Honestly, Are gay men really deserving of love?

  • MadeinMich

    Posts: 1624

    Aug 02, 2015 4:32 PM GMT
    I know I'm going to get 83% negative comments. So the 17% with a contemplative mind this is for you. Most of us are perpetually single, even in areas with a large gay population. And many of us are drawn into to relationships because of our infatuation and lust and are quickly to eject from the relationships when those feelings quickly fade. We won't even let someone in our romantic circle without the "perfect body". Up unto this points I've used gay men as fuck holes for pleasure.Recently I've contemplated the possibility of perhaps finding a partnership, giving myself over 100% to someone. But attitudes in the community and my experiences constantly reinforce my resignation to the idea of falling in love with a man. I am well able to have long lasting, caring, emotional friendships with gay men. I consider myself a 'ride or die' type of guy, but am unsure if gay men are even worth emotionally investing in as a loving relationship.

    To get an understanding about my background.I am an introvert. When I go on dates and talk about myself I feel I'm giving this person a piece of my soul and it's draining. And so when there's interest lost on their part I feel there's a motherfucker out there who now has a piece of me I can't take back. They have information on my personality that I never divulge to anyone else.

    This leave me curious if this type of investment is even worth it if, judging by most results in the community (meninlove being the exception) there's not a lot of proof of long term gains.

    I've recently moved to a gay metropolis 2 months ago and I have no interaction with the gay community, not even a bar,just minor,infrequent strolls through the gayborhood. And I have to say I feel a bit relieved. I feel free from judgments and my own expectations of what to expect. I feel relieved to not have my every physical flaw inspected like a slave on the auction block.
  • 1AlanZSky

    Posts: 1505

    Aug 02, 2015 5:14 PM GMT
    Now gay marriage is approved...
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    Aug 02, 2015 5:26 PM GMT
    MadeinMich said...When I go on dates and talk about myself I feel I'm giving this person a piece of my soul and it's draining. And so when there's interest lost on their part I feel there's a motherfucker out there who now has a piece of me I can't take back. They have information on my personality that I never divulge to anyone else...


    My negative comment: get over it!
    My contemplative comment: it's holding you down.
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    Aug 02, 2015 5:59 PM GMT
    I believe you know the answers to the questions you pose. Nothing of importance and personal value is "quick and easy", nor is it found in using stereotypes to define your search. The heart wants what the heart wants. Conforming to whatever popular image is being "marketed" to, in or by the "Gayborhood" will likely never really result in love and happiness. Quit searching in the 'hood and stop being concerned about what others think. You can't control what they think, do, say or feel. You have control of you...use that power and knowledge of self. There is no formula for love and happiness, only general traits. This complaint is not unique to the gay world, and is frequently nearly identical in the straight world.
    BTW: There are now, or have been over the years, MANY long term couples on RJ...."MIL", is a great one, but so too is "ArtDeco" and several others. Don't mistake silence and privacy as evidence of a lack of successful and happily married gay coulpes.

    I pulled a few quotes from what should be a familiar site to you....they all say parts and pieces of what I said above... good luck and be well.icon_cool.gif

    "...To get an understanding about my background.I am an introvert. When I go on dates and talk about myself I feel I'm giving this person a piece of my soul and it's draining. And so when there's interest lost on their part I feel there's a motherfucker out there who now has a piece of me I can't take back. They have information on my personality that I never divulge to anyone else...."

    "Risk is the price for opportunity, and it costs to be the boss"
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  • tazzari

    Posts: 2937

    Aug 02, 2015 6:24 PM GMT
    Are gay men really deserving of love?

    Depends on the man, and the groups you move in. But that's true of all people.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 02, 2015 6:30 PM GMT
    Honestly, Are gay men really deserving of love?

    to answer this simply: Yes they are
    Everybody deserves love
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    Aug 02, 2015 6:35 PM GMT
    Conventional LTRs can be boring and overrated. A new fuckhole is always exhilarating! If you're more of a loner, a relationship might not make you happy at all. Might even end up making you feel miserable and obligated. There's still love out in the world in many other ways.
  • mystery905

    Posts: 745

    Aug 02, 2015 6:43 PM GMT
    bonaparts saidHonestly, Are gay men really deserving of love?

    to answer this simply: Yes they are
    Everybody deserves love


    even cartoon reindeers!
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    Aug 02, 2015 6:56 PM GMT
    MadeinMich saidI know I'm going to get 83% negative comments. So the 17% with a contemplative mind this is for you. Most of us are perpetually single, even in areas with a large gay population. And many of us are drawn into to relationships because of our infatuation and lust and are quickly to eject from the relationships when those feelings quickly fade. We won't even let someone in our romantic circle without the "perfect body". Up unto this points I've used gay men as fuck holes for pleasure.Recently I've contemplated the possibility of perhaps finding a partnership, giving myself over 100% to someone. But attitudes in the community and my experiences constantly reinforce my resignation to the idea of falling in love with a man. I am well able to have long lasting, caring, emotional friendships with gay men. I consider myself a 'ride or die' type of guy, but am unsure if gay men are even worth emotionally investing in as a loving relationship.

    To get an understanding about my background.I am an introvert. When I go on dates and talk about myself I feel I'm giving this person a piece of my soul and it's draining. And so when there's interest lost on their part I feel there's a motherfucker out there who now has a piece of me I can't take back. They have information on my personality that I never divulge to anyone else.

    This leave me curious if this type of investment is even worth it if, judging by most results in the community (meninlove being the exception) there's not a lot of proof of long term gains.

    I've recently moved to a gay metropolis 2 months ago and I have no interaction with the gay community, not even a bar,just minor,infrequent strolls through the gayborhood. And I have to say I feel a bit relieved. I feel free from judgments and my own expectations of what to expect. I feel relieved to not have my every physical flaw inspected like a slave on the auction block.

    Wow. You need to work on your self esteem and learn to love yourself.
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    Aug 02, 2015 7:01 PM GMT
    Yes, they are. (22 years here)

    But you are under no obligation to pursue romantic relationships. Wanting to stay single, just aiming for friendships, is perfectly all right.

    However, staying single just because you're afraid of being hurt or losing yourself to someone is just holding you back. You can't fall in love without making yourself vulnerable, offering your open heart with both hands.

    Only you know which scenario applies to you.
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    Aug 02, 2015 7:35 PM GMT
    Honestly, Are gay men really deserving of love?

    Yes. And I often think we're the best practitioners of love, despite our sometimes trampy reputation, even among ourselves. We deserve love because we can share it with others so well & sincerely.

    A straight man may be calling "love" that which he has to do, to win a woman and perform what family & society expect of him. And to mimic romantic ideals he encounters all his life in literature and media of all kinds, in order to conform and fit in.

    A gay man is under no such obligation, freer I think to go where his heart genuinely leads him. So that when he finds love, or maybe doesn't find love, it's what his heart is truly telling him, not what he's telling his heart he wants to believe, or that others expect and want for him.
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    Aug 02, 2015 8:04 PM GMT
    Well of course everyone is deserving of love. The problem as I see it is that gay men use each other (as you describe yourself doing) for years and years and then try to "settle" for a partner (maybe in an "open" relationship) as they get older. So by the time they get to the relationship stage most gay men are jaded and trying to escape the natural result of their years of playing around. It's just not a foundation for a romantic coupling to arise in the first place and, if it does at all, for a bond to deepen and grow over time. Gay marriage may change that if it brings about a change in norms among gay men ... something more "heteronormative" where finding a partner and making a commitment are important from an early age. I personally am skeptical that the establishment of gay marriage will do that, but perhaps I will be proven wrong. I also disagree with the "blame the victim" approach that one often hears when issues like this arise ... putting the onus on the person recognizing this problem to improve their "self esteem" ... as the problem is systemic and can be fixed only by if gay men as a group (there will be the rebels but they would be marginalized as among the straights) are willing to adopt more "traditional" values.
  • CheeseKraut

    Posts: 145

    Aug 02, 2015 8:34 PM GMT
    QUOTE AUTHOR GOES HERE Up unto this points I've used gay men as fuck holes


    Maybe you get back what you put out?

    I find this to be true in my life which is why I make a point of being fun, polite, kind and respectful.
    It works every time for me. Really be the kind of person you want to meet yourself.

    Walk around the neighborhood with a smile on and act like a nice guy. I bet you won't make it a mile before you have a conversation that you enjoy.
    I bet if you do it daily you'll make a new friend in a week.

    As for if they are worthy...I think some are. The question is you think you are worthy of someone loving you.
    If a guy shows interest in you I just bet you immediately assume there is something wrong with him.
    Right?

    You have work to do my friend.

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    Aug 02, 2015 9:06 PM GMT
    Most gay men are shallow thats old news, still everyone deserves love.
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    Aug 02, 2015 9:24 PM GMT
    David666k saidMost gay men are shallow thats old news, still everyone deserves love.

    so are straight men. It's just they are too many, and they have much more options too choose from. There are many other factors involved which facilitate easier mingling of straight people. They are everywhere. You don't have to make an effort to go out and look for them. It's not the same for gay men.
  • Amira

    Posts: 327

    Aug 02, 2015 9:32 PM GMT
    This post happens to come off quite shallow because the question is very rhetorical in the sense that you can easily answer this question yourself.

    Love is deeply personal and you would have to look in yourself to decide what you want. The way that you said that you just "use" men for pleasure could show that maybe you have no respect for men? And those same people could have the same feelings you have towards dating... Giving a piece of themselves only to feel used, it happens.

    And I gotta tell you, relationships are human, just as you and me having our ups and down, so do relationships because it takes heart and soul. With all that in mind you have to decide if you yourself is deserving of love.
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    Aug 02, 2015 9:46 PM GMT
    From personal observation, what many (not all) gay men lack is relationship discipline. By that I mean that many lack self-control, fidelity and loyalty. Even those who are in open relationships don't follow conditions that they've agreed upon, let alone those who are in supposedly monogamous, exclusive relationships. Many are not content with what they have, regardless of how good it is, and continue to look for something or someone bigger, better, etc. To many of us, the grass is always greener on the other side--until we give it a closer look and we realize that it isn't, and by then it's too late because we've already made a mess of everything.
  • MadeinMich

    Posts: 1624

    Aug 02, 2015 11:07 PM GMT
    There're some really great things that've been said so far.Way too much for me to reply in depth to all so I'll leave remarks to outstanding comments.

    Sporty_G, Thanks for reminding me of these things. Puts my thoughts back into perspective. Thanks for taking the time out to read my page.

    CODY4U, Frightening enough you may be on to something.

    swimmer_sf, Very insightful.Thanks for actually thinking this one through instead of blaming the victimicon_smile.gif

    CheeseKraught, I'm an introvert. It'll be difficult,but I'll try.

    DOMINUS, I whole heartedly agree.

    Thank you all for giving some thought and valuable input to this.Thanks for not making it the grand clusterfuck of a thread I expectedicon_smile.gif
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    Aug 02, 2015 11:23 PM GMT
    yes
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    Aug 02, 2015 11:37 PM GMT
    Sounds like the OP has been hanging out with Matthew. icon_lol.gif
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Aug 02, 2015 11:39 PM GMT
    This gay man is.....
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    Aug 02, 2015 11:47 PM GMT
    __morphic__ said
    David666k saidMost gay men are shallow thats old news, still everyone deserves love.

    so are straight men. It's just they are too many, and they have much more options too choose from. There are many other factors involved which facilitate easier mingling of straight people. They are everywhere. You don't have to make an effort to go out and look for them. It's not the same for gay men.

    Numbers aren't an excuse. OP says very valid points. Most gay men reach old age single because they care too much about the bodies and general attractiveness of their partners, which of course its usually not reciprocated. Why do you think gay men fight against age, and care so much about clothes and shaving their chests and armits? All that bullshit is part of the shallowness in the gay community. As simple as that.
  • MadeinMich

    Posts: 1624

    Aug 03, 2015 12:08 AM GMT
    paulflexes saidSounds like the OP has been hanging out with Matthew. icon_lol.gif


    Haha..I'm not THAT self loathing. I love being black!!!
  • MadeinMich

    Posts: 1624

    Aug 03, 2015 12:10 AM GMT
    David666k said
    __morphic__ said
    David666k saidMost gay men are shallow thats old news, still everyone deserves love.

    so are straight men. It's just they are too many, and they have much more options too choose from. There are many other factors involved which facilitate easier mingling of straight people. They are everywhere. You don't have to make an effort to go out and look for them. It's not the same for gay men.

    Numbers aren't an excuse. OP says very valid points. Most gay men reach old age single because they care too much about the bodies and general attractiveness of their partners, which of course its usually not reciprocated. Why do you think gay men fight against age, and care so much about clothes and shaving their chests and armits? All that bullshit is part of the shallowness in the gay community. As simple as that.


    4224290-5496766910-he's%2B.jpg
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    Aug 03, 2015 12:19 AM GMT
    If you are an introvert, that certainly doesn't help. I am somewhat introverted and it is a stumbling block, but I'm trying to get over.

    With all that said, if you can develop friendships that are close, you can find love. You aren't going to have an easy time finding it, because like anything good, you have to put work into it to get results. No one of any orientation has it easy.