In a great new relationship, but...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 05, 2015 2:15 AM GMT
    I'm in a fantastic new relationship which couldn't be going any better.... Or at least I thought until he recently told me that I don't open up much. I thought about it over 2 days and I couldn't help but get the thought out of my head.


    He's very open with everything, in fact, he actually made me comfortable in continuing to date him because he's so comfortable... It's been almost a month and a half but things have gotten serious pretty quickly.

    I don't want to risk losing him because he's everything I've ever looked for in a man. I've never felt this way about anyone. Does anyone else have problems opening up about their feelings or just generally anything in their life? I think I've gotten so used to suppressing my feelings, but I still feel like I'm making the best effort I absolutely can. Unfortunately he doesn't know me a few years ago when it was much worse so I don't think that matters.

    Anyone have some sound advice, or can relate to this? I think a big part of this is being scared of getting judged... He does have a very outspoken attitude, but he's very sweet at the same time.

    Edit: sorry I posted in the wrong section!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 05, 2015 2:18 AM GMT
    If you're scared of being judged, you'll be even more scared when he dumps you for not giving him a chance to judge you.

    Who knows...the things you're holding in could be the very things he enjoys and wishes you would open up to.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Aug 05, 2015 2:46 AM GMT
    I think you should share what you wrote in your OP with him. You really opened up in your writing. Once he knows how you feel, it will probably be easier to talk.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 05, 2015 4:14 AM GMT
    Open up about as much as you can and explain that you aren't the most effusive type. If he's the right type of man, he'll understand and be patient with you about opening up. Openness is really a gift that not everyone has.
  • bobbobbob

    Posts: 2812

    Aug 05, 2015 4:26 AM GMT
    paulflexes saidIf you're scared of being judged, you'll be even more scared when he dumps you for not giving him a chance to judge you.

    Who knows...the things you're holding in could be the very things he enjoys and wishes you would open up to.


    ^^^^^^
    Nail on the head words.

    Trusting someone, opening up to them is scary uncharted territory. But once you start it becomes easier and easier. Take it in baby steps until you are comfortable. The upside is that usually the person you open to becomes more protective of your vulnerable soft spots than you are.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 05, 2015 7:07 AM GMT
    He's brought it up so it bothers him so you better learn to be more open with him or you WILL lose him.

    To truly love is to open yourself up to your beloved and make yourself vulnerable. Scary? Yes. Easy? Not for everyone. But if you truly love him and want a relationship with him you had better figure out how.

    Oh, and that part about being afraid of being judged - you are being judged by people all day everyday whether you like it or not so wouldn't you want to be a bit more open so they don't have to fill in the blanks themselves and actually have the opportunity to judge you fairly.

    Also, it's only been a month and a half! You need to sit him down and explain that it takes time for you to trust and open up to someone. If he feels strongly about you he will give you and the relationship time to blossom. You both have to be understanding.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 05, 2015 11:44 AM GMT
    Thanks everyone. You all have a valid point. I have spoken with him and told him how I feel and he said he's willing to be patient as he can tell that I am a "quality guy". I really appreciate all the responses.

    Cheers,
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 05, 2015 1:11 PM GMT
    Great! Communication is an important part of a good relationship (if not the most important).
  • conservativej...

    Posts: 2465

    Aug 05, 2015 1:27 PM GMT
    Relax and tell your new boyfriend that it will take time for you to be more open. In many ways we are a product of our environment. Perhaps it is tradition for men you knew growing up not to be open. (?)

    All good relationships begin by being able to say what we can't say.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 05, 2015 3:27 PM GMT
    Well it depends on what you want, and if he says you need to open up more, I guess you need to ask yourself if there is anything that you want to share that you feel you cannot...sometimes people crave deep relationships and want people to open up intensely (presumably your mate), but that can also mean your mate has security issues and wants you to tell him everything to ensure you're being faithful, honest etc (in other words, to feed his insecurity). If that is not the case and you in fact purposely conceal information from him out of distrust or fear, then yes, you need to work on that; usually the best method is to just redefine your feelings of vulnerability, by interpreting the act of expressing vulnerability as daring greatly, in hope of attaining a more meaningful connection with another.
  • Hotgymguy22

    Posts: 98

    Aug 05, 2015 4:50 PM GMT
    It sounds like you opened up more in your post than you have to him. Lol. Everyone is different. Just explain to him you will work to be more open and then do it. But he has to accept that you are not him, so he can't expect you to be. He should also be willing to let you grow in that area. I don't think a change like that can happen overnight.
  • FRE0

    Posts: 4865

    Aug 05, 2015 6:29 PM GMT
    James_Thunder_Early saidOpen up about as much as you can and explain that you aren't the most effusive type. If he's the right type of man, he'll understand and be patient with you about opening up. Openness is really a gift that not everyone has.


    ^^^^ This ^^^^

    Not everyone talks about everything. In that respect we are all different.
  • wellwell

    Posts: 2265

    Aug 05, 2015 6:40 PM GMT
    He's invading your privacy w/ unreasonable expectations; so long as, you are not deliberately keeping secrets. If he really Loves you, tell him to back way-off for now . . .
    Eventually, time reveals all.

    I've been through this w/ a guy & 1 chick; despite the fact that I'm a very open person who is unafraid of consequences. Their presumptions were highly accusatory. ...Just read my P'file, open, open, open!

    Eventually, I dumped them both; because, they were deranged control freaks, unable to conform their cognition to –reality–

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 05, 2015 11:34 PM GMT
    Everyone is different. I am as introverted as a person can get. I generally keep my thoughts and opinions to myself, unless I'm asked for my opinion. I like to observe people and evaluate if someone is worth investing in.

    I can relate a bit to what you're saying. The only difference is that it's a question of experience than being judged. People judge all the time. I just know that it took years for me to gain the bond that I have with my friends. It was something that was nourished over time. It's very unlikely that I'd suddenly be attached to someone I've been dating for just three months.

    I wish the two of you well. Whatever the result.
  • Oceans_of_Flo...

    Posts: 393

    Aug 06, 2015 1:25 AM GMT


    What to do? Don't spend your time dreading it or trying to change super quickly.

    Wrap your arms around him - adore him - get MONDO sex from him. Go do things, have fun. Treat him as though school's starting tomorrow and this is ten year old you's last day at Six Flags.

    If he was just making a suggestion, boy, did you just drop a house of love on him and if (sadly) he was just MANufacturing a reason to end it, think back on the rides, the cotton candy, and the Tilt o Whirl when you start missing him. However, your memories will show that while you had him - you opened up.