He's Moving across the country

  • C6064

    Posts: 1

    Aug 07, 2015 2:53 AM GMT
    I guess I am looking for some advice on rock and a hard place situation as being someone who is not out I have very limited options when it comes to relationship advice and I'm not sure where to turn.

    So here it is...
    I met this amazing guy back in December, we hit it off and honestly its probably the happiest I've been in years after what we will call an emotionally abusive relationship that drained me for over a year after I got out of it.
    Things between him and I have been nothing but amazing, I've really never been with someone that can make me feel so high on life but back in May I started to get a feeling something wasn't right and sure enough he told me that he is going to be moving out west. Honestly I was devastated when he dropped that bomb but in his defense he has been kicked down over and over by this city and needed a change.
    I've been nothing but supportive of his decision because I know it wasn't and easy one to make considering all he is leaving behind (secretly I'm crying inside). I made the decision then that I wasn't going to let what we have disappear just because he was leaving at the end of August. I know that I would regret not spending the time I had left with him more than the pain of walking away from someone who put a smile on my face.
    There is a big part of me that wants to just up and move with him but sensible side of me says that's crazy of me to give up my career and everything I've worked for. I've read enough of these forums to know I am going to get some responses saying that they would choose that special someone over money in a heartbeat and I truly wish it was that easy for me but the "rock and a hard place" part of this for me is I have a family member going through radiation and I just can't leave.

    Now as the day that seemed so far away is creeping ever closer things between use are still keeping a big smile on my face and want to talk to him about what happens to us now but I don't know how to bring it up, mostly because I'm scared to hear something I don't want to.
    There isn't a single part of me that wants to let go of this but I don't know what to do next. A relationship with someone who lives 5000km's seems like you're just pissing into the wind.

    Does anyone have any suggestion on how I should bring this up with him or options we should maybe consider?

    I should also mention that we have talked about me coming out to visit and he has even said you should come with me...
  • mybud

    Posts: 11821

    Aug 07, 2015 5:04 AM GMT
    I think it's always a bad sign when the guy moving doesn't bring up how this move will impact YOUR relationship. I'd wait him out..if this subject doesn't come up, consider the fact that you might be more into him than vice versa..Honestly, I hope my response doesn't bum you out but this is how I feel...All the best.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Aug 07, 2015 5:05 AM GMT
    I think your last line says the decision is your to make. But really, are you likely really in love with him or are you just afraid of being alone? I think if you were actually in love with him you would have jumped at the chance the first time he told you to come with him, but maybe you still have some unfinished business where you are at. And his comment of 'you should come with me' doesn't sound to re-assuring either. Maybe he just needs a buddy to share the rent and someone to be with until he can get to know the place and meet people. But maybe this is your chance to break away too. To be honest, if your profile is truthful, you are already 28 so you may not get many more opportunities. You also haven't said where he is moving to, so should things not work out between you, is it a place where you will have ample opportunities for a career and love? Take out a paper and write down all the positives and negatives and then study them. And in the end, throw it away and go with your gut.
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    Aug 07, 2015 6:14 AM GMT
    When faced with losing the man of my dreams I proposed marriage. He accepted and we are together. Love sometimes demands a leap of faith. Then again I don't recall seeing the word love used once in your story. Let him go. Visit each other when you have the chance and see how it goes. You both may decide you can't live without the other and then you can look for a job where he lives or he may return to your town.
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    Aug 07, 2015 10:29 AM GMT
    For what it's worth, I had a similar story : I was with someone who hated his job. Then he got an opportunity through a friend of his, but at 1st he did not really consider applying. I encouraged him, and said we'd see if he would even get the job, of course, he did. It was not 5000 miles away from where we lived at the time, but in France, our notion of "long distance" is different :p
    ANYWAY, I did not hesitate much, and we moved there, but I did not realize how big was my career sacrifice. In the end, things did not work out. Now I'm back to square fucking one, and what I learnt from this is... I'll never put a career in jeopardy over 'love'. Job & love, neither of them are granted forever, but... the 1st one is always linked to a contract, and a paycheck at the end of the month.

    Whatever you decide, don't make it a sacrifice, you gotta do things FOR YOU, if it benefits YOU as an independant person. If it can save your relationship in the process, that's a win-win, but that's about it, if you ask me.
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    Aug 07, 2015 11:52 AM GMT
    If he really loved you he wouldn't have decided to move first and then told you about it afterwards.


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    Aug 07, 2015 6:13 PM GMT
    TexDef07 saidIf he really loved you he wouldn't have decided to move first and then told you about it afterwards.

    +1


    your not out; you really dont have a relationship as such there is no life experiences shared. No reason your big gay relationship is not as important as what your parents have or had.

    we really dont know your situation other than what you posted. Its Your business if your not out.

    regards and very best of luck in your decision

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    Aug 07, 2015 6:31 PM GMT
    Good advice in each response above me here, but mine is a little different. If it were me, I would consider sitting down with him, in a quiet place, holding his hands in yours. I'd level with him. Say everything you've said here in your post. Then you'll get your answer. He'll either bring up your moving with him again, or he won't. Then you can decide to put out feelers with head hunters and see if it is possible to move your career to the new city. But I would only do that if you get a clear feeling he wants you to come. Then, you can fly back and forth to your hometown to be there for and support the relative with health issues.

    I say all this because I once lost a terrific situation like yours because I wouldn't move. Big mistake. I ended up making everything all right with someone new, but in hindsight, it was foolish to throw away a great situation. I'm just very lucky I found somebody new and made a new life with him.
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    Aug 07, 2015 6:46 PM GMT
    Here's a thought from an old fart of 58 years that might shed some light on the subject... my fianceƩ and I have known each other for over 4 years now. He lives in Long Island, NY, and I live in Arizona. He takes care of his 93 year old mother and cannot move. I cannot move there at the moment because of health issues of my own. We talk every day and never hold anything back from each other. We "GET" each other, and that is what our relationship is founded on.
    I suppose what I am trying to say to you is that when people say, "Patience is a virtue", believe it! You have known the man roughly 8 months, and you are 28 years old. Take your time, as he should take his. Respect each other, listen to each other's cares and concerns, and be truthful about it all. Talk this problem out, and see where the both of you stand on the distance issue. It kills me to be apart from the man I love, and he is not so happy about it, either, but, we do what we have to do, knowing that it will all work out.
    If the two of you are truly meant to be together, you will be, IN TIME. There is no rush when it comes to building something wonderful and solid as a true loving relationship. I just hope these words of advice help in some way to put perspective on your situation, and know that I wish nothing but the best for the both of you.
    Be patient, be strong, be loving. Most of all, be good to each other and respect each other's decisions, whatever those decisions might be.

    Best of luck and best wishes.
  • metta

    Posts: 39104

    Aug 07, 2015 10:02 PM GMT
    How does he feel about your relationship?

    Each relationship is different. I know of a couple that have been living over 8000 miles apart for the last couple of years, visiting on occasion in California, France, Belgium and India. They have to do this because one of them has a mother that needs to be taken care of in India. They have been together for over 30 years. It works for them.
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    Aug 08, 2015 1:18 AM GMT
    These things work themselves out it you step aside and let them. Keep the best possible intentions in your heart for the both of you and let it go. Tell him where you are at in the relationship before he leaves . The best possible outcome will occur. It might not be what you expect.
  • Oceans_of_Flo...

    Posts: 393

    Aug 08, 2015 2:48 AM GMT
    Ofcourse, you don't leave your career and future for a long distance move over a man. Do the sensible thing, stud. Feel better.

    ............................
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 09, 2015 1:01 AM GMT
    C6064 said... the "rock and a hard place" part of this for me is I have a family member going through radiation and I just can't leave. ...

    That determines your short-term decision. As others have suggested, be open with him. Suggest after your family situation is resolved, you would seriously consider joining him, if this is the case. After he moves, you will know based on his communication if he really wants to remain serious.
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    Aug 09, 2015 12:08 PM GMT
    C6064 said
    I should also mention that we have talked about me coming out to visit and he has even said you should come with me...


    This doesn't sound like he's exactly begging you to come. It's more like a band aid for your hurt feelings.

    I once dropped everything and moved across the country on the basis of an invitation as lukewarm as this. As my friends predicted, I was dumped practically at the airport. Luckily the move did work out for career reasons - eventually. But emotionally it was a very rough ride.

    As noted upthread, the key to his true feelings is that he decided to leave and made his plans all without telling you first. You should draw the obvious conclusions.

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    Aug 09, 2015 1:47 PM GMT
    TexDef07 saidIf he really loved you he wouldn't have decided to move first and then told you about it afterwards.



    This is crazy talk. I don't involve LingLang in any important decision I make unless it impacts him immediately. Neurotic people are never good partners and your post proves why.
  • MarvinMartian

    Posts: 128

    Aug 09, 2015 4:34 PM GMT
    smartmoney saidI don't involve LingLang in any important decision I make unless it impacts him immediately.

    You're in a relationship with a panda?
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 872

    Aug 12, 2015 8:06 PM GMT
    A good course of action would be to sit and talk this over.

    Basically, there are two key questions that you want to have answered.

    First off, what is that you are going to do to overcome? Look for a job and career somewhere else? Consider getting additional income to be able to travel there more frequently. What is the endgame from your point of view?

    Second off, ask him exactly the very same questions.

    Good things in life are worth fighting for. And fighting involves sacrifices. Are both of you willing to take that path?

    If you agree to pick up that fight, you may win and you may lose. If you agree that both of you, or at least one of you wishes to stay within his comfort zone, you have your question answered already.

    SC