He cheated on me

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 09, 2015 3:29 PM GMT
    Little back story - I've been with the same guy for 7 years now. Our relationship has had its ups and downs like any relationship, but the last 2-3 years have been great. Until I found out he had cheated on me.

    I had a "friend" I had introduced him to when we first started dating. I have known my friend for 12-13 years, and its one of those sort of relationships where you dont REALLY like the person, but you have so much history that you still hang out with them etc. The problem with this friend is that I've grown up and matured in those 12-13 years we've known each other. He hasnt. He still acts like the immature 14 yr old I first was introduced to.

    Anyways, we all got along well and enjoyed hanging out together. My bf was doing freelance IT work in the beginning of our relationship. He didnt make much money at all, and I was supporting the two of us with my job. Things were stressful, and it had an effect on our relationship. Id be going to work every day, and come home and find him in the same spot he was when I left, or hed be out hanging out with my friend. It got to the point where he was seeing my friend more than he saw me. AT this point, my friend had been getting more and more unstable (I worked in psychiatric nursing, and while not qualified to make a diagnosis, saw many similarities to my patients). Things got really nasty between us, and I no longer was interested in being friends with him. He still hung out with my bf often though.

    Me and my bf are pretty liberal in the rules in our relationship, and while we're not open, we understand that things happen. One stipulation I did make though was that he never mess around with my friend. He was very promiscuous on top of being an asshole at that point. My bf agreed and said that would never happen, and that I'm enough for him. Fast forward a couple years, my friend gets hooked on adderall and then meth. Loses his job, gets in trouble with the police and moves out of state. My bf gets an actual job, and life is good for 2-3 years until I found something on his phone when i was innocently responding to another friend we were going to have lunch with. I thought my bf was no longer talking to my old friend, especially because of the whole meth thing, but he was. I found that he had sent nudes to my friend and was asking for some in return. I confront him about it and he swears thats all it was, talk and pictures. I cant help but feel theres more to the story and I snoop around more. I find out, through AIM conversation that he had been messing around with him. After the first few implicating IMs, I couldnt read anymore.

    I confront him about it, and he swears up and down that all that happened was he was getting head from my friend like 7-8 times and one time stuck his dick between my friends legs and "simulated sex" as he puts it, over the course of 2 years. He swears there was no romantic strings there, he never kissed or fucked my friend. He said he did it because my friend gave him expensive things, computer stuff etc and because at the time our sexual life wasnt great due to stress and him not making money. It made him feel like more of a man. Obviously this was very hard for me to believe, but I tried to work through it. We went to couples therapy, and tried to get back to how things were before, but its been impossible for me. I think about it all the time, and it just makes me sick. I know lie detector tests are not really all that accurate, and can be fooled. I approached him with the idea of having him take one and he was adamant about not taking it. He said its the principle of the matter, and I should believe him because he swears I know all there is to know. We had a big fight about it, me saying that if theres nothing to hide he shouldnt have a problem with it and him saying no, its the principle of the matter blah blah. I do love him, or the person I thought i knew from the last 2-3 years. I dont know what I should do though. Am I crazy for asking for him to get a lie detector test? Should I believe him when he says I know all there is to know even though he refuses to get a lie detector test? Its been 6-7 months since I found out, and I still cant get over it. I dont know what to do... any advice would be appreciated. Sorry if I rambled a bit there, this is the first time I'm getting it out. Told a couple of friends, but not the whole story. Im embarrassed.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 09, 2015 3:38 PM GMT
    Another hit & run thread. We answer a guy who just joined this site, try our best to help him, and he never posts again. And do you notice how they all seem to be written in the same style?

    I dunno about you guys, but I've wasted too much time and effort on these. Maybe it's a game the Right Wing plays with us. But I've seen it too often. Haven't you?
  • roadbikeRob

    Posts: 14360

    Aug 09, 2015 4:03 PM GMT
    The OP lives in the lunatic reservation of Austin, the capital city of rednecked, regressive Texas so I am not surprised at his long winded crying and ranting.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 09, 2015 5:21 PM GMT
    Lmao wow, nice guys. I joined this site after searching gay relationship advice, and it was one of the top results. No need to be rude. You feel like a real jock saying that? How bout real douches.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 09, 2015 5:23 PM GMT
    Excuse the writing style too. I'm feeling particularly down, and can barely think straight. Very ignorant of you to make assumptions.
  • transient

    Posts: 211

    Aug 09, 2015 5:31 PM GMT
    If you have nothing positive to say, its best to say nothing at all.

    ____________________________________________________________

    I think we are in the same position, I am currently struggling with a similar situation.

    Recently I started this thread: http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/4085884

    Maybe take some of the advice I was given there.

    Welcome to RJ forums.
  • wellwell

    Posts: 2265

    Aug 09, 2015 7:30 PM GMT
    Dump Him
  • Oceans_of_Flo...

    Posts: 393

    Aug 09, 2015 7:45 PM GMT
    " You broke your promise, you idiot, I loved you!"

    Gay relationships are special and I know that if more straights had the mentality that things do happen, their relationships might enjoy more longevity and many do because of it. But, everyone has to have a limit. Personally, they develop and shouldn't be apologized for. You had your one rule and given all the taffy you've let stretch over the years he knowingly broke it. Are you hurt because he got a blowjob ( a few dozen) and some ass? No, you are not, its who he got it from and the secrecy. Don't feel bad, son. You had your one rule; he broke it. Now leave him and find someone who would never break it.

    .......................<
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 09, 2015 7:47 PM GMT
    a lie detector test
    time out, take it easy.

    you must somehow get over it or break up.
    i know its like your best friend confidant is no longer exclusive.
    the energy you two put into this could be spend appreciating each other in bed

    -maybe try the couples counseling again
    -you need to tell the bf he must be patient and the trust will not heal quickly
    -have an agreement you two can read each other's email and cell phones. I think this would help you get over panic attacks.
    -after the emotion cools down you two need to talk exactly what the expectations are.

    being cheated on is the new shame but gay or straight cheating happens in a relationship. it is what it is and feels like shit. Given enough time you too will be guilty of some big bad sin.

    Single gay friends are so toxic in a committed relationship. Do you have any couples you hang out with?


    block the trolls
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 09, 2015 9:10 PM GMT
    If the OP asked Savage Love his question I'm pretty confident Dan would tell you DTMFA - dump the mother fucker already. I'd agree with him.

    This dude has been using you and you do not sound like you're happy or having any fun. Just because you have a long history w/your BF/partner does not mean you need to keep it going when it sucks and his persistent bad behavior is unraveling you.

    Not all men are skunks and scoundrels. Most men in long term relationships respect their partner and his wishes. One would think a caring and sensitive partner would have picked up on your lack of use of your ex-friend and cut off contact and not been getting off with him instead.

    Being single is fun (for me at least) and there's lots of other nice single guys out there particularly your age to date. Play the field for awhile. Don't settle for a scoundrel.

    There always is that couples counseling thing although it hasn't got you anywhere to date with the BF.

    My $.02 Best wishes. Kev

    P.S. Just the other day my best buds 16 year old son (also a best bud) said to me "WTF do you know" lol when he didn't get the answer he was shopping for to support his argument. He could be right. Or just an angry teenager.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 09, 2015 9:34 PM GMT
    You are gay. Gay sex does not involve reproduction so heterosexual rules that are based on child rearing do not apply. How important is a blow job? Is masturbation off limits as well? Sounds like you want to own this guy which is also an aspect of heterosexual behavior where men own their wives like property. Are you more concerned about him fucking around or not obeying your commands?

    You guys obviously don't share the same values. If love can't span this gap then it's time to split. Don't forget that your dishonesty regarding your friend that is not a friend is at the root of this.
  • Goodluckyman

    Posts: 104

    Aug 09, 2015 10:00 PM GMT
    I would advice you to quit and look at things from outside a little. I feel he is lying but you know how you feel better!.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 09, 2015 11:47 PM GMT
    In your own words you say you can't get over it. Dump him. He doesn't seem to be worth it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 10, 2015 12:53 AM GMT
    Trust your gut ...
  • FitBlackCuddl...

    Posts: 802

    Aug 10, 2015 2:05 AM GMT
    gfcn08 saidHe cheated on me


    What is "cheating"? People never cease to be their own person, always have the right to personal expression.

    Becoming a husband/wife/partner is not a conscious decision to enter into a state of diminishment.

    No one EVER owns you.
  • Hammer89

    Posts: 237

    Aug 10, 2015 2:35 AM GMT


    The way I see it, you could do either 1 of 2 things.

    1) Confront him and force him to do the lie detector test...see what it says and work things out based on the lie detector test results. But that could start it's own problems because if it's wrong and he IS telling the truth you sort of fucked yourself and made things worse.

    OR


    2) Let it go. Take his word that what he said happened, truthfully happened and make it clear to him(hell make it in writing if you have to) that of your relationship boundaries or guidelines that sleeping or messing around with your meth head (ex)frenemy of 12-13 years is not okay. AND if he fucks up again...its over. I believe some people deserve a second chance. Give him his.

    I wish you both well!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 10, 2015 3:19 AM GMT
    FitBlackCuddler said
    gfcn08 saidHe cheated on me


    What is "cheating"? People never cease to be their own person, always have the right to personal expression.

    Becoming a husband/wife/partner is not a conscious decision to enter into a state of diminishment.

    No one EVER owns you.


    With the STIs that can be contracted just by skin to skin contact (not to mention the others that are incurable) you owe it to your partner to be faithful in sexual matters unless you and your partner have an agreement. If you can't be honest and have integrity you have no business getting married. What is cheating you ask? You cheat when you do something behind your partner's back and lie and hide it knowing full well your partner will be hurt and feel betrayed.

    I don't know what else to say to someone who thinks giving yourself to one person somehow diminishes you.
  • ksparticus

    Posts: 1

    Aug 10, 2015 4:46 AM GMT
    I was talking to a friend about this the other day. The criterias for looking for a relationship are differenet from looking for fun, fwb etc. Unfortunately people get them confused or just want it all.

    For me the relationship qualities are must haves:

    - Honest
    - Finacially have your stuff together, (not necessarily rich)
    - Accountable
    - Equality
    - Respect

    If you are missing one of the 5, to me they are not stable guys to date. Everyone puts their best profile foward in the first few months of the relationship. However, in life shit happens and thats the opportunity to spot out how they respond to adversity and if they are truely the right guy for you. No one should ever settle for guys that are not at par with you no matter how attractive they are. They don't deserve you.

    Your bf has real honesty problems which doesn't make him all that accountable. If he did get head from your friend and has sent nude pics he doesnt respect you. If you don't cut him loose now, your fall down the road will be a bigger crash. The truth hurts and is always ugly. If you have the courage to leave, good on ya! Make the right choice for you!
  • Buddha

    Posts: 1767

    Aug 10, 2015 5:28 AM GMT
    UndercoverMan said
    FitBlackCuddler said
    gfcn08 saidHe cheated on me


    What is "cheating"? People never cease to be their own person, always have the right to personal expression.

    Becoming a husband/wife/partner is not a conscious decision to enter into a state of diminishment.

    No one EVER owns you.


    With the STIs that can be contracted just by skin to skin contact (not to mention the others that are incurable) you owe it to your partner to be faithful in sexual matters unless you and your partner have an agreement. If you can't be honest and have integrity you have no business getting married. What is cheating you ask? You cheat when you do something behind your partner's back and lie and hide it knowing full well your partner will be hurt and feel betrayed.

    I don't know what else to say to someone who thinks giving yourself to one person somehow diminishes you.


    +1

    Of course no one owns you, but if you're in a relationship you set up rules how you sexually interact with other people. Either not at all, or you have some rules. These are the premises of your relationship and breaking them is 'cheating', in my opinion.

    If you have an agreement with your partner that says "You can have sex with anyone except a donkey", and your partner has sex with a donkey, then of course I'd say that your partner has cheated on the premises of the relationship. I'd also think he's pretty fucked up but that's another story, the thing is that it's not about 'owning' someone, it's about a mutual premise for a relationship.

    If it's, like in this case, broken; then you need to assess the situation. What were the circumstances? Was the 'donkey' so much that I can't possibly go back to loving him? The thing you should never think though is: 'Well we've been together for X years, so we might as well stick it through', 'But we have so many mutual friends, and my parents really like him' or any other shitty reason that involves you sacrificing yourself.
  • mar0302

    Posts: 273

    Aug 10, 2015 6:31 AM GMT
    Lots of good advice in the responses.. Only you can decide what to do... You've been together a long time, but when you discovered something was up your partner still lied about it... and continued until you found more evidence.. I can understand an initial lie because you want to try to protect yourself and hide whats happened, but he continued.. would you ever be able to trust him again?.. only you know the answer.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 10, 2015 7:03 AM GMT
    Welcome to the world of gay relationships.
    I mean don't get me wrong this isn't exclusive to gay relationships but nowadays cheating is more expected in gay men.

    That's why a lot of people just go open because technically there is no cheating because it's open.
    Still I'm sorry that this happened to you truly.
    It's a stupid thing for someone to do to another person and being 100% honest there is no real justification to cheat.
    Even if a partner is the biggest asshole on the planet, don't cheat, just leave them altogether.

    At the end of the day, if trust isn't there any more then personally for me I'd say it's pointless to continue.
    Trust is gone and communication only started after the fact when you confronted him.
    You would know him better obviously, but to me that signifies that he has no respect for you because he was basically never going to tell you until you had brought it up.
    Ultimately though it's up to you.

    If you feel he seems the type that won't really be truly monogamous any more (and if that is something that you still want), then you have to decide on either ending it or just making it open.

    Open is the more common thing nowadays but still it depends on what you truly want.
    Making it open won't really undo the damage that he might have caused you personally, all it will really do is remove the "cheat" label because there is an understanding that he (and you too if you wanted to I suppose) has "permission" to sleep around.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 10, 2015 10:37 AM GMT
    Thanks for the advice all! I appreciate it very much. Its so hard to make a decisoon, especially since we have built a life together Didnt see many mentions of the lie detector part, and wanted a little more advice there too. Would I be weird if I pushed that? If I knew that he was finally telling the truth I could maybe move on. Ugh, this is the worst. I got put on celexa for anxiety/depression (im forward with saying such things, as I mentioned, I worked in psychiatric nursjng and think many people could benefit from such things) Its still hard to deal with with it, and I keep perseverating on the situation.
  • Rhi_Bran

    Posts: 904

    Aug 10, 2015 11:49 AM GMT
    Dump him. This wasn't some guy standing you up after a few months - he was playing the long con. You do NOT want that in your life.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 10, 2015 1:13 PM GMT
    Just have an open relationship and be adults. Most men will take an opportunity to have some fun with a strange piece when given the opportunity. Because the vast majority of men are neurotic or gross, that opportunity to few and far between.
  • Goodluckyman

    Posts: 104

    Aug 10, 2015 6:05 PM GMT
    gfcn08 saidThanks for the advice all! I appreciate it very much. Its so hard to make a decisoon, especially since we have built a life together Didnt see many mentions of the lie detector part, and wanted a little more advice there too. Would I be weird if I pushed that? If I knew that he was finally telling the truth I could maybe move on. Ugh, this is the worst. I got put on celexa for anxiety/depression (im forward with saying such things, as I mentioned, I worked in psychiatric nursjng and think many people could benefit from such things) Its still hard to deal with with it, and I keep perseverating on the situation.


    Like many have mentioned, the decision lies squarely on you since you got all the context/background.

    I would not mind with the lie detector. Whatever the outcome, it will have eroded the trust you much need now, especially if you continue together. No one will win in the long end despite the results. I feel it is going overboard. Your instincts and judgement should help you make a decision and live with what follows.

    Best wishes!!