How to find masculine guy for monogamous partnership

  • bmorethanu

    Posts: 8

    Aug 19, 2015 5:07 PM GMT
    I'm a masculine guy and due to the way I carry myself no one ever approaches me or assumes I'm gay. I'm not in the closet and comfortable with who I am and have no problem telling people. I've gone to gay bars and they're really not my thing. I'm looking to get to know another masculine man with the open mind of being in a relationship partnership but I have no idea of where to look or what to do. I reluctantly even installed grinder for the off chance I meet someone. Any advice?
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Aug 19, 2015 5:44 PM GMT
    Idk, maybe you'll meet someone at the gym. I'd just look for someone with common interests. I would think if you met someone and there was a spark that it wouldn't matter if you both were straight acting. If there's chemistry you'll be drawn to one another.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4434

    Aug 19, 2015 6:43 PM GMT
    I doubt Grindr is the way to go though I originally met my partner of 8 years on a sex date. Try a couple of dating sites that asks for a profile. Including here. Then date. Don't interview a guy for a monogamous partnership. It is OK to state preferences in a profile but be open to being surprised that some guy you meet might not be what you think you want. That is love. You grow to love him, not a collection of preconceived notions. Give him room to show you something new. Trust him.
  • Defiant

    Posts: 13

    Aug 19, 2015 8:25 PM GMT
    I agree with HottJoe. Nice/masculine/etc guys can be found all over the place. Best thing is to just be open and friendly enough. People are mirrors, they will often reflect your personality when you interact with them. icon_smile.gif
  • Saffron69

    Posts: 121

    Aug 19, 2015 8:25 PM GMT
    Dear Lord I have been going through this my whole life too! Its so frustrating! For starters the few masculine guys I have met were only interested in sex and not relationships. other ones I met were not intrested in me or vise verse. And I have little confidence in my gaydar. Like right few hours ago I met this guy who was just like me I could feel it but I didn't even know where to start I tried making the convo go longer... I even escorted him to his car but... I hope I see him again Bottomline is that its frausting. My Friend calls us Daywalkers. I think he has a good point. How does one Daywalker find another
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    Aug 19, 2015 9:12 PM GMT
    This thread encourages me in that I sometimes feel like I'm the only one that has these problems ha!
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    Aug 19, 2015 10:03 PM GMT
    You just have to socialize in general ..all the time. Talk to everyone you meet , I'm talking everyone. That creates a network and that net will catch you a guy. Guys that say they can't meet someone just don't have enough exposure. Introvert is a personality type but it's easy to change with some conscious effort.
  • Joeyphx444

    Posts: 2382

    Aug 19, 2015 10:10 PM GMT
    HottJoe saidIdk, maybe you'll meet someone at the gym. I'd just look for someone with common interests. I would think if you met someone and there was a spark that it wouldn't matter if you both were straight acting. If there's chemistry you'll be drawn to one another.



    Gym is kinda difficult to even make friends

    I mean friends outside of the gym, not just gym friends. I feel like most people just workout and don't care about that so they don't put the initiative to take it further. I say hi and guys say hey back and we talk sometimes and ask for spot but never goes more than that. I guess I could ask them to hang out or keep in touch outside of the gym, would just feel weird to me though. I don't want the guy to think I am trying to move in on him whether he thought I was gay or not lol. I do want more male friends though, straight or gay.

    Depending on where you go though, the guys at the gym can be mostly gay or mostly straight or unknown. I think the best thing is to assume nothing and pursue friendship without having an eye for the guy being gay or relationship material, that seems to blow up in people's faces. I think a lot of gay men do this where they go in with an expectation and when it's not met they leave and don't even consider anything else but what they sought out in the first place.
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    Aug 19, 2015 11:00 PM GMT
    I have the same problem. It may be a regional thing but in Austin I'm finding that many of the truly masculine gay guys are still in the closet or only have the closet door cracked. They usually don't have gay friends or peers. They are often not on the typical gay sites because they aren't scene at all and may not even know about those sites.

    I have found them on Craigslist and A4a more so than the Grinder/Scruff/Okcupid "Show me your face pic or fuck off" sites. And I have had to change my attitude. You have to be more patient and less demanding. But you can find some really good guys who will come across as having poor communication skills but on the inside they are just very new to guys and are also nervous/excited and on unfamiliar terrain. Many talk in code or are vague in what they write and are somewhat paranoid. If they are extroverted it won't be as hard, but if they are introverted it will be really tough in the beginning.



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    Aug 20, 2015 12:17 AM GMT
    bmorethanu saidHow to find masculine guy for monogamous partnership
    It's impossible.
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    Aug 20, 2015 2:20 AM GMT
    Hum...let me know once you solve that equation.
    I sometimes feel as though power struggle will be pretty bad for 2 masculine men and cause the relationship to sink anyway...The ego & the pride are 2 powerful things and can make 2 guys take hasty decisions & not to back down on an issue...2 masc guys =2 alpha natures...do the math.....Maybe with a less masc guy it would make more sense....who knows.
  • Saffron69

    Posts: 121

    Aug 20, 2015 2:45 AM GMT
    woodfordr saidI have the same problem. It may be a regional thing but in Austin I'm finding that many of the truly masculine gay guys are still in the closet or only have the closet door cracked. They usually don't have gay friends or peers. They are often not on the typical gay sites because they aren't scene at all and may not even know about those sites.

    I have found them on Craigslist and A4a more so than the Grinder/Scruff/Okcupid "Show me your face pic or fuck off" sites. And I have had to change my attitude. You have to be more patient and less demanding. But you can find some really good guys who will come across as having poor communication skills but on the inside they are just very new to guys and are also nervous/excited and on unfamiliar terrain. Many talk in code or are vague in what they write and are somewhat paranoid. If they are extroverted it won't be as hard, but if they are introverted it will be really tough in the beginning.





    You hit the nail in the head. At one point in time I have experienced or done you have mentioned. As we all know us masculine guys usually have a harder time come out because we watch th obvious guys getting made fun of n we know when we get outted or found out it would be worse cause homophobes wouldn't appreciate how under the radar we are. Now as we get older (or finally leave the cult that is high school) we have that holding us back. I don't know about anyone else but I have this problem on these "date sites" with guys in my region only looking for sex in every site I have encountered n guys who are out and actually are interested in something of subtance want nothing with me because. I'm not so quick to show my face right away (if you've had a stalker or three you would understand). Recently I've given up finding anyone of substance on websites. I will say this much, as a masculine guy the most effective place thus far I've been to where I found other "Daywalkers" (hehehe) are pride events. finding out that Im not the only Gay guy like myself in a town where the "Queens" rule the scene has been refreshing and very encouraging to be honest.
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    Aug 20, 2015 6:52 AM GMT
    You have to personally know me! In the last three months, two of my out masculine friends have met masculine guys, one on a4a and guy hit on the other on the beach. As of the end of this month, one has quit his job, given up his apartment and moved to the Bay Area to be with the guy and start a new job. The other guys are heading toward a LTR, as both have decided they are ready. Age I think also is a factor--biological clocks do tick. All have sown their wild oats. I am obviously the magic talisman! grin!
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    Aug 20, 2015 10:56 AM GMT
    "I'm looking to find another masc man"

    Well good luck with that, the less boxes you check, the less search results your gonna get. Consider being more open minded towards your search terms to get more possible matches.

    lolz.
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    Aug 20, 2015 1:14 PM GMT
    Boaxy said"I'm looking to find another masc man"

    Well good luck with that, the less boxes you check, the less search results your gonna get. Consider being more open minded towards your search terms to get more possible matches.

    lolz.


    This is VERY true in that how you phrase what you're looking for might push people away that could be a strong match. No two gay guys seem to define "masculine" the same way so I think it's probably more effective to say what you're interests are and meet in person to figure out the rest.



  • woow

    Posts: 61

    Aug 20, 2015 1:26 PM GMT
    At least this time, there is no a swarm of guys crucifying you for use the forbidden word 'masculine'. I take that as a win.

    I guess the best way to meet people you might like is in places you actually like and enjoy. You won't look for a hairy muscular guy in a bar of twinks. In addition, it's important to clarify that for many 'masculinity' is more about the mannerisms and behaviours, and not the activities per se. So you can have very effeminate gay guys who love football and going outdoors and beer. So it depends on what you like.

    On the monogamous part, there are still people who want a monogamous relationship regardless the massive amount of backlash received from non-monogamists. The first step is to think that it's different to everyone and there is not right or wrong in how you take a relationship as long as there is consensus.

    No one is perfect, but tick as many boxes as you want, at the end is your decision if you want to wait for a very specific guy or you will be ok with less than that.

    Good luck in the search
  • woow

    Posts: 61

    Aug 20, 2015 1:29 PM GMT
    FollowingRivers saidHum...let me know once you solve that equation.
    I sometimes feel as though power struggle will be pretty bad for 2 masculine men and cause the relationship to sink anyway...The ego & the pride are 2 powerful things and can make 2 guys take hasty decisions & not to back down on an issue...2 masc guys =2 alpha natures...do the math.....Maybe with a less masc guy it would make more sense....who knows.


    I disagree a bit. The egos in a relationships might exist regardless of the masculinity. Alpha male works for a a pack or a group. In an equal relationship, wich I'm assuming OP wants, this situation has nothign to do with your mannerism, but with your own ego. so 2 mas guys =/= 2 'alpha'
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    Aug 20, 2015 3:41 PM GMT
    I swear every time a thread like this comes up it's a little bit hilarious.

    I thought about this before and partly the reason why I think it's harder to find a masc monogamous guy may be because there are certain gays who are so hung up about making sure they're straight acting that you wouldn't pick them up on your radar at all.

    Chances are you've probably actually come across a number of masc bro types but due to the degree of straight acting, they've just never come across as someone who's gay unless they were in a gay bar or something idk, just an obvious place for a gay guy to be.

    Perhaps maybe even you come across this way and so gay guys won't consider you since you come across quite straight.

    Just a theory I'm not saying any of this as fact but it's something to think about at least.

    Anyway for the gay guys who are legit naturally masc and then also happen to be attractive, chances are they are just slut phasing for the time being since you know, every gay boy seems to love this whole straight guy thing.
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    Aug 20, 2015 4:50 PM GMT
    Sports leagues/clubs, alumni associations, trade/professional associations, Greek letter orgs/frat clubs, etc.
  • tobyb

    Posts: 111

    Aug 21, 2015 12:39 AM GMT
    Dominus has it right here. Find activities that you enjoy, and join groups that welcome gay people that pursue them.

    One more theory: some guys (both straight and gay) somehow think that being open to a relationship or just being intimate is somehow not male and strong, and that intimacy is somehow a sign of weakness. Don't fall into that way of thinking: being willing to be intimate is a sign of courage or strength, which I always thought were masculine virtues. It's easier to behave as if you're invulnerable or inaccessible. It's not a route to being in a relationship, however. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
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    Aug 21, 2015 2:49 AM GMT
    FollowingRivers saidHum...let me know once you solve that equation.
    I sometimes feel as though power struggle will be pretty bad for 2 masculine men and cause the relationship to sink anyway...The ego & the pride are 2 powerful things and can make 2 guys take hasty decisions & not to back down on an issue...2 masc guys =2 alpha natures...do the math.....Maybe with a less masc guy it would make more sense....who knows.


    exactly
    --careful what you wish for.
    Might be just me, but I find it works best when he's more the person you're not; clones are fun for epic bro-out weekends, but when the shit get's real it's every masc for himself; besides that's what you're straight buds are for or is that just a masc thing?
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    Aug 26, 2015 3:44 AM GMT
    FollowingRivers saidHum...let me know once you solve that equation.
    I sometimes feel as though power struggle will be pretty bad for 2 masculine men and cause the relationship to sink anyway...The ego & the pride are 2 powerful things and can make 2 guys take hasty decisions & not to back down on an issue...2 masc guys =2 alpha natures...do the math.....Maybe with a less masc guy it would make more sense....who knows.


    This is an excellent point. One I haven't thought of before. A power struggle will always be present, and without a doubt, more so with two alphas, or two queens in the house. In fact thinking of all my friends in LTRs, they are either both pretty neutral (roles and mannerisms) or at the least neutral/extreme (a "Bro" or a "Girl Bye")

    Very good.
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    Aug 26, 2015 9:21 AM GMT
    paulflexes said
    bmorethanu saidHow to find masculine guy for monogamous partnership
    It's impossible.

    Perhaps he should fix the thread's title to either one:

    How to find masculine guy for monogamous partnership

    How to find masculine guy for monogamous partnership

    icon_lol.gif
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Aug 28, 2015 8:08 PM GMT
    Your situation is all too common from what I hear. While I can't really identify too much because I am definitely not a masc guy, I can say this. You have to keep trying. I'm not sure how long you've been out but it seems like not too long (I apologize if this is incorrect).

    I just never understood how this could be so hard for guys like you (masc guys) because it seems like masculine men are the predominant thing most people want. Unless you're expecting a hyper-masculine guy, you shouldn't have any trouble.

    But like a few others said, be careful what you wish for. I'm not saying you shouldn't date/look for hyper-masculine men but often times, I've heard stories where a masculine man did meet a hyper-masculine guy and over time, he got a little frustrated since the hyper-masculine boyfriend wouldn't be more open with them. This can work for some people but I've heard more negatives on this one than positive.

    All in all, just give it time. Believe me, you're not going to have any trouble finding one.
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Aug 28, 2015 8:11 PM GMT
    Ntyson said
    FollowingRivers saidHum...let me know once you solve that equation.
    I sometimes feel as though power struggle will be pretty bad for 2 masculine men and cause the relationship to sink anyway...The ego & the pride are 2 powerful things and can make 2 guys take hasty decisions & not to back down on an issue...2 masc guys =2 alpha natures...do the math.....Maybe with a less masc guy it would make more sense....who knows.


    This is an excellent point. One I haven't thought of before. A power struggle will always be present, and without a doubt, more so with two alphas, or two queens in the house. In fact thinking of all my friends in LTRs, they are either both pretty neutral (roles and mannerisms) or at the least neutral/extreme (a "Bro" or a "Girl Bye")

    Very good.


    I'm not sure if that's all true but for me being more softer and yes, feminine, that is the reason why I'd prefer someone a little more masculine than myself. It's the sense of balance & the yin/yang effect that draws me for it. I'm sure same for same works but on the other hand, opposites can work as well.