I just need opinions

  • Spiral

    Posts: 4

    Aug 20, 2015 12:45 PM GMT
    Quite a long one for a first post, I need advice on something that has been happening fairly recently.

    I'm a 24 year old gay man. It starts in September 2014, I break up with my boy friend of one and a half years. This doesn't really bother me so much, as the relationship had been breaking down for a while and he was quite neglectful and sometimes treated me like I didn't matter. Mid September after the break up I meet a guy on Grindr. H'es 29 turning 30 soon and I don't normally use Grindr to meet, I use it more as a more and eye candy thing but I see this guy and I decide to meet up with him for sex. He's a nice guy and says he wants to meet again which I can easily see happening as I had fun with him. We meet up several more times in a short space of time, he starts telling me he really likes and before I know it we're dating. I'm a little apprehensive at first but quickly get used to the idea and I'm happy. For the first time ever I genuinely feel happy, someone else makes me happy. Within the space of a few months I fell in real love for the first time in my life, things are going so great.
    One day while texting him he's replying with cold, distant answers. I'm confused so ask him what's wrong. He tells me he sees no future for us, mainly because I wasn't out at the time. I was scared and not willing to come out just yet and so he ended it. It was so out of the blue and it hurt so much. We stopped talking for a while and then a few month pass by and he got back in touch with me, initially asking for sex and then asking for us to talk as he thinks he made a mistake. I'm cautiously optimistic until he tells me he loves me and then I'm ecstatic about the whole thing. He says he wants to take it slow though and he asks me to be more open about him and with myself, I agree but tell him it will take time.
    We end up having the most mind blowing sex after and I go home. I tell my family that I am gay, but I don't tell him that I have told them. Over the next few days I text him to see how he is and all I get is the same cold replies, I decide that I might be smothering him so I give him a week for us both to collect ourselves. I text him after a week to see how he's doing and the same cold and disinterested replies. I give him another week. Then I asked him if he wanted to go on a date with me... I don't even get a reply to that.
    My heart is broken once again and I feel like such a fool for even trying.
    Fast forward a few more months and one very early morning before work I get a simple Hi on Grindr from him. Against my better judgement I say hello back but got no reply in return, that afternoon after work I'm on my way into town to run an errand and I see him holding hands with another guy walking down the street. This time its not just sadness that I feel its intense anger.
    Another few months pass by... He messages me asking for "horny fun." I tell him I know he has a boyfriend and not to break the poor boys heart. He says to me "he won't know, he's in work" I ask him did he do this behind my back and he tells me no, anyway I say no I wont meet him for sex and the conversation goes round to how it was good it was when we were together. It makes me feel so envious. Few days later I saw him at Pride. My first one. I went alone as I have few friends and none who would ever come with me to that. The guy hugs me and proceeds to talk to me as if nothing happened a few days ago points me in the direction of best places to go around pride. As I walk away after the conversation, I look back to see him hugging his boyfriend. Once again my heart breaks. I feel so so awful and so low. Its been 4 days since Pride, and I cant get him out of my head and everyday I keep feeling worse and worse. I feel constantly sick.

    I did love him and still do clearly, what is wrong with me? All I want is him. As I write this my chest hurts and I feel sick.

    Part of me just wants them to break up so I can have him back but the other part of me thinks I'm wrong because his new boyfriend hasn't done anything wrong and if they're happy together why should I wish them to be unhappy?

    I'm really unhappy though and it just doesn't feel fair...

    What do you think?

    What kind of person am I? What do I do?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 20, 2015 1:57 PM GMT
    Sounds like the entire relationship was all sex and nothing else.

    You never were in love with him - you're in lust, and obviously possessive about it.
  • Spiral

    Posts: 4

    Aug 20, 2015 2:06 PM GMT
    I'd just like to point out that it wasn't 'Just all sex' at all. I know the differences between love and lust. I wanted him for him not for his body. His personality. I agree maybe I am feeling a little possessive, I just feel I've lost something really special.
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    Aug 20, 2015 2:20 PM GMT
    Did y'all actually hang out and do stuff together, other than just sex?
  • Spiral

    Posts: 4

    Aug 20, 2015 2:27 PM GMT
    Yes. We'd go bowling, for food, to the cinema or even just stay in curl up on the sofa and watch TV. We'd laugh and joke with each other and I just loved spending time with him. It didn't matter what we were doing or what we were talking about it just felt real. When we were together it felt like there was no one else in the world, just us two.
  • AttisXVI

    Posts: 293

    Aug 20, 2015 2:44 PM GMT
    It seems like he's not as great as you want him to be. But he's also a serial dater. Lots of guys are guilty of that

    There's a sad truth to the dating world that a lot of guys probably don't go on a date and then wait and see. They go on multiple dates with multiple guys around the same timeframe and have fuck buddies. Call it casting a wider net. I do this...not on purpose. It just happens that I'll go on a date, we'll get along. Communication will dwindle off, I'll go on a date with someone else, guy starts texting me. Other guy is texting me. Now I'm carrying conversations with two guys.

    Eventually, one of them seals the deal and I have to figure out how to let the other guy down. Sometimes out of nervousness and guilt I can start sounding cold. I'm not a heartbreaker and I don't like letting people down so it turns into an ordeal that I set myself up for.

    I also hate telling my friends with benefits why we cant have benefits, because what it benefits were the only reason we hang out? I still want to hang out!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 20, 2015 2:47 PM GMT
    every situation is different, dont know about the UK and your family, dont want to. If your not out I just cant see how a relationship can work. your out now so hit reset and start over with someone else and know who are just acquaintances, friends and dating material.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 20, 2015 2:48 PM GMT
    Understand something: Right now you have a lot of biochemical reactions going on in your brain. These chemicals tell you to stay with the person you're in love with. It's something that's been with us since our caveman days and it keeps people together to procreate. But at some point you have to disconnect from all that and use your logical, reasoning mind and focus on the facts, no matter how hard these chemicals may make that for you.

    Do you REALLY want a guy who is cheating on his boyfriend? Even if you did manage to pull him away from him, what do you think he will do when YOUR back is turned? Think about that....

    As for how to get over him, this is what you need to do: End ALL communication with him. Block him on Grindr and block his number on your phone. If he continues to try and contact you using another method, tell him it's over and not to contact you again. Once you do this you will feel better within a month or so. But as long as you continue communication with him, you will continue to suffer and have heart ache.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 20, 2015 4:39 PM GMT
    The guy is bad news and possibly a sociopath. You deserve better.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 20, 2015 5:15 PM GMT
    Wow you have already gotten a lot of good advice. I agree with the consensus that he is bad news. You are just emotionally invested in him. We as humans hate to walk away from something we have invested in whether it be a house or a relationship. You seem like a sweet guy who will make an excellent boyfriend to some dude. Just steer clear of the drama and you will be good.
  • Spiral

    Posts: 4

    Aug 20, 2015 11:35 PM GMT
    Thank you everyone for your thoughts, its given me a little more perspective on the situation. Your help is very much appreciated. Thank you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 21, 2015 2:22 AM GMT
    DOMINUS saidThe guy is bad news and possibly a sociopath. You deserve better.


    whoa...someones been burned.

    Cautionary tail bubs...welcome to the club.

    I always say it takes meeting the right guy to change everything...maybe you'll be able to thank him for that in 10 years--yeah, 10 years, sorry.
  • MarvelBoy23

    Posts: 279

    Aug 21, 2015 3:54 PM GMT
    Radd saidUnderstand something: Right now you have a lot of biochemical reactions going on in your brain. These chemicals tell you to stay with the person you're in love with. It's something that's been with us since our caveman days and it keeps people together to procreate. But at some point you have to disconnect from all that and use your logical, reasoning mind and focus on the facts, no matter how hard these chemicals may make that for you.

    Do you REALLY want a guy who is cheating on his boyfriend? Even if you did manage to pull him away from him, what do you think he will do when YOUR back is turned? Think about that....

    As for how to get over him, this is what you need to do: End ALL communication with him. Block him on Grindr and block his number on your phone. If he continues to try and contact you using another method, tell him it's over and not to contact you again. Once you do this you will feel better within a month or so. But as long as you continue communication with him, you will continue to suffer and have heart ache.



    All of this right here. For real. I just went thru similar (no cheating involved) but the end process is the same. Breaking off communication is the key! I was able to do it long enough to break free of the pattern. That's what you'll have to do to move on!
  • SENCGuy1

    Posts: 247

    Aug 21, 2015 5:48 PM GMT
    I was involved with a sociopath who acted like this guy did. RUN!
  • Oceans_of_Flo...

    Posts: 393

    Aug 22, 2015 8:26 PM GMT

    You're new and just coming out, you've got social and value ties to the hetero community. In that community, ownership, partnership, and obligation is very important. If a guy wants sex with a girl, it is best he show devotion and a willingness to be with her exclusive and most importantly, be affirmative with her and always make her feel like the only one. Also, as long as they've been doing it, sex is touchy (hehe) in that community, it is used as tools, bargains, and strategy. And, why shouldn't it, the fate of the world is on these people's shoulders.

    You, my friend, are gay, the rules are pliable and the reason for the season is SEX. Well sex and fun. You like having sex with this guy? Yes, and he likes having sex with you. You were happy with that until you started to revert back to hetero values.

    "yeah, he loves your body, but what about long term, what about affirmation, what about a public show of affection?"

    Gay men can have that and it happens. It can't be forced, but good sex is valuable too and not taboo, unless you make it so, which you've done. You are beating yourself up for being a sexual being. You are new, you want to explore sex and you've been doing that. The bitter pill is, you'd wreck a relationship right now.

    He's a cheater - He may be open with his boyfriend or that may not even be his boyfriend. Have you flat out asked? Are you sure you aren't being self righteous judging him and are you sure you aren't projecting your insecurities into him as a villain. A villain that ... makes you feel good and makes you happy. Your insecurities and your hunger for affirmation made you unhappy.

    What will happen is, as you get older and realize YOU create your own happiness and realize how fun sex is, you'll look back on this and go "groan, we had fun so why all the added drama?" I do it now. I remember telling my first fun friend he hurt me and bravely taking back my dignity by not going over there and sucking on his ten incher anymore. Looking back, he didn't even do anything wrong. He just wanted to have fun. I wanted a boyfriend because I didn't want to feel sex starved and desperate for sex. Now days I am sex starved. LOL, the days of our lives.

  • Sam_mas

    Posts: 33

    Aug 22, 2015 8:47 PM GMT
    I teared a little reading your story, Im sorry to hear all that.. Whatever that is, I don't think you should try to get him back. For one and obvious reason, he's in another relationship with another man. Thats where you are a dead end. Im really sorry to sound really cruel to put it that way, but honey, the truth is you should let him go for real. =) If I can give you a hug I will. cheer up dude.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 24, 2015 7:46 PM GMT
    Spiral saidI'd just like to point out that it wasn't 'Just all sex' at all. I know the differences between love and lust. I wanted him for him not for his body. His personality. I agree maybe I am feeling a little possessive, I just feel I've lost something really special.


    No you didn't. You lost something that was faked, and you were manipulated whenever it was convenient for him or he had an urge, and you were handy, otherwise he wanted NOTHING to do with you. There's nothing special about that kind of behavior or person; they come a dime a dozen.

    HE lost something special, I hope (meaning I hope you will NOT entertain the idea of trying again with him). Walk away. There is real love out there and the longer you linger here with these thoughts and feelings, the more chances you miss.

    warm regards!