Never coming out to my father. EVER!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 22, 2015 11:31 AM GMT
    So now that I temporarily dropped out of college, I'm spending more times with both sides of my family.

    I was with my fathers side of the family (who I am not out to. I'm out to more people on my mothers side), having a family function. I get along well with more people from my fathers side, but I don't get along with my father that much. I mean he doesn't have a problem with me, but I just don't care for him. He treated my mother like absolute horse shit and is probably the reason for her death about ten years ago.

    So anyways most of the guys were in the den, and we were watching Law and Order, and for whatever reason he couldn't remember Christopher Meloni's name so he just said, remember that guy, he played that faggot on Oz?

    Wow. I told my half sister this story, (we have different dads) and she is telling me never to come out to him, and I agree.

    If he was mad that an actor on TV was gay, how would he feel that his own son was?

    Plus he owns quite a few guns which he has permits too. I would hate to be a victim of a gay defense rage murder. icon_sad.gif

    Ugh FML.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 22, 2015 3:01 PM GMT
    From the way you described yourself in other forum threads I doubt seriously that you need to come out to him. I'm sure he highly suspects. Confirming his suspicions will only anger him. What you can do in the future is tell him you don't like his use of words to demean and dehumanize people. If I remember correctly, I believe you said you are black or of mixed race. Remind him that he doesn't like it when people use words to dehumanize him.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Aug 22, 2015 5:25 PM GMT
    Go back to college so you can get and live your own life and not be a loser. Being successful and gay is what will gain you respect. If nothing else it will lead you to not needing him.
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    Aug 22, 2015 5:31 PM GMT
    Don't, it's not a must to come out. Just keep it to yourself, study hard and find a job that you like after you graduate from school.

    There's no need to bring unneeded dramas in your life. Stay happy.
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Aug 23, 2015 4:02 AM GMT
    AMoonHawk saidGo back to college so you can get and live your own life and not be a loser. Being successful and gay is what will gain you respect. If nothing else it will lead you to not needing him.




    This.
  • Eli_jah

    Posts: 1391

    Aug 23, 2015 4:07 AM GMT
    Stop being such a pussy. The next time you see that HOT AZZ Chris Meloni on SVU, tell your daddy, "Yeah, he played the most bad ass fag ever!" and watch him choke to death on his own hatred. Then collect the inheritance. Haw haw haw haw haw.
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    Aug 23, 2015 9:30 AM GMT
    Mulignan saidStop being such a pussy. The next time you see that HOT AZZ Chris Meloni on SVU, tell your daddy, "Yeah, he played the most bad ass fag ever!" and watch him choke to death on his own hatred. Then collect the inheritance. Haw haw haw haw haw.


    hmm..
  • roadbikeRob

    Posts: 14336

    Aug 23, 2015 1:57 PM GMT
    AMoonHawk saidGo back to college so you can get and live your own life and not be a loser. Being successful and gay is what will gain you respect. If nothing else it will lead you to not needing him.
    Why go back to collegeicon_question.gif That is no guarantee of success and prosperity in life and only guarantees a life of major indebtness and collection agencies hounding you morning, noon, and night. A college degree is no longer a ticket to success and prosperity in life. As for the OP's father, you are doing the right thing by keeping your mouth shut about your sexuality. No offense but your father sounds like one of them rabid right wing ideologues. Why stir up a hornet's nest when it is best avoided. Keep the peace.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 23, 2015 2:51 PM GMT
    Sounds like the a typical aggressive yet passive way parents use to make sure you know you are never to come out to them. My sister used to say "I don't want to know" when anything close to the subject came up.
    Personally I'd tell him, maybe post picks of me making out on his face book, maybe it'll kill him. Then again, not allowing him know the real you may be punishment enough--apples and trees.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Aug 23, 2015 3:21 PM GMT
    If you want him to know who his son really is then tell him, preferably in a way that he can't hurt you, like in a letter. Don't risk your life! But why give him the satisfaction of scaring you into pretending to be something you're not? You'll always be gay, and that will never change, but your relationship with your dad could change, and it sounds like it can't get any worse. Even if he doesn't accept it, then at least your conscience will be clear, because you'll know that you're the one who's truthful and strong, and he's the weak one who fails at love.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 23, 2015 3:46 PM GMT
    You are in a difficult situation. My guess is your Father knows you are Gay anyway. It appears you despise your Father for things he has done to you and your Mother. You do not have to tell your Father anything regarding your personal life. If you are depending on him financially, this makes matters even more volatile. If not, I suggest you break all ties with him and try make your life a success. Explain to the other half of the family, who understand so they do not think you are shunning them. If they have close contact with your Father, it would be best to distance yourself from them too. However, tell them your intentions. You can still contact them or visit them, obviously when they are not near or visiting your Father. Lastly, you need to burn off the hate or it will consume you, causing a bitter seed to grow inside you. Love your Father, remember the good times and happy times, if any. But keep your distance.
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    Aug 23, 2015 7:28 PM GMT
    Boaxy said... I don't get along with my father... he owns quite a few guns...
    a bit over dramatic? Ignore your father for now and go back to school.
  • Nhlakz

    Posts: 149

    Aug 23, 2015 9:16 PM GMT
    U not helping anyone/thing by being in the closet...u giving ppl false expectations and impressions about urself...ur dad expect u to hv a hot galfriend and get married oneday and live a "normal american dream".so its better wen u come-out later after studying and let him make a decision and b part of ur true lyf..not the scripted version..
  • FRE0

    Posts: 4862

    Aug 23, 2015 10:27 PM GMT
    Consider what you have to lose by telling your father. If you are dependent on his financial support, don't tell him until you have achieved financial independence.
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    Aug 23, 2015 11:19 PM GMT
    If your dad has heart problems, go ahead and come out to him. Maybe that'll be the "straw that breaks the camel's back."

    My dad had heart problems, and had a fatal heart attack less than a year after I came out. It was one of the most joyous moments of my life (he never did accept me).
  • FRE0

    Posts: 4862

    Aug 24, 2015 12:08 AM GMT
    paulflexes saidIf your dad has heart problems, go ahead and come out to him. Maybe that'll be the "straw that breaks the camel's back."

    My dad had heart problems, and had a fatal heart attack less than a year after I came out. It was one of the most joyous moments of my life (he never did accept me).


    We shouldn't rejoice over someone's death, even if it is someone we don't like.
  • dreamcock

    Posts: 421

    Aug 24, 2015 3:00 AM GMT
    paulflexes saidIf your dad has heart problems, go ahead and come out to him. Maybe that'll be the "straw that breaks the camel's back."

    My dad had heart problems, and had a fatal heart attack less than a year after I came out. It was one of the most joyous moments of my life (he never did accept me).
    How heartless-if it weren't for your father you wouldn't be here.
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    Aug 24, 2015 3:01 AM GMT
    dreamcock said
    paulflexes saidIf your dad has heart problems, go ahead and come out to him. Maybe that'll be the "straw that breaks the camel's back."

    My dad had heart problems, and had a fatal heart attack less than a year after I came out. It was one of the most joyous moments of my life (he never did accept me).
    How heartless-if it were'nt for your father you wouldn't be here.
    I was adopted. icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 24, 2015 3:52 AM GMT
    I do not now if I will ever come out to mine. He might already know. My mom told me that he used to tell her that I would grow up to be gay.
  • mar0302

    Posts: 273

    Aug 24, 2015 4:44 AM GMT
    People can surprise you over time... your dad might be a bigot but may change once he learns you're gay... I dated a Muslim guy for a year and he came out to his dad when we were dating.. he went into it thinking he wouldn't have a relationship with his parents after coming out as they were so religious (religious retreats etc, quite commonly)... at first his dad didn't really understand what he meant by "being gay"... his response was "but you don't even like wearing women's clothes"... over the course of a few discussions he tried to explain it.. and he left his dad some literature from pflag... the next discussion his dad was with him in the car and he stopped the car and his dad started crying.. he told my mate that he couldn't believe he had to grow up all alone with this conflict.. that it must have been awful for him and that he would support him no matter what.. and that he loved him for who he was..

    I'm not saying that your dad will accept it.. but if you're financially stable, don't rely on him, and don't really need him for anything then I'd tell him... be prepared to break off all contact and find new family (we choose the people we want around us because often gay people can be ostracised by their own families)... he may just surprise you...it may take years.. or he may never accept it..... but really that's up to him.. and you don't need to waste your life hanging out with someone that doesn't support you for who you are..
  • AttisXVI

    Posts: 293

    Aug 24, 2015 4:49 AM GMT
    Just do your own thing, and you can either come out to him after you are indeoendent and have your own place, or wait until he dies to include your family in your life.
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    Aug 24, 2015 6:26 AM GMT
    Boaxy saidSo now that I temporarily dropped out of college, I'm spending more times with both sides of my family.

    I was with my fathers side of the family (who I am not out to. I'm out to more people on my mothers side), having a family function. I get along well with more people from my fathers side, but I don't get along with my father that much. I mean he doesn't have a problem with me, but I just don't care for him. He treated my mother like absolute horse shit and is probably the reason for her death about ten years ago.

    So anyways most of the guys were in the den, and we were watching Law and Order, and for whatever reason he couldn't remember Christopher Meloni's name so he just said, remember that guy, he played that faggot on Oz?

    Wow. I told my half sister this story, (we have different dads) and she is telling me never to come out to him, and I agree.

    If he was mad that an actor on TV was gay, how would he feel that his own son was?

    Plus he owns quite a few guns which he has permits too. I would hate to be a victim of a gay defense rage murder. icon_sad.gif

    Ugh FML.

    The best leadership is by example. If bigoted people never see "normal" gay folks (like their kids) their views will never change. You owe it to yourself, and to society at large, to have integrity. When you are honest, you break down bigotry, hatered, and stereotypes. If you are a coward, nothing changes. You are then the enabler to the status quo...his bigotry...ignorance. Be part of a positive change, for yourself, and others. It's just the right thing to do, by any measure. Being a leader is not always the path of least resistance, but, you have to think of the good you'll do for yourself, you dad, and countless others. Man up. Do the right thing, Cowards never get anywhere.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 24, 2015 6:57 AM GMT
    Based on what you said it's hard to see what benefit coming out would have at this time unless you're involved with someone and he's going to find out about it one way or the other. In that case it would be better that you tell him rather than his finding out some other way along with your worrying about him finding out. Otherwise if you think it would be destructive or potentially dangerous than by all means don't tell him right now ... you have no obligation to share such personal information on anyone's schedule other than your own.
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    Aug 24, 2015 6:20 PM GMT
    Your father sounds like a red light person. He sounds like someone you just cannot share this type of thing to him. I understand what you are going through and I have not come out to my mother. My father was gay and married her and it broke her to pieces. She hates gay people. So, when I graduated college, I just left for LA with my friend who is an artist. Go to school, graduate and move away to live your life. Be you. Not being you will just hurt.
  • FitBlackCuddl...

    Posts: 800

    Aug 24, 2015 6:36 PM GMT
    "Never coming out to my father. EVER!"

    The conditions of our lives aren't the same, so it is tough to comment.

    I left home just after high school and never returned to live in my parents' house. After a few years working/living independently in a nearby city, I moved across the country and continued to live independently.

    In all of that time I never discussed sexuality, no talk of girlfriends or potential marriage, while my two brothers were actively dating women and then getting married.

    Still, my father let it be known that he suspected by actively disowning me, saying (through my younger brother) he did not want to see me until I was "married with at least two kids". That was not likely to happen, so we were estranged for twenty years.

    Sometimes people change. Father got sick...and mortality can have an eye-opening effect. In the last few years of his life, he actively reached out to me to encourage eventual closure.