Moving on from betrayal when you have to see them all the time.

  • williamgeo

    Posts: 19

    Aug 22, 2015 4:51 PM GMT
    I have posted about this situation before but want advice on the recent developments.

    A few months back I told a close 'friend' about a guy I liked. He encouraged me to invite him out on my birthday to see if anything might happen and made a joke about 'stealing him'. I never considered he actually would as he had a boyfriend. When the guy turned up my friend spent the whole night flirting with him and I didn't even get a chance to talk to him. From that point on he kept referring to him as his own potential love interest, despite knowing I was bothered about what happened. Nothing ended up happening between them so I overlooked it.

    Shortly after this his mother died in a pretty awful way and my life became about looking after him.

    A few months later he arranged a night out and invited the guy without telling me and kept leaving us alone as if he was setting us up. Then he got drunk, kissed him in front of me and went back to his house (despite having a bf). I was upset that he'd been so insensitive, tried to talk to him about it a few days later but he just got very defensive. I was willing to accept it was a misunderstanding and move on but he chose to completely cut me out of his life.

    He has blanked me at every social event over the last 4 months which has actually hurt more than the original act. Last night he had his birthday party to which I was not invited. I text him today to say that I hoped his birthday wasn't too difficult and that even though our friendship is over it's still important to me that he's happy. Of course he hasn't replied.

    Many people have told me to stop thinking about it but it's hard when he's at every social gathering and seeing my friends all the time. No one seems to know why he's chosen to cut me out - is it common for guilty people to pin the blame on the victim?

    After all this time I'm still really confused and want to know if there's anything else I can do to make the situation a little more bearable.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Aug 22, 2015 5:03 PM GMT
    Sure it's common to deflect blame. The hard part is that they actually believe their bogus version of events. Usually a severely self-absorbed person. If I were you, I'd write this guy off as someone you really don't need in your life. Happens.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Aug 22, 2015 5:10 PM GMT
    He's obviously not a friend to you. Stop degrading yourself, have some self respect, you're better than that, stop calling him a friend. He's not! Nor will he ever be, so just write him off.
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    Aug 22, 2015 5:32 PM GMT
    mat-doormat-funny1.gif
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    Aug 22, 2015 5:43 PM GMT
    Let go of him. The end.
  • oldfart

    Posts: 328

    Aug 23, 2015 3:13 AM GMT
    You want to heal the situation, but he's stone cold.

    He's a queen, and you're definitely the better man. You'll find better than him.

    And if he ever does try to warm back up to you, don't waste your time. He is not trustworthy.

  • Oceans_of_Flo...

    Posts: 393

    Aug 23, 2015 4:24 AM GMT
    The original slight .... honey, if you both were stranded on a desert island and plenty of water but no mixed drinks and upon being rescued one of the Marines gives you a Sea Breeze for the two of you, yet you hesitate to drink it, but your friend downs it, who's to blame? The God damn Marine, one cocktail for two men?!

    You - have a heart of gold and as you know, Gold is highly sought after by bandits. You need a friend like this because its better a friend galvanize you than the world.

    If he brings in a potential play mate for you, yet hoards him, get in there and compete. If he doesn't invite you to his party, go anyway. If he doesn't text you, blast him on social media. If he tries to chill with your friends, saunter over and order a round. Hehe, you be the friend that buys the booze.

    He never officially dumped you anyway, you are assuming a lot as well. I'm like you, a pansy, but this is the Garden of Eden, there are snakes and everything; we've got to toughen up and gain knowledge from the fruits around us. icon_razz.gif

    Make up with him. Tell him no hard feelings, er bros before.. bros or something. And pay attention to learn how to crush your enemy. You may never do it, but you'll atleast see it coming next time and set up a defense or save someone else. You can learn from the worst and use it altruistically. Besides, he's your unsuitable friend, everyone needs at least one. He's your Blanch.

    ............................





  • mar0302

    Posts: 273

    Aug 23, 2015 9:06 AM GMT
    williamgeo said No one seems to know why he's chosen to cut me out - is it common for guilty people to pin the blame on the victim?

    After all this time I'm still really confused and want to know if there's anything else I can do to make the situation a little more bearable.



    Yes, it's common for people to look for someone to blame to make themselves feel better. It happens in all kinds of breakups, including relationships.. People don't want to look at the logical answer (they participated or were at least partly responsible) so they look to blame the other person.. That is probably what your mate is doing here..

    What can you do to make it more bearable? Do what he's done.. blame him.. he's clearly responsible.. you're trying to take responsibility for fixing what this twat has done and it's not your issue.. maybe he'll come around and see the light of day.. but if not, then you're better off.. You need to move on...
  • Antarktis

    Posts: 213

    Aug 23, 2015 12:06 PM GMT
    Sounds like a drunk ho. Do really need that? If he gets in your way just pay his pimp to snap him back.
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    Aug 23, 2015 12:24 PM GMT
    It's hard to let these things go when you can't get closure from the other person. You have to look for a way to find closure without involving your friend. This is a life lesson and it can improve your relationships going forward if you learn from it.
  • aax_aax_aax

    Posts: 80

    Aug 24, 2015 9:07 AM GMT
    this ^^