BREAKUP to MAKEUP Stories -- I need to know there is hope.

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    Jan 30, 2009 3:40 PM GMT
    Hi Guys,

    You all have helped me in the past, so now I need some advice from those of you who have been in a situation where you met a guy, you fell in love almost immediately, it was intense, wonderful, and perfect for a month or so then, seemingly in an instant, it was over! Or, at least it seemed like it was. But, things ended out working out?

    My guy and I have stopped communicating and, for all intensive purposes I guess I have been dumped. It's only been about 2 weeks since we last spoke on the phone, but I sent him what I thought was a heartfelt and sweet email, trying to open the line of communication, and he never even responded. I'm going crazy because I miss him so much, and what is harder than anything is not knowing what he is thinking. Does he miss me too? Is he just taking time to himself to sort things out in his own mind? Is he even thinking about me at all? Is he missing me and sad like I am too, or is he glad to be rid of me? How could something so amazing and wonderful that seemed so real vanish in what seems like an instant? If he wrote me a letter and just said "Adam, it was fun while it lasted, but I don't love you and I don't want a relationship with you any longer", then I would be sad, but at least I could move on. Not knowing if he is happy to be rid of me, or if he is as sad as I am, is driving me crazy. I want to call him so bad, but I won't. I just wish he would communicate via email with me how he is feeling so I know one way or another. Could someone honestly treat me like I am the only person in the entire world for him (The Man of his Dreams) and then in a heartbeat cast me aside as if I am worthless and it meant nothing? Granted, we live almost 600 miles a part, and he has a busy career, but we went from speaking daily to not communicating at all in a matter of days. Was what we shared together just a game to him? I'm hurting. How could he treat me with so much insensitivity? I feel like I should be the star of the new movie "He's Just Not That Into You".

    Anyway, my question for you guys is this: Have any of you gone through similar situations where you met a guy and it was like the most amazing love affair you could ever have dreamed of but that things like distance made the relationship challenging. Then things just came to a screeching halt and it seemed like it was over and you would likely never see each other or even speak again, but that you found your way back into each others lives after a little time had passed and the relationship was stronger because of it? I know, I am looking for hope here, but I want to hear from others who were about to give up hope that a relationship would find it's way back on track, but it did. I feel like this man could have been the love of my life, and I know he loved me too -- at least he said he did -- and then it is over as fast as it started. Is there any hope?

    Thanks, guys.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 30, 2009 3:42 PM GMT

    It's clear to you and you know it: the jerk just woke up one day and decided...

    hes_just_not_that_into_you.jpg

    Moving on...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 30, 2009 4:02 PM GMT
    DTMFA- dump the motha fucka already. passive aggressive and controling all he had to was respond hes not a real man. You seem very sweet get your BFF's go out get shit faced drunk have a hangover and move on
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    Jan 30, 2009 4:46 PM GMT
    I have too much self respect to make up with someone who broke up with me. Giving him a second chance just puts a big ass flashing neon sign over your head that says "I'm a fucking doormat! Go ahead, wipe your dirty feet on me again!" Likewise, I couldn't respect someone who wanted me back after I dumped him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 30, 2009 4:50 PM GMT
    Dude you were together for a month or so?

    HE wasn't your boyfriend, He wasn't your soul mate, He wasn't anything.

    Sounds like you were a glorified trick for eachother.

    Get over it, I mean you seriously sound like a 14 year old girl
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    Jan 30, 2009 5:04 PM GMT
    Ouch! That was harsh. Chungo.
  • UFJocknerd

    Posts: 392

    Jan 30, 2009 5:16 PM GMT
    I liked the line from Malkovich on SNL a few weeks ago. While reading A Christmas Carol to children: "Hope is what we cling to when reality has left us nothing else."

    You're living for someone else, buddy. You're spending all your time worrying about whether someone else will call you, or what he thinks, or whatever. And you were only dating for a month, so most of what you thought of him was probably not real, but just all the stuff you were hoping he would be.

    'nuff said. It sucks. Dwelling will make sure it keeps sucking. Moving on will make the sucking end sooner.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 30, 2009 5:21 PM GMT
    The first guy I slept with was the first guy I fell for. It lasted about a month. He broke up with me and I was devastated. But fortunately I had closure because he told me what his feelings were.

    In your situation the guy is not returning your calls. That is cruel on his part, but he might not be able to face up to the conversation of telling you that he does not want to date you. Most guys hate emotional confrontations, it brings out the wimp in them very quickly.

    Take the advice of a 48 year old gay man who has been on both sides of this situation. Cry your eyes out until you feel better and don't miss him as much. Then move on and take this as a learning experience. Don't obsess about him, there are a lot of guys out there that I am sure would be happy to date you.
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    Jan 30, 2009 5:23 PM GMT
    Ducky44 saidOuch! That was harsh. Chungo.


    HARSH??? MAYBE.

    TRUE??? Definitely

    this guy is 29 years old according to his profile he needs to grow up.
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    Jan 30, 2009 5:25 PM GMT
    chungo44 saidDude you were together for a month or so?

    HE wasn't your boyfriend, He wasn't your soul mate, He wasn't anything.

    Sounds like you were a glorified trick for eachother.

    Get over it, I mean you seriously sound like a 14 year old girl


    Yeah not cool... Let's all roast you when you get dumped...icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Jan 30, 2009 5:28 PM GMT
    You need to let go and let god.
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    Jan 30, 2009 5:38 PM GMT
    Sean_85 said
    chungo44 saidDude you were together for a month or so?

    HE wasn't your boyfriend, He wasn't your soul mate, He wasn't anything.

    Sounds like you were a glorified trick for eachother.

    Get over it, I mean you seriously sound like a 14 year old girl


    Yeah not cool... Let's all roast you when you get dumped...icon_rolleyes.gif


    dude he didnt get dumped, there was no relationship to end. If I ever post about how distraught I am about the end of my loving amazing relationship withe most spectacular wonderful, special guys that I dated for all of a month. I damn well hope you roast me, better yet take a gun shoot me and put me out of my own misery (I couldn't stand to be THAT pathetic)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 30, 2009 5:40 PM GMT
    One thing I have learned is that it is pretty important to be blatantly clear about your intentions with people after you have slept with them.
    Otherwise you have people who think you are leading them on when, in your mind, you have simply moved on.

    From my perspective, the fact that he did not respond to your message is a pretty clear indicator he would like you to move on. Yeah it sucks and your ego will create a million different scenarios and games just to prove to yourself that it was more than it actually was but keep your head engaged. Regardless of what he writes or does not write, it is time to move on. If he loved you, he would be interested in easing your pain and your mind. Clearly he isn't. When someone truly cares about you as much as themselves, they make sure you are ok. If he can't even manage an email back to you, I'm guessing he is washing his hands of the mess he KNOWS he left.
    Clinging to someone who is ignoring you will only make you feel worse.
    You deserve someone who thinks highly enough of you to at least make sure you understand what happened.


    On a personal note. I was casually seeing a guy and realized it was just too soon after just getting out of a 10 yr relationship to dedicate myself to a new relationship. So I started pulling back. It only made him want me more and I felt like a dick. So I wrote a long letter, saying everything on my mind so he would understand what I was going through and not feeling. He handled it like such a man that it kept a door I was about to close, open.
    My point is this, when you respect someone, you tell them what is happening. When you don't, you just walk away.


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    Jan 30, 2009 5:56 PM GMT
    animanimus said
    JockSnack2008 saidI'm hurting. How could he treat me with so much insensitivity?.

    &
    GuerrillaSodomite saidI have too much self respect to make up with someone who broke up with me. Giving him a second chance just puts a big ass flashing neon sign over your head that says "I'm a fucking doormat! Go ahead, wipe your dirty feet on me again!" Likewise, I couldn't respect someone who wanted me back after I dumped him.


    guerrilla puts well into words action i've taken in the past but i'd never really quite defined. it just came pretty natural for me to obliterate from my life those who would hurt me.

    instead of asking yourself "how could he treat me with so much insensitivity?" you need to ask yourself not just "how could i let him treat me so badly" but, especially, you need to ask yourself "what about that still attracts me to him."


    Exactly!icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 30, 2009 6:54 PM GMT
    chungo44 saidDude you were together for a month or so?



    HE wasn't your boyfriend, He wasn't your soul mate, He wasn't anything.

    Sounds like you were a glorified trick for eachother.

    Get over it, I mean you seriously sound like a 14 year old girl



    We were dating more like 4 months, but we were only calling ourselves "boyfriends" for about a month or so. But, that's beside the point. Feelings of love don't come and go on a time clock, they just happen when they do. I appreciate all of you guys input and you're right, I need to just get over it because, obviously, hard as it is to face, he just wasn't that into me. He sure did put on a pretty good acting job then.

    What upsets me almost more than the breakup itself is the fact that I allowed myself to fall so deeply in love with someone so quickly, and that this person in the end had so little regard for my feelings. I gave him much more credit than that. I thought I was a better judge of character, but apparently I need to brush up on those skills.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 30, 2009 7:30 PM GMT
    Hey, you didn't do anything wrong by falling in love quickly. Some people do.

    The only mistake you could make would be if you lost your self-respect.

    Instead, have a cry if you want to. Maybe watch Beaches. Or High School Musical 3 for a more uplifting experience, (but keep that a secret).

    Then head back out into the world. Men are a dime a dozen. Treat yourself to a new and shiny one.
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    Jan 30, 2009 8:05 PM GMT
    JockSnack2008 said
    What upsets me almost more than the breakup itself is the fact that I allowed myself to fall so deeply in love with someone so quickly, and that this person in the end had so little regard for my feelings.


    Most of us have been through both sides of this scenario. It sometimes happens that someone can't continue in a relationship because his feelings are conflicted. Maybe he can't express his reasons in a way that makes sense to him. Maybe he's not comfortable discussing painful issues.

    Your earlier thread gave lots of clues that he had much to feel conflicted about. The fact that he hasn't communicated shows weakness of character, but it doesn't necessarily mean that his original feelings for you weren't genuine, or that you allowed yourself to be duped.

  • zakariahzol

    Posts: 2241

    Jan 30, 2009 8:09 PM GMT
    Thats the way life is. I use to love a guy so much and he telling me "Zak, I love you but not in love with you". I got a "I love you but I just have to move out and be with him" .

    You need to accept reality and thing the way it is. You cant force love . If he show no interest in coming back, it really time to move on . Have some pride and self worth. Dont waste your time wishing for something that will never come back. There so many other men out there for you to love .
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    Jan 30, 2009 8:32 PM GMT
    600 miles away, together for 4 months, and now he's incommunicado. It sounds like he told you what you wanted to hear, played in to your romantic and idealistic side both of which are host sites for the emotional bacteria known as insecurities. He probably got what he wanted out of it, without any consideration for you and now he's moving on.

    I think the key is to know when you're being manipulated. Does he spend a lot of time telling you the things you want to hear? Or do you communicate about pertinent matters and see the world in a similar way? Is he focused primarily on sex, and is pretending like he's interested in getting to know you the means of getting it? Or is he focused on getting to know you and sex is an added benefit of a forming bond? When he talks to you, do you feel like individual or an object? Have you ever sent money, or expensive items? Is he older, younger, around your age?

    You don't have to answer those, it's food for thought so you'll be able to weed through the jerks better.
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    Jan 31, 2009 5:00 AM GMT
    So, I guess no one had a relationship that in the early stages looked hopeless and over, that actually turned out working out? Bummer
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    Jan 31, 2009 5:27 AM GMT
    I had a relationship that lasted about three months, then we broke up. Two weeks later we got back together. I spent the next two months kicking myself in the ass for being so mind numbingly stupid to walk back into the same failed relationship.

    So no. I did not have the experience you hoped for. But from your description, the guy is an asshole and you deserve better.
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    Feb 02, 2009 8:35 PM GMT
    I was going to type a long response, but then I saw this:

    mnjock2003> when you respect someone, you tell them what is happening. When you don't, you just walk away

    I can only hope to learn to be that succinct.


    JockSnack2008> Feelings of love don't come and go on a time clock,

    True, but often they can disappear faster than they came.

    I think that at 4 months it's safe to say that the relationsihp made it past the "honeymoon phase". It may not be what you hoped for, but it was what it was. It's difficult now, but one day you may look back on it fondly for what it was. But donj't worry about that now.


    JockSnack2008> What upsets me almost more than the breakup itself is the fact that I allowed myself to fall so deeply in love with someone so quickly, and that this person in the end had so little regard for my feelings. I gave him much more credit than that. I thought I was a better judge of character, but apparently I need to brush up on those skills.

    Yes, Adam, you need to brush up on those skills... but don't let one jerk make you stop being you.


    JockSnack2008> I guess no one had a relationship that in the early stages looked hopeless and over, that actually turned out working out?

    Ask that again and I'm going to start yelling at you like chungo44 did!
    (:

    Seriously, I know how hard it is to let go. I got "dumped" after 2.5 years. I wasted half a year thinking he'll come to his senses. Only then could I start recovering, and that took me at least another year. Don't go there.

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    Feb 02, 2009 9:10 PM GMT
    I cannot say what the other guy was thinking. It is largely irrelevant. The issue is really about you.

    He may have been perfect for you, but you assumed that you were therefore perfect for him. You projected that onto him.
    I dated someone once who constantly said I was perfect for him, and yet even when I said I disagreed and explained why, he was deaf to it. When I ended the 'relationship', he acted as if it was out of the blue, as you are doing. He wanted it to continue as it was going, which I had stated was nowhere. I had been forthcoming about the status of the relationship from the beginning, and yet he might as well have been a child with his hands over his ears, running in circles, yelling, "La la la la la!" at the top of his lungs.
    I made an attempt to reconcile this, but clearly he had refused to see the truth. He decided to wallow in anger and childish vindictiveness to the point where, 10 months after we split, one of my dogs died and he found out and sent me a vicious and heartless email. As pained as I was at that moment over the loss of my dog, the email made me smile because I realized I'd moved on, and he was still stuck in a fantasy of losing something that never existed to begin with. While I hope he eventually finds happiness, I know I will have nothing to do with him.

    You only really have two choices.
    1.) Move on now and start to live your life.
    or
    2.) Dwell in sorrow and anger and resentment for who knows how long, before finally moving on.

    I recommend #1.
    The outcome is the same either way.

    I have slightly oversimplified my story for clarity's sake. It was far more complex though the above is accurate.
  • styrgan

    Posts: 2017

    Feb 02, 2009 9:17 PM GMT
    chungo44 said
    Ducky44 saidOuch! That was harsh. Chungo.


    HARSH??? MAYBE.

    TRUE??? Definitely

    this guy is 29 years old according to his profile he needs to grow up.


    True. But he's just come out. His gay age is 15.
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    Feb 02, 2009 9:33 PM GMT
    mnjock2003 said
    From my perspective, the fact that he did not respond to your message is a pretty clear indicator he would like you to move on. Yeah it sucks and your ego will create a million different scenarios and games just to prove to yourself that it was more than it actually was but keep your head engaged. Regardless of what he writes or does not write, it is time to move on. If he loved you, he would be interested in easing your pain and your mind. Clearly he isn't. When someone truly cares about you as much as themselves, they make sure you are ok. If he can't even manage an email back to you, I'm guessing he is washing his hands of the mess he KNOWS he left.
    Clinging to someone who is ignoring you will only make you feel worse.
    You deserve someone who thinks highly enough of you to at least make sure you understand what happened.


    On a personal note. I was casually seeing a guy and realized it was just too soon after just getting out of a 10 yr relationship to dedicate myself to a new relationship. So I started pulling back. It only made him want me more and I felt like a dick. So I wrote a long letter, saying everything on my mind so he would understand what I was going through and not feeling. He handled it like such a man that it kept a door I was about to close, open.
    My point is this, when you respect someone, you tell them what is happening. When you don't, you just walk away.




    Um, would you like to be my boyfriend?!! icon_cool.gif

    JockSnack, I feel your pain. Our friend above has said wise words that you should take to heart, for your own good. When someone shows this poor side of themselves so early on, it cannot go well in the end. Think about it this way: This way of behaving is part of his character, which means that even if it were to turn around, he'd be a dickhead at some other point, for some other reason, and in some other way. And since you barely know or truly love the guy (being that you've only known him for a bit), it is not worth it.