Is it for better or worse to avoid guys who live in gay neighborhoods?

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    Aug 29, 2015 1:17 AM GMT
    Ok, 2nd thread of the night before my date...

    I'm starting to notice a pattern. The pattern is, whenever I meet a guy in the (every city usually has the gentrified, near downtown, hard to find parking, most guys don't have cars, and overly expensive) gayborhood, they always seem great at first. At first can be anywhere from 1 weekend to a couple of weeks. But it never fails, they end up being like a high mileage, used Ford. Something goes wrong. Then, it might start working again...only to breakdown (or breakup) once again. Then, it's back to the shop.

    Ok, maybe I'm generalizing, but it's so fucking true most all the time. And I'm starting to notice this more and more in my area (considered Capitol Hill in Denver). In other areas, they are either not interested at all...but you won't find this sudden, strong, almost OBSESSIVE interest like these gayborhood gay bar guys do, only to find out some bullshit later on. They do all that, only to drop you. Just like BOOM. Dump you off in a ditch somewhere.

    I'm just so sick of it. Lot of these guys come from other cities too, so makes me wonder whether it's really local or something nationwide. Why the fuck are gay neighborhood guys so flaky? And all the most flakiest guys have dreams and visions of living in "Capitol Hill" or insert whatever gayborhood your town has.

    That's why I think I've had good luck dating in Orlando, San Antonio, Phoenix, etc. because those cities don't really have gayborhoods. They live all over. And the reason why I feel gayborhood men are the way they are, is because they see gay people day and night, everywhere they go. Gay guys are their neighbors, and its easy for them to just walk 2 blocks and meet another gay guy.

    ME, on the other hand...I don't have many gay neighbors. I go to the store, I don't see gay people because I live in the suburbs. There are gay people here, but you only see them on Grindr/Scruff...and they don't even speak in public. So, when I want to meet new gay people I HAVE to go to the gay area.
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    Aug 29, 2015 3:47 AM GMT
    You're going to be miserable wherever you go. Nobody cares!!!!
  • pelotudo87

    Posts: 225

    Aug 30, 2015 12:39 AM GMT
    I used to live in a "gayborhood," and I had similar experiences.

    People would REALLY want to meet you, and then suddenly vanish. If you did manage to get into a relationship (I wasn't, but from what I have been told), people are very superficial and suspicious that their boyfriend is cheating, so it doesn't usually last long, or if it does, it isn't the type of relationship that most people would consider a "good" relationship.

    Honestly, I think that it's just that gay men in gayborhoods are like kids in candy stores: there are so many options, they have trouble deciding what they want. Heterosexual kids are similar when they go away to college: I have heard that the main state university where I live has a lot of superficial, sleazy guys who just want to party and hook up with as many women as possible.

    Whenever the possibilities seem unending, especially for the first time after not having any possibilities (moving from a small town to the gaybhorhood), people are in an exploratory stage and don't really want to commit.


    However, another part of the dynamic:

    It seems that in a lot of the gayborhoods, people know each other, or at least have seen a lot of the same people. When they see "fresh meat," they go for it...but are then distracted by old flings / "fresher" fresh meat.


    Just my opinion. Honestly, I think that the gayborhood has its place, but even though it gives gay and bisexual men a lot of options, it's like a buffet: quantity doesn't necessarily mean quality.
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    Aug 30, 2015 12:52 AM GMT
    THANKYOU PELO...everything you said, especially about he cheating. Every story I hear about, is someone cheating or accused of cheating.

    I knew something had to make sense here. I know because I was actually dating a guy in a gayborhood for a couple weeks. Out of nowhere, he just stopped asking me to come over, wasn't blowing my phone up anymore....and no he won't even respond to any of my messages. I finally gave up on him.

    And my date from last night? Lord have mercy. This is why I'm about to leave Scruff alone. I believe that site attracts a lot of duds.

    I meet this guy who've I've been talking to and trying to meet now for like 2 months. Mexican guy from El Paso, but lives in Denver. We've exchanged pics. Enough times. We made definite plans, he's blowing my phone up making sure I confirm my date before he comes drive all the way over. Gets here, I get in the jeep...he Immediately dismisses me, makes up some excuse...says he's going to come back, then makes ANOTHER excuse as to why he can't come back.

    I don't know if he thought I was Hispanic or what, but he seemed very, very cold and did a 360 in attitude. Which I don't understand, he seen all my pics. It's not like a misrepresented myself.

    That's why I believe some forms of favoritism and bias is real. This guy couldn't even give me the respect or time to just go forward with the date...instead just dismissed me on the spot. I'm so sick of this shit.
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    Aug 30, 2015 1:06 AM GMT
    I have always liked the Hillcrest, San Diego area. Guys are friendly and flirtatious. I love So Cal for that reason and have zero complaints.

    Phoenix is also really pleasant. Guy are genuine and the crowd is Kind. I love my downtown Phoenix people and have only good things to say. When I am on official business they are respectable and nice. If I jump on a social app. it like wow, that's you.....fun, entertaining and warm!!! AZ.
  • daveindenver

    Posts: 314

    Aug 30, 2015 3:16 AM GMT
    Hey fuzzypecs.....you say you're here in denver...but your profile says ya live in another state. Where are you really ? And ...you nailed the no car having/sorta screwed up/typical gayborhood resident that I've been running into as well....
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    Aug 30, 2015 3:18 AM GMT
    FuzzyPecs27 saidIs it for better or worse to avoid guys who live in gay neighborhoods?
    Better, because they might encourage you to come out of the closet and post a face pic.
  • Pyre85

    Posts: 213

    Aug 30, 2015 5:23 AM GMT
    It sucks trying to make a relationship in a big city. And in a small town. And if you're straight, or gay.
    Every other song on the radio is about love, wandering eyes, broken promises, lust.
    Every T.V. show, regardless of theme, involves relationships and how difficult it is to make them work.
    People are complicated screwed up things. Finding someone who's truly compatible with you on all the crazy different levels between attraction and personality is like winning the lottery. Finding someone like that who feels the same way about you? Like getting stuck by lightning while winning the lottery in a field of four leaf clovers. End of story.
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    Aug 30, 2015 8:14 AM GMT
    I think it's because guys who live in the gayborhood have too many choices or gay bars or too many *slutty dudes to choose from. Guys are generally flaky if they're not into you. I'd say just keep trying and stay away from the bars scene, I definitely do not want a club queen from the gayborhood to be a bf for sure.
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    Aug 30, 2015 9:02 AM GMT
    Well goddamit, kill me then. Strike me with lighting. I don't want the fucking lottery.I don't wanna fucking live just let me go! Lord Jesus PLEASE!

    So What do you guys think of the opening line of my new drama novel, lol? And Paul flexes, yes I do have a face pic. They seen it before they met me.

    On a serious note, it really is ridiculous. gay gayborhood gays needs to stop being so gay, daveindenver..,,I've never seen you here??? Let's connect. All it takes is 1 other personal support to help clear my mind. However, Im leaving Colorado for awhile. I need to be around family and other cultural people. most gayborhoods are too damn vanilla, whitebread, Casper. It's ridiculous. It doesn't even represent the true numbers. Denver is especially bad for it, as most other cities gayborhoods, I'm just going to leave.

    It's only that way because gayborhood guys do insensitive ass SHIT, like the shit I been talking about. Most Black and ethnic people don't have time for that stupid ass shit. ARRRGHHHHH! I just wanna put my foot up someone's fucking ass right now! IM SO SICK OF THIS FUCKING SHIT!!!
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    Aug 30, 2015 3:31 PM GMT
    I've found that gay guys whose lives revolve around "gayness" (i.e., those who live, work, eat, shop, work out, etc., in gay or predominantly gay areas) tend to have a very narrow perspective and are a tad short-term-focused.
  • roadbikeRob

    Posts: 14335

    Aug 30, 2015 3:31 PM GMT
    robbaker saidBut gay neighborhoods are everywhere now .becoming more trendy trashy pretentious narcissistic spoiled slutty boy loving club drugged up ravers rowdy bitchy queenie .god i can just go on it's endless icon_mad.gif
    You definitely have some mental health issues. You are the most bitter, negative, ill informed person on here. You rant like a two year old baby. Grow up and get a grip on life man.
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    Aug 31, 2015 1:40 PM GMT
    It's neither better nor worse. I will say avoiding guys just because they live in a gayborhood reduces your already slim prospects. Personally, I like being surrounded by other gay men. The trick is is not to be drawn into some aspects of the culture, which is easy for me because I came out late in life.
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    Aug 31, 2015 2:55 PM GMT
    Denver has low property tax and a fair amount of services. People want to live in the city for some reason. The cost of housing has become expansive so I see many good millennials priced out of the area into the suburbs. Unless they have a room mate.

    the Denver Cheasmond Park cap hill area was always very static and VERY expensive. People living there tend to do with out some items; like a car. Public transportation (only bus in the gay bro) is at least functional so possible to get around with out. Street park a car in the city and see what happens to it. You can see these peeps might not want to do a field trip into the surrounding burbs and the men in the suburbs are unable to chance city traffic and parking. My husband, from Cap Hill, initially claimed the best blow job in Denver and i attest it is so true.

    the real estate plan has changed somewhat in Denver; locate your residence near a lite rail station. This puts some well off areas with out, having only bus service, Cap Hill, the Highlands, Cherry Creek. The bus that runs on Colfax Av, a north boundary of the gay bro, has lots of criminals at any given time! Cap hill has a high crime rate according to the numbers the city has on line. Higher than the N Denver Swansea area.

    We have a unit in the denver gay bro and it has never been difficult finding tenants. None of them have been gay tho. I have a nice urban rental showing in N Denver, next to the proposed A Line, if anyone interested?
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Sep 04, 2015 10:11 AM GMT
    UndercoverMan saidIt's neither better nor worse. I will say avoiding guys just because they live in a gayborhood reduces your already slim prospects. Personally, I like being surrounded by other gay men. The trick is is not to be drawn into some aspects of the culture, which is easy for me because I came out late in life.





    Agree.

    Perhaps we are more tolerant/laid back here in New Orleans than in other gay cities?
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    Sep 04, 2015 11:43 AM GMT
    UndercoverMan saidIt's neither better nor worse. I will say avoiding guys just because they live in a gayborhood reduces your already slim prospects. Personally, I like being surrounded by other gay men. The trick is is not to be drawn into some aspects of the culture, which is easy for me because I came out late in life.

    +1

    Yeah, I think age & experience when I came out late made me mostly immune to gayborhood shortcomings. Even though I hadn't previously identified myself as gay, and had no knowledge of that scene. But life experiences in general are much the same and both sides of the fence, so I already knew how to pick & choose, finding the worthwhile and avoiding the bad.

    I realize many younger guys won't know this skill yet. Making the gayborhood, especially in larger cities, very intimidating and even risky. But I enjoy being there myself.

    Another factor is being of working or college age, versus being retired. I'm sure the gayborhood appears a lot differently when you mainly see it on your time off from your job, whereas I see it all day, every day. And my regular companions are mostly my own retired age, with the occasional gay tourist, and unemployed younger guys.

    The trick is to be selective in who you meet, where you go, what you do. And to shape & control your own gayborhood experience to your satisfaction, not to let it shape & control you.
  • bobbobbob

    Posts: 2812

    Sep 04, 2015 12:23 PM GMT


    Honestly... and I don't mean this in a bad way directed to you but in a broader context. I'm sick and tired of hearing guys in real life and in forums bitch moan and whine about not being able to make an online relationship transform into a a real one.

    The definition of insanity is doing the same shit with the same shitty people expecting different shit to happen.

    Why not try it the tried and true old fashioned way and get out of your comfortable bubble at home and get out and meet people in person? Socialize anyway you can. Get out, go and do rather than depend on the internet to make meet your needs.

    But that's just the opinion of an old guy who's always had great success at doing things that way... probably better than most guys sitting at home chasing guys online.
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    Sep 04, 2015 5:27 PM GMT
    I was just thinking this the other day, wondering if it would be better to move closer to a gayborhood here in NYC like Chelsea and Hell's Kitchen since I currently live at the top of Upper Manhattan.

    I talked about this with a freind and he said that probably would put me around more out gay guys but wouldn't help finding dates as, according to him "guys who live in those areas aren't looking to date and get too caught up in the scene and have 'gay culture tunnel vision' since it's right at their doorstep.

    "Plus those are highly transient neighborhoods" Quality, relationship minded guys are found by his standards in the outlying neighborhoods and suburbs. His assesment if gayborhoods was a bit harsh but he might be on to something. Or he might be limiting himself... Maybe a bit of both.
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    Sep 04, 2015 6:06 PM GMT
    DOMINUS saidI've found that gay guys whose lives revolve around "gayness" (i.e., those who live, work, eat, shop, work out, etc., in gay or predominantly gay areas) tend to have a very narrow perspective and are a tad short-term-focused.


    I've found this as well. They're also usually kinda bitter and angry and VERY passive-aggressive (bitchy). Maybe it's because they restrict themselves so much?
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Sep 04, 2015 9:14 PM GMT
    Finding someone, falling in love and getting married doesn't have to be as unlikely as winning the lottery, as long as you realize that it's not exactly like it's depicted in love songs and fairy tales. If I were to wax lyrical about my husband, I could focus on whatever drama, passion, or flavor I want to cook with. It's all there, but the key is that there's also a long stretch of time and growing and choosing to overcome obstacles together that you can't just take a shortcut through. It doesn't just poof happen like destiny. I also think it takes a certain personality type. You have to be someone who sticks to things in general, or you'll never get past the million pitfalls and distractions and sense of needing something else. It's like trying to have strong family. You have to be committed to yours and yours alone.

    If you're young and your whole life revolves around the gay scene, then when you meet someone you almost have to retreat from the scene you were in, to some degree. In the first five to seven years, anything can happen. If you don't know where you'll be in seven years as a single person, then you don't know in a relationship, either. It takes such epic time to really know what it's like to grow up, and to love someone you have to significantly grow with them, and you don't want all the jealousy around. It's really not until you've fully emotionally committed for years of growing together and becoming more in love that you reach this golden period where the relationship seems invulnerable to outside forces. Until then, you just have to agree to always make it work, and always understand that trust is everything.

    Forgot the perfect ass, even if you both have it, because trust is sexiest thing in the marriage bed. You feel with your lover this connection that grows into something where it wouldn't matter who else came along, you would always choose your husband, because no one could be bigger or better or know you as well, and breaking the trust just once will taint monogamy forever.

    If that's impossible, then of course there are guys in open relationships who continue to treasure what they have, but I really don't know what that's like. I just know it wouldn't be the same as what I have now in the relationship I'm in, even if it was still with the same person.
  • metta

    Posts: 39099

    Sep 04, 2015 9:30 PM GMT
    I don't know about guys in gay neighborhoods so I don't feel like generalizing about that.

    But I will say that the gayborhoods around the country are changing right now. Many of them are becoming less gay. I don't know of any gayborhood in the US where the gay community is growing within it right now. Many have become very expensive places to live, whether it is the Castro in San Francisco (tech industry), West Hollywood (next to Beverly Hills), etc.

    Will there be gayborhoods in 20 years? I hope that they don't disappear altogether.
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    Sep 05, 2015 2:18 AM GMT
    southbeach1500 said
    Art_Deco saidYeah, I think age & experience when I came out late made me mostly immune to gayborhood shortcomings.


    You didn't "come out" late. Remember, you simply didn't know you were gay, according to you. "Coming out" would mean that you knew you were gay, yet you decided to keep it secret.

    Incredible to believe that someone who posts here as an expert in everything would be ignorant of the most basic fact about himself.
    Even more incredible is the fact that some people (not referencing you individually) have trouble understanding the evolution of the "coming out" experience that the majority of us have faced. Each experience has been different.

    My experience was quite abrupt, as I came out in the early 90's in the sticks where the consequences were dire. I lost jobs, friends, family members, and experienced a lot of physical violence as a result. I'm pretty sure your experiences were different from mine, as were the experiences of most others who've come out.

    Bob (aka A.D.) had his own experiences, which were difference from ours.

    The "coming out" process is something that we all live with for our entire lives, and the process evolves for many people.

    Obviously Bob is still evolving in his "coming out" experience. He may have a couple decades on me in birth years, but I have about a decade on him in being "open" with my orientation. If you'd asked me a decade ago about my sexuality, I woulda told you it's none of your fucking business (with a facial expression that demanded either respect or physical violence, with the expectation of either).

    This is why I respect Bob's evolution in his coming out. I've been there, and understand the process. For the younger crowd it's quite easy. For the older crowd, it's really difficult, cause many of us have lived entire lives based in shame and oppression, leading to a subconscious mindset that we're not really gay until we say we are.

    Just food for thought.

    And I'm pretty sure it's obvious that I don't take the time to type this much to one person unless I feel like they're actually capable of understanding. icon_biggrin.gif
  • venue35

    Posts: 4644

    Sep 05, 2015 7:01 PM GMT
    HottJoe saidFinding someone, falling in love and getting married doesn't have to be as unlikely as winning the lottery, as long as you realize that it's not exactly like it's depicted in love songs and fairy tales. If I were to wax lyrical about my husband, I could focus on whatever drama, passion, or flavor I want to cook with. It's all there, but the key is that there's also a long stretch of time and growing and choosing to overcome obstacles together that you can't just take a shortcut through. It doesn't just poof happen like destiny. I also think it takes a certain personality type. You have to be someone who sticks to things in general, or you'll never get past the million pitfalls and distractions and sense of needing something else. It's like trying to have strong family. You have to be committed to yours and yours alone.

    If you're young and your whole life revolves around the gay scene, then when you meet someone you almost have to retreat from the scene you were in, to some degree. In the first five to seven years, anything can happen. If you don't know where you'll be in seven years as a single person, then you don't know in a relationship, either. It takes such epic time to really know what it's like to grow up, and to love someone you have to significantly grow with them, and you don't want all the jealousy around. It's really not until you've fully emotionally committed for years of growing together and becoming more in love that you reach this golden period where the relationship seems invulnerable to outside forces. Until then, you just have to agree to always make it work, and always understand that trust is everything.

    Forgot the perfect ass, even if you both have it, because trust is sexiest thing in the marriage bed. You feel with your lover this connection that grows into something where it wouldn't matter who else came along, you would always choose your husband, because no one could be bigger or better or know you as well, and breaking the trust just once will taint monogamy forever.

    If that's impossible, then of course there are guys in open relationships who continue to treasure what they have, but I really don't know what that's like. I just know it wouldn't be the same as what I have now in the relationship I'm in, even if it was still with the same person.
    I think this is your best post ever
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    Sep 06, 2015 4:46 AM GMT
    HottJoe saidFinding someone, falling in love and getting married doesn't have to be as unlikely as winning the lottery, as long as you realize that it's not exactly like it's depicted in love songs and fairy tales. If I were to wax lyrical about my husband, I could focus on whatever drama, passion, or flavor I want to cook with. It's all there, but the key is that there's also a long stretch of time and growing and choosing to overcome obstacles together that you can't just take a shortcut through. It doesn't just poof happen like destiny. I also think it takes a certain personality type. You have to be someone who sticks to things in general, or you'll never get past the million pitfalls and distractions and sense of needing something else. It's like trying to have strong family. You have to be committed to yours and yours alone.

    If you're young and your whole life revolves around the gay scene, then when you meet someone you almost have to retreat from the scene you were in, to some degree. In the first five to seven years, anything can happen. If you don't know where you'll be in seven years as a single person, then you don't know in a relationship, either. It takes such epic time to really know what it's like to grow up, and to love someone you have to significantly grow with them, and you don't want all the jealousy around. It's really not until you've fully emotionally committed for years of growing together and becoming more in love that you reach this golden period where the relationship seems invulnerable to outside forces. Until then, you just have to agree to always make it work, and always understand that trust is everything.

    Forgot the perfect ass, even if you both have it, because trust is sexiest thing in the marriage bed. You feel with your lover this connection that grows into something where it wouldn't matter who else came along, you would always choose your husband, because no one could be bigger or better or know you as well, and breaking the trust just once will taint monogamy forever.

    If that's impossible, then of course there are guys in open relationships who continue to treasure what they have, but I really don't know what that's like. I just know it wouldn't be the same as what I have now in the relationship I'm in, even if it was still with the same person.


    Your best post ever!
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    Sep 06, 2015 4:51 AM GMT
    paulflexes said
    southbeach1500 said
    Art_Deco saidYeah, I think age & experience when I came out late made me mostly immune to gayborhood shortcomings.


    You didn't "come out" late. Remember, you simply didn't know you were gay, according to you. "Coming out" would mean that you knew you were gay, yet you decided to keep it secret.

    Incredible to believe that someone who posts here as an expert in everything would be ignorant of the most basic fact about himself.
    Even more incredible is the fact that some people (not referencing you individually) have trouble understanding the evolution of the "coming out" experience that the majority of us have faced. Each experience has been different.

    My experience was quite abrupt, as I came out in the early 90's in the sticks where the consequences were dire. I lost jobs, friends, family members, and experienced a lot of physical violence as a result. I'm pretty sure your experiences were different from mine, as were the experiences of most others who've come out.

    Bob (aka A.D.) had his own experiences, which were difference from ours.

    The "coming out" process is something that we all live with for our entire lives, and the process evolves for many people.

    Obviously Bob is still evolving in his "coming out" experience. He may have a couple decades on me in birth years, but I have about a decade on him in being "open" with my orientation. If you'd asked me a decade ago about my sexuality, I woulda told you it's none of your fucking business (with a facial expression that demanded either respect or physical violence, with the expectation of either).

    This is why I respect Bob's evolution in his coming out. I've been there, and understand the process. For the younger crowd it's quite easy. For the older crowd, it's really difficult, cause many of us have lived entire lives based in shame and oppression, leading to a subconscious mindset that we're not really gay until we say we are.

    Just food for thought.

    And I'm pretty sure it's obvious that I don't take the time to type this much to one person unless I feel like they're actually capable of understanding. icon_biggrin.gif


    "I came out in the early 90's in the sticks where the consequences were dire. I lost jobs, friends, family members, and experienced a lot of physical violence as a result."

    I forget. Did you come out in the south?