What Ever Happened to Dating?

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    Jan 30, 2009 9:11 PM GMT
    I've been officially back in the "dating scene" for about a year and a half now and I've noticed some uncanny patterns.
    I'm not a statistician or anything, this is all just my general perception of what is going on.

    The patterns pertain specifically to the *reason* a person dates and their *desired end result*.

    The main reasons I've come to realize are;
    - Trying to forget about an ex
    - Lonely and just trying to connect
    - Narcissist looking for an admirer
    - Looking to take care of/control someone, due to a feeling of powerlessness over a specific area of one's life
    - Getting to know someone who you feel drawn to

    I know that at some point I've fallen into all of these categories, not all at the same time. I'm striving for the latter of the five.

    The desired end results seem to be;
    - Getting laid
    - Getting married

    Now I have nothing against either end result but what ever happened to "just dating"? What happened to the middle ground of actually getting to know someone and taking it slow?

    The getting laid part I get, I'm not conflicted by that motive at all. But why is there no "in between" where each person maintains their autonomy and individuality for the sake of getting to know one another before they morph into "Bradgelino" in a matter of weeks?

    What ever happened to "dating"?
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    Jan 30, 2009 9:12 PM GMT
    cause da world is totally black and white... see them grays.. there just accidents *nods* shouldn't be there..
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    Jan 30, 2009 9:18 PM GMT
    People are crazy and they don't want to suffer alone, plus society is full of instant gratification junkies.

    Getting together and taking it slow may be something that a functional, normal human being might do. icon_surprised.gif
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    Jan 30, 2009 9:26 PM GMT
    Runninchlt saidPeople are crazy and they don't want to suffer alone, plus society is full of instant gratification junkies.

    Getting together and taking it slow may be something that a functional, normal human being might do. icon_surprised.gif


    Hah!
    I'm functional but I don't know about the normal part!
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    Jan 30, 2009 9:29 PM GMT

    I remain loyal to all my dates. icon_cool.gif
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    Jan 30, 2009 9:36 PM GMT
    ZiMsTeR said
    I remain loyal to all my dates. icon_cool.gif
    I thought you remained cheap to'em but you'd go where ever the food was....

    I don't recall that being loyal... just cheap.. like
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    Jan 30, 2009 9:38 PM GMT
    its kind of wierd but everyone i talk to says the exact same thing that they cant understand why the gay scene is all ... what u said early, but then i think well if all these guys i meet think the same thing, shouldnt that mean that theres alot of guys that just wanna date?

    just thinking aloud
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    Jan 30, 2009 9:41 PM GMT
    its like guys screaming about monogamy... most guys are full of hot air that needs releasing....
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    Jan 30, 2009 9:44 PM GMT
    lilTanker said
    ZiMsTeR said
    I remain loyal to all my dates. icon_cool.gif
    I thought you remained cheap to'em but you'd go where ever the food was....
    I don't recall that being loyal... just cheap.. like


    Okay you lilWanker, I'll complete the sentence:

    I remain loyal to all my dates ...who promise to shoulder my cabfare and buy me KFC post-coital!

    Happy now?!?
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    Jan 30, 2009 10:04 PM GMT
    Trying not to sound like a completely negatively depressed person but I guess the years since 1996 (when i actually met someone, was happy about being gay, had faith that male-male relationships worked because I was living it) have not given me much hope in regards to dating or anything in the gay world. It's so hard just to find someone else who is gay also and on the same wavelength. And that's just the beginning of the hoop-jumping.

    - How many thousands of miles apart are you? This is usually what ends it. Right now, nobody in their right mind is going to pick up and move - nobody has any money to move, and if you have a decent job, you'd be crazy to leave it. Most of us are stuck wherever we are for at least the next 3-5 years depending on our own financial situations.

    - Where is this guy in coming out? If he just came out, he's not looking for someone to spend his life with. He's getting his feet wet. You will be a stepping stone, and someone that he will likely never speak to again after a year or so.

    - Functionally, what end of the spectrum is he on? I've met both extremes: 27-year-olds on Social Security for something as bullshit as ADHD (the whole thing was made up so he wouldn't ever have to get a job) - that drove me crazy that people actually get away with that. Then I met the other extreme, the ultimate overachiever that nobody could ever do better than, and he made you well aware of it. It's hard to find an average red-blooded American guy who works a normal, everyday job and he's cool with that. Especially in the gay world where status and appearance (illusions) trump truth and reality.

    - Here's the real killer - whether gay guys admit this or not. I've had it happen personally, I've read about it on here, and I've seen my friends go through this. The majority of us are not at all compatible sexually. Most of us are looking for that confident, masculine, broad-shouldered, aggressive top guy - like the straight athletes in college and high school that we would have cut our right arms off for. But once you enter the gay community, what you find mostly are a lot of other guys who also are dreaming of meeting someone like that. It doesn't help when you have THIS MUCH in common with other gay guys that sexually, you want the same things, but those same things don't complement a sexual relationship where each guy is content with the other. We are left wondering if everyone really is the same, and after a decade ago don't even bother with the profiles or personals because we've seen enough to know what we're going to find - the same thing in every city.

    A lot of us are confused because we are in search for companionship but let's get real. Straight people our age are having babies, raising families, getting married, having sex, and by the looks of the amount of babies they have, they're having great sex. Contrary to what many believe, a lot of gay men are having nothing - at all - because how can you have great sex or a great relationship where there is little to no sexual compatibility, which leads to not much intimacy, which in time leads to giving up - why torture yourself? But you still wonder - is there someone out there - anywhere?

    You know, when I first came out, this was the last worry on my mind - never finding anyone. And it's not being overly picky. It's not about geography because I've moved enough to see a pattern in many cities. This was just one of those things that I distinctly remember being told about when I first came out (I was 14-15) by older gay men, but I either didn't fully understand at the time or didn't want to hear it. Now I know exactly what they're talking about.
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    Jan 30, 2009 10:36 PM GMT
    It's not that there is a short supply of people who believe in dating. I think it's just the simple fact that they are spread out over the country(s). Gay dating is hard and some just don't want to work at it while others think they want/need a relationship though they haven't realized they don't actually want it. Just another way of society tricking us into what we think we should do.

    First you have to actually meet the guy and hope he's single. Then you have to get along with him. If that wasn't hard enough then you have to be sexually compatible. Then you have to 'get along' with their friends, pets, etc... Not to mention all the baggage from past relationships.

    I find the approach that works best is just go with it and don't analyze it. There are no perfect scenario's.
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    Jan 30, 2009 10:36 PM GMT
    i wait for sex, it builds a better relationship, and by sex i mean penetration, i do all the rest though.
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    Jan 30, 2009 10:37 PM GMT
    England89 saidi wait for sex, it builds a better relationship, and by sex i mean penetration, i do all the rest though.


    ditto for me, if i go to fast, i know its doomed. the guy can be perfect, but if we have sex quickly the mystery is gone and i get bored...
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    Jan 30, 2009 10:40 PM GMT
    DATE????? I get my ass handed to me if I imply that two guys meeting at the same place at the same time is a D A T E.
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    Jan 30, 2009 11:09 PM GMT
    Indeed - I miss dating. I try to explain to people when I meet them that I am at the dating stage. They all think that means exclusively dating them, which I don't. Sadly, they get frustrated and I have to start fending off their nesting impulse with sticks.
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    Jan 30, 2009 11:14 PM GMT



    Let's seee....about 15 of you so far. So, how many live within reasonable distance of each other?

    Why not orchestrate a date with..... each ...other.....? (just seems logical)
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    Jan 30, 2009 11:21 PM GMT
    What the hell is a date?
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    Jan 30, 2009 11:23 PM GMT



    Your Mom puts them in loaves with nuts and serves 'em up at Bridge games...
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    Jan 30, 2009 11:26 PM GMT
    ooooooooohhhhh
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    Jan 31, 2009 12:25 AM GMT
    DuluthMN said It's so hard just to find someone else who is gay also and on the same wavelength. And that's just the beginning of the hoop-jumping.
    - How many thousands of miles apart are you?
    - Where is this guy in coming out?
    - Functionally, what end of the spectrum is he on?
    - The majority of us are not at all compatible sexually.


    These are valid points to raise but you are getting a false picture of gay life by focusing on them to the exclusion of all else. The profiles on this site include lots of guys in successful relationships. Living in a large city helps because there are more fish in the pond and you have better odds of landing a compatible one. But wherever you are, attitude is key. Enjoy meeting new guys, respect what they have to offer, and they will reciprocate. Don't make every date into an LTR audition, just savor the moment. Dating does have some entertainment value and eventually when you are in a LTR you will miss this aspect of it.

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    Jan 31, 2009 1:11 AM GMT
    DuluthMN said But wherever you are, attitude is key. Enjoy meeting new guys, respect what they have to offer, and they will reciprocate. Don't make every date into an LTR audition, just savor the moment. Dating does have some entertainment value and eventually when you are in a LTR you will miss this aspect of it.



    A truer thing hasn't been said... I needed to hear that...
    "Thanks!"
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    Jan 31, 2009 1:32 AM GMT
    meninlove said


    Let's seee....about 15 of you so far. So, how many live within reasonable distance of each other?

    Why not orchestrate a date with..... each ...other.....? (just seems logical)


    Indeed! I wouldn't mind.