2.5 years later...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 30, 2009 9:45 PM GMT
    many of you know from my postings that i'm pretty, uh... well... jaded about mushy love threads. but today i had a revelation: the last bf (the one whom i've been so mad at all this time) contacted me randomly last night...

    "do you still hate me?"
    "yes, i still hate you."
    "why?"
    "how can you be so mean to me?!"
    "how long are you going to live in a past that i can't remember?"

    so, if i was expecting a heart-felt "i'm sorry," well... that's not in the cards. whether it's a convenient excuse for him to blame his brain injuries or not, this is the best i will ever get for closure. it will have to do.

    so, now that i've let go of him (which isn't relieving yet, since hating him was such a comfortable habit), i have to stop blaming him for everything i don't like about me. i have to put the responsibility right here on my own shoulders. kinda sucks. but i'm glad, nonetheless (i think).

    so...

    how long did it take you to get past your last ltr, and what (if there was one) was the defining moment that finally told you to move on?
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    Jan 30, 2009 9:50 PM GMT
    jack, who was this among your exes? the one you lived with as a student?

    anyway, it took me around 9 months to get over a failed 2-year old relationship. it costed me my first RJ comeback as well, if you recall. bloody South Africans! icon_lol.gif
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    Jan 30, 2009 9:52 PM GMT
    so are you gonna be happy DJ now ?? or did I just so totally put my self out there for you to totally murder.....
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    Jan 30, 2009 10:00 PM GMT
    er would a 6-year hidden infatuation count? icon_redface.gif
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    Jan 30, 2009 10:08 PM GMT
    being totally serious.. it has yet to come..
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jan 30, 2009 11:13 PM GMT
    It depends ...

    on the length and the dynamics of why you broke up in the first place

    If you guys kind of looked around and said... Ya know this kinda isn't workin'. I think we should spend some time apart
    I don't think there would be so much animosity toward each other
    But...
    If there was some infidelity..... betrayal .... or drugs and/or alcohol were involved?
    Then who knows if you guys will ever come to any sort of consensus
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    Jan 30, 2009 11:53 PM GMT
    lilTanker saidso are you gonna be happy DJ now ?? or did I just so totally put my self out there for you to totally murder.....



    i've been happy in general for quite some time, but i've been very bitter about relationships, because of the degree to which this one catastrophically failed (as well as the one before it). i've learned to be happy with my own company.

    now that i've decided to move on from scott (zimmy, scott is the one who cheated on me with 30 people, defrauded me for $20k, and tried to have me arrested for bad checks that HE wrote) what i'm going to do is allow (but not actively search for) potential boyfriends/lovers to come into my life. if the universe puts someone in my path i won't purposefully sidestep him. i still have my walls up, yes, but there's a drawbridge across the moat right now.
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    Jan 31, 2009 12:04 AM GMT
    Jack

    It isn't over because you decide it is. Neither should you await with urgency the day it will symbolically end, unless you can honestly answer you squeezed it for every bit of insight that you can obtain.

    Then you just wake up one day and don't really remember it at all.

    The self help world wants us to believe that we are responsible for our own behavior (ok) and by extension responsible for that behavior of ours which puts is in range of the bad behavior of others.

    Seems to me that people indulging in larceny and other shenanigans has little to do with me. Yeah, I am attracted to a certain type of guy but they aren't usually criminals.

    The search for insight is not a direct equation, in my opinion, to the search for "my role in what happened to me". That is just twelve-step caca.

    I have had these online encounters with people who have perpetrated crimes against me. They are shocking and brazen. I am left with the sensation that these guys are waiting for ME to apologize.

    Fall in love again, we are not all shits.

    Dr. Heywood R. Floyd
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    Jan 31, 2009 12:06 AM GMT
    Heywood_Floyd saidJack

    It isn't over because you decide it is. Neither should you await with urgency the day it will symbolically end, unless you can honestly answer you squeezed it for every bit of insight that you can obtain.

    Then you just wake up one day and don't really remember it at all.

    The self help world wants us to believe that we are responsible for our own behavior (ok) and by extension responsible for that behavior of ours which puts is in range of the bad behavior of others.

    Seems to me that people indulging in larceny and other shenanigans has little to do with me. Yeah, I am attracted to a certain type of guy but they aren't usually criminals.

    The search for insight is not a direct equation, in my opinion, to the search for "my role in what happened to me". That is just twelve-step caca.

    I have had these online encounters with people who have perpetrated crimes against me. They are shocking and brazen. I am left with the sensation that these guys are waiting for ME to apologize.

    Fall in love again, we are not all shits.

    T


    you, sir, are WELCOME here at realjock... how's THAT for a first posting?!
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    Jan 31, 2009 12:26 AM GMT
    dancerjack saidi've been happy in general for quite some time, but i've been very bitter about relationships, because of the degree to which this one catastrophically failed (as well as the one before it). i've learned to be happy with my own company.

    now that i've decided to move on from scott what i'm going to do is allow (but not actively search for) potential boyfriends/lovers to come into my life. if the universe puts someone in my path i won't purposefully sidestep him. i still have my walls up, yes, but there's a drawbridge across the moat right now.
    I'd give you a great big massive bear hug right now... if I could, so, you'll just have to settled for a net one *Cuddles* icon_biggrin.gif

    I know the first serious relationship I had was one that came out of no where, it was unplanned, unthought of and totally unexpected, it happened as suddenly and as randomly as a blink of an eye...

    I think it more important we are open to the potential to happen then anything else.. but now I'm just attempting to be profound and I fail at that like its no bodies business hahaha

    Its good to hear though!
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    Jan 31, 2009 3:18 AM GMT
    Dancerjack you had the misfortune to run into a borderline sociopath (well maybe not borderline). I don't blame you for being bitter. You may forgive him, but your body or mind won't forget him, the pain just may go underground for awhile. Just as long as you are aware of what impact he has had on you it will help when you start dating again.
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    Jan 31, 2009 3:24 AM GMT
    Marcus Aurelius said that one should only dwell on something from the past for as long as you were in that something - he applied it to relationships, friendships, labor... etc.

    My mom says only half the time you were in it.

    This was our phone conversation last week...

    Me - So and So is pregnant.
    Mom - I thought that she was still upset over her divorce.
    Me - That was almost three years ago, right before Ex and I split.
    Mom - How long were you with him.
    Me - Almost six years.
    Mom - Good, you are almost over it.
    Me - Thanks mom!?!icon_confused.gif


    I still have angry, hateful days. But, for the most part I feel good about not being together. It has been just over two years since we split.
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    Jan 31, 2009 3:25 AM GMT
    Proof and validation of the depth and breadth of your heart's capabilities!

    *stands quietly admiring dancerjack*

    Now git out there with that potent and powerful love and bestow it on one worthy....icon_wink.gif
  • gumbosolo

    Posts: 382

    Jan 31, 2009 3:41 AM GMT
    Given the fact that I'm four months into my first relationship, my insight may not be worth much. But it sounds like you were royally betrayed and manipulated it's remarkable that you're back in one piece as soon as you are, storytelling scars and all. And amnesia thrown in, with all the "Was it real?" questions that would bring along? Yeah, man, it's pretty inspiring that you can already give someone else a chance. This is one of those stories I'll remember ten years from now when I'm suffering a terrible breakup, and I'll take a breath and get back to it.
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    Jan 31, 2009 4:13 AM GMT
    Jack - you are amazing,

    This is an astounding admission. Not of guilt or flaw, but of humanity. Having been through relatable circumstances, you find that life experience gives us the ability to remain naive, become relentlessly cynical, or strike the difficult but necessary balance between the two. This is where you find yourself. Maintain that balance and you shall be happy.

    Having been burned twice, I understand. The first time nearly destroyed me. The cynicism I developed help me protect myself from the second time from being so bad.

    The only difficulty I've noticed is when people expect you to be acting as if it never happened in the sense that you will not full open up to someone without a very long period of time going by. It is not your concern if you rightly protect yourself. You have never come across as bitter to me. But then, it's because I can relate to it and see the man 'behind the wall.'

    You are on a good path and you are a fine man who's actions are worthy to model.
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    Jan 31, 2009 5:06 AM GMT
    I've had 6 people, 3 family and 3 friends, die in the last six weeks. I just started to realize how selfish I was - holding onto my hopes and feelings that things would change. My anger and all the unanswered questions just weren't worth the trouble anymore. 5 of the deaths weren't that hard. Death has been a normal part of life for me. But, my aunt died on Sunday. She was a very special woman. Over 1000 people attended her funeral, and it took 3 days for my mother to get through the over 350 flower arrangements and other deliveries sent. That aught to tell you just how special she was. She had just been diagnosed with Cancer in November. It happened fast and was very painful for her. While death is normal for me, this was just too much. To think of how her children must feel, the emotions I was holding on to just seemed ridiculous. Not to mention, I deserve better than the way I was treated.

    So, now that I dealt with those issues, I just got a new boyfriend that so far is a real angel. Once I was ready to move on, I found someone really special...go figure. icon_smile.gif
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    Jan 31, 2009 7:01 AM GMT
    "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us". This has become my mantra.....Ironically it is a very selfish mantra.

    Read Echkhard Tolle's "A New Earth" to see why it is so addictive not to forgive.
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    Jan 31, 2009 7:52 AM GMT
    Jack,
    I am glad to see you decide to let go and move on. I understand the comfort part of the anger. It is like a security blanket.

    Randy was the great love of my life. We were together for 5 years. Moved in together after a date that lasted 3 days. He had a lot of baggage but we worked through it. When it ended, and now, for the life of me, I cant remember what was the final straw, it felt like I was dying, really physically ill. I really didnt function for 2 years, we had come so ingrained in each other's lives, families, work, friends, etc. I learned so much about how relationships should work, how they shouldn't work, the amount of work that needs to be done and that a relationship is more than just loving someone. It took me 2 years to get over the relationship, but another 5 years to get over him. Every guy after him had to measure up to him. I didnt even realize I was doing it until per chance a guy I went out with for awhile had dated Randy a year or so before meeting me and actually suggested that I was looking for another Randy. Finally, I picked up my life and moved on, but one thing I know for sure (about me and about him), I will always have love for him and the guy that finally gets me will have that relationship to thank. I dont think I would be the guy I am today had I not gone through the things I did with him. That was about 20 years ago when I 'woke up'. No one should have to go through that, but like they say, the heart wants what it wants and anger is a very powerful sedative.
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    Jan 31, 2009 7:59 AM GMT
    Don't they say it takes half the time you dated to get over that person?
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    Jan 31, 2009 8:34 AM GMT
    dancerjack said

    so, now that i've let go of him (which isn't relieving yet, since hating him was such a comfortable habit), i have to stop blaming him for everything i don't like about me. i have to put the responsibility right here on my own shoulders. kinda sucks. but i'm glad, nonetheless (i think).

    so...

    how long did it take you to get past your last ltr, and what (if there was one) was the defining moment that finally told you to move on?


    The question isn't so important as the answer you provided right above it.
  • UncleverName

    Posts: 741

    Jan 31, 2009 8:43 AM GMT
    Alpha13 said"Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us". This has become my mantra.....Ironically it is a very selfish mantra.

    Read Echkhard Tolle's "A New Earth" to see why it is so addictive not to forgive.


    I still haven't read "A New Earth" mainly because I'm not ready to give up my ego. Having said that, I still have to agree with this.

    I believe that the trick to leaving our baggage behind is to forgive those that have hurt us so badly. I think that's the simple truth; doesn't make it easy, but it's not complicated at least.

    The thing that has helped me figure out how to forgive people is to realize that:

    1) I wouldn't be the same person that I am without having had those experiences, and I like who I am today most of the time.
    2) I'm not really forgiving them for their sake; I'm doing it so that I can move on.

    I had a really nasty year with two of my best friends years ago. Nothing to compare with what a lot of you have mentioned going through, but it was big for me, at the time. We had been friends for 10 - 15 years, and after that, I didn't talk to either of them for 5 years. I couldn't get over how hurt I was by what they had done.

    After 5 years, I realized that it wasn't doing me any good to hold onto that, and that until I forgave them, I wouldn't be able to move on. To be honest, I think it just took me 5 years to figure all of that out and accept it. But at that point, it became easier to forgive them. I'm good friends with one of them again.

    I'm not going to repeat the mistakes I made with him last time around, but I don't feel upset about all of that stuff anymore. It's all just something that happened in the past, and helped make me who I am today. Because of that experience, I was able to meet my partner. I know that if I hadn't had that shitty year, and hadn't stopped being friends with those guys, I wouldn't have had the courage to get out there and meet someone.

    I guess what I'm saying is that we need to figure out how to forgive to move on, and sometimes that just takes a lot of time.
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    Jan 31, 2009 10:01 AM GMT
    Alpha13 saidRead Echkhard Tolle's "A New Earth" to see why it is so addictive not to forgive.


    Uh-oh, I need to rush reading "The Power of Now" now that "A New Earth" intrigues me now! It's just too big a comprehension requirement for me to digest each page of the latter. Wish me luck! icon_cool.gif
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jan 31, 2009 10:17 AM GMT
    Jack,

    Very good thread.. I'm glad to hear you say some of this. Very adult.
    As far as my last male LTR, there hasn't been any. I've only had one.
    As far as unsuccessful female relationships, yeah, they can carry on a little bit. But the largest issue was when I was dating one of them, I'd rather have gone to bed with my girlfriend's brother......
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    Jan 31, 2009 10:26 AM GMT
    whatever did this guy do to you?


    i was terrified splitting up with my last bf. i felt sick at the prospect but i knew i had to do it. the tipping point came and made it a lot easier. i felt dejected but also relieved. didn't go out much for the next 6 months.

    18 months later we're good friends. he still finds it hard sometimes, wants to have 'break up sex' icon_lol.gif (haven't ......so far!)


    loving being single now. icon_wink.gif
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    Jan 31, 2009 10:48 AM GMT