Question For Guys Who Use To Be Married...

  • NyRuinz

    Posts: 887

    Aug 31, 2015 2:57 AM GMT
    Did you act like a complete and utter douche to guys you were attracted to, in order to hide the fact that you were gay. I recently found out a former co-worker of mine came out as gay. The funny thing is he was a fashion buyer, yet he was very standoffish towards one of the openly gay men in the office. Now that I'm looking back on it, he probably was attracted to him. Did any of you behave like this when you were married?
  • NyRuinz

    Posts: 887

    Aug 31, 2015 3:01 AM GMT
    Balmung saidWere you married before?


    Not at all, and when I worked with this guy I was in the closet.
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    Aug 31, 2015 1:34 PM GMT
    I don't understand what married has to do with it. In your scenario, who was married?

    Also, a male fashion buyer had to come out as gay?! I think everyone probably suspected.
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    Aug 31, 2015 2:07 PM GMT
    UndercoverMan said
    Also, a male fashion buyer had to come out as gay?! I think everyone probably suspected.

    Haha true
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    Aug 31, 2015 2:41 PM GMT
    UndercoverMan saidI don't understand what married has to do with it. In your scenario, who was married?

    Also, a male fashion buyer had to come out as gay?! I think everyone probably suspected.

    Yes, I don't think that being married was necessarily the causative. More likely it would be this guy's attempt at keeping the closet door shut, married or not. Being seen to be too friendly with the office gay guy might make him "guilty" by association.

    It's often the people trying to hide something who overcompensate in the other direction. Hence some of our most outspoken public homophobes later turn out to be gay themselves. Not that this particular guy was a homophobe, just trying to protect his reputation as he imagined it.
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    Aug 31, 2015 2:59 PM GMT
    UndercoverMan saidI don't understand what married has to do with it. In your scenario, who was married?

    Also, a male fashion buyer had to come out as gay?! I think everyone probably suspected.


    I get forget from your post that you have very little connection to the gay world. Married has been code for closeted and discreet for a long time. Here in Houston dudes use it as a way to impress you so you will be more likely to sleep with them. He's asking if guys who use to be very deep in the closet with a lot to loose treated guys they were romantically interested poorly as a way to hide there feelings or out of frustration.
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    Aug 31, 2015 3:02 PM GMT
    NyRuinz saidDid you act like a complete and utter douche to guys you were attracted to, in order to hide the fact that you were gay. I recently found out a former co-worker of mine came out as gay. The funny thing is he was a fashion buyer, yet he was very standoffish towards one of the openly gay men in the office. Now that I'm looking back on it, he probably was attracted to him. Did any of you behave like this when you were married?


    "The funny thing is he was a fashion buyer"

    And he has to come out as gay? The true 'coming out' would be if he was straight.
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    Aug 31, 2015 3:34 PM GMT
    I was married 22 years...
    I always was upfront with the women i was dating in the fact i was bisexual , but i promised them monogamy during our relationship .
    My wife knew , i kept my promise until a month after our divorce .
    I was never standoffish to the blokes who were interested in me , because i would tell them : " i would be interested to spend some time with you , but i am married and made a promise to my wife "
    90% respected me for my honesty , 10% thought i was turning them down and acted as galahs ...
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    Aug 31, 2015 3:36 PM GMT
    NyRuinz saidDid you act like a complete and utter douche to guys you were attracted to, in order to hide the fact that you were gay. I recently found out a former co-worker of mine came out as gay. The funny thing is he was a fashion buyer, yet he was very standoffish towards one of the openly gay men in the office. Now that I'm looking back on it, he probably was attracted to him. Did any of you behave like this when you were married?

    yes and yes so absolutely true
  • BuggEyedSprit...

    Posts: 920

    Aug 31, 2015 3:47 PM GMT
    NOPE.
  • NyRuinz

    Posts: 887

    Aug 31, 2015 9:51 PM GMT
    MrFuscle said
    UndercoverMan saidI don't understand what married has to do with it. In your scenario, who was married?

    Also, a male fashion buyer had to come out as gay?! I think everyone probably suspected.


    I get forget from your post that you have very little connection to the gay world. Married has been code for closeted and discreet for a long time. Here in Houston dudes use it as a way to impress you so you will be more likely to sleep with them. He's asking if guys who use to be very deep in the closet with a lot to loose treated guys they were romantically interested poorly as a way to hide there feelings or out of frustration.


    Thank You!

    images%2Farticle%2F2014%2F03%2F03%2Fku-x
  • NyRuinz

    Posts: 887

    Aug 31, 2015 10:01 PM GMT
    Art_Deco said
    UndercoverMan saidI don't understand what married has to do with it. In your scenario, who was married?

    Also, a male fashion buyer had to come out as gay?! I think everyone probably suspected.

    Yes, I don't think that being married was necessarily the causative. More likely it would be this guy's attempt at keeping the closet door shut, married or not. Being seen to be too friendly with the office gay guy might make him "guilty" by association.

    It's often the people trying to hide something who overcompensate in the other direction. Hence some of our most outspoken public homophobes later turn out to be gay themselves. Not that this particular guy was a homophobe, just trying to protect his reputation as he imagined it.


    Yeah even though he was a buyer, I assumed he was straight because he had a wife and was heavenly in to sports. I just thought all the attitude he was exhibiting was a bit much. I remember he brought his wife to a company event and I saw her checking out other men, so maybe she knew. The funny thing is this man's ass cheeks looked like two globes in his slacks, hopefully that ass is not going to waste.
  • FRE0

    Posts: 4865

    Sep 01, 2015 2:32 AM GMT
    NyRuinz saidDid you act like a complete and utter douche to guys you were attracted to, in order to hide the fact that you were gay. I recently found out a former co-worker of mine came out as gay. The funny thing is he was a fashion buyer, yet he was very standoffish towards one of the openly gay men in the office. Now that I'm looking back on it, he probably was attracted to him. Did any of you behave like this when you were married?


    I've never been married, but once I very carefully maintained a distance from a non-gay coworker whom I found attractive.
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    Sep 01, 2015 3:52 AM GMT
    MrFuscle said
    UndercoverMan saidI don't understand what married has to do with it. In your scenario, who was married?

    Also, a male fashion buyer had to come out as gay?! I think everyone probably suspected.


    I get forget from your post that you have very little connection to the gay world. Married has been code for closeted and discreet for a long time. Here in Houston dudes use it as a way to impress you so you will be more likely to sleep with them. He's asking if guys who use to be very deep in the closet with a lot to loose treated guys they were romantically interested poorly as a way to hide there feelings or out of frustration.


    Not according to this:

    Balmung said
    Were you married before?

    NyRuinz said
    Not at all, and when I worked with this guy I was in the closet.

    If married is a euphemism for closeted, why did he say he wasn't married yet admits to being closeted?
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    Sep 01, 2015 5:00 AM GMT
    NyRuinz said
    MrFuscle said
    UndercoverMan saidI don't understand what married has to do with it. In your scenario, who was married?

    Also, a male fashion buyer had to come out as gay?! I think everyone probably suspected.


    I get forget from your post that you have very little connection to the gay world. Married has been code for closeted and discreet for a long time. Here in Houston dudes use it as a way to impress you so you will be more likely to sleep with them. He's asking if guys who use to be very deep in the closet with a lot to loose treated guys they were romantically interested poorly as a way to hide there feelings or out of frustration.


    Thank You!

    images%2Farticle%2F2014%2F03%2F03%2Fku-x


    Then why was that so hard to say in the first place?icon_rolleyes.gif

    I was really married and no I never treated anyone poorly to hide my feelings. I was 100% committed to my marriage.
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    Sep 01, 2015 5:04 AM GMT
    MrFuscle said
    UndercoverMan saidI don't understand what married has to do with it. In your scenario, who was married?

    Also, a male fashion buyer had to come out as gay?! I think everyone probably suspected.


    I get forget from your post that you have very little connection to the gay world. Married has been code for closeted and discreet for a long time. Here in Houston dudes use it as a way to impress you so you will be more likely to sleep with them. He's asking if guys who use to be very deep in the closet with a lot to loose treated guys they were romantically interested poorly as a way to hide there feelings or out of frustration.


    That was no code. From what he further explains is that the buyer actually had a wife. That's not code. Is he saying the wife wasn't really a wife but a beard?
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    Sep 01, 2015 6:31 AM GMT
    NyRuinz saidDid you act like a complete and utter douche to guys you were attracted to, in order to hide the fact that you were gay. I recently found out a former co-worker of mine came out as gay. The funny thing is he was a fashion buyer, yet he was very standoffish towards one of the openly gay men in the office. Now that I'm looking back on it, he probably was attracted to him. Did any of you behave like this when you were married?
    This is where we can bring on the traditional hetero-normative behaviors and actually equate them to hetero-not behaviors of closeted gay men.

    Your former coworker was behaving just as any hetero guy would when he's attracted to a female coworker and doesn't want the entire company to know.
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    Sep 01, 2015 6:37 AM GMT
    NyRuinz said
    Art_Deco said
    UndercoverMan saidI don't understand what married has to do with it. In your scenario, who was married?

    Also, a male fashion buyer had to come out as gay?! I think everyone probably suspected.

    Yes, I don't think that being married was necessarily the causative. More likely it would be this guy's attempt at keeping the closet door shut, married or not. Being seen to be too friendly with the office gay guy might make him "guilty" by association.

    It's often the people trying to hide something who overcompensate in the other direction. Hence some of our most outspoken public homophobes later turn out to be gay themselves. Not that this particular guy was a homophobe, just trying to protect his reputation as he imagined it.


    Yeah even though he was a buyer, I assumed he was straight because he had a wife and was heavenly in to sports.
    Every single guy in this video knows I'm gay, and I ride just as hard as they do (but I'm not nearly as good at it). Just sayin'...
  • bobbobbob

    Posts: 2812

    Sep 01, 2015 7:03 AM GMT


    NyRuinz saidDid you act like a complete and utter douche to guys you were attracted to, in order to hide the fact that you were gay. I recently found out a former co-worker of mine came out as gay. The funny thing is he was a fashion buyer, yet he was very standoffish towards one of the openly gay men in the office. Now that I'm looking back on it, he probably was attracted to him. Did any of you behave like this when you were married?


    I'm not being critical. But I think you're taking a pretty simplified view of a complex issue in how people interact. I was married 46 years ago when there was no such thing as "gay identity or community" that existed except as what 99% of the people in the US knew about only through crime reports in newspapers. It's hard to find a gay man my age who wasn't married when he was young or suffered police harassment and possibly time in jail for being a pervert.

    I supposed back then I was in the closet but I didn't know what 'in the closet' meant. I only thought I was doing a good job of fighting off homosexual urges... like loads of men back then did. It was over six more years before I met men who weren't like me, who were "out and conspicuous." It never occurred to me to be standoffish to them. I do remember closeted men who went out of their way to avoid associating with openly gay men.

    Today in 2015 there's this twist you're talking about that you're talking about; closet cases who really are beyond standoffish but downright nasty to openly gay men. YES!!!!! It is very real and something I've run into more in the past 10 years than the previous 56. I think it has to do with gays becoming my conspicuous which makes them more easily perceived as threats to those in their closets.