Inexperienced With Intimacy

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    Sep 03, 2015 1:33 AM GMT
    I’ve done some thinking lately; I’ve made several friends throughout the years, and though I genuinely appreciate the companions I’ve acquired overtime, none of the relationships I had have gone beyond platonic terms. I’m perfectly fine with this, but knowing others have succeeded in forming intimate bonds with other peole made me realize that I never really experienced intimacy before, let alone something deep. I never shared a night of bliss with someone, let alone have a deep, romantic experience with someone, and though one could say I’ve had my bouts with heartbreak, those were during foolish bouts with unrequited love where I didn’t have to remain in that position, but my idiocy left me immobile.

    This isn’t a rant about being single or a virgin, but just me wondering if it’s going to be remain this way. Am I just not meant to be like everyone, with no tales of sex, love, and heartbreak to tell? It’s not even me wanting to be as experienced as everyone else - is it even healthy to live the majority of your life as an adult without these things, and be universally undesirable? Is there something wrong with me? I feel as an adult, being a late bloomer is a clear indication that something's awry, even if I've never really met any guys in my life. Is it my appearance that makes me unapproachable and standoffish (which I've been told before, though oddly enough at the same time, I like my natural aloofness)? I know confidence and self-love are what attracts people, but how can others pick that up? Even though sex and dating aren't everything, I'd like to gain more social experience. I don't know if it's a need to get laid as another friend advised, or I'm just bored and lonely, but overall, it's an issue that has really been bothering me, lately.
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    Sep 03, 2015 9:39 AM GMT
    patience; good or bad one usually gets what he want
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Sep 03, 2015 3:07 PM GMT
    You're cute! I would recommend putting yourself out there more and flirting with guys you like. I would also recommend a wardrobe change and/or going shirtless, just to turn a few more heads. Shallow as it may sound, you have to choose the right bait when you go fishing.
  • tobyb

    Posts: 111

    Sep 04, 2015 12:44 PM GMT
    Intimacy comes over time with someone, but it requires some bravery and a willingness to expose your emotions to others. I'm sure you will find it, nearly everyone does, but getting to the destination requires starting in the journey. So talk to people, approach people and be friendly, whether it's at the gym, the supermarket or a gay bar. Not everyone wants to talk, or be your friend, but the only way to find out is to talk to them. Once you find someone who reciprocates, don't be afraid to try being open and straightforward with them. Intimacy requires that, and it's not easy. You can not know for sure whether another person is sincere, or even truly honest. But you sound honest and sincere yourself, so that will help enormously. Good luck!
  • Amira

    Posts: 327

    Sep 04, 2015 1:04 PM GMT
    You could view this all from a different perspective. I think it's easy to feel out of place if we allow ourselves to believe life is full of milestones that we must cross at certain times in our life. Intimacy goes further than just being a combination of words we think it should be. Instead it is an experience that is real and thus ultimately: human in itself. In other words, it will find you just as any other experience we go through in life.
  • FitBlackCuddl...

    Posts: 802

    Sep 05, 2015 7:14 PM GMT
    "Inexperienced With Intimacy"

    Intimacy to me has NOTHING to do with sex/getting laid. It begins with a desire then the process of emotionally bonding, a mutual (pleasurable) desire to learn about another person so that interplay develops. You come to mutually recognize and then to anticipate behavioral patterns and nuances. You come to communicate with glances, body-language and silences. You WANT to "watch his back" and get great validating pleasure in seeing that he is watching yours.

    Sexual expression is greater because there is no pressure. It is not about the sex antics or performance, it is more a manifestation of the enjoyment of each other's presence and company.

    Two or more people create an emotional, psychical haven for each other.
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    Sep 06, 2015 5:55 PM GMT
    Thank you everyone for your input.

    HottJoe saidYou're cute! I would recommend putting yourself out there more and flirting with guys you like. I would also recommend a wardrobe change and/or going shirtless, just to turn a few more heads. Shallow as it may sound, you have to choose the right bait when you go fishing.


    I've been told to adorn form-fitting clothes or forego a shirt, but I'm not sure how that would attract others in particular. I'm not entirely ripped or anything, but thank you again.
  • FitBlackCuddl...

    Posts: 802

    Sep 09, 2015 9:08 PM GMT
    Junny saidI've been told to adorn form-fitting clothes or forego a shirt, but I'm not sure how that would attract others in particular. I'm not entirely ripped or anything, but thank you again.


    Doing this just evokes more body-lust. No one is looking at YOU, nor are they moved to.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Sep 09, 2015 9:15 PM GMT
    Intimacy involves vulnerability. It sounds like you're so afraid of people that you're keeping them at arm's distance. Your friend is right. Stop acting like a scared mouse and just go get laid. Once you do, you'll find that everyone else is just like you and there never was a reason to be so scared. You're pulling back from relationships because you're afraid of the sex. This is something you have to do for yourself. But ya gotta have the balls to do it.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Sep 09, 2015 10:01 PM GMT
    Junny saidThank you everyone for your input.

    HottJoe saidYou're cute! I would recommend putting yourself out there more and flirting with guys you like. I would also recommend a wardrobe change and/or going shirtless, just to turn a few more heads. Shallow as it may sound, you have to choose the right bait when you go fishing.


    I've been told to adorn form-fitting clothes or forego a shirt, but I'm not sure how that would attract others in particular. I'm not entirely ripped or anything, but thank you again.

    This may sound strange, but you would be doing it for yourself, though it could also attract others. Personally, I'd recommend getting ripped and putting yourself out there. Some others may think you're not being yourself, or trying to be something you're not. But I would disagree on that point. It's your body, so anything you do, whether it's working out or eating pizza, you're doing it for yourself.... I'm "ripped" because I choose to be. I workout a lot and eat health food. A former prolific RJer used to say male beauty is made, and it's so true, especially when you realize how fast it can be unmade.
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    Sep 12, 2015 7:57 PM GMT
    Destinharbor saidIntimacy involves vulnerability. It sounds like you're so afraid of people that you're keeping them at arm's distance. Your friend is right. Stop acting like a scared mouse and just go get laid. Once you do, you'll find that everyone else is just like you and there never was a reason to be so scared. You're pulling back from relationships because you're afraid of the sex. This is something you have to do for yourself. But ya gotta have the balls to do it.


    Gotta find someone who likes me enough, or something to advertise, but you're not wrong.
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    Sep 14, 2015 12:02 PM GMT
    Interesting. My situation was and is somewhat similar except I have an issue emotionally connecting with people, platonic and dating wise. It's not even something I do on purpose but just my personality.

    As far as whether it's healthy is up for debate. I think it largely depends on where you get fulfillment in life. Some people get it from relationships, other people get it from a purpose, or something else. You may get into dating and everything will change or maybe it won't be everything you thought it would be and you'd still feel the same you do now.

    Best way to find out is to put yourself out there and see how you feel overall.
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    Sep 14, 2015 9:16 PM GMT
    tmac saidInteresting. My situation was and is somewhat similar except I have an issue emotionally connecting with people, platonic and dating wise. It's not even something I do on purpose but just my personality.


    I am curious to hear about what your partner has to say about it.
    I was dating a guy for a while who had similar issues. He is a great guy, but he could never match up to my emotional need. I even understood that, and thought I will be ok. I really tried because I was way too much into the guy, but I just felt frustrated. I still am not fully over him.
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    Sep 14, 2015 9:49 PM GMT
    In order to put myself out there, wouldn't I need something to advertise? Others are cultured, smart, talented, or just overall physically attractive. I feel I need to build myself up or mold into something decent in order before throwing myself into the dating pool, because I'll need more than self-confidence.
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    Sep 14, 2015 10:50 PM GMT
    __morphic__ said
    tmac saidInteresting. My situation was and is somewhat similar except I have an issue emotionally connecting with people, platonic and dating wise. It's not even something I do on purpose but just my personality.


    I am curious to hear about what your partner has to say about it.
    I was dating a guy for a while who had similar issues. He is a great guy, but he could never match up to my emotional need. I even understood that, and thought I will be ok. I really tried because I was way too much into the guy, but I just felt frustrated. I still am not fully over him.


    "Hate" wouldn't be a strong enough word to describe his frustrations lol. We're pretty tough people to deal with so I apologize for your issues with your ex. On the bright side, we're pretty low maintenance icon_wink.gif

    On a serious note, We've been together for a little over three years. We're on the high end of our roller coaster for now. Maybe we'll keep going higher or there might be a sharp descent incoming lol

    Guys like your ex and I work best with a subtle approach. Give us a judgment free zone and we'll close the distance on our own. It's amazing what some of my friends can tease out of me without even trying.
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    Sep 16, 2015 6:02 PM GMT
    tmac said
    __morphic__ said
    tmac saidInteresting. My situation was and is somewhat similar except I have an issue emotionally connecting with people, platonic and dating wise. It's not even something I do on purpose but just my personality.


    I am curious to hear about what your partner has to say about it.
    I was dating a guy for a while who had similar issues. He is a great guy, but he could never match up to my emotional need. I even understood that, and thought I will be ok. I really tried because I was way too much into the guy, but I just felt frustrated. I still am not fully over him.


    "Hate" wouldn't be a strong enough word to describe his frustrations lol. We're pretty tough people to deal with so I apologize for your issues with your ex. On the bright side, we're pretty low maintenance icon_wink.gif

    On a serious note, We've been together for a little over three years. We're on the high end of our roller coaster for now. Maybe we'll keep going higher or there might be a sharp descent incoming lol

    Guys like your ex and I work best with a subtle approach. Give us a judgment free zone and we'll close the distance on our own. It's amazing what some of my friends can tease out of me without even trying.

    I admire your boyfriend then. I couldn't do it, as it was just affecting me too much, which made me think that there is something wrong with me and I am being too needy.
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    Sep 22, 2015 11:24 AM GMT
    __morphic__ said
    tmac said
    __morphic__ said
    tmac saidInteresting. My situation was and is somewhat similar except I have an issue emotionally connecting with people, platonic and dating wise. It's not even something I do on purpose but just my personality.


    I am curious to hear about what your partner has to say about it.
    I was dating a guy for a while who had similar issues. He is a great guy, but he could never match up to my emotional need. I even understood that, and thought I will be ok. I really tried because I was way too much into the guy, but I just felt frustrated. I still am not fully over him.


    "Hate" wouldn't be a strong enough word to describe his frustrations lol. We're pretty tough people to deal with so I apologize for your issues with your ex. On the bright side, we're pretty low maintenance icon_wink.gif

    On a serious note, We've been together for a little over three years. We're on the high end of our roller coaster for now. Maybe we'll keep going higher or there might be a sharp descent incoming lol

    Guys like your ex and I work best with a subtle approach. Give us a judgment free zone and we'll close the distance on our own. It's amazing what some of my friends can tease out of me without even trying.

    I admire your boyfriend then. I couldn't do it, as it was just affecting me too much, which made me think that there is something wrong with me and I am being too needy.


    Nothing is wrong with you, though i'm sure you don't need me to tell you that. I think everyone has their different levels of needs, priorities. Opposites attract is nice bu there has to be a sense of compatibility or compromise to make it work. Besides, your ex may not be fully over you either.
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    Sep 24, 2015 4:43 AM GMT
    FitBlackCuddler said"Inexperienced With Intimacy"

    Intimacy to me has NOTHING to do with sex/getting laid. It begins with a desire then the process of emotionally bonding, a mutual (pleasurable) desire to learn about another person so that interplay develops. You come to mutually recognize and then to anticipate behavioral patterns and nuances. You come to communicate with glances, body-language and silences. You WANT to "watch his back" and get great validating pleasure in seeing that he is watching yours.

    Sexual expression is greater because there is no pressure. It is not about the sex antics or performance, it is more a manifestation of the enjoyment of each other's presence and company.

    Two or more people create an emotional, psychical haven for each other.


    I really like this. I feel like this would be near-impossible to find.