Loving someone who's already in a relationship with someone

  • hopeless

    Posts: 4

    Sep 04, 2015 12:52 PM GMT
    Hi everybody! First of all I'd like to apologize if I make any mistakes since I'm not a native English speaker and I am going to write a little too much since I feel really horrible and I have no one to talk. I definitely need your advice...

    I'm a 21 year old Turkish boy. 3 years ago I went to visit a friend of mine in the city where he studied and by chance I met a Czech guy who was doing his Erasmus (an exchange program) in the same university with my friend. All of a sudden I caught myself talking to him and next came the coffee. In a short time we talked about everything and became closer and closer. He came to my place and so did I. He had a boyfriend but back then it didn't really bother me because I had neither a sexual purpose nor something romantic when I first met him. 2 weeks later I invited him to my hometown and he met my family. We became as one and started to spend every single day together but then came the horrifying truth; I noticed that I'd fallen in love with him. I couldn't spend a second without thinking of him. I didn't hide those feelings and let him know and he told me that he had the same feelings for me. Since his bf was in Czech Republic there was no obstacle for us to be together at least in Turkey. After a splendid month he finished his education in Turkey and went back to where he once belonged. The night before his leaving was the hardest night ever in my life.

    He told his bf about me but only like a friend with benefits (since their relationship was open, his bf didn't make any problem) When he was in Czech we skyped almost every day. Then in the following summer he came back to Turkey to visit me. Everything was like how it was some months ago, we were like secret lovers.. But jealousy was eating me up. I wanted him to break up with his bf and start something real with me but since they had been together for 6 years, it was not easy for him nor he wanted to break up with his bf. He told me that I was definitely not a friend for him but he also loved his bf.
    The following year he came back to turkey to study one more semester. But this time I couldn't take it anymore, I didn't wanna be a secret lover of someone who already had someone else and so I started a relationship with someone else and didn't wanna meet the Czech guy during his staying in Turkey. But after sometime we started to talk again and I had problems with my boyfriend because of that. (Not a big deal since I could never be with him 'till the end)

    Then I broke up with my bf but I was still in touch with the Czech guy.. It was something irresistible, I just couldn't let him go even thought I tried really hard.

    This year he came back to Turkey to visit me one more time and for the first week everything was amazing, I had missed him too much and being with him again after such a long time was the only thing I needed. As I said first week was great but then again my jealousy caused serious problems between us. He was texting with a boy whom he physically liked and who loved him and that drove me crazy. He knew that I was jealous and while knowing that texting him while lying next to me was not something acceptable for me. Our arguments got more and more serious, he wanted to have threesome thing with other people. I always knew that he liked to have fun and enjoy but he knew that he was the only person I wanted and I could never stand seeing him with someone else. When he was in Czech, it was OK for me, I can't control his life, he's free to do whatever he wants, I respect him but I felt like he didn't care about me and my feelings, he knew that it'd hurt me but he kept wanting to feed his desires. And the night before he left Turkey instead of staying with me alone he wanted to meet an unknown boy for a cup of coffee. It would have been fine for me if he had done it not the night before he left. I told him that I didn't wanna meet that boy and then he went to the meeting alone. That boy gave him a t-shirt of his and he gave him a pen of his as a memory. I can't find words to explain how broken my heart got. He was totally careless in my eyes. It was like, the boy whom I met 3 years ago was not him anymore. The boy 3 years ago cared about my feelings, he made me feel important, special but now I was just like a third wheel.

    The thing between us (relationship or friendship) has been getting worse more and more each day but still I just don't wanna lose him. He is still as important as the first year he was for me and I can't really live without him. I know that we can't be in a relationship and I also know that we shouldn't love each other this way. We do nothing but hurt each other.

    What can I do to see him only as a friend? Maybe as my best friend? Though I don't wanna be his friend, I know there's no other way/chance if I wanna keep him in my life. Thank you...
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    Sep 04, 2015 1:21 PM GMT
    I don't know. The way I see it, why you want to keep him as a friend? Do you really need a friend from him? Or you really just wanna keep him in your life as lover?
    Let me just say this, I think anyone can make choices for themselves when it comes to people and relationships in their life. The question is, how much you really want it? You wanna get rid of him? Do it. You can.
    It's clear that, at least from your story, you both want different things. You want a certain kind of relationship, and he wants a different kind of relationships. We can't control our lover(s). I think relationship will work when both parties want the same thing.
    And I like the line from "The Perk of being a Wallflower", is that "we accept what we think we deserve".

    So do you deserve to have that kind of relationship like that with him?
    Only you know the answer. Once you figure it out, then make a choice. Every adult has to make their own choices for their own life.
    Keep him as lover?
    Or broke it off with him completely and find other guys maybe? There are other guys out there. Maybe not as appealing as your Czech guy in one way or another, but probably suit you better. It's possible.
    Once you make the choice, then stick to it.

    Hope that helps. Good luck.
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    Sep 04, 2015 1:50 PM GMT
    Super long posts about long lost whatever are always written as a first post by a new member. Shocking.
    Anyway, since I did not bother to read your tripe, my advice is to stop being such a sad little child. There, that is all. Now move on.
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    Sep 04, 2015 2:00 PM GMT
    You may have made a mistake falling in love with this guy in the first place. He obviously is not serious in any relationship and not prepared to settle with one lover. He probably also travels alot and has flings every where he goes. If he enjoys threesomes, where does that place you? Top, bottom or centre? A relationship with this guy may lead to confusion on your part, you will always wonder if he is telling the truth about his travels. Does distance make the heart grow fonder? Yes it does, only if the guy is serious about you.
  • hopeless

    Posts: 4

    Sep 04, 2015 2:01 PM GMT
    Easier said than done... If only I could just let him go but even the thought of not being able to see him again or not to hear his voice makes me crazy. Once you fall in love, you can't control your feelings. icon_sad.gif
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    Sep 04, 2015 2:36 PM GMT
    Of curse it's easier said than done. no doubt about it. that's why you need to hear what other people say, and probably the most important one, what your heart and head say.
    and I think a lot of us been there too.
    All I know is, when it's hard to move on and you really don't know what to do, I found it easier to just do things step by step. baby steps. focusing on something else always a good step. are you still a student? that's it. focus on that.
    but at the end of the day, you still have to make a choice. and stick to it. because if you don't, then you just leading your personal life aimlessly. you're still 21. you'll probably still have your late 20s later, and then early 30s, and then late 30s, and then early 40s, and so on. Imagine all sort of things that could happen in your life. New experience, new guy maybe. I don't know.
    Do you really wanna miss all that over some euro guy who like to screw around?
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    Sep 04, 2015 2:54 PM GMT
    Learning to making good choices, and avoiding making bad ones, is part of maturing. If two people are in love, respect both of them by not interfering with it in ANY way. You'll gain self-confidence and self-respect in the process, and admiration from others for your self-control. There are plenty of plums and plenty of trees.
  • metta

    Posts: 39089

    Sep 04, 2015 2:57 PM GMT
    Probably the best thing to do would be to stop seeing each other. Tell him that this is not working for your and seeing him is too painful for you. That you want a relationship, not casual sex.
  • dragonbunny

    Posts: 57

    Sep 04, 2015 3:08 PM GMT
    Who would have guessed that Turkish men could be so romantic? Your written English is very good, better than that of some of the native speakers on this site.
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    Sep 04, 2015 3:11 PM GMT
    Walk away from him. He doesn't sound like he is as serious about your relationship as you are, and he's hurting you in the process. It might hurt to walk away, but, in the long run, it is for your own good.

    He is using you by the sounds of things, and you deserve far better than that. You don't deserve to be the "other guy". Don't you see that you are his other option in these scenarios? He knows he can treat you how he wants because you'll run to him no matter what.

    You need to walk away with your head held high.

    And for the posters who are being jerks to this guy who obviously is quite upset: didn't your mother teach you that if you don't have something nice to say, not to say anything at all? Because your words have the ability to hurt, especially someone who is vulnerable.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 04, 2015 3:25 PM GMT
    I'm realizing that you dont even know this guy all that well now. My story doesn't even really help you, heh.

    Yeah. You like the attachment, and that is what he's avoiding like the plague with you. He says friends with benefits and means it. He likes the action with you. If you want more with him, he's going to kick you down hard if you keep trying.

    I'd block him and keep trying to find someone who actually gives a shit that if they screw you one night, abruptly leaving you after hurts you terribly.
  • hopeless

    Posts: 4

    Sep 04, 2015 3:28 PM GMT
    Ronar2; Yes I'm still a student and I think what you wrote there was quite right. I'm only 21 and life outside is waiting for me. I just need to get my head together and then I'll see what happens.

    metta8; I don't have enough confidence to tell him that now but yes I think the best thing to do in this situation would be parting company with him.
  • FitBlackCuddl...

    Posts: 800

    Sep 04, 2015 5:31 PM GMT
    hopeless saidHi everybody! First of all I'd like to apologize if I make any mistakes since I'm not a native English speaker and I am going to write a little too much since I feel really horrible and I have no one to talk. I definitely need your advice...

    I'm a 21 year old Turkish boy. 3 years ago I went to visit a friend of mine in the city where he studied and by chance I met a Czech guy who was doing his Erasmus (an exchange program) in the same university with my friend. All of a sudden I caught myself talking to him and next came the coffee. In a short time we talked about everything and became closer and closer. He came to my place and so did I. He had a boyfriend but back then it didn't really bother me because I had neither a sexual purpose nor something romantic when I first met him. 2 weeks later I invited him to my hometown and he met my family. We became as one and started to spend every single day together but then came the horrifying truth; I noticed that I'd fallen in love with him. I couldn't spend a second without thinking of him. I didn't hide those feelings and let him know and he told me that he had the same feelings for me. Since his bf was in Czech Republic there was no obstacle for us to be together at least in Turkey. After a splendid month he finished his education in Turkey and went back to where he once belonged. The night before his leaving was the hardest night ever in my life.

    He told his bf about me but only like a friend with benefits (since their relationship was open, his bf didn't make any problem) When he was in Czech we skyped almost every day. Then in the following summer he came back to Turkey to visit me. Everything was like how it was some months ago, we were like secret lovers.. But jealousy was eating me up. I wanted him to break up with his bf and start something real with me but since they had been together for 6 years, it was not easy for him nor he wanted to break up with his bf. He told me that I was definitely not a friend for him but he also loved his bf.
    The following year he came back to turkey to study one more semester. But this time I couldn't take it anymore, I didn't wanna be a secret lover of someone who already had someone else and so I started a relationship with someone else and didn't wanna meet the Czech guy during his staying in Turkey. But after sometime we started to talk again and I had problems with my boyfriend because of that. (Not a big deal since I could never be with him 'till the end)

    Then I broke up with my bf but I was still in touch with the Czech guy.. It was something irresistible, I just couldn't let him go even thought I tried really hard.

    This year he came back to Turkey to visit me one more time and for the first week everything was amazing, I had missed him too much and being with him again after such a long time was the only thing I needed. As I said first week was great but then again my jealousy caused serious problems between us. He was texting with a boy whom he physically liked and who loved him and that drove me crazy. He knew that I was jealous and while knowing that texting him while lying next to me was not something acceptable for me. Our arguments got more and more serious, he wanted to have threesome thing with other people. I always knew that he liked to have fun and enjoy but he knew that he was the only person I wanted and I could never stand seeing him with someone else. When he was in Czech, it was OK for me, I can't control his life, he's free to do whatever he wants, I respect him but I felt like he didn't care about me and my feelings, he knew that it'd hurt me but he kept wanting to feed his desires. And the night before he left Turkey instead of staying with me alone he wanted to meet an unknown boy for a cup of coffee. It would have been fine for me if he had done it not the night before he left. I told him that I didn't wanna meet that boy and then he went to the meeting alone. That boy gave him a t-shirt of his and he gave him a pen of his as a memory. I can't find words to explain how broken my heart got. He was totally careless in my eyes. It was like, the boy whom I met 3 years ago was not him anymore. The boy 3 years ago cared about my feelings, he made me feel important, special but now I was just like a third wheel.

    The thing between us (relationship or friendship) has been getting worse more and more each day but still I just don't wanna lose him. He is still as important as the first year he was for me and I can't really live without him. I know that we can't be in a relationship and I also know that we shouldn't love each other this way. We do nothing but hurt each other.

    What can I do to see him only as a friend? Maybe as my best friend? Though I don't wanna be his friend, I know there's no other way/chance if I wanna keep him in my life. Thank you...


    It all fell apart for YOU as soon as YOU experienced jealousy...and YOUR want to be "the only one" in what was already an established partnership. It CANNOT be all about YOU.
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    Sep 04, 2015 6:55 PM GMT
    hopeless saidEasier said than done... If only I could just let him go but even the thought of not being able to see him again or not to hear his voice makes me crazy. Once you fall in love, you can't control your feelings. icon_sad.gif

    No, it is not easy.
    Say good bye, cry for a week then move on like the rest of us have done.
    Did you know you could love another man this way?
    Now you do..thank him for that and move on.
    You're cute as hell; there will be others--so many your heart will grow to large for your bird like chest.
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    Sep 04, 2015 6:57 PM GMT
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 04, 2015 7:29 PM GMT
    hopeless saidEasier said than done... If only I could just let him go but even the thought of not being able to see him again or not to hear his voice makes me crazy. Once you fall in love, you can't control your feelings. icon_sad.gif


    Life goes on after a break up man. Instead of thinking about how awful it will be, spend your time thinking of how to cope and move on. Because you really do need to get out of that situation and move on. We've all been there and it hurts really bad at first and then it gets better and better and better over time. Part of what you have to do is fill your free time and thoughts with other things instead of allowing yourself to endlessly daydream about him. Good luck.
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    Sep 04, 2015 7:40 PM GMT
    you want my advice ? just say to him to go fuck himself, he was using you the whole time and is not worth your time, it will be very hard and he will always be a part of you, but eventually you well get over it, this relationship is toxic and destructive, believe me.
  • FitBlackCuddl...

    Posts: 800

    Sep 04, 2015 9:24 PM GMT
    bonaparts saidyou want my advice ? just say to him to go fuck himself, he was using you the whole time and is not worth your time, it will be very hard and he will always be a part of you, but eventually you well get over it, this relationship is toxic and destructive, believe me.


    Using him? HOW so?

    Didn't "Hopeless" say that that the interest was mutual between them from the first...that the fellow revealed that he was already in a relationship that was "open"? Didn't Hopeless say that he did not originally care about the fellow's partner because "[he] had neither a sexual purpose nor something romantic when I first met him".

    How is it the fault/responsibility of the other fellow that "Hopeless's" feelings changed? Doesn't Hopeless have any responsibility in any of this?
  • hopeless

    Posts: 4

    Sep 04, 2015 10:11 PM GMT
    FitBlackCuddler said
    bonaparts saidyou want my advice ? just say to him to go fuck himself, he was using you the whole time and is not worth your time, it will be very hard and he will always be a part of you, but eventually you well get over it, this relationship is toxic and destructive, believe me.


    Using him? HOW so?

    Didn't "Hopeless" say that that the interest was mutual between them from the first...that the fellow revealed that he was already in a relationship that was "open"? Didn't Hopeless say that he did not originally care about the fellow's partner because "[he] had neither a sexual purpose nor something romantic when I first met him".

    How is it the fault/responsibility of the other fellow that "Hopeless's" feelings changed? Doesn't Hopeless have any responsibility in any of this?


    Yes maybe at first I didn't think that I'd fall for him but later I did but the thing is he told me that he had the same feelings for me and over 2 years he told his bf that we were just friends but what we were actually doing was much more than what friends did.
  • davfit

    Posts: 309

    Sep 04, 2015 11:00 PM GMT
    Gay Men are not Women.. they act like men..Men who can't make up their minds...he doing just what your are doing..
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    Sep 05, 2015 1:11 AM GMT
    smartmoney saidSuper long posts about long lost whatever are always written as a first post by a new member. Shocking.
    Anyway, since I did not bother to read your tripe, my advice is to stop being such a sad little child. There, that is all. Now move on.


    No need to be so unkind. The OP isn't emotionally experienced enough to know when an affair is not going to work.

    We've all been through something like this -- unless you were hatched from an egg. How to let yourself be vulnerable without getting hurt is something you have to learn by painful experience.
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    Sep 05, 2015 1:22 AM GMT
    TexDef07 said
    smartmoney saidSuper long posts about long lost whatever are always written as a first post by a new member. Shocking.
    Anyway, since I did not bother to read your tripe, my advice is to stop being such a sad little child. There, that is all. Now move on.


    No need to be so unkind. The OP isn't emotionally experienced enough to know when an affair is not going to work.

    We've all been through something like this -- unless you were hatched from an egg. How to let yourself be vulnerable without getting hurt is something you have to learn by painful experience.
    Couldn't have said it better myself!
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Sep 05, 2015 3:25 AM GMT
    I realize that it can be hard when you develop feelings for someone in a relationship. This has not happened to me yet but whenever I see a guy who I think is attractive or nice (usually when I watch YouTube vids lol), I do wonder what it's like but since I don't know these people, I don't have a real connection with them so it's easy to not fall into that kind of trap.

    The best advice I can give is try to move on. Try to meet some more single guys instead.
  • stratavos

    Posts: 1831

    Sep 05, 2015 4:26 AM GMT
    I'd just like to say that... this does not need to be a monogamous relationship (since it certainly isn't one).

    you need to get over this sense of ownership that there seems to be. He is no one's property but his own. You are no one's property but your own.

    Talk with him about it. Communication is key.
  • FRE0

    Posts: 4862

    Sep 05, 2015 6:26 AM GMT
    Domino_dancer saidYou may have made a mistake falling in love with this guy in the first place. He obviously is not serious in any relationship and not prepared to settle with one lover. He probably also travels alot and has flings every where he goes. If he enjoys threesomes, where does that place you? Top, bottom or centre? A relationship with this guy may lead to confusion on your part, you will always wonder if he is telling the truth about his travels. Does distance make the heart grow fonder? Yes it does, only if the guy is serious about you.


    ^^^ This ^^^

    Actually, it looks as though he is not suitable for anyone who wants a serious relationship, and probably you are not either. The only thing that makes sense is for you to keep you distance from him unless you are a masochist. There is nothing to be gained from even seeing him again.