Going from exclusive relationship to "just dating"

  • dxg1134

    Posts: 2

    Sep 05, 2015 6:29 AM GMT
    My boyfriend and I dated for nearly a year before he broke up with me one drunken night with “Don’t you think we’d be better as friends?” The next day he reaffirmed this is what he wanted. He claimed that it came down to sexual incompatibility and lack of intimacy due to personality differences. He was adamant about remaining friends and so, even though I was devastated, I agreed to be friends since I wasn’t ready to let go of him completely.

    I decided to start seeing a therapist to work on my own issues, and as my ex began to see the changes I’d made, I guess he became more attracted to me, and “friends” quickly became friends with benefits. Sex was 100 times better and more uninhibited than it had ever been before. This went on for about 2 months and was an exercise in torture for me, always hoping he’d ask for a relationship again and always walking away disappointed when he didn’t.

    I eventually decided it was in my best interest to end our friendship completely, as it was causing me nothing but pain. He got really angry with me when I did this. The next day he called and texted me multiple times and I ignored it. He went so far as to contact my sister to ask her to have me call him. At this point, I decided to give in and see what he wanted. He asked if we could meet because he claimed to have something important to tell me.

    When we met up, he told me that it was a mistake breaking up with me initially. He said that he didn’t feel ready for me to be out of his life completely at this time. He said he feels like our sexual incompatibility had resolved itself and he wanted to basically start over as just “dating” and really wanted to see where we could go together. I agreed, hesitantly.

    We dated for a few weeks, but the entire time it bothered me that I knew he was dating other people and I had no desire to date anyone else. I felt like I should try dating other people, but that it would be only to spite him. I wanted exclusivity and he wanted both of us to keep our options open in case either of us found someone else who we connected to more “effortlessly” as he put it. I decided this is not what I want for myself and I put an end to our dating. I made it clear that I want a relationship and he made it clear that he doesn’t feel like he can devote himself to a relationship at this time. He was upset and asked if we could remain friends. I told him I’d need space for a while to figure out if that’s even possible.

    Honestly, I do not see friendship as a possibility with him at any point in time just due to the fact that my heart felt broken over and over again with him. I’m still in love with him and struggle with whether or not I am being too stubborn about needing exclusivity. Is this something I can or even should try to work past? I think he’s worth it but I’m worried that I’ll be compromising what I want and still end up getting hurt again somewhere down the road.

    Has anyone else struggled with this kind of thing? Advice is greatly appreciated.
  • FitBlackCuddl...

    Posts: 803

    Sep 05, 2015 9:42 PM GMT
    dxg1134 saidMy boyfriend and I dated for nearly a year before he broke up with me one drunken night...claimed that it came down to sexual incompatibility and lack of intimacy due to personality differences...I decided to start seeing a therapist to work on my own issues, and as my ex began to see the changes I’d made, I guess he became more attracted to me, and “friends” quickly became friends with benefits. Sex was 100 times better and more uninhibited than it had ever been before.


    So, the HEART of a (successful gay) relationship is mutual favorite sex antics and positions that are performed with a total lack of inhibition?

    What is going on when there is no sex?
  • Pyre85

    Posts: 213

    Sep 06, 2015 12:19 AM GMT
    I think you did everything absolutely perfectly.
    Walking away takes a lot of strength, it's hard to stop caring about someone, especially when they try to keep you on the hook like that.


    I had a guy who I was madly infatuated with. I was absolutely love struck, and he knew it. I would do anything for him, and he revelled in it. We dated briefly, then went to being just friends.
    He dated other boys while I hoped he would come to his senses and choose me. He never did. I tried so hard to stop liking him that way and just be his friend. But heres where the mind fcking came in. Every time I would stop drooling over him, get myself in check, and treat him like any other boy, he instantly warmed up, would go shirtless, wake me up with breakfast in bed( or on his couch anyway) and a million other seductive, flirty things that would flip me right back into pining over him. Once I was securely back in lust, he would start ignoring me again.
    For well over two years he strung me along, and I never want to be there again.
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    Sep 06, 2015 2:14 AM GMT
    Pyre85 is right. I've had the same thing with a guy I knew. Just ended our friendship on NYE after realizing this was a cycle I was getting myself into.

    It's going to hurt like hell, but you are right in walking away. You're worth a lot more than the way he is treating you. Never be someone else's second option.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Sep 06, 2015 3:31 AM GMT
    Your ex didn't want you but he didn't want anyone else to have you...Run from this fucker...RUN FAST.
  • Antarktis

    Posts: 213

    Sep 06, 2015 4:04 AM GMT
    This reminds of the time...leaving this one to the wolves.
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    Sep 06, 2015 7:51 AM GMT
    Walk out of it, don't let him walk over you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 06, 2015 3:25 PM GMT
    Walk away and don't turn back. It may hurt but you're doing the right thing!!!
  • Parker817

    Posts: 359

    Sep 06, 2015 6:17 PM GMT
    FitBlackCuddler said

    So, the HEART of a (successful gay) relationship is mutual favorite sex antics and positions that are performed with a total lack of inhibition?

    What is going on when there is no sex?


    I don't think that was what he was saying - sex wasn't the heart of the relationship; rather sex was better because of changes he made through therapy. In any case, I think it's ignorant and self-righteous to discredit sexual incompatibility as a valid problem in a relationship.
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    Sep 06, 2015 6:28 PM GMT
    Most gay men are in open relationships, many just don't realize it until their boyfriend or husband gets caught.
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    Sep 06, 2015 11:39 PM GMT
    My two cents worth is a bit different than what the others said. I would just tell him that being friends or friends with benefits is too painful for you and you want exclusivity. Where I disagree with others is to not close the door on him completely but tell him if he is able to change, you might still be open if you don't become involved with someone else in the meantime.
  • metta

    Posts: 39165

    Sep 07, 2015 12:52 AM GMT
    I feel like you already know what is right for you and you should just do that. I don't think you really need our advice. What you wrote above is pretty clear and you are pretty clear where you stand. Stick with that.
  • MarvelClimber

    Posts: 511

    Sep 07, 2015 3:56 AM GMT
    metta saidI feel like you already know what is right for you and you should just do that. I don't think you really need our advice. What you wrote above is pretty clear and you are pretty clear where you stand. Stick with that.


    ^ exactly
  • FitBlackCuddl...

    Posts: 803

    Sep 07, 2015 7:03 PM GMT
    Parker817 said
    FitBlackCuddler said

    So, the HEART of a (successful gay) relationship is mutual favorite sex antics and positions that are performed with a total lack of inhibition?

    What is going on when there is no sex?


    I don't think that was what he was saying - sex wasn't the heart of the relationship; rather sex was better because of changes he made through therapy. In any case, I think it's ignorant and self-righteous to discredit sexual incompatibility as a valid problem in a relationship.


    dxg1134 said
    My boyfriend and I dated for nearly a year before he broke up with me one drunken night...claimed that it came down to sexual incompatibility and lack of intimacy due to personality differences...