Dating/Hookup Apps: Extended Lead Ons

  • greyarbiter

    Posts: 32

    Sep 11, 2015 8:31 AM GMT
    It's a story repeated o'er and o'er, the poor naive boy strung along a dating/hookup app and then getting abruptly rejected or stood up. This is something that happened even before the days of Grindr, Scruff, and its ilk.

    But I am curious what the pathology or even the term is for an extended lead on/catfishing/flaking situation. While my own experience tonight prompted it, I will admit that it's not a fully original rant.

    Please do point me to a different thread if this has been thoroughly rehashed before.

    Issue: Someone on an online app seems very excited to meet you, exchanges pics, talks about interests, discusses when how long they are in town (+1 month), and shows an interest in meeting at your place or his. Up until about an hour before, he shows interest, says that x or y will work, etc., and then you head out and not just radio silence but no response and prompt blocks... 147 ft away. I'm not pissed off at the flaking (I've flaked enough to be self-aware and self-loathing about it) and I'm not even pissed off if it was a catfish. But literally, why go out of your way to plan something, continue talking for a period of 24 hours, and then just get cold feet?

    Background: Just a random guy I met on grindr (which strangely has a much higher rate of meetings than Scruff for me), showed interest when I said hi, exchanged pics (no nudes, I had a few shirtless, he had no shirtless), seemed happy to exchange pics, talked about how he was here for two weeks and he's going to be here until mid October, that he was busy that night but he wanted to meet before he left. I proposed a few days and suggested finally to meet up the next day. In the morning, I ask if we were still on, he responds yes, he says to have a good day, we discuss specifics and when he got off of work, etc. (one admitted red flag is that when I asked him where he was staying at around 4PM, he only gave a general location instead of an address but I had given him the benefit of the doubt that maybe he was discrete and didn't know if I was coming to rob him).

    I assume this happens to a lot of people often. But the weird paranoid irrational part of me can't help but wonder if some guy is spreading weird gossip about me or I have a doppelganger (which I apparently do the next town away) who is mucking things up for me. Maybe a hyper-discrete military contractor who didn't want to actually meet anyone (but in that case, one would expect an app delete, not a case-by-case block). I mean, I know people who got led on for days or weeks via text after exchanging even more in-depth communications, but this was an unusually extended period for me in terms of a lead on. I mean, sure, it may be that s/he was catfishing and didn't want to meet at all. Or maybe he was just that passive aggressive and I missed all the major indicators. But there are certain details that make this case for me a little unusual, and the 20-minute drive into the Beltway towards Washington DC makes it something I want to vent about. I don't mean to cry over this... for a lack of a better word, coward, who could've just said he wasn't interested... but I'm just trying to figure out what I've missed here.

    Anyone have similar experiences? Thoughts? Pathology of this particular variant of no-show?
  • transient

    Posts: 198

    Sep 11, 2015 11:49 AM GMT
    Closeted guy who likes the chase but not the kill.

    I have been on both.sides of this, many years ago...... I would like to appologise on his behalf and atone for my past sins and help make you feel better too.

    Not everyone is.sexually confident in person....lots.of people are more.confident behind a computer/phone screen.

    Just write it off to experience and.this other guys lack of self confidence.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 11, 2015 3:21 PM GMT
    The red flag on all the social apps is the "out of town guys". Some guys are great at spotting fake profiles, if you are not avoid anyone that is not local. I know guys that admit to having fake profiles and just use hookup sites as entertainment and porn. Playing with you is like a video game. You can out them by doing a pic identification on google.

    And in case you have not noticed, gay guys are also very much into fetish and fantasy and social sites are populated with men that get off fantasizing that they are hot young studs ,or whatever, with anyone that they can get to play along. If you don't want to play along just meet guys in real life.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 11, 2015 3:34 PM GMT
    WillsFlakeFilter-10fIN2003.jpg

    MY FLAKE FILTER -

    I hear this complaint from people all the time but it rarely happens to me. Why? I always get they to swap phone numbers early on and insist on a PHONE CALL.....not a stupid text. You're essentially already texting so what's the point in getting their number just to continue texting?

    Once I hear their voice and personality I can be a lot more sure if they're for real or not. You will hear a lot of hesitation in their voice if they're nervous about meeting. And if they're just playing games the conversation will end immediately after asking for their phone number. Not to mention, if they have a voice like my sister I can dodge that bullet without ever even meeting. Surprising, very few guys refuse to give their number. This has been my Flake Filter for years and it works beautifully.

    Also, I usually "jokingly" tell them if they flake on me, I'll write their number on every bathroom wall in town. icon_cool.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 11, 2015 5:33 PM GMT
    perhaps you were his backup option or he was fake
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 11, 2015 5:59 PM GMT
    Seams simple to me.
    You're horny as fuck; do and say anything that might get you laid or at least "off".
    The chase is hot, it works you up, fills in the blanks of your fantasy, makes it just that much more real.
    Bam. Orgasm comes and goes, reality sets in and even the remote possibility that the fantasized could come true scares the hell out of you--you flake the fuck out.

    You really don't have to put up with it. Tell them to cam with you...freaking snap chat...meet at Starbucks now. If they use lame excuses they're a flake and tell them you don't waist your time with flakes. Don't be taken in by the shiny objects, think to yourself this could be that weird straight dood at work, fucking with you, laughing it up with that white trash guy that secretly wants his "big boned" girlfriend to strap-on the big black dildo he drove two counties over to buy.

  • Sep 11, 2015 7:24 PM GMT
    You aren't the only one this happens to,but I guess I can say that I'm guilty of that also,but only because the person I was chatting with all this time was always avoiding certain questions I would ask. So it made me uneasy and I decided that I just didn't want to meet. I really miss the old days when you actually went out to a bar or club and talked in person instead of hiding behind ur computer,phone,or even IPad. Where does everyone go these days to actually meet people for real????
  • greyarbiter

    Posts: 32

    Sep 11, 2015 8:12 PM GMT
    I'm not emotionally crushed or anything about it... it is Grindr, after all, but usually when someone doesn't want to meet, they just stop responding. The pursuit's done. Move on. I don't understand what compels someone to lead someone on pretty much up to the moment of encounter, and then just totally turns off entirely right before. And it's not like he's getting any actual enjoyment either - he's at his corporate apartment clicking block manually. I mean, he could have someone else over... but it must be really dull if he's just on his cell phone during that whole encounter.

    It was a huge waste of time for me, waiting and clearing my evening plans, getting dressed, and driving 20ish minutes out. I suppose if I had just gone to a bar, I would have at least gotten some eye candy... but I'm one of those socially inept guys that tend to stick to existing friends in the bar scene and are too shy and introverted to strike out to talk up a random guy. And I mean, both apps and bars tend to draw from the same pool nowadays anyway, especially in a metro area like Washington DC.

    As for the topic of out-of-town in-the-closet guys, I mean, I've had a lot of success with them in a totally NSA setting. I actually sorta prefer them over the alternative because the past few local exes were total nutcases who were either clingy, raging alcoholics, kleptomaniacs, or a mix of the above. And the sort of unspoken advantage of playing the out-of-town port mistress role is that you can usually net a guy who is a degree or two more physically attractive than someone local that would be more of a long-term dating situation.

    But I'm at a point in my life where I am re-evaluating my life choices. I'm going to get a cat and die old alone.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 11, 2015 10:36 PM GMT
    The out of towners are fine. I have a few friends (FWBs) from LA, Seattle, and SD.

    I quit SCRUFF and GRINDR. If the major attribute is how close they are, then that's too shallow. On a few occasions I used to to start up a bar conversation: "IS that you? Says you are 126 ft away", blah, blah, blah. A4A, bbrt etc. aren't very distance accurate but I like to filter in or out some things: age, drugs use, physical traits, at least 3 pics (body/face required) etc.

    Quite simply if a guy doesn't do drugs, is over 35, works out, and is honest about POZ/UVL/PrEP I haven't had a problem. Obviously that's MY search criteria! The only time I've had flakes is when I deviate from my core list.

    A 23 YO club boi, PnPer, 'Clean UB2" who was tested 12.2.14 won't be very reliable or trustworthy.
  • FitBlackCuddl...

    Posts: 802

    Sep 12, 2015 3:52 PM GMT
    greyarbiter saidIt's a story repeated o'er and o'er, the poor naive boy strung along a dating/hookup app and then getting abruptly rejected or stood up. This is something that happened even before the days of Grindr, Scruff, and its ilk.

    But I am curious what the pathology or even the term is for an extended lead on/catfishing/flaking situation. While my own experience tonight prompted it, I will admit that it's not a fully original rant.


    This ALWAYS painful experience apparently has not happened universally enough for the bafflement and pain to move people to NOT treat other humans with such casual heartless contempt.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 12, 2015 4:14 PM GMT
    Just go to meetup.com and sign up for gay group events. I heard many have singles night, speed dating and stuff like that. Therefore, most of the people will already be outside and all you have to do is talk to them and see if the chemistry is there. Ditch dating apps and never look back lol
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 12, 2015 4:47 PM GMT
    There should be a website where guys can post the pics of guys who stood them up, and the stories behind it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 12, 2015 6:44 PM GMT
    Buy the cat, ditch the apps, marry me. Solved. icon_cool.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 13, 2015 12:59 AM GMT
    If I were you, I'd read the article in the Sept issue of Details. It's about the rise of STI's no thanks to hook-up apps.

    Keep them off your phone.
    Don't get crabs.
  • transient

    Posts: 198

    Sep 26, 2015 11:10 AM GMT
    I just had the same thing happen to me now.....it definatly feels shitty to be on recieving end of this.

    We chatted, it all clicked on more than one level and arranged to go out lastnight.

    Leaving 4days lead time from the initial contact to the date maybe was too much.

    Well I guess I feel a little let down.