In a good relationship with a guy but...

  • fLiP21

    Posts: 48

    Sep 14, 2015 2:50 AM GMT
    hey everyone. It's been a while since I posted but here it goes. I'm in a relationship with a wonderful guy for over a year. This past year has been full of great memories and bonding as a couple. He's slightly older than I am (mid-30's) while I'm only 21. The thing is that he already has a career in our current city and is well established already. I, on the other hand, am still finishing college and am under contract to serve in the Army (most likely active duty) as a nurse in 2 years.

    With that in mind, the topic of what will happen when I graduate has been brought up a few times before (albeit briefly) knowing that I am bound to be stationed far away if I get active duty. It kills me when he brings it up because I don't know what to say at all. I feel like I am scared to talk to him about the subject because deep in my heart I want to go active duty if possible. It's not that I don't care for him, it's just that I am not ready to compromise my career before it's even started. I honestly don't know what to do. I don't feel like I'm ready to settle in a few years even if I go Reserves.
    I just need some insight from anyone who's had issues with career v. love and/or military lifestyle and love.

    Thanks,
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    Sep 14, 2015 3:39 AM GMT
    My sympathies. This is a really tough quandary. I struggled early on with whether to focus on career, but chose to put my relationship first. I'm proud of the deep bond my hubs and I have, but I can't deny that I sometimes look back and wonder what more I could have made of myself had I focused more on career. At several times during my life, I was spending much more time at work, and away from him, and when we were both younger, we felt we had time. But as health issues started cropping up, it made less and less sense for me to devote so much time and energy into work, spending time with people who were nice enough, but for whom I really didn't care, rather than spending it with my hubs. Still, I sometimes get really frustrated that I'm not more successful, or that I don't feel like I'm part of some grand project (of course, excluding the grand project that is my hubs).

    I met my hubs when I was 24, and the age gap between him and me is a little bit wider than yours, but similar. I think he was really tired of playing the field at the time, and I think I had always known that I wanted to be in a deeply committed relationship because I'd grown up in a dysfunctional family (not just my parents, but pretty much every adult in my extended family had horrible marriages) I knew I didn't want that for myself.

    There's truth to cliché and long distance relationships are always very difficult, but it's not that they never work. For several traumatic years, my hubs and I would have to spend several months out of a year on separate continents. I can't stress more how important iChatAV (which has sort of morphed into FaceTime) proved to be in keeping us sane. We would often just keep the connection open even when one was sleeping and the other working, or otherwise had nothing to say, just so that we could be in each other's company, virtual though it was.

    I guess the upshot is that your current states of health, how likely it will be that you and your guy can stay in daily touch, how openly you can talk about how you'd feel if one or the other succumbed to the inevitable temptations, and whether both of you can envision spending the rest of your lives (or a significant number of years) together, are all factors that I'd consider if I was in your situation.

    I don't envy you the decisions you have ahead of you. The tug between career and relationship is often strong.

    *Disclaimer: These are just my observations based on my personal life history. Individual results may vary.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 14, 2015 1:28 PM GMT
    Love is a drug. The hormones released when we are intimate mess with the brain. Enjoy what you have now but know that nothing lasts forever and the intense love you feel now will most probably fade as your brain chemistry changes. So follow your career choice and realize you will most probably have many love affairs during your life.
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    Sep 14, 2015 3:50 PM GMT
    fLiP21 saidhey everyone. It's been a while since I posted but here it goes. I'm in a relationship with a wonderful guy for over a year. This past year has been full of great memories and bonding as a couple. He's slightly older than I am (mid-30's) while I'm only 21. The thing is that he already has a career in our current city and is well established already. I, on the other hand, am still finishing college and am under contract to serve in the Army (most likely active duty) as a nurse in 2 years.

    With that in mind, the topic of what will happen when I graduate has been brought up a few times before (albeit briefly) knowing that I am bound to be stationed far away if I get active duty. It kills me when he brings it up because I don't know what to say at all. I feel like I am scared to talk to him about the subject because deep in my heart I want to go active duty if possible. It's not that I don't care for him, it's just that I am not ready to compromise my career before it's even started. I honestly don't know what to do. I don't feel like I'm ready to settle in a few years even if I go Reserves.
    I just need some insight from anyone who's had issues with career v. love and/or military lifestyle and love.

    Thanks,

    A 15-year difference? The ageist contingent will be in shortly to express their objections of how you enjoy living your life. Pay close attention to them because if anyone knows you better than you know yourself it will be those who don't know you at all.

    To your life, you just never know which way it will play. Life has this odd way of stagnating just when you'd want some change and of changing just as you settle in. I've lived for love over career and jokingly regretted it, always having placed family and friends over job. But then you learn that no matter what you do for others, they betray; and that no matter how deeply you love, they die. People are rude like that.

    On the other hand, even while you can succeed in career as best possible given locational constraints, even if you've left love for career, jobs you've devoted yourself to for decades can disappear and even the love of a career can wane. Companies can reinvent themselves, technology itself we see can change so external forces beyond your control change. Even internally, some people are happy in their chosen career for their entire lives but probably most people would rather be doing something different after doing the same thing over and over again for 30 years.

    So while we normally want to plan ahead to avoid catastrophe as best we can, really, all you have is the moment you're living. Figure out what that is and how to best live that by that, not by what whatever might or might not be. And then when everything fucks up, at least you'll know you tried.

    You're welcome
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Sep 14, 2015 5:25 PM GMT
    I have a chat friend on here who just finished his first 3 yr army deployment (all far away from his partner and his work). And they are still solid. It can be done. Think of it this way: In what relationship with a guy will the dual career not at some point become an issue? My guy has an offer for a gig that will take him away for over a year and we're dealing with it because it is a good career move and we love each other. I think you should decide how important this guy is to you and then talk to him, see what his thoughts are on the alternatives. Don't assume you know what he thinks or what he feels. If the decision is to stay a couple but you deploy, you'd best have the open/closed relationship talk. Life is always complicated. Follow your heart but listen to your head as well. Communication is everything. And it is a skill learned, so start learning. Good luck, guy.

    (And for god's sake, if you don't think of this guy as your forever guy, don't lead him on. A lot of guys here will assume stupid, small minded things about your age split but the truth is we are all vulnerable and we all hurt. Be loving.)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 14, 2015 5:50 PM GMT
    If there's true love between both of you, then he should accept your career choice without question. Military relationships are never easy...especially the first term...but it can work if you both work together with it.
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    Sep 14, 2015 6:14 PM GMT
    I've known several long distance relationships and marriages that have worked. Many who are in sales, consulting, transportation, hospitality, event management, photographer and other roles find themselves in heavy travel, long distance relationship type scenarios. I think the key is to talk about it with your partner early and often. You can make it work but communication is pretty important. You should both also have a good understanding of your needs are so that you can have realistic expectations.

    It's hard to find a guy that is a good match for you and to make it even last as you have so far so congrats! Good luck!
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Sep 14, 2015 6:26 PM GMT
    Domino_dancer saidThere's an old saying, 'If you love something, set it free, if it comes back to you it's yours. If it doesn't it never was.'

    But what if it gets lost or stolen?icon_sad.gif
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    Sep 14, 2015 7:03 PM GMT
    HottJoe said
    Domino_dancer saidThere's an old saying, 'If you love something, set it free, if it comes back to you it's yours. If it doesn't it never was.'

    But what if it gets lost or stolen?icon_sad.gif



    icon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 14, 2015 10:13 PM GMT
    I've had to choose between my career and a relationship 3 times, and each time I chose my career. Love can't feed, clothe, or shelter you; nor can it give you professional satisfaction. Determine what's truly important to you, and move forward with that in mind.
  • Oceans_of_Flo...

    Posts: 393

    Sep 14, 2015 10:43 PM GMT


    Poignant tears of nostalgia well up in my eyes for a fleeting world that vanished almost as soon as I was aware of it well, and warm my jaded heart with new hope and remembrance of the joys and power of innocence upon hearing your potent paean to eternal love.




  • Crisistunity

    Posts: 109

    Sep 15, 2015 7:49 AM GMT
    Your profile says you are Single, so I guess you got your answer already icon_wink.gif
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    Sep 15, 2015 3:24 PM GMT
    Personal advice just try and do the best for both of you. If he really loves you, he will be just be there no matter what and so the you.

    Love is just not easy dude. I went for nursing because of my EX working in the same city and served 3 year active duty, but the time came for him to settle in an other city, that changed it all... I really don't regret it. But now I'm currently in my second year of Med school which is awesome and never too late.

    My dad always used to say ¨Don't let anybody hold you from doing what you love and like¨... But if that ANYBODY turns out to be the person you love... ¨Why not doing what you like and loving the Person at the same time¨?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 15, 2015 4:37 PM GMT
    Your boyfriend probably keeps bringing it up because he wants to know if you want a long-distance relationship with him or not. Give it to him straight.