Grindr and monogamous relationship


  • Sep 15, 2015 3:45 AM GMT
    Hello, thanks for coming in to read my post. I need some opinions:

    My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years officially. We have always been in a long distance relationship and no cheating has been involved. At first, we were 50 miles apart. Then, we were 350 miles apart for 6 months and now he is 1,000 miles from me. We both know we love each other; we talked about long term plans about me moving in to his city and traveled to his city quite often. We both met each others families, spent holidays together with his parents/family/extended family, been around our friends, and his life has became intertwined with mine vice versa.

    He recently moved to a big city and decided to get his grindr back; I did not react well to it because I knew grindr was notorious for hook ups. However, he suggested I should have more trust in him in the fact that he won't cheat and is purely looking to meet gay friends because he is having a hard time making friends as a transplant in his new city. I told him there are better venues to find friends and he refused to delete grindr. I can see both sides of the equation how he can see it as a trust issue but obviously, this was stressing me out and I let him know that. I see how it is a vital tool to meet friends as well.

    His status on grindr is listed as exclusive. Do I have a reason to be concerned about him looking for friends on grindr and refusing to delete it for the benefit of our relationship? Or am I being unreasonable to ask him to remove it from his phone when he stated his sole intentions of grindr? Also, what is the difference between exclusive and committed on grindr because I feel like him and I are in a committed relationship. Is this label something that needs to be addressed or am I just thinking too hard about the labels?

    At the end of the day, I love him and I want this relationship to work; I am learning how to trust him being on grindr and his intentions but I am ready to walk away from the relationship if there are obvious red flags I do not see. I need some clear guidance on what to do if anything because I am not sure if I am overreacting.

    Thank you
  • highforthis

    Posts: 681

    Sep 15, 2015 4:50 AM GMT
    I've gotten nudes and have seen shirtless profile pics on "exclusive" or "committed" profiles. Those labels are typically for the gullible boyfriend's eyes only.
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    Sep 15, 2015 12:50 PM GMT
    I geeked out at the idea of Grindr and others like it when I first heard about it but it quickly became clear that this was not an app for "making friends" ... out of respect for my BF I deleted it. I wish there was a platonic version but thus far it doesn't seem to exist.
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    Sep 15, 2015 4:16 PM GMT
    Create a fake hot guy profile and ask him to exchange nudes and ask if he does hookups.
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    Sep 15, 2015 4:51 PM GMT
    looking for platonic friends on grindr..lol

    dont kid yourself

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    Sep 15, 2015 5:01 PM GMT
    MasterOfTheDomain saidCreate a fake hot guy profile and ask him to exchange nudes and ask if he does hookups.


    This. Catfish him with a fake profile of someone who is his type. Don't come onto him desperately with it because any guy can be pushed over the edge when he's horny. Just start with a hi and ask, "Hey, so are you in a relationship?" And "If you are, would wanna meet up?" Then, "Wouldn't your bf be upset?"

    His answers should give you an idea. My suggestion might be a bit too much, but it's one way.

    Good luck.
  • rocketfish229

    Posts: 22

    Sep 15, 2015 5:26 PM GMT
    I'm a single guy who goes on Grindr for platonic friends. I'm not into the gay clubs here and honestly there aren't any other ways for me to meet guys. That being said, I find myself being an abnormality. There are a lot of guys who are looking for "friends" but want their friends to be attractive and do-able lol. I've had so many of those "committed" "exclusive" profiles flat out tell me that they would be willing to cheat on their boyfriend.

    Even if your guy is very trustworthy, there are a lot of NASTY people who go for guys in relationships and get some kind of self-satisfaction out of it. I would rather just eradicate any kind of possibility of that and not bother having the app. You'd find more success making friends through volunteering somewhere, looking for an organized sport, or taking a skill class like cooking.
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    Sep 15, 2015 5:52 PM GMT
    I joined Grindr because in my town it's hard to make friends. I quickly discovered that Grindr is not for making friends unless you get bj's and fuck your friends.
  • tobyb

    Posts: 111

    Sep 15, 2015 6:30 PM GMT
    I'm not into using Grindr or other apps, but I agree with the others here who think it's mostly about finding guys to hook up with. It's not a good "Friend finder." Organized sports or activities aimed at gay guys are more fun and not so sexually charged. If he's not willing to go about finding friends that way, that does raise questions in my head.

    I think "exclusive" means more in Grindr world than "committed," because it suggests the person with that on their profile won't fool around with anyone other than their BF. You can be committed to your BF, while still playing around sexually with others. But I do agree with what someone said about how some guys use the "exclusive" label so if they are going behind their BF's back and get caught, they can deny to their BF that they actually had sex. Here, your BF is telling you he's doing it, which is sign of honesty and candour in your relationship.

    I know a LOT of guys who like to play with Grindr, almost as a way to see how hot they are, or find out who they can get. Some pretend to be something (or even someONE) whom they're not, pretend they're going to hook up, but don't. Think about how many people complain that when they WANT to hook up, people on Grindr flake out or just don't show up, even after promising they will. So it's possible that your BF wants the thrill of feeling like he'll meet someone hot for a sex date, but actually won't do it, and is truly monogamous to you (Though as an aside, I wonder why isn't the word "monoandrous".

    For that reason and others, I do NOT recommend investigating your BF by pretending to be someone else and catfishing him. Unless you have something really specific to suggest he's actually cheating on you and lying to you about it, I would not do that. If you want to prove he's fraud and kick him out in a storm of drama, you might well get your wish. But most likely, you'd become a suspicious snoop filled with distrust whose every moment with your BF is dedicated to tripping him up and proving him to be a liar. Way to go on ending a relationship, regardless of what he's actually doing now.

    My only other advice is to keep talking to him about who he's finding on Grindr, what he thinks of it, who he has met, what they're like, and is he becoming good friends with them. Maybe you can even ask whether he wants you to meet some of these guys the next time you're in town visiting. If it turns out he's being honest with you, great. If he's having sex with any of them, or not being straightforward with you, I bet you will be able to tell that something is up. And if he IS meeting up and actually having sex with other guys, maybe it's purely about sex and he still loves you. If he's honest enough to talk to you frankly about that, that may be a sign that you have a developed a really sincere relationship that can endure, even though you are over 1,000 miles apart. If so, it might be one you should pursue and deepen. Only you can be the judge. Good luck!
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    Sep 15, 2015 7:02 PM GMT
    You're in a long distance relationship and your bf is on Grindr? Hmmmmmm. Methinks someone has cheated and has withheld that information. It begs to ask why your bf is on Grindr (again). It ain't to make friends unless it's the "friends with benefits" kind.

    When you live in a big city, you have such an app for one reason and one reason only. Your man is on the prowl.

  • Sep 15, 2015 7:39 PM GMT
    Thank you everyone for your responses so far! I really appreciate them.
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    Sep 15, 2015 7:49 PM GMT
    To be quite blunt about this, in my personal experience the guys on grindr that claim they're "exclusive," "committed," "not looking," or "looking for friends only" are the ones that usually ask me to f**k them bareback.
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    Sep 15, 2015 9:52 PM GMT
    Romero23 saidlooking for platonic friends on grindr..lol

    dont kid yourself



    My thoughts exaclty.

    To the OP, don't play fresh, because we all know what grindr is all about. No matter what they say on their profiles. And yes I too have been contacted by these so called exclusive, and committed men, heck, even married men back in my days of grindr. Those labels do not matter.

    Do you expect some horny dude in some far off land doesn't want physical contact too? If this truly matters to you, I would ask for a break with him. This shows that he has no power over you in this relationship, and if the subject of the grindr app was that important to you he will have to chose. You or the app, and if he chooses the app, well, that just tells you where you stand in his list of importance.
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    Sep 15, 2015 10:19 PM GMT
    platypusninetytwo saidGrindr and monogamous relationship
    That's gotta be the biggest oxymoron I've ever seen in a thread title. icon_lol.gif
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    Sep 15, 2015 10:59 PM GMT
    If you have to create a fake grindr account to see if your boyfriend is being honest, the relationship is over. That type of behavior is immature and harmful to you. You should be honest with him about your issues with grindr and decide if its a deal breaker. You have to make that decision and live with the outcome. I hope that whatever you decide, you will be find peace with the decision.
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    Sep 16, 2015 6:28 AM GMT
    Grindr has been very healthy for my boyfriend and I (we're "open", although I prefer "mature adults"). We've also been doing long distance for a while, 1.5 years, with varying distances. I've slept with one other guy during this time, which my boyfriend knows about. He's slept with a few more than that, but I told him when we met that I didn't want him to feel trapped in any way since neither of us had intended for it to develop into a serious relationship. He'd just ended a 6 year one and I wanted him to feel safe and comfortable exploring things sexually if he so chose.
    Being on Grindr allows us to keep ourselves entertained and feeling desirable when we're not around to show each other. It doesn't mean we're going to take advantage of every sexual opportunity we encounter. We've actually both agreed that it's made us appreciate each other more; you learn in a hurry just how shallow and empty and superficial so many guys on there can be. And we've met a bunch of other gay couples and single friends on there with like minds, so friendship isn't out of the ordinary.
    Bottom line: If he says he needs to do it to be happy, and you want him to be happy, let him, UNLESS him having it is a deal breaker for you, then let him know that. He can make his decision based on the consequences. If he's going to cheat, he's going to regardless of whether he tells you about it or not. The fact that he's told you when you're nowhere near him to "catch" him says a lot.
    It always amuses me when people ask "Aren't you worried he'll meet someone he likes more than you/sex is better with/etc". My response is always the same: If all it takes is an orgasm to trump what we have then I'd rather know sooner than later. The only thing worse than being guilted into a relationship, is guilting someone into one.
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    Sep 16, 2015 11:56 AM GMT
    These last two points seem like sage advice - good luck - and BE HONEST with yourself and your partner.
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    Sep 16, 2015 1:29 PM GMT
    jerbear89 saidGrindr has been very healthy for my boyfriend and I (we're "open", although I prefer "mature adults"). We've also been doing long distance for a while, 1.5 years, with varying distances. I've slept with one other guy during this time, which my boyfriend knows about. He's slept with a few more than that, but I told him when we met that I didn't want him to feel trapped in any way since neither of us had intended for it to develop into a serious relationship. He'd just ended a 6 year one and I wanted him to feel safe and comfortable exploring things sexually if he so chose.
    Being on Grindr allows us to keep ourselves entertained and feeling desirable when we're not around to show each other. It doesn't mean we're going to take advantage of every sexual opportunity we encounter. We've actually both agreed that it's made us appreciate each other more; you learn in a hurry just how shallow and empty and superficial so many guys on there can be. And we've met a bunch of other gay couples and single friends on there with like minds, so friendship isn't out of the ordinary.
    Bottom line: If he says he needs to do it to be happy, and you want him to be happy, let him, UNLESS him having it is a deal breaker for you, then let him know that. He can make his decision based on the consequences. If he's going to cheat, he's going to regardless of whether he tells you about it or not. The fact that he's told you when you're nowhere near him to "catch" him says a lot.
    It always amuses me when people ask "Aren't you worried he'll meet someone he likes more than you/sex is better with/etc". My response is always the same: If all it takes is an orgasm to trump what we have then I'd rather know sooner than later. The only thing worse than being guilted into a relationship, is guilting someone into one.

    Sounds like you don't have a boyfriend as much as a FWB who lives a distance away. Stop fooling yourself and seek therapy.
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    Sep 16, 2015 4:23 PM GMT
    smartmoney said
    jerbear89 saidGrindr has been very healthy for my boyfriend and I (we're "open", although I prefer "mature adults"). We've also been doing long distance for a while, 1.5 years, with varying distances. I've slept with one other guy during this time, which my boyfriend knows about. He's slept with a few more than that, but I told him when we met that I didn't want him to feel trapped in any way since neither of us had intended for it to develop into a serious relationship. He'd just ended a 6 year one and I wanted him to feel safe and comfortable exploring things sexually if he so chose.
    Being on Grindr allows us to keep ourselves entertained and feeling desirable when we're not around to show each other. It doesn't mean we're going to take advantage of every sexual opportunity we encounter. We've actually both agreed that it's made us appreciate each other more; you learn in a hurry just how shallow and empty and superficial so many guys on there can be. And we've met a bunch of other gay couples and single friends on there with like minds, so friendship isn't out of the ordinary.
    Bottom line: If he says he needs to do it to be happy, and you want him to be happy, let him, UNLESS him having it is a deal breaker for you, then let him know that. He can make his decision based on the consequences. If he's going to cheat, he's going to regardless of whether he tells you about it or not. The fact that he's told you when you're nowhere near him to "catch" him says a lot.
    It always amuses me when people ask "Aren't you worried he'll meet someone he likes more than you/sex is better with/etc". My response is always the same: If all it takes is an orgasm to trump what we have then I'd rather know sooner than later. The only thing worse than being guilted into a relationship, is guilting someone into one.

    Sounds like you don't have a boyfriend as much as a FWB who lives a distance away. Stop fooling yourself and seek therapy.


    Laughing.gif

    #dying
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    Sep 16, 2015 6:06 PM GMT
    paulflexes said
    platypusninetytwo saidGrindr and monogamous relationship
    That's gotta be the biggest oxymoron I've ever seen in a thread title. icon_lol.gif


    *This*
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    Sep 16, 2015 7:36 PM GMT
    smartmoneySounds like you don't have a boyfriend as much as a FWB who lives a distance away. Stop fooling yourself and seek therapy.


    I'm impressed, smartmoney. From one post that didn't coincide with your own personal views and opinions on what a boyfriend/relationship should be, you've assessed that I need therapy.icon_rolleyes.gif
    The definition of a relationship changes from couple to couple. Quite frankly, the relationship I have with my bf is working out much better than I could've ever hoped given the distance aparticon_biggrin.gif. It is also working out a lot better than a large number of gay AND straight relationships that constantly fight to maintain a sense of security and fidelity.
    Neither me nor my partner believe in monogamy for the rest of our lives, and we've developed an honest and open portal of communication to facilitate this. I don't appreciate your ignorant retort; just because it wouldn't work for you doesn't mean it won't work for someone else. Hence the #1 reason relationships fail: compatibility. Why do people cheat/lie/sneak around/live their life being unhappy or insecure instead of moving on to someone they don't have to hide from? I am confident that if anything ever arose in my relationship that I genuinely was not ok with my bf would not hesitate to remove it from the equation.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Sep 16, 2015 7:44 PM GMT
    I think the correct path is to tell him you're uncomfortable with him having Grindr but that you trust him. Someday, you'll need to make yourself totally vulnerable to being hurt and that will be the day when you start falling in love. Given your history with this guy, I think you're at that point now. So your choices are to trust him or end the relationship. Stop analyzing words and be the guy he wants to be faithful to. Long distance relationships are hard to maintain. We adults like to have sex. Are there plans to get together at some point?
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    Sep 16, 2015 9:28 PM GMT
    jerbear89 said
    smartmoneySounds like you don't have a boyfriend as much as a FWB who lives a distance away. Stop fooling yourself and seek therapy.


    I'm impressed, smartmoney. From one post that didn't coincide with your own personal views and opinions on what a boyfriend/relationship should be, you've assessed that I need therapy.icon_rolleyes.gif
    The definition of a relationship changes from couple to couple. Quite frankly, the relationship I have with my bf is working out much better than I could've ever hoped given the distance aparticon_biggrin.gif. It is also working out a lot better than a large number of gay AND straight relationships that constantly fight to maintain a sense of security and fidelity.
    Neither me nor my partner believe in monogamy for the rest of our lives, and we've developed an honest and open portal of communication to facilitate this. I don't appreciate your ignorant retort; just because it wouldn't work for you doesn't mean it won't work for someone else. Hence the #1 reason relationships fail: compatibility. Why do people cheat/lie/sneak around/live their life being unhappy or insecure instead of moving on to someone they don't have to hide from? I am confident that if anything ever arose in my relationship that I genuinely was not ok with my bf would not hesitate to remove it from the equation.

    Therapy is going to cost you plenty because you're so self absorbed and without editing abilities. Still, I stand by what I said, you should seek therapy.

  • Sep 17, 2015 12:49 AM GMT
    Destinharbor saidI think the correct path is to tell him you're uncomfortable with him having Grindr but that you trust him. Someday, you'll need to make yourself totally vulnerable to being hurt and that will be the day when you start falling in love. Given your history with this guy, I think you're at that point now. So your choices are to trust him or end the relationship. Stop analyzing words and be the guy he wants to be faithful to. Long distance relationships are hard to maintain. We adults like to have sex. Are there plans to get together at some point?


    Yes, we have long reached that point of falling in love with one another. We do plan on finally closing the distance once I am done with my degree in a year and a half. We already have made future plans/discussed plans for the holidays and vacation time. I am going to take this approach and tell him "it makes me uncomfortable but I trust him." I'm not going to try to control his actions and force him to change; I can only control my own actions. It all comes down to trust. Until then, I'm going to be a great boyfriend that I am. Live and let live, I guess.

    -----

    Until then, I will keep this thread open in the meantime and post updates as time goes on.

    Thank you all.