in love with a cheater :(

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 15, 2015 5:40 PM GMT
    the tittle.

    This thread is for people who are going through or have been through this.

    how do you cope with it.

    being in a relationship with a guy that cheats.

    being in love with someone that cheats.

    he is perfect, basically.

    we understand each other perfectly.

    but.


    ...how would you deal with this?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 15, 2015 5:44 PM GMT
    How do you deal with it?

    You leave his sorry ass, hun. That's it.
  • Oceans_of_Flo...

    Posts: 393

    Sep 15, 2015 6:12 PM GMT

    The use of the word perfect by you is very telling. It raises flags. First, why do you need anything to be perfect, and why would you attach such a word to a person, something that can never be perfect, and last, why would you say you understand him perfectly when just before you said he cheats? I'll skip to the problem: you need a good guy, an all right guy, I'll give you, fantastic, a fantastic guy, but when you start describing your squeeze as perfect, either he is lying to you or you're lying to yourself.
    He's cheating on you? I've got a fantastic solution.

  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Sep 15, 2015 6:28 PM GMT
    Watch the movie "She-Devil." It will tell you what to do...
  • metta

    Posts: 39165

    Sep 15, 2015 6:46 PM GMT
    I have not experienced that but my suggestion is to...

    Love yourself more!


    You can love again. Love is not limited.
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Sep 15, 2015 7:16 PM GMT
    Males have a natural inclination to be NON monogamous.
    That would seem to indicate that YOU are the one with a problem, namely jealousy, an incurable mental illness.
    The only option you have is to throw away your perfectly wonderful guy, and go out looking for someone who also prefers to be monogamous (or so he says), regardless of his dearth of other wonderful qualities.

  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Sep 15, 2015 7:24 PM GMT
    Webster666 saidMales have a natural inclination to be NON monogamous.
    That would seem to indicate that YOU are the one with a problem, namely jealousy, an incurable mental illness.
    The only option you have is to throw away your perfectly wonderful guy, and go out looking for someone who also prefers to be monogamous (or so he says), regardless of his dearth of other wonderful qualities.


    I'm so glad my husband and I share the same "mental illness." It's the best!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 15, 2015 7:25 PM GMT
    Cheat back.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Sep 15, 2015 7:28 PM GMT
    DOMINUS saidCheat back.

    Probably won't have the same effect...
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    Sep 15, 2015 9:39 PM GMT
    I've never had to cope with this issue for far too long, since we would no longer be together after he has told me/ I find out.

    A man who cheats on you does not love you. So for me it was a lot easier letting go. You can play passive and play the victim, or you can be progressive and take matters into your own hands. No one should ever feel suppressed in their relationship to the point where only one person decides who's able to leave it.

    Oh and also stop fantasizing about the life you could have had with this man. Because a life with a cheater isn't a life at all. It's just a lie.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 15, 2015 10:01 PM GMT
    Make it a competition to see who can cheat with the hottest guys.

    Post pics here.
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3534

    Sep 15, 2015 10:18 PM GMT
    tell cheaters they dont get second chances before the relationship.
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    Sep 15, 2015 10:45 PM GMT
    DOMINUS saidCheat back.

    Wrong advice! That will only make him feel like shit.

    Look, I've been in your position, where you're willing to give up certain things to continue with the relationship but the other part won't do the same. It sucks but you can't make them change. In my case we parted ways and even it still sucks to this day I know it was for the best. You gotta move on with someone who is willing to give as much as you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 15, 2015 11:29 PM GMT
    I like Paul's advice. icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 16, 2015 8:19 AM GMT
    thanks metta. it all comes down to it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 16, 2015 9:00 AM GMT
    Webster666 saidMales have a natural inclination to be NON monogamous.
    The only option you have is to throw away your perfectly wonderful guy, and go out looking for someone who also prefers to be monogamous (or so he says), regardless of his dearth of other wonderful qualities.



    that's what I'm saying.

    Doesn't everyfuckingbody do it? some people are more honest about it and decide to be in an open relationship, and some are just hypocrite and pretend they are as virtuous as a frigging catholic saint when in reality, well.

    The guy i am with won't admit it.

    i'm not an idiot that will begin a relationship with anyone. but you guys have no idea the things this guy did for me.

    we get along perfectly well, he's caring, affectionate, loving, has a job, owns a house, he's never violent, he's very much balanced, he looks like a fckn calvin klein model, tall blondish handsome amazing body like a realjocker. and he is versatile.

    he has a flaw/weakness. no one is perfect.

    and cheating usually is a deal breaker.

    normally i would have said au revoir, in this situation, but this is different.



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 16, 2015 9:06 AM GMT
    David666k said
    DOMINUS saidCheat back.

    Wrong advice! That will only make him feel like shit.

    Look, I've been in your position, where you're willing to give up certain things to continue with the relationship but the other part won't do the same. It sucks but you can't make them change. In my case we parted ways and even it still sucks to this day I know it was for the best. You gotta move on with someone who is willing to give as much as you.


    thanks, I keep telling myself that.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 16, 2015 1:33 PM GMT
    think of the risks to your health
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 16, 2015 2:55 PM GMT
    pellaz saidthink of the risks to your health


    Exactly, think of the all guys who have contracted HIV from cheating partners. Think of breaking it off with him as protecting your health - like jogging or going to the gym - just one of those unpleasant things you have to do.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Sep 16, 2015 3:57 PM GMT
    If his cheating was a one time thing, I'd say give him room to be faulty. Real people make mistakes. Your guy is NOT perfect. I assume from what you said that you have already had a conversation or argument about it and he denies the whole thing. If you love him, try to understand him. Either you are wrong and he's being honest about it, or, he did the deed and is too embarrassed to admit it.

    Do you ever wonder why there are so many single guys out there? Sex with someone new (I call it wanting strange) is loads of fun. But you make rules in a relationship and some need monogamy. Some want open. And there's many variations between the two. If you need monogamy, stop worrying about what you think he did and simply, lovingly let him know. That is how you get past it.

    There are a thousand judgmental pricks on this site and 90% are single because they're too stupid or childish to understand that real relationships aren't always smooth. It is tough making it work. It is always easy to run.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 16, 2015 5:09 PM GMT
    It is absolutely fucking hilarious seeing cheaters, players and guys in open relationships come to this thread and try to alleviate or project their own inner guilt or conviction by convincing the OP that it's either his problem completely or he's overreacting to being cheated on.

    It's so fucking obvious how these replies are practically self serving rather than a genuine interest in the OP's predicament.

    To the OP, the fact that you made a thread about it clearly shows that it's affected you and generally speaking, as with majority of the world, you don't have to make excuses for or tolerate a cheater just because he doesn't have enough intelligence and/or strong will to keep it in his pants.

    If you've both communicated you want to be open then whatever that's up to the both of you.
    Judging from your other replies in this thread though it seems you've already confronted him about it and he's denying it.

    So he's lied to your face, clearly behind your back due to cheating, and is a coward for not facing up to something you already know about him.
    Love doesn't automatically make him a good guy and the truth is there are a lot of people who are in love with really shit guys.
    Trust is super important and it seems he's taking yours for granted and is also not even reciprocating it back.

    Ask yourself what you want.
    If being in an open relationship is not okay with you, then this guy is a bad investment simply because he's going to cheat again since he can't even admit it now, and the most that might come from this is turning it into an open relationship.

    Is it worth it to:
    A) Stick with him and just desensitise yourself to the pain he'll cause you by just accepting that he's going to keep cheating and lying or

    B) Disregard what you want out of a relationship by just completely accommodating for his want to be open (if he finally admits it and if monogamy is what you want)

    Either way it seems like all the compromise will have to come from you and he's not meeting you half way (again that's if monogamy is what you're after).
    I mean yes compromise will have to happen in all relationships but I don't see how he'll be meeting you half way when he's fucking other guys either to your face or behind your back.

    At the end of the day, you have to prioritise what's more important to you.

    Stories like these remind me why I feel I made the absolute right decision to stay single, especially after seeing some of the responses here.

    OP with all honesty I wish you all the best in whatever happens, just remember that time wasted is time wasted.
    You can never get back the time that is wasted on people who don't value your time.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 16, 2015 5:58 PM GMT
    Destinharbor saidIf his cheating was a one time thing, I'd say give him room to be faulty. Real people make mistakes. Your guy is NOT perfect. I assume from what you said that you have already had a conversation or argument about it and he denies the whole thing. If you love him, try to understand him. Either you are wrong and he's being honest about it, or, he did the deed and is too embarrassed to admit it.

    Do you ever wonder why there are so many single guys out there? Sex with someone new (I call it wanting strange) is loads of fun. But you make rules in a relationship and some need monogamy. Some want open. And there's many variations between the two. If you need monogamy, stop worrying about what you think he did and simply, lovingly let him know. That is how you get past it.

    There are a thousand judgmental pricks on this site and 90% are single because they're too stupid or childish to understand that real relationships aren't always smooth. It is tough making it work. It is always easy to run.

    Not everyone likes sex with a stranger. I would any day choose to have sex with just one person whom I have some sort of connection and intimacy. I was dating this guy for a while, and even though we never talked about being exclusive, I never found myself in the mood to have sex with someone else. It's just not due to the fact that I was having sex with him all the time, but I couldn't make myself do it.
    You don't need to be in a relationship where both of the partners are not on the same page. For you, cheating might not be an issue, but for many it's a really big issue. So judging all those 90% pricks who decide to stay single and not bear the emotional scar of cheaters, doesn't make you look very mature either. The thing is you would never understand something which doesn't affect you in the same way as it does for someone else.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 16, 2015 7:37 PM GMT
    ^ I was gonna say that I just read an article on Psychology today that said that it's been tested that casual sex is actually pretty uncomfortable for most people -unless you're drunk- in spite of all of the massive media and tv messages being thrown at people all the time. and doing it often generates some psychological issues, esp. in teenagers, such as low self esteem etc.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Sep 16, 2015 7:54 PM GMT
    patito said
    Webster666 saidMales have a natural inclination to be NON monogamous.
    The only option you have is to throw away your perfectly wonderful guy, and go out looking for someone who also prefers to be monogamous (or so he says), regardless of his dearth of other wonderful qualities.



    that's what I'm saying.

    Doesn't everyfuckingbody do it? some people are more honest about it and decide to be in an open relationship, and some are just hypocrite and pretend they are as virtuous as a frigging catholic saint when in reality, well.

    The guy i am with won't admit it.

    i'm not an idiot that will begin a relationship with anyone. but you guys have no idea the things this guy did for me.

    we get along perfectly well, he's caring, affectionate, loving, has a job, owns a house, he's never violent, he's very much balanced, he looks like a fckn calvin klein model, tall blondish handsome amazing body like a realjocker. and he is versatile.

    he has a flaw/weakness. no one is perfect.

    and cheating usually is a deal breaker.

    normally i would have said au revoir, in this situation, but this is different.




    He must work hard to have that body you love. I would suggest joining him in his workouts and maybe creating some added chemistry.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Sep 16, 2015 8:16 PM GMT
    __morphic__ said
    Destinharbor saidIf his cheating was a one time thing, I'd say give him room to be faulty. Real people make mistakes. Your guy is NOT perfect. I assume from what you said that you have already had a conversation or argument about it and he denies the whole thing. If you love him, try to understand him. Either you are wrong and he's being honest about it, or, he did the deed and is too embarrassed to admit it.

    Do you ever wonder why there are so many single guys out there? Sex with someone new (I call it wanting strange) is loads of fun. But you make rules in a relationship and some need monogamy. Some want open. And there's many variations between the two. If you need monogamy, stop worrying about what you think he did and simply, lovingly let him know. That is how you get past it.

    There are a thousand judgmental pricks on this site and 90% are single because they're too stupid or childish to understand that real relationships aren't always smooth. It is tough making it work. It is always easy to run.

    Not everyone likes sex with a stranger. I would any day choose to have sex with just one person whom I have some sort of connection and intimacy. I was dating this guy for a while, and even though we never talked about being exclusive, I never found myself in the mood to have sex with someone else. It's just not due to the fact that I was having sex with him all the time, but I couldn't make myself do it.
    You don't need to be in a relationship where both of the partners are not on the same page. For you, cheating might not be an issue, but for many it's a really big issue. So judging all those 90% pricks who decide to stay single and not bear the emotional scar of cheaters, doesn't make you look very mature either. The thing is you would never understand something which doesn't affect you in the same way as it does for someone else.


    I didn't say he should stay with a cheater. I simply find it curious how quickly so many single guys jump to the answer of dump him. I think that is because they can't make the jump to the idea that there's another person on the other side of the relationship that has ups and downs and triumphs and disasters. If you love someone, you give him space to make a mistake and then cover his back. If you won't do that for your guy, you either don't love him or aren't capable of love. I frankly find it odd that for you the big win is monogamous love but you choose to be single because... why? You fear the emotional scar of finding out your (hypothetical) guy is a cheater? I understand the value and difference of making love to a guy you love. I've got it. Doesn't mean I lose all sexual attraction to all other men. Whether I act on it is a different matter but life would be pretty bland if I didn't get turned on by some hot guy that crosses my path.