Am I interpreting mixed messages wrong? Or does is this guy actually just wanting to take things slow?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 17, 2015 10:51 AM GMT
    So background to this is that I met a guy through mutual friends. He is one of the sweetest guys you will ever meet (and in an actual way, I'm not just love drunk, one of his friends said she'd ruin my life if I hurt him)

    Anyway we went on a date. It was nice. Not a single awkward moment over the entire night. Went back to his place, he drove me home in the morning (sweetness thing again).

    Anyway he did make it clear he wasn't ready to dive into a relationship or anything. I was burned pretty hard by a guy earlier this year and feel the same. Anyway, we decide to meet for coffee. I wasn't 100% sure if he meant 'meet for coffee' in the Friends kind of way or 'meet for coffee' in the 'lets never talk again kind of way.

    So we decided Thursday would be good. I just went about my business as normal until about 3.30 when I texted him and said 'I guess if I have coffee now I'll be up all night, it's all ok though' thinking that it was a no-go and I should just move on. Then he turns the table and makes plans for Saturday.

    I know through mutual friend gossip that he is really shy about any kind of relationships, but at the same time I've been done over by the flaky plans that never eventuate too many times to count.

    Should I put my faith in this one guy, simply because I know he's a bit anxious about dating and I know he's 100% genuine in what he says (or what his friends think, at least)?

    It's all ruminating through my head. I was hoping that if we were having a coffee date he might plan it instead of relying on me just so I would know it's not a one-sided 'lets be friends' scenario, while another part of me also thinks that he has a shy and sensitive side that he doesn't show to a lot of people and was just nervous.

    Sorry for the spiel, I just needed to figure out my own side of the scenario, but at the same time, what do you guys think?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 17, 2015 11:37 AM GMT
    I think you are taking things a bit too fast. Being hurt in a previous relationship one always sort of wants to fill a void, but make sure your wounds are perfectly healed. Otherwise you may find yourself looking for personality traits of your previous lover in this new friend of yours, this won't work and you will end up scaring him off. He already told you he does not want to dive into a relationship (these are normally tell-tale signs of 'Well the one-night-stand was better'). He may just want a fling, who knows. I always say, never have sex on the first date, first get to know the guy, it is difficult as we all have urges. Especially when we get into heated, intimate situations. The best would be now is to meet for coffee, then arrange another date. Maybe eating somewhere or taking in a movie. If on the second date he seems withdrawn in anyway or allows you to make all the plans. Well, then sad to say, you were his fling and his one-night-stand. Best is to pop the question so you know where you stand, ask him if he would like to be friends. Then well see where it goes from there.
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    Sep 17, 2015 12:29 PM GMT
    I understand where you are coming from. That is why I allowed him to make the plans for our coffee date that didn't eventuate.

    In terms of personality traits this guy is the antithesis of my ex. That said, from the way he talks to me, in person or via text, it does seem that he actually wants something more, he is just being more cautious than I am. We were both up front from the beginning about not diving into anything serious, he wants to be friends, and I want to be his friend. This would be our second 'date' and more than a week after the first.

    All of my past serious relationships that lasted the distance started out as friends.

    I guess i'm just confused. He obviously wants something more than a one night stand, but then again I have no gauge as to what he actually wants at this point.

    I guess actually talking to him is the best option, but as I said, he is a bit shy about these things and I don't want to be completely blunt.

    What would be the best way of asking a guy like this what he really wants?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 17, 2015 1:41 PM GMT
    I would give him time to sort it all out for himself. Some guys are more deliberate and deliberative than others when it comes to intimate relationships, and their slow pace is not necessarily indicative of lack of interest. Good luck and I hope everything turns out to your liking.
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    Sep 17, 2015 2:04 PM GMT
    Too soon to put all your eggs in one basket., so no, do not put your faith in this one guy. Meet more guys. Go on many dates with different guys. Don't fixate on him. But continue to be open to dates with him. Even call or text him from time to time to see if he's open to hanging out. If he's shy and hesitant about relationships you don't want to come on too strong or you'll scare him off.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 17, 2015 2:16 PM GMT
    Dude.....you've had one date and you're already rushing things. You're going to scare this guy away before you even see him again if you don't distract your brain. You have to allow some time to pass in the beginning and allow the other person to miss you. If you're obsessed with him, he will pick up on it even without seeing you. They know when you're obsessed; they just know. And there is no bigger turn off, especially considering what you've told us about his personality.

    And no offense, but this line is a bit troubling: "All of my past serious relationships that lasted the distance started out as friends." You're 22 years old. What "distance" could there have possibly been?

    I've had so many fantastic dates with guys that were so anxious for a second date that it just killed my interest. It's a lot of pressure to feel like someone is so into you so quickly. It makes them seem desperate. (I know you're not desperate but that's the impression it can give.) Enjoy the moment and stop living in the future. Don't contact him for a week or two and just see if he reaches out to you. Trust me on this.
  • ABPinDallas

    Posts: 9

    Sep 17, 2015 2:32 PM GMT
    Get out of your head and into your heart. Don't get involved in needless gossip about him from others. Don't game play the dude or yourself. Like others have said to you, keep in touch with him, but even if you think you are a one man guy, meet other people and date them too. If he cares he'll damn sure let you know especially if you casually let him know you have "plans" on a day when he'd like to meet up - this isn't game playing, you are telling him the truth. Good luck!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 17, 2015 4:21 PM GMT
    Radd saidDude.....you've had one date and you're already rushing things. You're going to scare this guy away before you even see him again if you don't distract your brain. You have to allow some time to pass in the beginning and allow the other person to miss you. If you're obsessed with him, he will pick up on it even without seeing you. They know when you're obsessed; they just know. And there is no bigger turn off, especially considering what you've told us about his personality.

    And no offense, but this line is a bit troubling: "All of my past serious relationships that lasted the distance started out as friends." You're 22 years old. What "distance" could there have possibly been?

    I've had so many fantastic dates with guys that were so anxious for a second date that it just killed my interest. It's a lot of pressure to feel like someone is so into you so quickly. It makes them seem desperate. (I know you're not desperate but that's the impression it can give.) Enjoy the moment and stop living in the future. Don't contact him for a week or two and just see if he reaches out to you. Trust me on this.


    +1


  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Sep 17, 2015 4:57 PM GMT
    I say don't ever turn your back on love. (Janis Joplin) Why all the strategy? If you like the guy, be with him. See where it goes. See who he is. I know you've checked him out some but you don't know him, not really. Don't push him but don't play games either. Just let him get to know you and you him. Life isn't so complicated. And I was never a play the field guy and never liked being with guys who were. That may work for some but it never did for me and I suspect isn't your stye either. Just be yourself and be honest about your thoughts. You won't likely scare him off. And if you do, well he wasn't the guy for you. But he may be. And you may be the guy for him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 17, 2015 6:44 PM GMT
    Youre overthinking this and investing too much energy into him. When you do this, it never works..and I know it can be hard to stop, but just relax. Keep your options open and go with the flow. Don't try to force it, thatll only set you up for failure.
  • bro4bro

    Posts: 1033

    Sep 17, 2015 7:48 PM GMT
    NeoMac saidAll of my past serious relationships that lasted the distance started out as friends.


    Dude - you're 22! How many "serious" relationships can you possibly have had? And what does "lasted the distance" mean?

    Others have already said it...

    SLLLOOOOWWWWWWWW DOWWWWNNNNNNNN!!!!!!
  • mindblank

    Posts: 275

    Sep 17, 2015 8:30 PM GMT
    NeoMac said
    So we decided Thursday would be good. I just went about my business as normal until about 3.30 when I texted him and said 'I guess if I have coffee now I'll be up all night, it's all ok though' thinking that it was a no-go and I should just move on. Then he turns the table and makes plans for Saturday.


    I must have read that wrong because it seems to me like you put him off meaning that you are more of a flake than him? Despite your flakiness he still seems keen? What's the problem? Don't ask strangers about your love life, how are we supposed to know dude, lol. Just meet and see what happens, don't overthink it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 18, 2015 1:39 PM GMT
    Destinharbor saidI say don't ever turn your back on love. (Janis Joplin) Why all the strategy? If you like the guy, be with him. See where it goes. See who he is. I know you've checked him out some but you don't know him, not really. Don't push him but don't play games either. Just let him get to know you and you him. Life isn't so complicated. And I was never a play the field guy and never liked being with guys who were. That may work for some but it never did for me and I suspect isn't your stye either. Just be yourself and be honest about your thoughts. You won't likely scare him off. And if you do, well he wasn't the guy for you. But he may be. And you may be the guy for him.


    I honestly think this is the best advice I've been given. I guess if it works it works, if it doesn't, it doesn't
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 18, 2015 1:44 PM GMT
    Radd saidDude.....you've had one date and you're already rushing things. You're going to scare this guy away before you even see him again if you don't distract your brain. You have to allow some time to pass in the beginning and allow the other person to miss you. If you're obsessed with him, he will pick up on it even without seeing you. They know when you're obsessed; they just know. And there is no bigger turn off, especially considering what you've told us about his personality.

    And no offense, but this line is a bit troubling: "All of my past serious relationships that lasted the distance started out as friends." You're 22 years old. What "distance" could there have possibly been?

    I've had so many fantastic dates with guys that were so anxious for a second date that it just killed my interest. It's a lot of pressure to feel like someone is so into you so quickly. It makes them seem desperate. (I know you're not desperate but that's the impression it can give.) Enjoy the moment and stop living in the future. Don't contact him for a week or two and just see if he reaches out to you. Trust me on this.


    I live in New Zealand. I've been out since I was 12. When I say 'last the distance' I mean 4-5 years. Maybe it's a different perspective to the other guys on this forum, but for me high school/ college relationships were the same as for straight couples here.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 18, 2015 4:49 PM GMT
    NeoMac said
    Radd saidDude.....you've had one date and you're already rushing things. You're going to scare this guy away before you even see him again if you don't distract your brain. You have to allow some time to pass in the beginning and allow the other person to miss you. If you're obsessed with him, he will pick up on it even without seeing you. They know when you're obsessed; they just know. And there is no bigger turn off, especially considering what you've told us about his personality.

    And no offense, but this line is a bit troubling: "All of my past serious relationships that lasted the distance started out as friends." You're 22 years old. What "distance" could there have possibly been?

    I've had so many fantastic dates with guys that were so anxious for a second date that it just killed my interest. It's a lot of pressure to feel like someone is so into you so quickly. It makes them seem desperate. (I know you're not desperate but that's the impression it can give.) Enjoy the moment and stop living in the future. Don't contact him for a week or two and just see if he reaches out to you. Trust me on this.


    I live in New Zealand. I've been out since I was 12. When I say 'last the distance' I mean 4-5 years. Maybe it's a different perspective to the other guys on this forum, but for me high school/ college relationships were the same as for straight couples here.



    I can relate. I've been out since before puberty myself. I apologize if I came across as patronizing. Not many guys can relate to being out as long as you and I. And a lot of people don't realize it's possible to have a "relationship" at such a young age. Not the kind of relationships an adult would have but not that different either.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Sep 18, 2015 5:09 PM GMT
    NeoMac said
    Destinharbor saidI say don't ever turn your back on love. (Janis Joplin) Why all the strategy? If you like the guy, be with him. See where it goes. See who he is. I know you've checked him out some but you don't know him, not really. Don't push him but don't play games either. Just let him get to know you and you him. Life isn't so complicated. And I was never a play the field guy and never liked being with guys who were. That may work for some but it never did for me and I suspect isn't your stye either. Just be yourself and be honest about your thoughts. You won't likely scare him off. And if you do, well he wasn't the guy for you. But he may be. And you may be the guy for him.


    I honestly think this is the best advice I've been given. I guess if it works it works, if it doesn't, it doesn't

    I agree. The other advice seems to be saying to play games, but when does the game end?

    If he really liked you the way he should then he'd be excited to see you. His feelings sound tepid, and you're better off with someone who is really into you right off the bat.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 18, 2015 7:25 PM GMT
    Sounds like the original poster has issues with communications and doesn't understand relationship building.

    You should seek a professional's help to work through it.
  • roadbikeRob

    Posts: 14336

    Sep 19, 2015 12:15 PM GMT
    ocjockca said
    Radd saidDude.....you've had one date and you're already rushing things. You're going to scare this guy away before you even see him again if you don't distract your brain. You have to allow some time to pass in the beginning and allow the other person to miss you. If you're obsessed with him, he will pick up on it even without seeing you. They know when you're obsessed; they just know. And there is no bigger turn off, especially considering what you've told us about his personality.

    And no offense, but this line is a bit troubling: "All of my past serious relationships that lasted the distance started out as friends." You're 22 years old. What "distance" could there have possibly been?

    I've had so many fantastic dates with guys that were so anxious for a second date that it just killed my interest. It's a lot of pressure to feel like someone is so into you so quickly. It makes them seem desperate. (I know you're not desperate but that's the impression it can give.) Enjoy the moment and stop living in the future. Don't contact him for a week or two and just see if he reaches out to you. Trust me on this.


    +1


    +2
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 19, 2015 6:47 PM GMT
    You are really not taking any of our advice, are you? Every time you keep saying you really have a crush on this guy. Well, it seems to be going well so far. Just be cautious my friend. Follow your heart, but also use your brain and don't think with your dick. Good luck!