A bleak future

  • giodude

    Posts: 271

    Sep 19, 2015 5:16 PM GMT
    This year was supposed to be the year that i escaped the social tyranny of small town people and come to the big city, and simply be me. I was pretty naive in expecting romance to come easy, and still have had no romantic interactions with anyone. I've kind of just come to terms with that, until now

    SO my mom, who has been single for sixteen years, drops the "i have a potential boyfriend: bomb shell on me. I couldn't really sleep well that evening - huge mental adjustment. Of course externally I give her my full support. I don't give away that this entire paradigm shift is affecting me in any way. But (and i know this sounds selfish, because it probably is), i became upset at myself because my mother is a close to fifty year old woman with two kids who actively conveys to people she is not interested in a relationship, yet she finally managed to find someone. I kind of had this plan in my mind that this year was my year, the year that i eventually got to meet someone special instead of constantly witnessing my straight privileged friends have all the fun, and the only thing that's changed s that now i see gay and straight people enjoy themselves. And jut=st when I've resolved to let myself and those around me be, my mo gets herself a boyfriend - why am i less desirable than a middle aged lady? Don't get me wrong, my mom is an attractive woman, people don't think she is anywhere near forty, but I still feel shittier than ever knowing that I'm in a huge city and even here not a single person even thinks that worth the effort of getting to know beyond a friend.

    I really don't feel like i'm ever going to be anything to anyone, especially after speaking to a friend of mine who is also gay and quite attractive - he said his longest relationship has been a month. A month Is that what I'm letting myself in for Today is the worst i've felt in a while, and I really really wish, for the first time in my life that i just was not gay, just so I could be a little bit happier.

    So that's my emotional vent for the next while
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 19, 2015 5:30 PM GMT
    Sweetie, there is someone out there for everybody.

    Hell, Charles Manson has romantic interests. Having a boyfriend or girlfriend doesn't validate your existence because guess what? Once that relationship ends they are right back at step 1....

    The right one will come in time....but whatever you do...DON'T SETTLE!!!!
  • giodude

    Posts: 271

    Sep 19, 2015 5:37 PM GMT
    thanks for the reply man

    It's just an entire identity thing i'm going through right now. I hung out with two gay guys and a mutual friend last night. The guy worked on my nerves as usual, and we visited gay scenes in cape town and i felt so out of place. Guys don't pay attention to me, even glance at me. I mean, even if say something like "excuse me, i just need to get through" they look at me like I've sworn at them. Gay guys don't pay any attention to me, and i just don't fit into the gay scene in whatsoever. I just feel very disconnected and unwanted.

    I won't settle for a relationship, but it would be nice to know that someone out there wants one with me, that i'm attractive to someone and worthwhile talking to.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 19, 2015 5:40 PM GMT
    You are just going through growing pains right now....we ALL have been there trust me. What you are experience is nothing unusual....


  • metta

    Posts: 39126

    Sep 20, 2015 5:16 AM GMT
    "A Youth Group meets on a monthly basis at OUT and is open to youth aged 18-35 years. The aim is to create a safe and affirming space for youth to share experiences and to provide support. A specific theme catering to the needs of LGBTI youth will be addressed in each session. Please contact Brian Sibeko on 012 430 3272 for more information ( sibekob@out.org.za)."


    http://www.out.org.za/index.php/what-s-hot/services/173-psychosocial-support-services



    PFLAG
    http://pflagsouthafrica.org/
  • interesting

    Posts: 573

    Sep 20, 2015 5:23 AM GMT
    I'm sorry that you're experiencing this, you look young, so I'm suspecting that since you just came to the big city, nothing will happen right away. What may feel like forever is in fact a small moment in time, I think it just feels forever is because you're concentrating on it.

    I suspect a lot of us went through this, uncertainty, loneliness, confusion, and depression. I think the moments when we feel really down, everything around us seems to collapse, it's normal. For me, when I opened my circle up a bit, guys start to pay attention, and I only went to a bar twice during Pride.

    Trust me, just be yourself, and soon you'll be swatting guys away like flies, eventually they'll come. But concentrating on it will just make it worse.
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    Sep 20, 2015 2:25 PM GMT
    I can very much relate to your post, and have a question for you.

    How do you look when you are in a setting like that? Do you look like you're having fun, or do you look scared or annoyed? What are you doing with your body: your arms, in particular. Are you closing yourself off, or keeping yourself open to possibilities?

    I'm asking this because I was told by a complete stranger that I looked miserable. I was in a bar in a strange city while on vacation with a friend of mine, thinking I was completely invisible as you describe, and this young guy randomly says hi to me and starts talking. He is not what I would have thought of then as particularly handsome, but he definitely put work into his look and was well-presented. He told me had been watching me for a while and that I was never going to meet anybody with an expression like I was at my dog's funeral.

    It was the best advice someone could have given me for the dating world... even if you're not loving your current social scene, don't advertise that. Take in the music, look at who is in the room (point guys out to your friends, or whatever, to stay engaged), make eye contact, and SMILE. You need to look like someone that people will feel like they need to know.

    Instead of meekly asking to get past someone, make a joke of it and engage them in a friendly way. They don't have to be someone you want to marry or even take home with you, just be a part of where you are, and a.) you will enjoy it more and b.) that will be visible to the other people there.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Sep 20, 2015 2:33 PM GMT
    ^so you're saying it's his personality that needs fixing???

    Have you ever posted something funny yourself? Please, be funny. You need to make me laugh before I'll treat you with common courtesy.
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    Sep 20, 2015 2:38 PM GMT
    So if I get this right your mom has been single and probably been looking for someone for close to 16 years and you're a bit jealous because you've been looking for how long, exactly???

    Be happy for your mom. Getting a boyfriend at her age is pretty special and hardly a reflection on you.
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    Sep 20, 2015 2:45 PM GMT
    HottJoe said^so you're saying it's his personality that needs fixing???

    Have you ever posted something funny yourself? Please, be funny. You need to make me laugh before I'll treat you with common courtesy.


    ???? No, I'm saying that people with great personalities sometimes unconsciously use body language that makes them seem unapproachable.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Sep 20, 2015 2:46 PM GMT
    YVRguy saidSo if I get this right your mom has been single and probably been looking for someone for close to 16 years and you're a bit jealous because you've been looking for how long, exactly???

    Be happy for your mom. Getting a boyfriend at her age is pretty special and hardly a reflection on you.

    Tough love, or just a bitchy thing to say to a frustrated 18 year old???

    Maybe you should tell him to workout more and be grateful he's not banned for his sadness.icon_rolleyes.gif
  • giodude

    Posts: 271

    Sep 20, 2015 3:15 PM GMT
    I'm happy for my mother, i truly am. I'm just having a difficult time of making the mental adjustment of sharing my mom with someone else other than my sister, uncle and aunt (her siblings) in a more intimate way.

    What I'm trying to say is, I've watched my friends, even the meanest most miserable people, date and have fun and explore their sexuality since I entered high school. When I was 14 I came out. Rejected by people subtly/not so subtly for four year and a half years. I was looking forward so much to finally being able to live like life like I see my friends doing - having a story to tell or a post to share instead of being the one that is constantly assailed by a plethora of stories of how they meet people and are interested/not interested and their romantic conquests and reading the messages they show me that their boyfriends and girlfriends send them.
    This year was supposed to be the year that I told the stories, and and ranted on about inconsequential prbably false messages/ But instead i was met with more disappointment. Living my life isolated and alone, and then when finally think I've gotten myself out I'm back to square one dampened my spirits, and I took a knock to my self-confidence. I honestly thought that the reason nobody was interested in me was because I lived in a small town with the corresponding mentality. But meeting hordes of people daily and not have a single one think that I'm worth anything more than a friend (I have loads of friends all across the boards - I've made friends from first years to final year students to post grad students and they all seem to like me oodles). I've posted about it before, but I've kind of gotten over it until my mom got a boyfriend and I'm still alone. It just rehashed old wound.

    And I do have a sour facial expression. I physically cannot smile. My mouth is too small to accommodate all of my teeth. I've had to have five removed just to make space for the remaining ones and my wisdom also have thankfully also refused to grow. I physically cannot lift my lips above my tooth line so smiling is a no-no beyond lifting the corners of my mouth.
    Thanks genetics
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 20, 2015 3:23 PM GMT
    giodude said

    And I do have a sour facial expression. I physically cannot smile. My mouth is too small to accommodate all of my teeth. I've had to have five removed just to make space for the remaining ones and my wisdom also have thankfully also refused to grow. I physically cannot lift my lips above my tooth line so smiling is a no-no beyond lifting the corners of my mouth.
    Thanks genetics


    That is a challenge, but maybe there are ways you can compensate with other parts of your body (as was explained to me about arms placement, etc., all things I would not have thought of). Are there places other than bars where maybe you could feel more relaxed and less pressure? I sympathize with you a lot because your description of your night out felt very familiar to me!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 20, 2015 3:52 PM GMT
    time to state the obvious
    -the dating pool for gay men is small.
    -the straights can spot (almost smell in a dark room) a potential date. gaydar recently proven dosnt work.
    -your mother; lots of people re evaluate them selves after living half of their lives one way or another. For one they have acquired more life skills.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 20, 2015 3:56 PM GMT
    HottJoe said^so you're saying it's his personality that needs fixing???

    Have you ever posted something funny yourself? Please, be funny. You need to make me laugh before I'll treat you with common courtesy.

    &
    HottJoe said
    YVRguy saidSo if I get this right your mom has been single and probably been looking for someone for close to 16 years and you're a bit jealous because you've been looking for how long, exactly???

    Be happy for your mom. Getting a boyfriend at her age is pretty special and hardly a reflection on you.

    Tough love, or just a bitchy thing to say to a frustrated 18 year old???

    Maybe you should tell him to workout more and be grateful he's not banned for his sadness.icon_rolleyes.gif


    Sadly comforting to know it's not just me you are attacking. You attacked shifty on his giving good heartfelt advice? Yikes! I've chatted with him a few times. Seems a good guy. What the fuck is your problem?

    And while I don't know who that YV guy is, he didn't say anything wrong here. But you attacked him too? Dude, get therapy. Stop the pot. Something. You seriously are not seeing things right. And you seem to be deteriorating in your inability to connect with what the other person has said. I don't even know if you'll be able to read this: get help.
  • giodude

    Posts: 271

    Sep 20, 2015 6:23 PM GMT
    ShiftyJK08 said
    giodude said

    And I do have a sour facial expression. I physically cannot smile. My mouth is too small to accommodate all of my teeth. I've had to have five removed just to make space for the remaining ones and my wisdom also have thankfully also refused to grow. I physically cannot lift my lips above my tooth line so smiling is a no-no beyond lifting the corners of my mouth.
    Thanks genetics


    That is a challenge, but maybe there are ways you can compensate with other parts of your body (as was explained to me about arms placement, etc., all things I would not have thought of). Are there places other than bars where maybe you could feel more relaxed and less pressure? I sympathize with you a lot because your description of your night out felt very familiar to me!



    I ease into anywhere almost seamlessly. I attract friends like a magnet, but the only places where I'm not at ease are gay joints. I'm also not comfortable around gay men/boys because I'm already bracing myself for their rejection and exclusion.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Sep 20, 2015 6:30 PM GMT
    ^that's because gay men are judging on appearance, and you feel insecure about your looks.

    But here's the truth. You are beautiful, cute, unique, and you express yourself well. Trust your friends who see it in you, because it's true.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 20, 2015 6:31 PM GMT
    Dude you are only 18, chill out and relax. Enjoy your youth.

    If you are not attracting anyone that means you have to work on yourself. That means getting fit, getting out of your comfort zone, meeting new people etc. Mainly doing stuff that improves you.

    And to be truly happy you have to have to be happy with yourself. Do what I told you above and you will find someone.
  • giodude

    Posts: 271

    Sep 20, 2015 7:21 PM GMT
    HottJoe said^that's because gay men are judging on appearance, and you feel insecure about your looks.

    But here's the truth. You are beautiful, cute, unique, and you express yourself well. Trust your friends who see it in you, because it's true.


    Thanks. Sometimes a kind answer is the best answer. This is one of those timesicon_smile.gif I really appreciate it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 20, 2015 7:31 PM GMT

    You are only 18, enjoy life, get to know yourself, learn to love yourself(extremely important) because if you don't love yourself you will always be dependent on others to love you and unhappy when you are alone. Ask yourself what can you do to improve your situation and go do it. Don't feel bad for yourself because at the end of the day that will not get you out of your situation. I have learned that sometimes its better to let things come to you instead of going out and desperately looking for them. I would also advice you to join a gym,( I have made great friends there), go volunteer somewhere etc..., place yourself in an environment where you can meet people with positive attitudes and good energy.

    There are many things you can do but sitting at home and feeling bad for yourself is not one of them.

    Good luck.

  • giodude

    Posts: 271

    Sep 20, 2015 8:55 PM GMT
    ocjockca said
    You are only 18, enjoy life, get to know yourself, learn to love yourself(extremely important) because if you don't love yourself you will always be dependent on others to love you and unhappy when you are alone. Ask yourself what can you do to improve your situation and go do it. Don't feel bad for yourself because at the end of the day that will not get you out of your situation. I have learned that sometimes its better to let things come to you instead of going out and desperately looking for them. I would also advice you to join a gym,( I have made great friends there), go volunteer somewhere etc..., place yourself in an environment where you can meet people with positive attitudes and good energy.

    There are many things you can do but sitting at home and feeling bad for yourself is not one of them.

    Good luck.



    Who said anything about sitting at home?

    - I do attend a gym every day except thursday and saturday. I just don't gain weight/muscle but I get stronger quickly

    - I do tae kean do

    - I do capoeira

    - i attend the LGBTQIA society on my campus

    - I go clubbing at least every second weekend

    - I joined thw anime society

    - I go to group activities sponsored by my university that seem interesting

    I'm an active, social person with a wide network of friends. The only group I consistently don't get along with are other gay men.

    Thirdly, I really dislike it when people try to negate other people's distress on account of their age. Your perception isn't shared by everyone. our use of " only 18", implies the assumption of a generic lifestyle up until this point in time. Not everybody has been afforded that luxury. You may have been a care-free eighteen year old and been surrounded by your like, but not everyone's worldly experiences have shaped them to be so. I've gone through a few experiences eighteen year olds shouldn't have to go through, except for dating. After everything that's happened, I think that I do deserve the chance to experience something everyone else around me has, and to be appreciated by someone, for once.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Sep 20, 2015 9:26 PM GMT
    Maybe it's time for a makeover ... Reinvent who you are
  • FitBlackCuddl...

    Posts: 802

    Sep 21, 2015 12:48 AM GMT
    giodude said
    ShiftyJK08 said
    giodude said

    And I do have a sour facial expression. I physically cannot smile. My mouth is too small to accommodate all of my teeth. I've had to have five removed just to make space for the remaining ones and my wisdom also have thankfully also refused to grow. I physically cannot lift my lips above my tooth line so smiling is a no-no beyond lifting the corners of my mouth.
    Thanks genetics


    That is a challenge, but maybe there are ways you can compensate with other parts of your body (as was explained to me about arms placement, etc., all things I would not have thought of). Are there places other than bars where maybe you could feel more relaxed and less pressure? I sympathize with you a lot because your description of your night out felt very familiar to me!



    I ease into anywhere almost seamlessly. I attract friends like a magnet, but the only places where I'm not at ease are gay joints. I'm also not comfortable around gay men/boys because I'm already bracing myself for their rejection and exclusion.


    LOL. And WHY do you suppose that response got developed?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 21, 2015 12:56 AM GMT
    Your mom also has practically any man at her disposal since most men are straight, while you as a gay man only has a small fraction of the population to choose from. Give it time.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 21, 2015 6:19 AM GMT
    giodude said
    ocjockca said
    You are only 18, enjoy life, get to know yourself, learn to love yourself(extremely important) because if you don't love yourself you will always be dependent on others to love you and unhappy when you are alone. Ask yourself what can you do to improve your situation and go do it. Don't feel bad for yourself because at the end of the day that will not get you out of your situation. I have learned that sometimes its better to let things come to you instead of going out and desperately looking for them. I would also advice you to join a gym,( I have made great friends there), go volunteer somewhere etc..., place yourself in an environment where you can meet people with positive attitudes and good energy.

    There are many things you can do but sitting at home and feeling bad for yourself is not one of them.

    Good luck.



    Who said anything about sitting at home?

    - I do attend a gym every day except thursday and saturday. I just don't gain weight/muscle but I get stronger quickly

    - I do tae kean do

    - I do capoeira

    - i attend the LGBTQIA society on my campus

    - I go clubbing at least every second weekend

    - I joined thw anime society

    - I go to group activities sponsored by my university that seem interesting

    I'm an active, social person with a wide network of friends. The only group I consistently don't get along with are other gay men.

    Thirdly, I really dislike it when people try to negate other people's distress on account of their age. Your perception isn't shared by everyone. our use of " only 18", implies the assumption of a generic lifestyle up until this point in time. Not everybody has been afforded that luxury. You may have been a care-free eighteen year old and been surrounded by your like, but not everyone's worldly experiences have shaped them to be so. I've gone through a few experiences eighteen year olds shouldn't have to go through, except for dating. After everything that's happened, I think that I do deserve the chance to experience something everyone else around me has, and to be appreciated by someone, for once.



    When I said you are only 18 in no way was I trying to "negate" your distress. If thats the assumption you made then thats your problem. You are on these forums asking for advice and that is what others are trying to give you. When I said you are only 18, I meant that you have your whole life ahead of you and you are already believing that you will never find someone etc and you are even comparing yourself to your mom who has lived 50 years... " You may have been a care-free eighteen year old and been surrounded by your like...." I have faced plenty of obstacles in my life and have gone through plenty in my life as well. I am just giving you advice on what I think you should do. You can either take it or leave it. If you are looking for a sugar coated answer then go find that somewhere else. Also, be grateful that you have a mother and that she has found happiness. Focus on what you do have instead of what you don't.

    Happiness is a choice.