Sep 19, 2015 5:16 PM GMT
This year was supposed to be the year that i escaped the social tyranny of small town people and come to the big city, and simply be me. I was pretty naive in expecting romance to come easy, and still have had no romantic interactions with anyone. I've kind of just come to terms with that, until now
SO my mom, who has been single for sixteen years, drops the "i have a potential boyfriend: bomb shell on me. I couldn't really sleep well that evening - huge mental adjustment. Of course externally I give her my full support. I don't give away that this entire paradigm shift is affecting me in any way. But (and i know this sounds selfish, because it probably is), i became upset at myself because my mother is a close to fifty year old woman with two kids who actively conveys to people she is not interested in a relationship, yet she finally managed to find someone. I kind of had this plan in my mind that this year was my year, the year that i eventually got to meet someone special instead of constantly witnessing my straight privileged friends have all the fun, and the only thing that's changed s that now i see gay and straight people enjoy themselves. And jut=st when I've resolved to let myself and those around me be, my mo gets herself a boyfriend - why am i less desirable than a middle aged lady? Don't get me wrong, my mom is an attractive woman, people don't think she is anywhere near forty, but I still feel shittier than ever knowing that I'm in a huge city and even here not a single person even thinks that worth the effort of getting to know beyond a friend.
I really don't feel like i'm ever going to be anything to anyone, especially after speaking to a friend of mine who is also gay and quite attractive - he said his longest relationship has been a month. A month Is that what I'm letting myself in for Today is the worst i've felt in a while, and I really really wish, for the first time in my life that i just was not gay, just so I could be a little bit happier.
So that's my emotional vent for the next while
SO my mom, who has been single for sixteen years, drops the "i have a potential boyfriend: bomb shell on me. I couldn't really sleep well that evening - huge mental adjustment. Of course externally I give her my full support. I don't give away that this entire paradigm shift is affecting me in any way. But (and i know this sounds selfish, because it probably is), i became upset at myself because my mother is a close to fifty year old woman with two kids who actively conveys to people she is not interested in a relationship, yet she finally managed to find someone. I kind of had this plan in my mind that this year was my year, the year that i eventually got to meet someone special instead of constantly witnessing my straight privileged friends have all the fun, and the only thing that's changed s that now i see gay and straight people enjoy themselves. And jut=st when I've resolved to let myself and those around me be, my mo gets herself a boyfriend - why am i less desirable than a middle aged lady? Don't get me wrong, my mom is an attractive woman, people don't think she is anywhere near forty, but I still feel shittier than ever knowing that I'm in a huge city and even here not a single person even thinks that worth the effort of getting to know beyond a friend.
I really don't feel like i'm ever going to be anything to anyone, especially after speaking to a friend of mine who is also gay and quite attractive - he said his longest relationship has been a month. A month Is that what I'm letting myself in for Today is the worst i've felt in a while, and I really really wish, for the first time in my life that i just was not gay, just so I could be a little bit happier.
So that's my emotional vent for the next while
I really appreciate it. 
