No Spark?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 23, 2015 9:56 PM GMT
    I was seeing a guy for about a month and eventually he told me he wasn't ready for a relationship. He told me this after we had been texting/talking/skyping for three months while I was still up in Seattle before I moved down to Cali. It seemed like things were going really well with him and it came as a surprise when he told me that. He said he loved being with me and I was attractive and fun, but he just didn't feel a "spark" with me.

    I'm a somewhat new double amputee and he said he was totally cool with it and admired me for moving forward with my life. We only fooled around twice and both times I kept my prosthetics on. Being a double above the knee amputee is obviously one of my insecurities and i thought it was awesome that this guy didn't care. I was actually looking forward to taking my legs off and being intimate with him (that's a really big deal for me). I should also mention that I have a lot of scars from the accident and he even commented that I have a lot of scars. I can't help but wonder if he was just uncomfortable with the fact that I am obviously not perfect and was just using the "not ready for a relationship" excuse as a way to let me down easy.

    I know for some people this "spark" is important. I definitely felt chemistry with him. (We couldn't keep our hands off each other when we were alone.) Can a spark be developed? He is 37 and I'm 35, aren't we a little too old for that? Shouldn't men in our age range be willing to develop a relationship and work on things? Yeah, there are several issues in this topic, sorry, but this is still kind of fresh to me.

    Another important piece of info, he was the first guy I've seen since the accident and since coming out. (Yeah, I've never dated a guy before.)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 23, 2015 10:03 PM GMT
    I think I figured it out.

    I was looking at our texts all the way back to when we first started texting. His attitude towards me changed once we actually met. I totally get it now. It's completely different once you meet in person.

    He continued to hang out with me hoping a spark would develop. He was giving me a chance which, in hindsight, I appreciate.

    The truth is that we are two totally different personalities which I figured out way before we met. Other than food and an attraction for each other, what did we have to go on? It wouldn't have lasted and I'm thankful that he at least tried to see if he'd develop that "spark" for me.

    I'm glad that he was my first experience since coming out and since becoming an amputee, he was super thoughtful and considerate. He could have continued to take things further because he did suggest a FWB situation, but he later changed his mind, realising that his mind would not change and that I would be heartbroken, hoping for something that he knew he couldn't give me.

    As cheesy as this sounds, he will always have a special place in my heart.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 23, 2015 10:06 PM GMT
    I think it's his loss. You're so cute. If I was single I would totally ask you out on a date! icon_smile.gif

    For me the leg thing doesn't bother me at all, and I saw that picture when you're legs were detached and you were just sitting on a bench. I would have loved to sit next to you!

    I'm not sure why but I do go visit California to see my relatives every now and then, and boy the guys there are a bit shallow. icon_neutral.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 23, 2015 11:04 PM GMT
    Well, your face is way cute so we know it ain't that. Tough to judge his action from distance. Could be your physical condition made him uneasy. Hell, I experience that trepidation myself every time I wind up with an uncut guy, each time wondering: is this going to be a problem for me? And I never quite know until I get into it, though even then--when it seems to me that I had a good time--I'm still left with doubts afterwards. I'm only somewhat kidding.

    More seriously, I felt terrible about a date that I thought I could handle after having gotten to know a guy. This was in between my last two partners so I guess I was mid/late 30s. There was this guy I thought I really liked, he seemed to like me, there was definite chemistry. And I thought I'd be okay with his being positive. But when we got into bed, I wasn't. And he was embarrassed and the whole thing was horrible. I still feel badly about that all these years later. I hadn't meant to cause the guy any pain. I thought I'd be okay with it. But this was still pretty early in that game and I just didn't know enough about HIV or about myself, what I could handle. I sometimes think of him and kind of wish he'd have pursued me even given my trepidation. But he was scared too. Nobody wants to be hurt by others and hopefully most of us don't want to hurt.

    But it might not even be that this guy couldn't handle your physical condition. He could have just been a flake. I've found that there are more flakes than snow. People are bizarre how they turn off for no apparent reason, when they were acting as if they were a friend one minute but not the next. The best I can figure is that they are just using people to try and figure themselves out. That they don't even know who the fuck they are. Either that or they do it deliberately, sociopathically entertaining themselves at anyone's expense. And I think there's a lot more of that than many admit.

    If he's talking spark in his 30s, some guys do hold onto that last hope. But it might not have been so much about a spark that wasn't there as a dousing of a spark that was. If that's the case, then there might be a chance of hopping that wave but you'd have to help him approach you and that could lead to an even deeper disappointment or to love.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 23, 2015 11:31 PM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidAnd what I mean by that is don't pursue someone long distance online where your emotions can take hold of you before you actually meet someone face to face. The chemistry between two people is never the same online as it is in person. And the longer you carry on via text messaging or any type of similar medium the bigger the disappointment.


    This is exactly what happened between us! The emotions were insane before we met and then there was a huge disappointment on his part which can't be helped. I realise it's nothing against me. Now I understand why a lot of people would rather meet in person instead of do the endless texting!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 24, 2015 12:06 AM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle said^ E-hugs!


    Stop flirting with him icon_mad.gif

    jk
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 24, 2015 5:27 AM GMT
    For what it's worth, nearly everyone, even those with legs, goes through what you just went through. However, there are those of us out there that see a man for what he is in the inside more than what he is on the outside. You'll find such a man I'm sure of it.

    Wishing you all the best.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 24, 2015 5:51 AM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle said
    Talon said
    MuchMoreThanMuscle said^ E-hugs!


    Stop flirting with him icon_mad.gif

    jk


    Offering someone some kindness and understanding isn't flirting.


    You just want to touch him I know it! icon_mad.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 24, 2015 5:53 AM GMT
    UndercoverMan said there are those of us out there that see a man for what he is in the inside more than what he is on the outside.



    mean+girls+hand+raise.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 24, 2015 5:55 AM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle said
    Talon said
    MuchMoreThanMuscle said
    Talon said
    MuchMoreThanMuscle said^ E-hugs!


    Stop flirting with him icon_mad.gif

    jk


    Offering someone some kindness and understanding isn't flirting.


    You just want to touch him I know it! icon_mad.gif


    Are you jealous? icon_cool.gif


    If I was single no! I could totally snag him from you! icon_mad.gificon_mad.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 24, 2015 6:04 AM GMT
    One of my good friends is a para and yes, some people can't handle any sort of physical challenge at all. But those are not the kind of people I would want in my life personally. Life is uncertain to say the least, so even as someone who has all my limbs, I still wouldn't want to be with someone that shallow because you just never know what life will throw your way and I'd like someone who will stick with me no matter what.

    Not saying this to make you feel better, but it really does sound like a chemistry issue. If he were that troubled by the absence of your legs, I don't think he would have been all over you the way he was.

    And yes, it's always better to meet in person sooner than later in my opinion. And as someone who has spent most of your life without physical challenges, I'm sure you realize this happens very often no matter what your personal obstacles.

    Glad to see you're dating and getting yourself out there. Now get back on that horse! icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 24, 2015 6:12 AM GMT
    swimjammer said
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidAnd what I mean by that is don't pursue someone long distance online where your emotions can take hold of you before you actually meet someone face to face. The chemistry between two people is never the same online as it is in person. And the longer you carry on via text messaging or any type of similar medium the bigger the disappointment.


    This is exactly what happened between us! The emotions were insane before we met and then there was a huge disappointment on his part which can't be helped. I realise it's nothing against me. Now I understand why a lot of people would rather meet in person instead of do the endless texting!



    +++++++++++++++++++++++

    Very true. The sooner you meet the better.

    Even in completely platonic, non-romantic situations it is usually true. I.E. other car guys with like interests who I've chatted up for years online then finally meet at an annual Pontiac (or whatever) meet and it's all so spookily different.
  • FitBlackCuddl...

    Posts: 802

    Sep 24, 2015 2:47 PM GMT
    swimjammer saidI think I figured it out.

    I was looking at our texts all the way back to when we first started texting. His attitude towards me changed once we actually met. I totally get it now. It's completely different once you meet in person.

    He continued to hang out with me hoping a spark would develop. He was giving me a chance which, in hindsight, I appreciate.

    The truth is that we are two totally different personalities which I figured out way before we met. Other than food and an attraction for each other, what did we have to go on? It wouldn't have lasted and I'm thankful that he at least tried to see if he'd develop that "spark" for me.

    I'm glad that he was my first experience since coming out and since becoming an amputee, he was super thoughtful and considerate. He could have continued to take things further because he did suggest a FWB situation, but he later changed his mind, realising that his mind would not change and that I would be heartbroken, hoping for something that he knew he couldn't give me.

    As cheesy as this sounds, he will always have a special place in my heart.



    The fellow sounds truly remarkable...in a VERY good way.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 25, 2015 5:42 AM GMT
    So, I met another guy from okc this evening for coffee. It went well. He's almost 10 years older than I am, successful, and he actually made me laugh, something I realised the other guy didn't do. That's a big deal for me.

    Still, I am pining for the first guy. This is why I never gave into my emotions before. I hate how they can be so powerful and make you think irrationally.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 25, 2015 8:36 AM GMT
    swimjammer saidSo, I met another guy from okc this evening for coffee. It went well. He's almost 10 years older than I am, successful, and he actually made me laugh, something I realised the other guy didn't do. That's a big deal for me.

    Still, I am pining for the first guy. This is why I never gave into my emotions before. I hate how they can be so powerful and make you think irrationally.


    Slow down. Heal yourself, don't give into your emotions that easy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 26, 2015 3:27 AM GMT
    Don't worry, I won't make that mistake twice. This other guy that I met was nice and all, maybe I didn't feel a "spark" with him? I say that in jest. My guard is on high alert now.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 26, 2015 8:27 PM GMT
    swimjammer said
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidAnd what I mean by that is don't pursue someone long distance online where your emotions can take hold of you before you actually meet someone face to face. The chemistry between two people is never the same online as it is in person. And the longer you carry on via text messaging or any type of similar medium the bigger the disappointment.


    This is exactly what happened between us! The emotions were insane before we met and then there was a huge disappointment on his part which can't be helped. I realise it's nothing against me. Now I understand why a lot of people would rather meet in person instead of do the endless texting!



    Bingo! It happens ALOT among all kinds of people who connect online.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 27, 2015 7:31 AM GMT
    I don't get these emotional types who hold onto the hope of finding that "spark" again. Even if you do find that, what are the chances that it will be reciprocated? Are they going to hold onto that ideal until they're in their 60's, 70's? I don't want to grow old alone, I want someone to share my life with and I'm willing to work on developing a solid relationship. Obviously there needs to be attraction, but wtf is this spark thing that so many hope for? Even one of my straight friends is looking for this and she's almost 40! She said she felt it with this guy at the guy at the gym, but he obviously didn't feel it for her as he mentioned his gf several times.

    Isn't mutual attraction and a mutual respect and desire to learn about the other person enough to start a relationship with? I think this brings up a larger issue within the gay community--that most are so used to being single that they are unwilling to put any effort into a relationship. True relationships are about compromise. True relationships are about sacrifice. True relationships don't change their mind on you when they feel differently about something. They're willing to commit and work around whatever.

    I feel so jaded right now. I also feel a little buzzed right now and I'll admit that I was just texting with that "spark" guy. That's why I'm so riled up. F*ck.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 27, 2015 7:59 PM GMT
    swimjammer saidI don't get these emotional types who hold onto the hope of finding that "spark" again. Even if you do find that, what are the chances that it will be reciprocated? Are they going to hold onto that ideal until they're in their 60's, 70's? I don't want to grow old alone, I want someone to share my life with and I'm willing to work on developing a solid relationship. Obviously there needs to be attraction, but wtf is this spark thing that so many hope for? Even one of my straight friends is looking for this and she's almost 40! She said she felt it with this guy at the guy at the gym, but he obviously didn't feel it for her as he mentioned his gf several times.

    Isn't mutual attraction and a mutual respect and desire to learn about the other person enough to start a relationship with? I think this brings up a larger issue within the gay community--that most are so used to being single that they are unwilling to put any effort into a relationship. True relationships are about compromise. True relationships are about sacrifice. True relationships don't change their mind on you when they feel differently about something. They're willing to commit and work around whatever.



    You sound pretty wise. I don't think you have to worry about growing old alone. You're a catch. You just have to start seeing yourself as one.