Finally...I came out!

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    Sep 27, 2015 12:50 AM GMT
    So, a few weeks ago i wrote here that i was thinking about moving to a different continent for love (as we are in a long distace relationship)... finally i decided i was going to spend a few weeks with my partner to try things out and see if it will work out... but i wanted to start with a clear and good spirit and to do so i needed for my parents and sister to know the reason why i was leaving fro a few weeks, didnt want to lie nor anything...so coming out was the only way to go.

    After a few day i finally got the balls to tell my mom first...and have to say, it didnt go well...at all!. She is a great mom and person but i guess the shock of having her only son being gay was just too much. She said a few hurtful things that just made me broke down to tears. It was at night so we both spent a very awful night, the reaction was so bad that i didnt even want to tell the rest of my family (which my mom took care of for me). Next day i left to work and some whatsapp messages came through...hurtful messages as well..and well, crappy morning. All of the sudden got a whatsapp from my sister, she just found out from my mom. And the response couldnt have been better...she made me feel so accepted and supported. So, my dad was the only was missing and the one i was more afraid of. Of course, my mom took care of telling him ( i wanted to tell him myself but mom was so mad and hurt she couldnt help but to tell him). I got a call from him late in the afternoon and first thing he said just blown me away... "i love you so much and i im so proud of you. What you just did took bravery and courage so now i know i did my job as a dad to raise a great and brave man"... made my whole day. It went from very crappy to make me believe i did the right thing.

    Things with mom are still a bit awkward, as i know she doesnt like it but i guess she tolerates it. So after all of this my question is: Did any of you got a bad reaction? if so, how did you deal with the awkwardness?. I dont know how to act around my mom. I just want for next week to come and leave for a few weeks.
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    Sep 27, 2015 1:48 AM GMT
    YAY Dad
    Congrats buddy
  • Import

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    Sep 27, 2015 1:52 AM GMT
    Aw good for you and your Dad sounds awesome!
    Your Mom will come aroud. .
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    Sep 27, 2015 2:21 AM GMT
    Fuck yeah! Congrats bro! icon_biggrin.gif

    I'm currently in a hotel with my FWB, helping him come out. He just read your post (he's not on RJ yet) and it really made him think, cause he's still confused on which family member he wants to tell first (they're all homophobic). He's already told one of his other friends, who happens to be my other FWB (and yeah he knows - they fooled around too - long back story).

    I wish you the best in you future endeavors. Enjoy your new life!
  • mybud

    Posts: 11819

    Sep 27, 2015 2:39 AM GMT
    Congrats man..Over time it will get easier with your mom.
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    Sep 27, 2015 4:07 AM GMT
    Congrats to OP. icon_biggrin.gif

    How come nobody answered his question though? icon_confused.gificon_confused.gif

    As for me, I'm not out to my family yet so I can't answer you. icon_neutral.gif
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    Sep 27, 2015 12:52 PM GMT
    Joesoul saidDid any of you got a bad reaction? if so, how did you deal with the awkwardness?. I dont know how to act around my mom. I just want for next week to come and leave for a few weeks.


    Oh, yes, I certainly did. It was my mother in my case, too (and my dad was working behind the scenes to make her change her mind once she told him).

    She tried everything to make me uncome out, down to sending me to a shrink who was supposed to fix me. She went through all the stages of grief: denial ("You can't be like that, you are too manly."), anger ("If you continue with that, I am never going to talk to you again!"), bargaining ("Just try it with a woman, if you like it you don't have to go with men."), depression ("I will never have grandchildren! :-(" - incidentally, she said that after her first grandchild was born).

    Finally, there was acceptance. My other family helped a lot, and it's encouraging that your sister and dad are supportive. It took a long while with my mother, though. The breakthrough came when she asked why I never visited and I explained that she didn't want to see my boyfriend, but that it made no sense for me to spend vacations apart.

    Once she realized she risked losing her son over something that really was not a problem for her, she came around.

    Give it time, your mom will, too. Especially because a lot of the grief you get from her is out of a false sense of protectiveness. Maybe you can have her read this thread, or get her Prayers for Bobby to accelerate the process?
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    Sep 27, 2015 2:08 PM GMT
    congratulations man
  • Buddha

    Posts: 1765

    Sep 27, 2015 3:17 PM GMT
    For me it's the same, my dad is more supportive than my mom and my sister is great. I wish I could say it gets better but for me it's so-so, my mom is getting around a bit but whenever she can she uusally tries to make me feel guilty about my sexuality. Or refuses to acknowledge that it's not a choice.

    The thing that hit the hardest for me was one day at the dinner-table. I live in a different city so I just visit them for a bout a week every half-a-year or so. My mom was starting her rant on being "abnormal" and "finding a normal relationship" and it was like someone was pulling their claws slowly inside my skin. My dad is very quiet and withdrawn and doesn't really talk back much to my mom but he suddenly told her to stop, quite firmly. She then asked my dad if his dad (my grandfather, my dad and him had an extremely close relationship), would accept something so unnatural, and he simply said "My father told me that even if the whole world turns against him, a father should always support his son. So don't tell me what my father would've thought".

    My advice: It's awful when people you love can't accept you for who you are. But you have people who do, so let that be your comfort-zone for now. Not everyone is so lucky to even have a single person in their family support them. And in time, some people will come around and some won't. Don't hold your breath, and certainly don't let that stop you from finding happiness.
  • Pyre85

    Posts: 213

    Sep 27, 2015 5:05 PM GMT
    That reaction is precisely why I waited til I was gone before I could tell them. My parents Are Jehovah's Witnesses and very much the under my house, under my rules types.
    So if I had come out, I would have still had to go to church three times a week, only while shunned, and reviled. So I bolted. Then lost my nerve lol.
    I came out to my brothers, The oldest of whom has been the most welcoming and supportive presence I could ever ask for. The next down the line said he didn't approve and would pray for me. But he meant well. He doesn't treat em different for it tho. My little brother is terrified of me lol. He puts on a brave face, but he gets super awkward anytime we speak. Which sucks. We used to be close.
    My mother I only told because I got super shitfaced and checked my email. Always a bad move. She's still in denial. When she's not mailing me bible literature.
    But for me, the easiest path is to just avoid them mostly. I moved away, and haven't really looked back. They can't accept me for what I am, and I was raised in their faith, so I understand why. I don't like it, and I pity them for being deluded as thoroughly as they pity me for giving up eternity in paradise after Armageddon.
    Neither of us will be swayed, so why fight it? I just let em go.
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    Sep 27, 2015 6:14 PM GMT
    Hi guys,

    Is good to know im not alone in this. Although the circumstances are obviously not the best to agree on as it shouldnt be like that. But reading your messages has done good to me.

    I dont know, even with my sister and dad who are so accepting of me i feel weird to be around as i know they would like to ask so many questions but maybe they feel its going to be awkward.

    Now, my mom all of the sudden started to tell me if i wanted to bring something from my country to my partner and if they would like some artesanal candy. Asking me if i need a bigger suitcase and which clothes im bringing with me, etc. So i started thinking, wow, shes at least coming around and maybe tolerating this. But, last night i overheard a phone call my mom was having with a friend of hers and she was telling her that i was going away for 5 weeks (all of this while crying) so i thought she had told them about me being gay, but no, she told them i was leaving to study a new career. So made me feel a bit sad as i know she still rejects it even though my dad and sister told her its fine. I understand her but i wish she wouldnt be ashamed.

    Good thing is im leaving in 3 days so shell had the time to process it and talk to people, but if she keeps saying im on a trip for school she wont get the views from other people.
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    Sep 27, 2015 6:52 PM GMT
    Congrats!! Big move man. With your mom, try the line: "I don't expect you to understand this right now, but I do expect you to respect my decision not lie about who I am." Sometimes it's hard for parents to remember their 'kids' have turned into adults who make choices of their own.

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    Sep 27, 2015 8:13 PM GMT
    Congrats! Don't let your family try to hook you up with the first gay people they meet.
  • Chargermuscle

    Posts: 9

    Sep 27, 2015 8:27 PM GMT
    Congratulations! I came out a few years ago (at 50) to my now ex-wife and early this spring came out to my recent college graduate daughter and my son who is still in college. I was scared as hell with my two children, but it couldn't have gone better! I have not yet told my sister or parents. Best wishes!
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    Sep 27, 2015 11:42 PM GMT
    Very happy for you man!
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    Sep 28, 2015 12:22 AM GMT
    Congrats, Joe, be proud of yourself. That move still takes a lot of guts.

    The best you can do now is give your mom some space and time. Remember, it probably took you years to come to terms with being gay, so if your mom needs some time to adjust to the situation, let her. In the meantime be the son she always knew and don't bring up the topic unless asked.

    Hugs to your dad, he sounds awesome!
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    Sep 28, 2015 1:02 AM GMT
    Congrats man, I came out to my sister today and it went great just like I thought it would icon_smile.gif
  • NMGUY505

    Posts: 145

    Sep 28, 2015 11:45 PM GMT
    Congrats never an easy decision to come out. Like the other guys have told you. Give your mom time to work through it. Wish all dads could react and be as supportive as yours.
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    Nov 16, 2015 12:36 AM GMT
    Thanks to all!!...words of motivation and support were deeply appreciated. As you can see from my profile pic...all turn out good. Mom doesnt talk about it but at least she tolerates it. Yay!
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    Nov 16, 2015 12:58 AM GMT
    Grats! Hopefully your mom will come around when she sees you happy and productive. I bet she'll start to pay attention to gay-related news now, and some of those ideas that she previously dismissed may seep into her head. You might even gently help icon_smile.gif

    My mom told me I'd never be happy through tears on the phone when she found out. She made peace with it after that I guess, but she didn't live with us at the time so she couldn't exactly exert any influence over me at that point. We never really talked about it after that. She'd refer to my boyfriend as my "friend" and made us sleep in separate beds when we visited (as if). My parents are a bit conservative though.

    I personally think my mom wanted a girl from the get-go, but she had to run through 2 boys first. When my younger sister was born, my mom dressed her up in girly outfits, took pictures of her holding a rose and such, and tried to live out her Shirley Temple fantasies through her. She watched that stuff as a kid.

    So it was with more than a little bemusement that I watched my sister morph from a straight, long-haired blonde girl into a butch, short-haired lesbian cop a few years after I came out icon_twisted.gif
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    Nov 16, 2015 1:45 AM GMT
    Joesoul saidDid any of you got a bad reaction? if so, how did you deal with the awkwardness?.


    First of all, congrats to you! It's a big deal, but in the long run you're going to be a much better person for not living under a self imposed shadow...

    My coming out was phased, and each phase went pretty well. Mom was surprisingly OK with it, and so was my aunt - mom's sister. That was really all the family I care about. Dad died when I was a kid, but Mom and my aunt assured me that Dad would have been OK too. Everyone else is still a little weird about it, but I don't care enough about them for their feelings to affect me.

    My fiancee's family though, that's a story I'm not qualified to tell, but it really could not have gone worse for him. He was fully shunned by his family. His friends and work are OK with it... but his family has nearly all abandoned him. His dad is beginning to come back around now... almost 2 years later.

    I'm sure your mom will let her love for you outweigh her initial reaction. Just give her time.

    Congrats again!
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    Nov 16, 2015 1:49 AM GMT
    Congrats!
    story; i told Andy, a good friend of mine, that i would have liked to stay in contact with, but he was the only homophobic one. Had to be done tho
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    Nov 16, 2015 2:15 AM GMT
    JackBoneTX saidGrats! Hopefully your mom will come around when she sees you happy and productive. I bet she'll start to pay attention to gay-related news now, and some of those ideas that she previously dismissed may seep into her head. You might even gently help icon_smile.gif

    My mom told me I'd never be happy through tears on the phone when she found out. She made peace with it after that I guess, but she didn't live with us at the time so she couldn't exactly exert any influence over me at that point. We never really talked about it after that. She'd refer to my boyfriend as my "friend" and made us sleep in separate beds when we visited (as if). My parents are a bit conservative though.

    I personally think my mom wanted a girl from the get-go, but she had to run through 2 boys first. When my younger sister was born, my mom dressed her up in girly outfits, took pictures of her holding a rose and such, and tried to live out her Shirley Temple fantasies through her. She watched that stuff as a kid.

    So it was with more than a little bemusement that I watched my sister morph from a straight, long-haired blonde girl into a butch, short-haired lesbian cop a few years after I came out icon_twisted.gif

    This is your chance to dress up in girly stuff to make your mom happy
    icon_twisted.gif
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    Dec 07, 2015 2:10 AM GMT
    Thank you all for the congrats!!... it does feel so much better without hiding every time i skyped or texted with my partner... Now i can tell them my bf send them greetings...lol

    I still have to come out to some friends and family..but the people i needed and care to tell knows and thats all it matters... (even if they were ok or not).

    Thanks guys!!
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    Dec 07, 2015 7:32 PM GMT
    Wow you have an awesome father. I came out to my mom and yes it was awful. However she is a negative woman all around so she would have a problem with me curing cancer. I haven't spoken to her in years and don't plan to. As for the rest of my family I didn't want a big coming out. I came out to myself years before and felt very natural about being gay. Instead I just randomly started talking about my boyfriend at the time as if my being gay was well known. No one really batted an eye. Sadly I don't have a great relationship with my family because I spent my late teens and early twenties in a deep depression due to my mother's negativity. I wouldn't be surprised if while I slept as a kid she snuck in my room and whispered in my ear, "you suck, no one likes you" on a regular basis. Outside of her no one who matters has ever given me shit.