Dating a guy who isn't out

  • WCROC

    Posts: 25

    Sep 28, 2015 3:05 AM GMT
    There is this guy I have been seeing for almost 2 months now. When we first started talking he suddenly disappeared, and then he appeared out of no where again. This happened a few times. I found out that he is so far in the closet he is in Narnia because we happen to have a ton of mutual friends (who all SWEAR he is REALLY straight though I assure you, he is not), and I am unsure what to do. I don't want force him out, but I think he tries to avoid me when we are in public because he is a afraid I might out him even though I won't. He said he likes me, and our chemistry is off the charts. Thoughts? Opinions?

    UPDATE: I broke it off. Thanks everyone for the advice.
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    Sep 28, 2015 3:12 AM GMT
    Just have fun with him, but don't expect anything serious out of it. If he's that far in the closet, it sounds like he's terrified of being thought of as gay.
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    Sep 28, 2015 3:12 AM GMT
    Don't bother with him, it would be a waste of time.
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    Sep 28, 2015 3:24 AM GMT
    ask yourself, would you be okay with living a lie for him? pretending you don't know him when you are in public? I say don't get serious with men like that, there is nothing good that comes from lies. He's practically a toy, just play with it.
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    Sep 28, 2015 3:33 AM GMT
    I dated 2 different guys who weren't out. I found it very frustrating and stressful. I had many restrictions placed on me, about how I could act with them in public, what I could and couldn't say, what places we could go. It was a maddening tightrope I was always walking.

    With each one I held out hope he would learn from my own example, and that of my out gay friends, and take the plunge. They never did. If anything, my tolerant attitude was probably merely enabling them to remain in the closet.

    After the second one I vowed never again, and I never did. Of course, every man is different. But my own experience, and what I've heard from others, leads me to be pessimistic on this issue.
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    Sep 28, 2015 3:59 PM GMT
    I don't think it's as easy to say that there are men that are shamefully in the closet, and then there's the great men that tell everyone. There are some straight people that literally never talk about their relationships nor are they comfortable talking about sex, yet do we call them closeted straights due to their reluctance, don't think so. Also how does all gay people exploiting their sexuality to everyone's nosey insensitive brain at all have equal rights to straight people who are never questioned for anything? So i'm guessing people don't really care about equal rights, just smacking people in the face with the facts of your personal life and telling them to deal with it, which is not equal or progressive. this is why there are men who don't want to talk about the shit because for some men it doesn't matter if other people know their business, especially more traditionally masculine men who don't gossip about dating. I think if you want the typical romance, bringing your partner to parties and doing all of that normal stuff that most straight people do, then dump this guy and find someone who is more open. I personally don't care at all for that stuff and I identify with the man you're speaking about more. I happen to be attracted to men on a more friendship level, and if I was intimate with a guy and liked him a lot, i'd be more than happy with people just thinking we're good friends and not knowing we have sex.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Sep 28, 2015 4:12 PM GMT
    Some guys, especially well established guys, fear loss of the world and image they've created for themselves. They fear it will disappear if they come out. (They're wrong but it is a fair fear. Just look at the Republican Party.) If you think your friend can't get past that, and you want to live as an open man, then you should look elsewhere for your future. But, and I am an example of this, sometimes one of these guys can make the leap if given a reason to take the chance. In my case, I fell in love. And suddenly, I couldn't disrespect my guy by hiding him from everyone I knew and cared for. He became more important than them and all of the other issues.

    Sometimes a guy just needs a good reason to come out. But it can take some time and thus there's risk to you. Tough call. Do you think you could love this guy?
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    Sep 28, 2015 4:48 PM GMT
    Art_Deco said... I had many restrictions placed on me, about how I could act with them in public, what I could and couldn't say, what places we could go. It was a maddening tightrope I was always walking.

    ...


    This. Live your life on your own terms.
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    Sep 28, 2015 5:07 PM GMT
    TO23 saidI don't think it's as easy to say that there are men that are shamefully in the closet, and then there's the great men that tell everyone. There are some straight people that literally never talk about their relationships nor are they comfortable talking about sex, yet do we call them closeted straights due to their reluctance, don't think so. Also how does all gay people exploiting their sexuality to everyone's nosey insensitive brain at all have equal rights to straight people who are never questioned for anything? So i'm guessing people don't really care about equal rights, just smacking people in the face with the facts of your personal life and telling them to deal with it, which is not equal or progressive. this is why there are men who don't want to talk about the shit because for some men it doesn't matter if other people know their business, especially more traditionally masculine men who don't gossip about dating. I think if you want the typical romance, bringing your partner to parties and doing all of that normal stuff that most straight people do, then dump this guy and find someone who is more open. I personally don't care at all for that stuff and I identify with the man you're speaking about more. I happen to be attracted to men on a more friendship level, and if I was intimate with a guy and liked him a lot, i'd be more than happy with people just thinking we're good friends and not knowing we have sex.

    Let me guess, you are still in closet?
    This whole rant makes no sense. Straight closeted? Are you serious?
    What next? Fight for straight rights? Or straight marriage? I understand the circumstances under which many gays can't come out, but the way you are justifying is pure bullshit.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 874

    Sep 28, 2015 5:48 PM GMT
    A very closeted dude can be a good FB or FwB material. Enjoy the good chemistry, and all but do not expect that he'll throw his caution to the winds, and come out, so that you can be an openly gay couple.

    Every dude has his reasons for being in the closet. You and I may or may not think that his reasons are valid, but we must not forget that it is his life, and that he is calling the shots.

    It is also true that there is a number of guys out there who do not wish to speak about their sexual life at all. Frankly, if a dude chooses to keep his cards close to himself, that's his prerogative. Now, you may like this or not. Yet, it is really his business to decide how much of his private, intimate world can be shared with the others.

    I am pretty out and about, but I do not volunteer any information to the third parties. Why would they need to know? How is any of this any of their business.

    Even in a completely gay environment, guys who are telling all the details to their audience are really not my cup of tea.

    SC
  • Lincsbear

    Posts: 2605

    Sep 28, 2015 9:58 PM GMT
    If this guy is so closeted and you`re out, then it will be very difficult to be close or a couple.
    At best, you`re in for a long wait and/or a lot of confidence building/reassurance/support for him to come out.
    Your company might encourage him to come out but you can never be sure.
    My advice for now would be cautious and don`t expect too much from him. Enjoy his company when and where you can. Who knows what might come of it? But you won`t have wasted your time that way.
  • waccamatt

    Posts: 1918

    Sep 28, 2015 11:16 PM GMT
    I'd rather be single than date a paranoid closeted guy.
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    Sep 29, 2015 12:42 AM GMT
    waccamatt saidI'd rather be single than date a paranoid closeted guy.


    Amen to that!

    Going against my own rules (I have only dated OUT guys most of my life), I had started hooking up with a much younger guy who was fun, intelligent, VERY into me physically (and otherwise) and claimed to be "bisexual". However, as time went on I realized:

    - it was clearly more than sexual - we enjoyed getting to know each other
    - he didn't want me meeting his friends
    - he was frustrated because I wouldn't let him fuck me until things got "more serious"
    - was not interested in meeting my friends
    - claimed he didn't want to seriously date anyone because he was "enjoying being single"
    - would go on regular rants about how annoying women were (!)
    - essentially only wanted to see me on HIS terms

    Then we would talk about it and he'd say: "OK - I know we're both frustrated, so I guess we should stop". I would ... then he'd text me late on a friday a week or two later - exclaiming how much he missed holding, kissing, and talking to me. And again... and again.

    I was initially having fun, and genuinely liked getting to know this guy but finally told him: If you won't take a chance and "really date me" despite how much you seem to like me than you're not worth my time. I also told him that his behaviour was unfair to both of us and emotionally selfish. Grow up, face your emotions, and grow some balls.

    THAT is the solid truth. I learned, once again: It's NEVER worth settling.
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    Sep 29, 2015 12:55 AM GMT
    You are 22. You have so much life ahead of you. Don't waste it in someone else's closet my man. If you can compartmentalize your feelings for him and not hurt your heart, maybe try to be "just friends" but start searching for and dating other guys. You don't have to throw him away if he is a decent friend, but you should definitely not have sex if you're feelings are involved. It'll just hurt worse later and maybe make you resent everything.
  • Nhlakz

    Posts: 149

    Sep 29, 2015 9:16 AM GMT
    The closet can b a very comfy place but it gets toxic in due time..so date people that are out and would love to share their lives and space with u.
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    Sep 29, 2015 11:31 AM GMT
    If you fall madly in love, he must 'come out!'. Otherwise it will be a one-sided relationship. He will shy away from you in Public places and then like a chameleon change colours when you are alone at home. Putting it plainly, it will eventually become more of an embarressment to be with him in Public. You will eventually build a complex towards him.
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    Sep 30, 2015 6:47 AM GMT
    This is not gonna end well man. .. He like you and by saying that he may interested for fun but nothing else. Enjoy.... icon_twisted.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 30, 2015 10:20 AM GMT
    Closeted, or doesn't want anything to do with the LGBT community?

    People seem to mesh the fucking two together nowadays.

    If it's the first, it's up to you.

    If it's the second, who gives a fuck?
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    Sep 30, 2015 12:09 PM GMT
    Healthy people do not live in closets. The real question is why are you so desperate that you would spend more than an introductory date with such a lame brained moron?
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    Sep 30, 2015 12:16 PM GMT
    smartmoney saidHealthy people do not live in closets. The real question is why are you so desperate that you would spend more than an introductory date with such a lame brained moron?


    I'd rather be a moron, than to be shot and killed by a homophobic family member. Or be fired for being openly gay.
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    Sep 30, 2015 12:21 PM GMT
    Boaxy said
    smartmoney saidHealthy people do not live in closets. The real question is why are you so desperate that you would spend more than an introductory date with such a lame brained moron?


    I'd rather be a moron, than to be shot and killed by a homophobic family member. Or be fired for being openly gay.

    Congrats, you are both a moron and a sad little child afraid of strangers judging you. Stick to blowing dudes in airports.
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    Sep 30, 2015 8:38 PM GMT
    It's been my experience if you want more than a fantastic lay then you'll have to dump him--funny how soon they come out after they've been dumped.
    Seriously, how perfect is he and how much are you willing to put up with. Some guys need compassion and nudging; help them to stop hating themselves.
    Make him scream "I'm gay" while your pounding him...
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    Oct 01, 2015 8:21 AM GMT
    smartmoney said
    Boaxy said
    smartmoney saidHealthy people do not live in closets. The real question is why are you so desperate that you would spend more than an introductory date with such a lame brained moron?


    I'd rather be a moron, than to be shot and killed by a homophobic family member. Or be fired for being openly gay.

    Congrats, you are both a moron and a sad little child afraid of strangers judging you. Stick to blowing dudes in airports.


    Uh, no honey. I don't do that cruising shit. If I do, I'm not gonna be stupid and do it an airport.

    I don't give a fuck what anybody thinks.

    I do give a fuck what people do. People seem to think talk is cheap nowadays and are shooting first, asking questions later.

    This guy probably has a good reason to be closeted. He'll come out when he's ready.

    Not everyone is a masculine looking, white gay like yourself who has shit to worry about.
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    Oct 05, 2015 7:20 AM GMT
    Yay I won. Got beat by a black fem gay. that has to hurt. icon_smile.gif