Would you date a closted guy?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 12, 2007 6:53 PM GMT
    Hey guys,

    Interesting question came up at dinner with some friends last night. One of my friends mentioned that his gay co-worker had started dating a closeted guy and was having a lot of problems with it because the guy didn't want anyone to know they were gay, freak out when he kissed him outside of his apartment building, etc. We were talking about whether or not we could/would ever do it. I said I couldn't now that I live in San Francisco, where it's so entirely easy to be out that I would have a hard time dealing with someone who wasn't. My friend said he would do it if he lived in a more conservative area, but that his guess was it would never get beyond casual dating.

    Anyway, just wondering if any of you had had this experience (dating a closeted guy), and if so, how it went. Or, if you haven't, would you ever?
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    Jan 12, 2007 7:22 PM GMT
    I've DATED (key words DATED) several completely closted guys. It's a lot of fun at first (and yes in this case fun does equate to sex)...but one can only have so much sex with a person...there is the yearning to go out and be with friends and be together and for some, they were cool and others were not.

    I think it depends on his comfort level...like is he on the verge of coming out or is he deep in the closet? I too live in a fairly largely gay populated area (Philly) and have found that its pretty much inescapable that you will date and meet closeted doods. The question is how long will they stay comfortable enough with you to stick around...
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    Jan 12, 2007 8:51 PM GMT
    I live in a VERY small community, where Gay is not an excepted lifestyle (bible-belt). Most of the guys I date are either so far in the closet they can't see daylight or are Flammingly out. Personally, I would prefer to date inbetween the two.
  • jet228

    Posts: 11

    Jan 12, 2007 10:03 PM GMT
    The last guy I dated was in the closet. It was so damn hard to go to his baseball games and watch him play, and between innings he would go see his parents and friends and wouldn't even look at me.

    It's fun when it's new and you don't really care about the person, but as soon as you start having feelings it can be pretty crushing to be left out of stuff he likes or ignored.

    Funny thing is now we play in the same hockey league in the same division... and though I haven't 'outed' him and never would, I do blow kisses at him n stuff, but I'm a shit disturber at hockey so he's the only one who really squirms.
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    Jan 13, 2007 5:02 AM GMT
  • Graffix

    Posts: 15

    Jan 13, 2007 6:40 PM GMT
    I live in the Chicago west suburbs where there isn't a huge opportunity for dating. So if if I happened to meet an attractive closeted guy around here I'd certainly consider dating him. But I would do so with the knowledge that it would not amount to a relationship. As long as we both understand that from the start I think it could be fun. But one kind of closeted guy who I would definitely not date would be a married closeted guy.
  • eualdw

    Posts: 3

    Jan 13, 2007 10:14 PM GMT
    I have dated a closeted guy, worked at a food market. I met him at a 'Tea' room, and dated from there several years. Trying not get to close to someone is hard. Have been shut out of some that I really fell for, not good at all. Life is too short, choose carefully, but see something you might like, give it a try, move on. Just too many great guy's out there to date a closeted one for long.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 14, 2007 4:27 PM GMT
    I would have sex with a closeted guy... but trying to form a relationship, or date, or spend any kind of quality time? Nah. Not worth the headache.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 20, 2007 5:44 AM GMT
    I think it depends on where you are in your life. If you are completely out... its hard to date someone who isnt because its a step backward.

    The flips side is most 'DL' guys look for other 'DL' guys, so if you say you are out, they dont want to date you either... lol

    I prefer to date guys at the same level I am. There is less drama. and I dont have to lie about anything. I hate lying.
  • canuckdave

    Posts: 85

    Jan 24, 2007 9:02 AM GMT
    the quote is "closets are for clothes" not relationships, probably not
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    Jan 24, 2007 9:21 AM GMT
    I agree with Dave, why date someone in the closet. If they can't be honest with themselves and others, how can you trust he or she. I have dated a closeted gay man in the past, its no party. I think you should save yourself the grief, and date Dave.
  • UStriathlete

    Posts: 320

    Jan 24, 2007 2:37 PM GMT
    NO, i would not. Too many emotional issues. Also, it's about you, the out guy. why would you be attracted to someone who isn't liked minded? Is this person good for you? Read some of Joe Kort's books. it will put things in perspective about dating.
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    Jan 25, 2007 12:57 AM GMT
    Interesting question for me- let me throw some twists in here.. I'm closeted, and if I had to label myself I'd say I was bi also. I won't elaborate on these because that is not what this topic is about, but it is my situation.
    I have been in a relationship with a guy for almost a year now. He's been out since he was 18. Does it put a strain on things? Yup- but we care for each other, and talk about the situation a lot. I was honest and up front with him from day one, so there was nothing "closeted". When I'm in a relationship, it is totally monogamous as well. I am very in tune with his feelings and do everything in my power to ease them when I have to-
    We get together where he lives (a big City), and I meet with all his friends, co-workers, etc. We have gone away on trips together several times. I am never ashamed to be seen or be with him. And he also knows this.
    I don't want to drag the post out even though there is so much to say. My bottom line opinion is that if you think you like someone, give it a chance and see what happens before you make a decision on a "label".
    Thanks for reading....
  • dfrourke

    Posts: 1062

    Jan 29, 2007 7:00 PM GMT
  • phill

    Posts: 117

    Feb 24, 2007 3:22 AM GMT
    I dont think i could date someone who isnt out. To me its about a level of respect and devotion. If i love someone then i want teh world to know it i want to be able to go anywhere and not care if im judged or not.

    I have dated a man that was nervous of holding hands in utah because of the mormon influence but to me i didnt notice anyone else existed in the world except for him so it didnt matter. If someone loves you and you in turn have that love then why would you care if the world or your inviroment knew about it. I understand in smaller areas that there is the fear of physical harm but i guess to me that doesnt matter because love is trancendental.
  • christomax

    Posts: 30

    Mar 23, 2007 4:28 PM GMT
    I have. He's still a really close person in my life. Would I ever again? Depends on the situation. It's harder, yes, but not impossible. I'd like to see one relationship that doesn't have difficulties or problems, though.

    It just really depends for me.
  • christomax

    Posts: 30

    Mar 23, 2007 4:30 PM GMT
    ..let me follow up with:

    I wouldn't actively seek out someone who is closeted. However, I have to admit, I've had 2 semi long-term relationships (year or so in both cases,) both being closeted...and they were probably the best bf's I've had.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 16, 2007 2:37 AM GMT
    No way, no how. Like the thread said, "closets are for clothes."

    In reality, I find people of low esteem a huge turn off.
  • Paradigm_Shif...

    Posts: 251

    Apr 16, 2007 3:21 AM GMT
    Nope, Never....
  • OptimusMatt

    Posts: 1124

    Apr 16, 2007 7:51 AM GMT
    I am not, nor will I ever be, someone's dirty little secret.
    I don't care where you live - if you're going to live a lie, you're not living with me.
    End of story.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 16, 2007 8:24 AM GMT
    depends on the guy. But probably not cause he would have to be something else. ha
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    Apr 16, 2007 10:15 AM GMT
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 16, 2007 1:35 PM GMT
    WHY NOT? I think if the person is warm with you in public that can be ok. Personally couples that are together in public (gay or straight) who are grabbing each other on the street, it can be a bit tasteless. I would think if you are attracted to someone and the person is of inner qualities then I myself would respect his wishes. Perhaps if the person feels compfortable eventually he will come out.
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    Apr 16, 2007 2:48 PM GMT
    It would depend on what his issues were. I dated a "closeted" pilot in the air force for over a year long distance (btw, thanks tax payers for paying for most of our dates!), but he was in the closet more for the fun of it than because he was embarrassed. Apparently, many people in the military are openly closeted. In other words, the whole image of being "straight" yet wanting to have sex with other guys is a real turn on for some, especially the masculine gay guys. Keeping things mysterious and in the closet helps with the fantasy. Personally I think that's why don't ask, don't tell still persists--it's the gay guys in the military who want to keep it! I stopped seeing the guy because he was too much a player. He didn't mind if I kissed him in public and we often held hands along Chicago's lakefront so long as his squadron wasn't in town with him.
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    Apr 16, 2007 5:25 PM GMT
    For me it would depend upon "how closeted." I've known some guys, not completely out, who have no problems in letting people with whom they do not have a direct connection know that they are gay. And these guys may be fine with public displays of affection etc.

    But, for whatever reason, they haven't completed the "coming out" process to some family members or colleagues. I'd be able to work with that. It took me a while to come out fully, so I am sympathetic to that.

    But I would not be able to handle guys who are so closeted that they are 'self hating." I mean by that their own homophobia also gets passed over to a potential boyfriend or sex-partner, in terms of attitude, almost a portrayal of disgust in dealing with sex, or a partner, and often, religious overtones of denial. (Anyone remember the Forum thread on goy.org?)