Relationships

  • Willingshy

    Posts: 13

    Sep 30, 2015 11:24 PM GMT
    Most everyone I've met on this site wants the same thing...a little love, compassion, and intimacy...but these seemingly simple things seem to be the rarest things to find especially in the Gay culture. Any thoughts or insights as to why?
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    Sep 30, 2015 11:56 PM GMT
    Maybe If you weren't a fake profile the simple things wouldn't seem so rare.
    just my thoughts...
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    Oct 01, 2015 4:36 PM GMT
    It's a case of people thinking that they know what they want, but actually having no clue. It translates in the scenario you mentioned in real life.
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    Oct 01, 2015 4:45 PM GMT
    Razvigor saidIt's a case of people thinking that they know what they want, but actually having no clue. It translates in the scenario you mentioned in real life.

    Yeah, that happened to me in my first almost-relationship. The guy was all gung-ho for a relationship in the beginning when we first started texting/skyping. Once we actually met and things seemed to be getting kinda serious, he told me he thought he wanted a relationship, but realised he wasn't ready for one.
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    Oct 01, 2015 7:01 PM GMT
    swimjammer said
    Yeah, that happened to me in my first almost-relationship. The guy was all gung-ho for a relationship in the beginning when we first started texting/skyping. Once we actually met and things seemed to be getting kinda serious, he told me he thought he wanted a relationship, but realised he wasn't ready for one.


    That's the main problem I think for the entire community. People want a relationship and a sense of stability and consistency, yet they are not ready for commitment or limiting their sexual experience. At least in your case the guy ended things and wen't his own way, hopefully figuring his shit out.

    I can't stress how many times I've been asked the "open" question. "Opening the doors to new experiences", to quote one of my exes. I think certain people are in love with the idea of a relationship, and they hang on the romanticized notions of it, but really they just want to fuck around and have an excuse of an "open relationship" to avoid being considered a promiscuous pig.
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    Oct 02, 2015 12:26 AM GMT
    dustin_K_tx saidMaybe If you weren't a fake profile the simple things wouldn't seem so rare.
    just my thoughts...

    Is he??
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    Oct 02, 2015 5:03 AM GMT
    Razvigor said
    swimjammer said
    Yeah, that happened to me in my first almost-relationship. The guy was all gung-ho for a relationship in the beginning when we first started texting/skyping. Once we actually met and things seemed to be getting kinda serious, he told me he thought he wanted a relationship, but realised he wasn't ready for one.


    That's the main problem I think for the entire community. People want a relationship and a sense of stability and consistency, yet they are not ready for commitment or limiting their sexual experience. At least in your case the guy ended things and wen't his own way, hopefully figuring his shit out.

    I can't stress how many times I've been asked the "open" question. "Opening the doors to new experiences", to quote one of my exes. I think certain people are in love with the idea of a relationship, and they hang on the romanticized notions of it, but really they just want to fuck around and have an excuse of an "open relationship" to avoid being considered a promiscuous pig.


    Interesting that you said this. I was actually thinking that his reason for not wanting a relationship with me was because he's not ready to commit. He did tell me he was monogamous and maybe he just wasn't ready to do that yet.

    I wonder if that's because of their lifestyle? He told me he's been going to bathhouses and meeting people online for oral ever since his early college days. He's 37 now. I have another friend that's 35 and still does the same even though he's been in a committed relationship for the past 7 years. His bf doesn't know, or at least doesn't acknowledge it. Do you think that some guys become so used to randomly having casual sex that it becomes a part of their life that they can't do without?
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 873

    Oct 02, 2015 5:39 AM GMT
    Any gay guy can commit himself to a monogamous relationship if he chooses to do so. The point is that relatively few guys want to do it.

    You are trading your freedom in choosing your sexual partners for a notion of homestead stability and societally sanctioned happiness. To some guys, this is a good deal. To the others, it ain't.

    Unless you bump into a dude who shares your ideal of happiness as being the one that includes monogamy, and the two of you click on all the other levels, the prospects of a LT, monogamous relationship are dim.

    In theory, quite a few guys see a monogamous, LTR as something desirable. When it comes to the nitty-gritty details of daily grind coupled with the looming monogamy, a dude is more likely than not to run for the hills, and leave his ideals to the world of ideals...

    Just like with so many other things in contemporary living, guys are looking for the ways to eat their cake and still have it. They would move in together, (or not), share some expenses, have a point of reference and support in each other but still feel free to meet other dudes for sex only.

    This is certainly NOT everyone's dream scenario but an increasingly popular arrangement which seems to be working well for a number of guys who are connected to a point but do not wish to lose all of their freedom either.

    SC
  • transient

    Posts: 211

    Oct 02, 2015 10:37 AM GMT
    This issue is so close to home its unreal.

    My ex-partner (currently going through messy breakup) lead me to believe for 8 years that we were monogamous.

    We planned our life together, pooled our finances, lived together, bought a property together and moved to a foreign country.

    Its become quite clear that he was never monogamous throughout this time, freely cheating on me.

    I cant understand how someone could do this.

    One or two years into the relationship, I caught him. I wish I had kicked him to the curb then.

    He lied at first and said I was imagining it and when I gave him the proof, he cried and cried saying it was just a moment of weakness and if I forgave him he would be devoted to me.

    It was sincere from his part, and I believed it........ but it was bullshit.

    We have been living abroad in a very isolated spot and my partner was working in the UK one week out of 5.

    I trusted him.

    Guess what....... he was living a double life and carrying on as a single guy when in the UK.


    I dont know why people do this decietfull disrespectfull bullshit.

    Its like a long-con.




  • Oct 02, 2015 5:19 PM GMT
    Many gay men are fickle. Many dont know what they want though think they do. Many think they can find something better than what they already have. Many are narcissists which is not a personality trait conducive to maintaining a relationship. This is only the tip of many issues pertaining to many gay men and relationships, or lack there of.

  • Oct 02, 2015 5:20 PM GMT
    Oh. and add , many are looking for perfection even though perfection does not exist.
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    Oct 03, 2015 2:48 PM GMT
    What people say they want and what they are willing to work for are two different things.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4434

    Oct 03, 2015 5:47 PM GMT
    Funny, I know a lot of happily partered couples. Whether they choose to be open or closed or somewhere in between, concerns no one but them. Happiness comes from the meeting of minds and emotions between two people with a thousand moments in their lives that led them to where they are today. Relationships are tollerant and understanding and loving. Everyone has flaws and weaknesses. Love requires that you accept the whole person, not some selected attributes. In my experience, you can fall in love quickly, but a mature, loving relationship requires a constant commitment to continue to love. And care for his happiness. That is the "work" they talk about in a marriage. That said, it is also true that not every guy is someone you can love. And sometimes it just won't work.
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    Oct 03, 2015 7:57 PM GMT
    There are guys who know what they want but are afraid to articulate them out of fear that their bf/lover/partner will find them unacceptable.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4434

    Oct 03, 2015 10:46 PM GMT
    DOMINUS saidThere are guys who know what they want but are afraid to articulate them out of fear that their bf/lover/partner will find them unacceptable.

    True. And sad. It is a courageous guy who confesses his worst self-assessed demons. But ya gotta to get the ultimate thing we all want, total confidence in your partner's love. And it must be rociprical. Most guys wait too long.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Oct 04, 2015 12:19 AM GMT
    A lot of gay guys want these things until they blow their loads,then things change rather quickly. We all need to work on loving ourselves first..When this is achieved, our hearts will truly be open to love another.
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    Oct 04, 2015 6:38 PM GMT
    Destinharbor saidHappiness comes from the meeting of minds and emotions between two people with a thousand moments in their lives that led them to where they are today. Relationships are tollerant and understanding and loving. Everyone has flaws and weaknesses. Love requires that you accept the whole person, not some selected attributes. In my experience, you can fall in love quickly, but a mature, loving relationship requires a constant commitment to continue to love. And care for his happiness. That is the "work" they talk about in a marriage. That said, it is also true that not every guy is someone you can love. And sometimes it just won't work.


    I like this.
  • Willingshy

    Posts: 13

    Oct 05, 2015 11:33 PM GMT
    Thanks to everyone for their responses as it makes me realize that the situation I am in is not unique to me.

    I am finding that most guys I meet tend to want to use me (or anyone else) for sex and about half of them get 'upset' when I want them to use a condom because they want me to 'trust' them.

    Anyone encounter this in their dating or relationships?
  • Guido4real69

    Posts: 87

    Oct 06, 2015 12:31 AM GMT
    Willingshy saidThanks to everyone for their responses as it makes me realize that the situation I am in is not unique to me.

    I am finding that most guys I meet tend to want to use me (or anyone else) for sex and about half of them get 'upset' when I want them to use a condom because they want me to 'trust' them.

    Anyone encounter this in their dating or relationships?
    yes , I'm not going down that road again . Ever again . Not gonna be someone's fuck buddy
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    Oct 06, 2015 2:19 AM GMT
    because men let their sexual urges over ride any hope of any romance when getting to know a guy first. Lets get something straight, sex does not constitute as intimacy. Compassion does not exist in a soul that has any self pride, and love is something that is earned through hard work. It's quite different then what the fairy tales have told.
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    Oct 07, 2015 12:39 AM GMT
    swimjammer said

    Interesting that you said this. I was actually thinking that his reason for not wanting a relationship with me was because he's not ready to commit. He did tell me he was monogamous and maybe he just wasn't ready to do that yet.

    I wonder if that's because of their lifestyle? He told me he's been going to bathhouses and meeting people online for oral ever since his early college days. He's 37 now. I have another friend that's 35 and still does the same even though he's been in a committed relationship for the past 7 years. His bf doesn't know, or at least doesn't acknowledge it. Do you think that some guys become so used to randomly having casual sex that it becomes a part of their life that they can't do without?


    Most men just want to fuck around. Many don't even use excuses anymore. If you ask questions, you get the "mind your own business" thing, or "are you gonna fuck me or not? I didn't message you for a lesson in morality".

    Which is why I'm extremely picky with guys. Since if this is what I have to look forward to ... celibacy sounds just fine with me.


    It usually ends in one of two scenarios:

    They enter a relationship > they start acting funny > give you the "open talk" to spice things up > they open your relationship to other people;

    or

    They enter a relationship > they start acting funny > give you the "open talk" to spice things up > you say no way hose > they cheat on you behind your back;

    If you are looking for monogamy, that there is a lose-lose situation.


    PS: Bathhouses are not exactly the places where you pick marriage material men. If he can't get serious enough for a serious relationship at 37 they probably won't be up for marriage any time soon either. You are better off with somebody else. Or with just you. Whatever seems less stressful.
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    Oct 07, 2015 12:44 AM GMT
    DOMINUS saidThere are guys who know what they want but are afraid to articulate them out of fear that their bf/lover/partner will find them unacceptable.


    Depends what they want. If they want a male harem of booties, they have no business hiding that from their partner and going behind their back, being "afraid of unacceptance".
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    Oct 08, 2015 10:28 AM GMT
    I think it's because guys who party too hard become jaded and mean, not able to feel anything anymore. Or they are afraid to fall in love, they just want to sleep around, it's less complicated because being in a relationship actually takes a lot of work. icon_razz.gificon_eek.gif
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 873

    Oct 08, 2015 5:26 PM GMT
    UndercoverMan saidWhat people say they want and what they are willing to work for are two different things.


    Yup. This is a major cultural trait.

    How many people are telling you to put your money where your mouth is vs. those who justify everything with the notion that, 'well, this was a kind/nice thought', so, anything goes...

    The rampant lack of personal integrity looks like a fine plan in the beginning, allowing everyone to do as he pleases. Soon enough, everybody realizes that nothing is achieved at all because no one wants to commit himself to any of the promises he has made. We are all here to restlessly promote our own agendas, and personal integrity is just an unnecessary obstacle on our way to happiness. Once the guys realize that the plan really does not work, it is usually far too late.


    SC