Long Distance Reltionships....

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 06, 2007 12:10 PM GMT
    Can a Long Distance Relationship "LDR" work in the gay world? My experience has been frustrating...Ive met two great guys...both LA area boys (maybe thats my problem)...who I shared phenomonal times and connection with...both of whom stated they were willing to relocate to Atlanta for me (I cant relocate for personal reasons)....only to have both of them...DISAPPEAR on me....out of the blue with no warning...one day telling me they love me...literally the next...no return of phone calls, texts, emails...etc....POOF....GONE!!!!

    So I wont be doing that anymore...but Im curious...can a LDR work...or are all California guys FLAKES? Comments???
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Oct 06, 2007 2:57 PM GMT
    From what I have seen, a long distance relationship really only works when it's a temporary thing. Like 2 guys that have been together for awhile and one has to relocate. They have frequent visits until one or the other can relocate so they can be together again.

    I can't see how it would work for two guys who have met online or briefly in person. I'd be a little wary of someone who says they are willing to just up and move to be closer to you without some kind of established history.
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    Oct 06, 2007 4:07 PM GMT
    I agree with Timberoo. It's possible to meet a guy online and hit something off but it hasn't worked for me yet either. I think some kind of in-person established connection is necessary for it to be truly successful.
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    Oct 06, 2007 4:10 PM GMT
    Haven't you heard of MAD, the doctrine of Mutually Assured Disposability?

    Seriously, I've seen a number of LDR's that came about because the modern paradigm in science careers is a series of 3 to 5 year assignments. People get married or engaged, then can't find their next jobs within 1000 miles of each other. So they try the LDR thing. It never lasts.

    Your case sounds a bit more like boys looking for a sugar daddy. If they don't see enough sugar, they stop wasting their time and move on to the next mark. With me, it usually takes them about fifteen seconds.
  • bigguysf

    Posts: 329

    Oct 06, 2007 4:32 PM GMT
    Funny you brought up this topic, as I was recently on the verge of starting a LDR with a guy from Atlanta. It didn't work out for various reasons (him = jackass), but I don't regret the attempt though. I agree that LDR's can work for some people really well, because the separation helps provide a good buffer. But for me, it's gotta a be a temporary thing for the purpose of relocation.

    Yeah, it gets a little uncomfortable at times as feelings start to grow and the separation becomes hard with respect to both the emotional and physical needs. But if the end goal, finally being together in the same city, is kept in focus, then it should be okay.

    Lots of talking (about the big and small stuff), high phone bills, traveling to see one another and keep the 'real' connection... it can be a challenge. But if both parties stay honest about their needs and feelings AND think that the end goal is worth the work, it's all good.

    I won't rule out trying again in the future, but odds are good I'll try to find something closer. And don't slam the LA boys too much for flaking. I certainly wouldn't want to think that all Atlanta boys are as much of a jackass as the guy I was beginning to see.
    FLAKES ARE EVERYWHERE! icon_razz.gif
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Oct 06, 2007 6:47 PM GMT
    Masc-
    I don't think anyone should have to relocate to find love(Ie: Family, job, personal reasons all valid.) unless you live in a place where there is a very limited dating pool. Atlanta is def not one of them.

    Long distance is tough to maintain in any type of relationship gay, straight or even with friendships.

    Personally I think it is best to make your intentions clear and upfront. If you are looking for a realationship, hook up or friendship. If it's a realationship you want, I think it's best not to have sex before REAL feelings develop, the problem with most relationships gay and straight is that most people make the mistake of putting the cart before the horse, meaning they start of with things in a relationship like sex, that should not happen after a few dates or before really getting to know someone. Then you have no foundation or reason for staying in it. For myself, I couldn't consider someone I slept with in a week or two a good dating prospect. It was just about sex then. The I love you stuff should come in reasonable time not while your in bed. When it comes to men, if it is a relationship you seek, the I love you should be from the big head not the little one.

    If you are willing to invest more time up front and build a realationship, I strongly believe it has a greater chance of working out. Just an opinion from one guy.

    I'm no dating expert but I have not had problems finding someone I would call dating material. My last relationships have been 8 yrs 1 yr and currently 4 yrs and still going strong.

    Good Luck!

    Mike3
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    Oct 06, 2007 7:06 PM GMT
    Some people love to call. I think these people are good candidates for LDR. I'm not one of those people. I really find telephone conversations a bit irritating. I can certainly talk talk talk on the phone. But that stage of the relationship is something I want to move past quickly and get to the face-to-face part. If I was going to try a LDR, I'd have to set it up where we had Video phones. Whatever the cost was for quality video and audio - it would have to be invested in.

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    Oct 06, 2007 7:11 PM GMT
    I've been in an "LDR" for the last year and a half. It's tough. Really tough, and it gets expensive flying back and forth every 4-6 weeks. But it is 100% worth it.

    I'm totally in love with him, so it seems like a small price to pay. However, I don't think it would work if we both didn't work 60 hrs. a week or more. Keeping busy definitely helps, and we are both in a place in our lives where we don't have any other options open.

    I'm off to Africa, and then med school, and who knows where that will take me. And I wouldn't want him to follow me and give up his dreams. My hope is to get in a med. school that would be a good place for both of us to relocate to, but who knows if that will happen.

    Right now we are enjoying the time we do have together. This guy has made me a better man in 100 different ways, and the hard work has been worth it completely. I wouldn't take it back for anything. If it doesn't work out, I am still a better man for knowing him, and so is he. We are really supportive of each other and want each of us to pursue our dreams, whether that is together or apart.

    I was always against the long distance thing, but when you find the right guy, you find the right guy. No way around that ya know?
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    Oct 06, 2007 7:30 PM GMT
    Hey Mascjockatl I've been in an LDR with two guys before and they both flaked out on me when i offered to move. So, i don't think its a regional but a global problem lol...

    the reason LDR don't work because gay guys get to have their cake and eat it to. They have someone yet there not around locally so they can do whatever the fuck they want, but still romantacize about having the one, love etc., yet can still live out their life as a single gm.

    Gay relationships are hard enough to mantain locally without adding the pressures of distance.

    If you ever meet someone from a distance online and you actually do meet just have hot Sexxx and move on but make sure that's understood by both consenting homos...

    There is a silver lining to the LDR
    If and when the relationship[ goes bad your Ex can't stalk you in person....lol
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Oct 07, 2007 12:21 AM GMT
    sigp339I agree with Timberoo.


    icon_biggrin.gif The man of the day agrees with me. icon_biggrin.gif
  • zakariahzol

    Posts: 2241

    Oct 07, 2007 12:36 AM GMT
    I dont believe it will work. I have 2 home , a house in a suburban and a city apartment in the capital. (5 hour apart of each other). The last relationship I have , my bf lived in my city apartment while I stay in my house in the suburban where I work. I usually meet him during the weekend. Guess what, he cheat on me when I am not around , bring other guys even girl back having sex on my bed. It not entirely his fault though, he is young , full with energy and sexual desire and my absence make him stray.
    It to bad most of the guys I dated is in the city, and hardly any in the town where I work. I dont say I will never do LTR again but than it take extra work and special ,more committed men in order to make it work.
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    Oct 07, 2007 12:52 AM GMT
    Mascjock, sorry to hear about your bad experience. I really think though that it is all in the individuals. You have to be able to get to know each other, whether that is by phone, letters or visits. Like any relationship there has to be communication. Also you know people will say anything in a times of loneliness or emotional distress.

    Ultimately you have to be able to spend time with someone to get to know them, but I don't think that means being physically present. Eventually you will have to be together though, and there is the big obstacle for people .. can I uproot myself for this person? There are many factors in answering that question, but what would you not do for love (assuming it is really there)?

    As far as those specific guys, the sooner uncertain people are out of your life the better. Here is a kiss for your forehead [smack]!
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    Oct 07, 2007 12:58 AM GMT
    I just went through this with a flake.

    He's in LA. There was chemistry there, so the emails became a phone call last December. Three emails after that call, he said "I love you." That was Red flag number 1.

    I refused to say "I love you" until we met and spent time together. At Christmas, I was nearly buried in presents from him. Red flag number 2. In March, he announced that he'd made plans to move here in August, had bought my plane ticket to come and help him move, and he was coming here in June for my birthday. Red flag number 3. In May, he started using racial epithets like they were nothing, stated he was buying a gun when he got back here regardless of me not wanting it in the house, got jealous of my new cat and threatened it, and kept sending flowers and presents for no reason. Red flags number 4 through 100.

    In June he came for his visit, looking nothing like his pictures and having the most negative, possessive attitude I've ever encountered. I had to fight him off the whole time he was here. Final red flag.

    In July, I told him it wasn't going to happen, I wasn't in love and I wanted him to leave me alone. He still thinks we have a chance. icon_rolleyes.gif FLAKE!!!
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Oct 07, 2007 9:44 AM GMT
    The thing about long distance relationships is that they are mostly fantasy
    to have a true "relationship" you need to be together for a good period of time
    LDR's don't have that
    .... so, things that really aren't true can be added to the mix
    and negative items can be forgotten
    can they work?
    usually no... but if you're really diligent and made for each other who can say
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    Oct 07, 2007 11:16 AM GMT
    Our experience

    My partner-to-be and I dated long distance (SF-DC) for 9 months. After about 7 months, I called him and said that being apart from him was intolerable, and that I was prepared to leave my job, sell the house, pack up the puppy, and move to suburban Virginia to be with him. His response - "No, it will be better if I come out there."

    Years later he told me that he was waiting, in part, to see how far I was prepared to go for us to be together.

    (If I've not gotten this entirely correct, he's on RealJock and can put the story right - my memory tends to drift on a few details.)

    It took another 2 months for him to negotiate the sale of his business and get his affairs in order.

    We did not consider ourselves 'partners' until we were actually living together. He arrived Christmas Day, we pre-filed for domestic partnership that week, and by January 4th we were the 85th Registered Domestic Partnership in the state.

    A different situation

    I've known couples who, after having been together for some years, found themselves temporarily (up to several years) having to live in different cities for job reasons. They made it work with frequent visits and constant communication.
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    Oct 07, 2007 10:31 PM GMT
    thanks Guys, I will try not to generalize that all LA guys are flakes...even though they both did the EXACT same thing and jsut disappeared....why not call and say..."ive had second thoughts"...."Its just not going to work"??? Id completely understand that because I had doubts too but felt we had enought foundation to keep it going....common courtesy to explain yourself...not just disappear...

    But interesting commentary from you guys on the subject...glad to see it worked out for you PS Joey! Thats awesome!!
  • MikePhilPerez

    Posts: 4357

    Oct 07, 2007 10:43 PM GMT
    Yes a long distance relationship can work, but you have to be committed to it, and it is not easy. My LDR of 7 years (if you start from the first time we communicated) just seen each other for two months of the year is coming to an end this December.

    We are not breaking up. He is coming to live here with me. The next step is the wedding icon_smile.gif

    In that length of time we have never cheated on each other.

    So yes it can and does work.

    Mike
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Oct 09, 2007 2:50 AM GMT
    The long distance thing can be a challenge but my partner and I just celebrated 9 years as a couple and all but about 2 years has been long distance..

    The LD thing is in state however and he lives about 100 miles from Wichita. There are issues, but the main reason it works is he is very mature, doesn't worry about what I'm doing or who its with. And I in turn cherish that trust. We are also both flexible (lol, at least in this way).... We do hope to eventually live together. That might in fact be the biggest challenge for us.
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    Oct 30, 2007 9:01 PM GMT
    I was in a long-distance relationship just over a year ago......we were only 3 1/2 hours drive apart. It didn't work out after 5 months, because of the distance. Had either of us moved closer, we would've continued to date, but it wasn't fair to either of us to only see each other on weekends.
    It's hard if you have a bad day and just want to cuddle with someone that night, but have to wait a week or so. Spontaneity is what is great about a relationship, and that is lost when you live apart.
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    Aug 31, 2012 1:49 AM GMT
    Question, how about a LDR where I'd be away for 3 and a half months, so I am able to see him for a month, then again, only three and a half months more. Do you think this person would wait for you, if this person truly enjoyed you? Would you be able to wait this long?
    Thanks

    *Edit: I do know him, we talk to each other often..!
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    Aug 31, 2012 2:00 AM GMT
    relationships are first trust and compassion before they include passion.

    People say their long distance relationships don't last but I'm sure half the men dating a dude down the block break up before 5 months is up.
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    Aug 31, 2012 2:01 AM GMT
    from my experience you have to meet that person in the flesh first. it cant be done online :/ and you have to see each other as often as you possibly can otherwise it just fizzles out
  • UGAdawg

    Posts: 62

    Aug 31, 2012 2:08 AM GMT
    I think it can be done...its always tough because you really want to see each other but you cant which makes it hard...I'm talking to this guy right now and he is really great. He lives about 7 hours away so its not impossible for us to see each other, buy I think the big thing to have in a long distance relationship is hope and if it doesn't work out then it doesn't workout. I really hope me and this guy workout though
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    Aug 31, 2012 2:10 AM GMT
    I definitely believe they can work. I was in one for nearly a year. The reason it ended wasn't because of the distance, but because I experienced a mid-life crisis and couldn't emotionally handle all the stress. If you find someone you truly click with and love, it will work!
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    Aug 31, 2012 2:36 AM GMT
    ...this is OBVIOUSLY a two-way story. I say a long-distance relationship CAN work, but you both have to be upfront and honest, and you need to be open to letting yourselves be vulnerable with each other. Pride has NO PLACE in these types of relationships.
    You can't relocate due to whatever reason, but you need to show them in other ways that YOU are not saying that YOUR JOB and YOU are MORE IMPORTANT than them. If you can't give up your job in order to be in a relationship, what are you willing to give up? It can't feel lopsided, here. Those guys in L.A. had a lot to give up... perfect weather, beatiful scenery (people and atmosphere-wise), lots to do, great career opportunities, the entertainment industry...the list goes on.
    I know that Atlanta is an up and coming area..but it is still nothing compared to Los Angeles. What did you provide for them in order for them to feel that moving to Atlanta would/could be worth their while? What were they going to be getting out of this relationship security-wise, and i am NOT talking about financially! If it could seem to them that they would be giving up more than you would (in order to give this relationship a try), then THAT is probably why it didn't work.