Me Vs. My Boyfriend's Friends.... Can't take it much longer.

  • tomderon94

    Posts: 11

    Oct 09, 2015 4:01 AM GMT
    I’ve been in a near to perfect relationship with my guy for nearly a year now. I know that he loves me, he says it every day. I know he cares for me, and he has said to me many times that he is 101% invested in me. And I believe it. We get along really well, there's a lot of chemistry and after a year we are stronger and happier together than ever. There’s only one issue I have ever had with him yet it keeps occurring way too often and always leaves me in a very emotionally distressed state.

    He is an extremely loving, caring, thoughtful and SOCIAL person. His friends are HIS LIFE. And he is THEIR LIFE. He would do anything for them. He has around 6 girlfriends that he could call sisters as he is so close to them, he has known two of them since he was a little boy that he has met through family-friends or school. When he’s not with me - he’s with them.

    They are basically on the same level of relationship as me - the only difference is he isn’t sexually attracted to them like he is with me of course! I remember once when he was drunk, one of his girlfriends asked why she wasn’t invited to his little sisters holy communion but I was. He said “because I put my dick in him!” - in other words, because the only difference is that we have sex.

    1. When he is with them, he will ignore my texts, or reply with a vague one word uncared for response. He says it’s on a principle of him believing you shouldn’t be on your phone when you’re with someone else. But can’t he make an exception with the person he loves so much? He goes on his phone when he’s with me? As soon as I received a text from him, my heart stops and I open and respond to it straight away no matter where I am or who Im with.

    2. When I am with him, he talks a lot about them. They are frequently on his mind and he is always smiling and laughing when he does.

    3. When I am with him and his girlfriends, I have always felt invisible. A lot of what I say he tends to disregard, while he will spend a lot of time laughing his head off when his friends say something ‘funny’. I will be the one in the backseat, or at the back of the room while he is having the time of his life with his friends. This is now the reason I avoid any social situations with him and his friends as much as possible. When he is with my friends, I treat him like a boyfriend - my priority over anyone else.

    4. He see’s them more than he sees me in a week

    5. When I went on holidays with him overseas for 5 weeks, I would read his texts saying that he wants to come home and he missed them too much. Yeah, it killed me.

    6. He's a completely different person around them. He is a lot more confident, happy and buzzing. He won't stop laughing and pulling jokes, something I see less of when its just me and him alone.

    I have discussed this issue with him an uncountable amount of times. He always says that “he needs to get his priorities straight” and that he prefers my company to theirs. Which I know for a fact is not true, unless he’s horny of course.

    He always apologises about it and promises me it wont happen again. Nothing has changed since we started dating in regards to this issue, no matter how many times I’ve told him.

    Yeah, I’m jealous. But I am so sick of feeling like this. No matter who he’s with, I get jealous. Am I being irrational and oversensitive, or would you be bothered by this to?

    When I had imagined a "significant other" or a boyfriend before I entered my first relationship (this one I'm in) I thought that they were your everything. That you would always prioritise them, not because you have to, but because you want to. Maybe my perceptions were wrong.

    I am spending a full day with him and his friends tomorrow for his birthday, and I am so stressed about it. I've been dreading the day for months now, because I know i'm going to leave it feeling like shit. I'm going to be in the background again, the odd one out, while he has the time of his life with his friends.
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    Oct 09, 2015 4:27 AM GMT
    Honestly if it's bothering you this much and he hasn't done jack about it. I would reconsider the relationship. If he doesn't make you feel involved with his friends when you are with him then that just shows that his priorities is not to get you intertwined in his social circle.

    Sometimes a break up could lead to people's realization of what they are truly missing once they lose it. In my case it has been that way every time. Granted my pride was too big for me to take them back, so I can't really give any further advice regarding occurrences after a break up lol.

    but good luck!
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 874

    Oct 09, 2015 5:48 AM GMT
    I cannot think of any gay guy who does not know a guy like your BF.

    Wow. He lives for his friends and family. He loves them to no end. If it were up to him, he would be spending every waking moment with them. They are the center of his life and he is the very epicenter of their lives.

    Enters a new LTR partner. A guy who either puts his dick in him or takes his cock, as your BF pointed out. Sure, this dude is important, too. I mean, we are having sex, rite? And I like him a lot, and he means a lot to me, on some different level. But I do not share all of my past and all of my hi(storie)s with him. He is a bit of a welcome newcomer. And he can be taken for granted, rite? (Did I mention that I put my cock in him? So, he must be so happy with it, that he does not need much more. I mean, the dude, scored a big time, didn't he? What else could he really want?)

    The big issue here is that he owns his friends, and his friends own him, too. A foreign vacation? They are missing each other sick... This goes on to tell you that your BF and his friends suffer from a bit of infantile Peter Pan syndrome here. They are holding dearly onto their closely-knit friendships because these are the very last bonds they have with their fleeting youth. Giving up on that closeness, recognizing that you are no more a HS kid, that you now have a steady partner and are looking into other kinds of friendships more suited for couples and adults is a total no-go.

    I doubt that your BF will change despite many of his promises to do so. You are always there anyway. He has a place to put his dick into, talk some 'reason' into you and make a few promises when you start complaining too much...

    Consider revising your schedule. If he is spending his time with his friends keeping you in the back seat, you really could be doing something else instead. If he wants to spend the time with you, than it will have to be with you, AND not with his friends and you, and it will have to be on your conditions, too.

    It is really his call. Stop being universally available. Stop being taken for granted. Make him understand that he either really has to change his ways or you won't be there for him unconditionally.

    SC
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    Oct 09, 2015 6:29 AM GMT
    This guy is putting you on. HE IS JUST NOT INTO YOU! He could even be Bi-sexual. If he loves you so much, you should be first in everything. If he ignores you, when he is with his other friends, then you are 'His Playmate'.
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    Oct 09, 2015 10:15 AM GMT
    If you aren't shy or introverted, you should try to socialize with his buddies like he does. I'm sure he's going to appreciate it a lot!
  • tomderon94

    Posts: 11

    Oct 09, 2015 11:51 AM GMT
    Talon saidHonestly if it's bothering you this much and he hasn't done jack about it. I would reconsider the relationship. If he doesn't make you feel involved with his friends when you are with him then that just shows that his priorities is not to get you intertwined in his social circle.

    Sometimes a break up could lead to people's realization of what they are truly missing once they lose it. In my case it has been that way every time. Granted my pride was too big for me to take them back, so I can't really give any further advice regarding occurrences after a break up lol.

    but good luck!


    Tomorrow is the big test. All of his girlfriends will be going. There will be alcohol. I have been feeling very nervous about it, and he noticed that today asking me "why are you acting quiet?". I didn't tell him.
  • tomderon94

    Posts: 11

    Oct 09, 2015 11:52 AM GMT
    VanillaIce saidIf you aren't shy or introverted, you should try to socialize with his buddies like he does. I'm sure he's going to appreciate it a lot!


    I have in the past. I get on with all of them really well. Especially one.... to the point where he got pissy with me for being "too close" to her and kept saying "if you like her so much, why don't you date her".
  • tomderon94

    Posts: 11

    Oct 09, 2015 11:55 AM GMT
    Fine_Young_Cannibal saidThis guy is putting you on. HE IS JUST NOT INTO YOU! He could even be Bi-sexual. If he loves you so much, you should be first in everything. If he ignores you, when he is with his other friends, then you are 'His Playmate'.


    I mean he could be bi, he comes off incredibly straight. I've asked him if he would ever have sex with a girl, and he said "yuck".

    I feel like I used ignoring in the wrong term. He will listen to me, and he will consider what I say, but he will respond a lot more (and with smiles and laughter) at what his girlfriends say when compared to me. It's all a matter of comparison.

    Today in the car (as his birthday party is tomorrow where all his girlfriends will be) he said "I really hope you don't feel left out tomorrow. I will be with you the whole time, of course", as he is aware of my thoughts towards it all. But yeah right, as if that's gonna happen. And I know if he is with me the whole time, it's because he feels like he has to be, not because he wants to be.
  • tomderon94

    Posts: 11

    Oct 09, 2015 11:57 AM GMT
    Please note that there is a lot of good in him too. It's 80% good, with that 20% (his obsession with his friends) spreading its tentacles through and around that 80% of good.
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    Oct 09, 2015 1:08 PM GMT
    My take is somewhat different. I get the feeling that you consider his relationship with his friends as competition. Not once in your post have you ever mentioned your own friends. It almost sounds like your world revolves around him. That's unhealthy and will threaten to ruin your relationship.

    You two have been together for a year and he's known them for a lifetime. You have to accept that they will always be in his life and there's nothing wrong with that.

    For example, I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years now. We each have childhood friends. My chemistry with my best friend from high school is different from my chemistry with my boyfriend because the humor, the flow, etc are all coming from different experiences.

    You're a lot more blessed than you believe. Most guys in your position would be worried about their guy being faithful
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    Oct 09, 2015 1:18 PM GMT
    Let me relate my own experience when I met my guy, that may contain some similarities. And I like to use personal anecdotes like this rather than offer theories and speculations.

    He's also very social - EXTREMELY social. I consider that a strength, one that I can borrow, since I'm not so social myself, despite liking people.

    Well, at first his friends were very protective of this guy I had begun to date. I gather they'd seen him exploited and hurt in the past. It was THEY who often tried to exclude me from their circle, not his doing. I referred to it as "circling the wagons".

    But I thought this was a good sign, for 2 reasons. One, that he had very loyal and loving friends, some he'd known well over 20 years. These were good guys worth getting to know, even if it might be an uphill fight for me.

    Second, it meant that if my new BF was this highly regarded and protected by his friends, then he must be a pretty good guy, too. The resistance I was encountering only increased my admiration for him and for his friends.

    Now my challenge was to win his friends over, as well as his family I was just beginning to meet. It's always been my goal to become friends of the friends of the guy I was dating. Because it will please him, and keeps me from being excluded. Plus I'm less likely to be bad-mouthed by them behind my back, undermining me with the guy who really matters to me.

    Well, it worked. To the point I eased back a little, when he began to remark, to me and to others, that his friends like me more than they do him, and same for his family. Which of course could never happen. But I've encountered that ultra-touchy Italian jealousy before, so I've got another balancing act to work here.

    But the result is that I've become a routine part of their social circle. They don't invite him without me. And I've benefited because I'm always at my guy's side when he's with them (he became my partner, whom I prefer to call my husband even before we make the marriage arrangements). And I've also gained a great bunch of friends. We're having Thanksgiving dinner with one of these couples this year.
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    Oct 09, 2015 1:33 PM GMT
    He had a rich and fun life before he met you and if you keep being so needy he can always return to that life without you. Maybe you need more friends of your own and learn to live your own life without being such a texting, needy and insecure friend.
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    Oct 09, 2015 1:34 PM GMT
    Actions speak louder than words except for that little gem where he tells his friend: "because I put my dick in him." [cue the sound of screeching brakes] This is what he thinks of you?! A cum dump? To reduce your relationship to a sex act?! That was beyond the pale. He could have just as easily said that seating was limited and of course he would invite the person he loves so much to attend with him. No, he freely chose to present you as a fuck buddy.

    Take off the rose colored glasses. This guy ain't the Prince Charming you're pretending he is.
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    Oct 09, 2015 2:30 PM GMT
    not superficial in a relationship:
    -a partner makes a lot more than the other
    -one is a lot more social
    -taking a lot more risks in life
    -someone has little self love

    there will always be something but either you have the native ability to ignore it or you will never trust/respect your partner.
  • mar0302

    Posts: 273

    Oct 09, 2015 2:46 PM GMT
    Maybe I'm thinking about this the wrong way compared to everyone else.. but I guess I'll add a different perspective..

    First, I agree that in a relationship your partner comes first.. and I think he's clearly got some work to do in that sense.. even if he has put you first on some things (you said yourself, you went to the baptism and his friends didn't), you don't FEEL like he does.. which is also important.

    At the same time, if you're trying to stop him from being close to his friends it's going to backfire on you.. and his comment about "I put my dick in him" I took as a slap in the face to his friend for asking such a stupid question.. he was clearly trying to set a boundary to say that you go because you're his bf, and she's not. It's a bit crass, but I think it would have made the point to her..

    But, I think you've also got to think about why this bothers you so much. It seems like you've got some confidence or self esteem issues that you need to work out. Your bf had these friends before you met him, he continues to have them, and he said he'll try to make some changes for you. At the same time, a lot of the things you mentioned seem to sound a lot like jealousy rather than real issues (in my opinion).

    He's extremely loving and caring, but he talks about his friends and he doesn't want to be rude by texting you a lot when he's with them so he only responds with brief messages or it takes him a long time to respond (or maybe doesn't even notice your texts because he's not checked his phone). Ok, so far it sounds fair and reasonable.

    Then you said he's different around his friends, which also is normal. I have different friends that bring out different sides of me, and I like them as friends for that reason. And the comment about wishing his was home with his friends - first why are you reading his texts?!?!?! - second - it could be something akin to him missing them because he's having so much fun and wanting to share the experience with his mates too, or it could be something as simple as saying it because it will make his friends feel better.

    Remember - There's a reason he's with you as a person, and he's caring with you, it's because you bring something that they don't. if he wanted to be with his friends instead of you, he would be. You can't change that if it happened anyway.

    A lot of times people in relationships become dependent upon each other emotionally to feel good. It seems like you're at risk of that happening. You've been with him nearly a year now, and you said yourself it's "near perfect". If you are really unhappy you can try to find someone that you think will be more dependent on you, as you are on your partner but the better response (in my opinion - again take it or leave it!) is that you focus on your own friendships, so you don't feel so left out or lonely when your partner is off with his friends - and set some "couples" times that are specifically dedicated to the two of you, and some rules around not texting during those times. Both of those things will make you more confident, but also allow you to spend more quality time with each other, without making him feel guilty about his relationships with his friends.
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    Oct 09, 2015 4:19 PM GMT
    I also would like to understand what your own friend situation is. Do you have friends you hang out with, without him? Did you bring friendships into the relationship?

    I'm a lot more social than my BF, and he's fine with that because he works his ass off and also needs alone time to decompress after being "on" all day at work. I introduce him to the kind of people with whom I think he'll click, and there are some that I know inherently will not be a good match. He's fine with that, because I'm up-front about it.

    Lately he has started to have some of his own friends because of changing jobs (kind of a first) and it took a little getting used to on my part, but I have to recall the tremendous freedom he has given me all this time. We do have friends that we share, and naturally these are getting more of my time than the people from my single days who I don't see meshing with him so much.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Oct 09, 2015 5:27 PM GMT
    Sounds like you're being a bit needy and clingy. Just as RR said, he has long-time good friends. That speaks well of him. I don't see the dick comment as anything other than a slightly bad joke. You need to develop some interests of your own. One thing you did say that gives me pause is that he spends more time with them than you. Is that because of schedules or is that his choosing? Does he schedule to be with them and not invite you? If he chooses to be with them and NOT you, then he isn't ready for a relationship. You're 21. Is he the same age? Few guys want to lock down at 21 and separate from long-time friends. Develop your life. Both parties to a relationship must bring something to the table. I will say, though, I've known many couples that one is quiet and the other gregarious. It seems an imbalance but if you watch them over time, usually the quieter one is the rock that holds everything together. And the gregarious one knows and appreciates the safe harbor. Remember, you're not competing.
  • FitBlackCuddl...

    Posts: 802

    Oct 09, 2015 5:56 PM GMT
    UndercoverMan saidActions speak louder than words except for that little gem where he tells his friend: "because I put my dick in him." [cue the sound of screeching brakes] This is what he thinks of you?! A cum dump? To reduce your relationship to a sex act?! That was beyond the pale. He could have just as easily said that seating was limited and of course he would invite the person he loves so much to attend with him. No, he freely chose to present you as a fuck buddy.

    Take off the rose colored glasses. This guy ain't the Prince Charming you're pretending he is.


    What you just shared seems to be the generally ACCEPTED template for "gay" male relationships.

    Is ALL about the looks, body, sex act harmony, and social trappings. No time spent getting to know each other as people and developing a mutual emotional base.

    Am wondering if the one posting followed this pattern with his partner.
  • highforthis

    Posts: 681

    Oct 09, 2015 6:34 PM GMT
    UndercoverMan saidActions speak louder than words except for that little gem where he tells his friend: "because I put my dick in him." [cue the sound of screeching brakes] This is what he thinks of you?! A cum dump? To reduce your relationship to a sex act?! That was beyond the pale. He could have just as easily said that seating was limited and of course he would invite the person he loves so much to attend with him. No, he freely chose to present you as a fuck buddy.

    Take off the rose colored glasses. This guy ain't the Prince Charming you're pretending he is.


    I agree. Your BF sounds like a great guy, and not worth giving up on over the friend issue, but then there's that.
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    Oct 09, 2015 6:59 PM GMT
    Been there. Done that. Move on.
  • FRE0

    Posts: 4865

    Oct 09, 2015 7:00 PM GMT
    VanillaIce saidIf you aren't shy or introverted, you should try to socialize with his buddies like he does. I'm sure he's going to appreciate it a lot!


    ^^^ This ^^^

    Also, understand that most of his friends will eventually become married. In our American culture, married couples are inclined to socialize mostly with other married couples and gradually see less and less of their unmarried friends. So, if you stay with the guy long enough, probably he will eventually begin to see all those friends less often.

    Also, if you shared his friends, you would be less bothered by his spending so much time with them. It's not as though you own him. So, if you shared his friends with him and / or developed other interests or hobbies, you would be less distressed.
  • FRE0

    Posts: 4865

    Oct 09, 2015 7:06 PM GMT
    UndercoverMan saidActions speak louder than words except for that little gem where he tells his friend: "because I put my dick in him." [cue the sound of screeching brakes] This is what he thinks of you?! A cum dump? To reduce your relationship to a sex act?! That was beyond the pale. He could have just as easily said that seating was limited and of course he would invite the person he loves so much to attend with him. No, he freely chose to present you as a fuck buddy.

    Take off the rose colored glasses. This guy ain't the Prince Charming you're pretending he is.


    Why would you take what he said so seriously? Often when we need to answer something quickly our responses are less than ideal. Sometimes we say things we don't mean. It would be unfortunate to be unduly influenced by one careless remark.
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    Oct 09, 2015 8:28 PM GMT
    You sound cloying to me.

    A testament to any man is his family, friends and his loved ones. If you can't be a part of that it's not his undoing. It's your insecurity.

    He's faithful and says he loves you. He loves his old friends and they love him. If he abandoned his old friends what kind of person would that make him?

    When I've seen control issues like this, it is a sign that can lead to abuse. One of the first things is to cut off communication from family/friends. Then the jealousy. Then the accusations. Then the confrontations.....it's a nasty spiral.

    He sounds like he has a sense of social etiquette with cell phones. The only reason he texts while around you is that YOU do it, and is acceptable.

    You need to step it up! I'm sure you could have a report with some of the girls if you tried. You need to be a part of it. Befriend one, kill her with kindness. You'll end up liking her too.

    I don't see any reason why they SHOULD like you!

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    Oct 09, 2015 9:00 PM GMT
    tomderon94 said...

    4. He see’s them more than he sees me in a week RED FLAG

    5. When I went on holidays with him overseas for 5 weeks, I would read his texts saying that he wants to come home and he missed them too much. Yeah, it killed me. RED FLAG - He's with the boyfriend he says he's 101% invested in but he'd rather be with is friends?! He's lying. You're just a convenient hole to unload into.

    6. He's a completely different person around them. He is a lot more confident, happy and buzzing. He won't stop laughing and pulling jokes, something I see less of when its just me and him alone. RED FLAG I was a completely different person around my ex. It was because I was miserable.

    I have discussed this issue with him an uncountable amount of times. He always says that “he needs to get his priorities straight” and that he prefers my company to theirs. Which I know for a fact is not true, unless he’s horny of course. RED FLAG - You know you're a cum dump. He won't get his "priorities straight" because they are straight in his eyes. He's just feeding you a line of bull because he doesn't want to lose a good cum dump. He'll string you along for as long as he can and then will dump you saying you're the one who is too clingy.

    He always apologises about it and promises me it wont happen again. Nothing has changed since we started dating in regards to this issue, no matter how many times I’ve told him. RED FLAG - He has no intention of changing. He's got a good thing going. What reason does he have to change?

    Yeah, I’m jealous. But I am so sick of feeling like this. No matter who he’s with, I get jealous. Am I being irrational and oversensitive, or would you be bothered by this to? From what you've described I'd say you are not being unreasonable.

    ...

    I am spending a full day with him and his friends tomorrow for his birthday, and I am so stressed about it. I've been dreading the day for months now, because I know i'm going to leave it feeling like shit. I'm going to be in the background again, the odd one out, while he has the time of his life with his friends. If it's that stressful for you just bow out tell him you're not feeling well. Use the day to write a Dear John letter.


    I reread your post and saw a few more RED FLAGS you should consider.
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    Oct 09, 2015 9:07 PM GMT
    UndercoverMan said
    tomderon94 said...

    4. He see’s them more than he sees me in a week RED FLAG

    5. When I went on holidays with him overseas for 5 weeks, I would read his texts saying that he wants to come home and he missed them too much. Yeah, it killed me. RED FLAG - He's with the boyfriend he says he's 101% invested in but he'd rather be with is friends?! He's lying. You're just a convenient hole to unload into.

    6. He's a completely different person around them. He is a lot more confident, happy and buzzing. He won't stop laughing and pulling jokes, something I see less of when its just me and him alone. RED FLAG I was a completely different person around my ex. It was because I was miserable.

    I have discussed this issue with him an uncountable amount of times. He always says that “he needs to get his priorities straight” and that he prefers my company to theirs. Which I know for a fact is not true, unless he’s horny of course. RED FLAG - You know you're a cum dump. He won't get his "priorities straight" because they are straight in his eyes. He's just feeding you a line of bull because he doesn't want to lose a good cum dump. He'll string you along for as long as he can and then will dump you saying you're the one who is too clingy.

    He always apologises about it and promises me it wont happen again. Nothing has changed since we started dating in regards to this issue, no matter how many times I’ve told him. RED FLAG - He has no intention of changing. He's got a good thing going. What reason does he have to change?

    Yeah, I’m jealous. But I am so sick of feeling like this. No matter who he’s with, I get jealous. Am I being irrational and oversensitive, or would you be bothered by this to? From what you've described I'd say you are not being unreasonable.

    ...

    I am spending a full day with him and his friends tomorrow for his birthday, and I am so stressed about it. I've been dreading the day for months now, because I know i'm going to leave it feeling like shit. I'm going to be in the background again, the odd one out, while he has the time of his life with his friends. If it's that stressful for you just bow out tell him you're not feeling well. Use the day to write a Dear John letter.


    I reread your post and saw a few more RED FLAGS you should consider.


    Funny I see the red flags as coming from the OP!