Breaking the sex with love tendencies

  • Aznraven84

    Posts: 21

    Oct 14, 2015 12:32 AM GMT
    This maybe a stupid topic but would like some advice that isn't bias from friends.

    I can't get myself to have casual sex with random people. Typically the one thing I could think of is a type of emotional connection that attracts me to having sex which is love or a journey to it.

    Im curious of how random hook ups are, but I can't somehow seperate the pleasure of sex without the emotional connection. Forward comments of hooking up has turned me off in the past... every time...

    How do I get over it, or seperate sex from emotion? Also, if I never do, what am I missing out on?

    Thanks...
  • tj85016

    Posts: 4123

    Oct 14, 2015 12:36 AM GMT
    geez, some people piss away thousands of dollars on shrinks to try to avoid sex with random people

    think about it
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    Oct 14, 2015 2:09 AM GMT
    Lots of thoughts on this one.

    First of all, there is nothing wrong with needing to have an emotional connection to have sex with someone and you're not missing out on anything by not having casual sex.

    Of course, now I'm going to explain why that is not so, duh icon_wink.gif
    What is "SEX" for you? Full on intercourse only or do blowjobs, handjobs or even making out already qualify? Have you ever looked at a guy and just wanted to have sweaty, passionate sex with him?

    What is "Emotional Connection" to you? Real love? Crush? Friendship? Liking someone? Texting?

    There are lots of possibilities between sex with your boyfriend and hooking up on either end (and I'm not even mentioning going to bathhouses, sexparties, gloryholes etc.).

    Of course there is also the possibility that you're still hooked to the 'sex is only for married people for procreation' line of thinking and the emotion-necessary-for-sex-argument is only the socially accepted cover. Only you know what is true.

    So, lots of possibilities, many can happen, nothing must.
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    Oct 14, 2015 2:32 AM GMT
    I for sure know where you are coming from. As I see sex more on an intimate level, and it's a special thing to offer yourself to someone else who actually has some sort of emotional connection with.

    With that being said if you truly in your heart feel that you can't do it. Don't do it. Because if you feel that something is not right, chances are it isn't. It amazes me that we as humans, as smart as we are we are, are the only species that ever goes agents our instincts. Don't feel pressured to do it because everyone around you is doing it. And I say those words as if I were telling that to myself when I first entered the gay scene.

    There is going to be a lot of peer pressure when it comes to the gay world. Drugs, sex, even throwing away your integrity so you can just fit in. I've seen so many of my friends lose their way, lost what was truly important to them- family, friends, an education.

    Personally I did experiment with the idea of random hookups, and from personal experience it can be pleasant or it can be hell. There are guys out there that are quite nice to talk to after you've had sex with them, and even sometimes something special might work out, but then there are guys that are very selfish. I'm going to shamelessly say that I'm damaged goods due to certain hook ups. That afterwards I've never felt so disgusted with myself, that I broke every moral fiber in me just for one hookup wasn't even worth it. I cried about it, in his bathroom after he told me he had a boyfriend, but I never knew. I knew on that day what it felt like to be the "other guy" which I vowed I would never be. But I learned on that day, that true pain isn't something that runs through our bodies. It's a lot deeper then that.

    If you're anywhere like me. Our greatest gift is our ability to love unconditionally, even to a fault. And in this day and age I feel that this gift that we have is obsolete. My only advice for you is to take some time to get to know the one you decide to sleep with, and save the tears for when you meet the one.

    Good luck.

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    Oct 14, 2015 3:38 AM GMT
    There are numerous studies that suggest that when straight men have sex, they form a bond with their female mate. The assumption is that this is an evolutionary response, to protect their future offspring, that are the result of this sexual act. Which of course would benefit the overall survival of the human species.

    Gay men may have no interest in females sexually, nor produce any offspring with fellow males, but other residuals of male evolutionary behavior may linger in our genes and be present. So that when 2 men have sex, this same romantic bonding reflex can occur.

    This is just speculation, but I offer it for consideration.

    Which would mean: your dick may try to direct you, but your unemotional common sense must have the final say.
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    Oct 14, 2015 3:44 AM GMT
    Why change? I really don't like hookups either. I can have sex with a hot guy and not know much about him, but it's so much better when a connection is there. And a connection takes time. I don't have to know his life story but even just having drinks and talking for a while really makes all the difference. I would suggest you appreciate yourself the way you are. So many gay men are absolute sex addicts and cannot form a bond if their life depended on it, so why would you want to mimic this sick behavior?
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    Oct 14, 2015 5:41 AM GMT
    Embrace who you are. Don't fight it. There are myriad ways to be. If you're not hurting anyone or yourself and true to yourself, you're just fine doing what's right for you.

    Don't compare yourself to others.
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    Oct 14, 2015 2:14 PM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle said
    Radd saidSo many gay men are absolute sex addicts and cannot form a bond if their life depended on it, so why would you want to mimic this sick behavior?


    So many gay men are sex addicts? What does that mean? That gay men are more inclined to be sex addicts compared to their straight brethren? I would like some documentation provided to support your claim. Otherwise, I'm inclined to believe it's just another self-loathing comment that I've personally observed all too frequently in other gay men.

    Okay, I'll save you the time. There's no evidence from valid sources to support the claim that more gay men are sex addicts than straight men.

    http://www.promises.com/articles/sex-addiction/sexual-addiction-gay-men/

    http://www.forwardtherapy.com/2011/07/gay-men-and-sex-addiction/

    Also, in a prior thread:

    Radd also said (in another thread)
    Maybe you missed the point of it being "casual" sex. This means, there are no dates.....no second and third times.....and most likely, not even an exchange of names.


    Therapists are doing away with the sex addict label. It appears that hyper-sexual disorder is becoming the proper term. But what stands out is that you appear almost eager to label gay men with an illness for sexual behavior yet you admit to having sex without even knowing a man's first name.

    I can only imagine the type of environment you're frequenting to enable the act(s) of having sex with others without even so much as an exchange of names. But to many, anonymous sex would be considered "sick behavior".



    You truly are dense. You took a comment I made in a thread about open relationships and quoted me out of context here. Allow me to educate you about something: A person can have anonymous sex without being a sex addict and many sex addicts never have anonymous sex.

    You would think a retired prostitute would not need to be educated about sex. icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Oct 14, 2015 3:20 PM GMT
    Radd said
    MuchMoreThanMuscle said
    Radd saidSo many gay men are absolute sex addicts and cannot form a bond if their life depended on it, so why would you want to mimic this sick behavior?


    So many gay men are sex addicts? What does that mean? That gay men are more inclined to be sex addicts compared to their straight brethren? I would like some documentation provided to support your claim. Otherwise, I'm inclined to believe it's just another self-loathing comment that I've personally observed all too frequently in other gay men.

    Okay, I'll save you the time. There's no evidence from valid sources to support the claim that more gay men are sex addicts than straight men.

    http://www.promises.com/articles/sex-addiction/sexual-addiction-gay-men/

    http://www.forwardtherapy.com/2011/07/gay-men-and-sex-addiction/

    Also, in a prior thread:

    Radd also said (in another thread)
    Maybe you missed the point of it being "casual" sex. This means, there are no dates.....no second and third times.....and most likely, not even an exchange of names.


    Therapists are doing away with the sex addict label. It appears that hyper-sexual disorder is becoming the proper term. But what stands out is that you appear almost eager to label gay men with an illness for sexual behavior yet you admit to having sex without even knowing a man's first name.

    I can only imagine the type of environment you're frequenting to enable the act(s) of having sex with others without even so much as an exchange of names. But to many, anonymous sex would be considered "sick behavior".



    You truly are dense. You took a comment I made in a thread about open relationships and quoted me out of context here. I said they "cannot form a bond if their life depended on it, so why would you want to mimic this sick behavior?" My comment was directed at men who cannot bond to another person, and yes many times these same men are sex addicts. And allow me to educate you about something: A person can have anonymous sex without being a sex addict and many sex addicts never have anonymous sex.

    You would think a retired prostitute would not need to be educated about sex. icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Oct 14, 2015 8:41 PM GMT
    It's good that you realized that casual sex isn't for you.
    It took me a while to realize also. Casual sex isn't that much of a fun, for guys like you and I, as it might be for other guys. You don't need to change yourself. I have done casual sex, and most of the time I didn't really get the kind of satisfaction I was looking for. It wasn't that the sex wasn't good, but if there isn't any connection, you will feel that something is lacking. Especially, after you are done with everything, you wouldn't feel good about yourself. These are my experiences. Over the time, I came to these realizations, and I don't hook up anymore.
  • transient

    Posts: 211

    Oct 15, 2015 3:25 PM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle said
    Radd said

    You would think a retired prostitute would not need to be educated about sex. icon_rolleyes.gif


    Well, at least I knew their names and either had their phone number and/or their email address. icon_lol.gif

    And I didn't quote you out of context. The topic here was casual sex with random people. You claim, here in this thread, that you "don't like hookups either". But you must like them enough to the point of not even requiring a first name from the person. That must mean you've engaged in either bathhouse sex, public sex or hooked up from online anonymously. In those types of environments, you must somehow shine like a beacon of light to differentiate yourself from all the prostitutes and sick sex addicts who are there, right along your side, enjoying anonymous sex with strangers as well.


    I have to ask you.....why do you do this horrible character assasination on people?

  • transient

    Posts: 211

    Oct 15, 2015 3:31 PM GMT
    OP..... be tollerant, be patient, be all you can be.

    Have integrity and follow your heart.

    Do what makes you happy&dont be pressurised into casual sex......unless thats your hearts desire.
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    Oct 15, 2015 3:57 PM GMT
    I can't do random hookups either. I also would like some kind of connection with a person before I do anything physically intimate with them. Maybe it's because I'm insecure, maybe not, I've always been like this, though. I'd rather date someone for a short duration, have all the sex, and then move on to the next person if/when things don't work out. But as for meeting someone just for the purpose of getting off, then parting ways, I cannot do it.

    I don't think you're missing out on anything.
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    Oct 15, 2015 6:22 PM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle said
    Radd said

    You would think a retired prostitute would not need to be educated about sex. icon_rolleyes.gif


    Well, at least I knew their names and either had their phone number and/or their email address. icon_lol.gif

    And I didn't quote you out of context. The topic here was casual sex with random people. You claim, here in this thread, that you "don't like hookups either". But you must like them enough to the point of not even requiring a first name from the person. That must mean you've engaged in either bathhouse sex, public sex or hooked up from online anonymously. In those types of environments, you must somehow shine like a beacon of light to differentiate yourself from all the prostitutes and sick sex addicts who are there, right along your side, enjoying anonymous sex with strangers as well.



    You're either really stupid or just so mean spirited that you think you can alter a person's words to fit your agenda. I have tried repeatedly to bury the hatchet with you, but you always come back again and again trying to start shit with me again. You're one of those stereotypical bitter fags that just has to lash out unprovoked. You really can't stand to get along with people. You're only comfortable with conflict and spewing hatred. I have not posted anything derogatory towards you for a long time, then out of the blue you attacked me and called me a hypocrite. Then I owned your ass and linked your little victim "shaming" thread to your thread where you shamed someone for being overweight. Your tutu has been ruffled ever since and now you are back to attacking me again. And everyone here see it.
  • whytehot

    Posts: 1167

    Oct 15, 2015 11:55 PM GMT
    Why can't you two stop fighting and just bond over your shared hatred of black people? icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 16, 2015 12:15 AM GMT
    Eh just be who you are. I think casual sex has it's place and can be very fun in the moment.

    I learned over time that it wasn't all it was cracked up to be. Read profile/stats,gauge the guys horny level, confirm desired position, arrange rendezvous, sex, get out of dodge.

    I realized that I just wanted get my rocks off and the other guy was a tool for that purpose. They may or may not have felt the same

    Truth be told, a good imagination and some masturbation was all I needed to get my rocks off and my desires to hookup have diminished since(during my single days of course)

    So trust me, you aren't missing out on anything. Someone said it before that the grass is always greener until you get a little closer and see the poo-poo lmfao