He is not the one... Or does it matter?

  • KevinT

    Posts: 6

    Oct 14, 2015 6:08 AM GMT
    Coming here looking for any comment and guidance. =)

    I am in a very happy 1+ year relationship with my current boyfriend. We are a pretty awesome match in every way: We both do equally well financially, we both want similar things in life and share similar philosophies (on morality, love, family, work, etc), we have similar ways of thinking and doing things so we never almost never fight. He certainly cherishes and respects me a lot and I deeply care not to hurt him.

    That's why I have been having so much pain that I do have the realization that he is not *the* one but I also have doubts on whether chasing for *the* one and throwing away such a great thing would be a stupid mistake.

    I have two stupid reasons on why he is not the one... 1) I don't think he is 100% my type. It's really stupid and it's purely physical. I keep seeing guys on street and have fantasy of how great it would be if my bf can look like that. Note that I am not dreaming my bf to look like Brad Pitt, it's just really a different type thing. 2) There are certain qualities that I find shining & attractive in a person that he doesn't have, e.g. love of literature and philosophical thinking, for example. He is really a pragmatic guy. He is not the type of guy with whom I can just talk and talk for hours.

    We are at a stage of life where we should move towards marriage... but if you ask me the question, my answer is still a "wait and see". I really think some times I should just call it off so I don't waste his time. But I don't want to hurt him...

    So what shall I do? Maybe my concerns above are not serious and I shall just ignore my libido idiosyncrasy, and accept the luck of finding such a great guy? Damn life is hard...

    Kev
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 14, 2015 8:31 AM GMT
    If after a year of dating you don't see a future together, it's far kinder to end things now and find someone that you can, and also allow him to find someone who he has a future with.

    Remember - there's no such thing as someone who is perfect, but you do need to find someone who is perfect for you.
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    Oct 14, 2015 12:06 PM GMT
    Before you dump this guy you might want to do a quick review of some of the myriad threads on here whining "why can't I ever find a boyfriend?"

    It sounds like you have a good thing going. Why throw it away for some hypothetical Mr. Ideal that you may never find?
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    Oct 14, 2015 1:39 PM GMT
    If you're main reasoning is the fact that you don't find him physically appealing, or the fact that he lacks "refined" qualities because come on really? literature and philosophy? most gay men list of completed books are Dr. Seuss or anything in that genre. compared to other guys I honestly don't think you are marriage material anyways and I think you need to learn how to be a bit more pragmatic yourself. And I think you are doing a disservice to your boyfriend by stringing him along.

    My advice is set the man free while there is still some decency left in you, because the way I see it is you're going to leave him after you find someone more physically attractive, but not necessarily any better.
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    Oct 14, 2015 2:16 PM GMT
    Your 1st post here is so dramatical, good for you. Your profile has no city, no photo so I am thinking no big issue here, just another sock account. Making me think how this dosnt matter.

    KevinT said...I don't think he is 100% my type. It's really stupid and it's purely physical. I keep seeing guys on street and have fantasy of how great it would be if my bf can look like that...
    eeew; makes me wonder if this is a real post, i bet there is not a real boy friend here and the member is 15 years old.

    KevinT said...
    We are at a stage of life where we should move towards marriage...
    couples that have dating for 3years or so have marriages that last longer. What college have you graduated from and or have you ever hung in and consistently done any one thing in your life for 3 years.







  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 14, 2015 3:47 PM GMT
    The grass often looks greener on the other side, until we get closer to it and we realize that it's really a shithole of stinky green doodoo. I like my partner imperfect--it's his imperfection that makes him unique and human.
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    Oct 14, 2015 4:46 PM GMT
    that man i hold hostage in my bed every night with kisses, hugs, am i really someone he can live with? you know the song if i smell bad will he still be there? how does he feel inside.

    its a 2 way street.
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    Oct 14, 2015 6:35 PM GMT
    Does it matter...airing your dirty laundry? Maybe we should change the name of this Site to, 'JerrySpringer'sRealJock.com'
  • bro4bro

    Posts: 1034

    Oct 14, 2015 7:15 PM GMT
    Searching for The One is often just another excuse for playing around with The Many, along the way to settling for The None.
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    Oct 14, 2015 7:45 PM GMT
    bro4bro saidSearching for The One is often just another excuse for playing around with The Many, along the way to settling for The None.

    Cynics always get the sad, pathetic and lonely life they create.
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    Oct 14, 2015 8:17 PM GMT
    Don't write him off completely. Tell him you think you two have rushed into an exclusive relationship and you'd like back off and for you two to date others. This way you leave the door open for the relationship to either deepen or just whither on the vine without hurting anyone. He maybe feeling the same way.
  • FitBlackCuddl...

    Posts: 802

    Oct 14, 2015 8:21 PM GMT
    KevinT saidComing here looking for any comment and guidance. =)Kev


    An action that is VERY likely a MISTAKE.
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    Oct 14, 2015 8:21 PM GMT
    bro4bro saidSearching for The One is often just another excuse for playing around with The Many, along the way to settling for The None.


    And the alternative is to settle for a good man who doesn't feed your soul and you just either break his heart down the road or your soul dies a slow death. A life with someone who doesn't feed your soul is just as lonely as being alone, if not lonelier.
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    Oct 14, 2015 8:25 PM GMT
    You say he cherishes and respects you a lot yet you don't say the same about him. You don't even use the word LOVE.

    Very telling.
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    Oct 14, 2015 9:50 PM GMT
    TexDef07 saidBefore you dump this guy you might want to do a quick review of some of the myriad threads on here whining "why can't I ever find a boyfriend?"

    It sounds like you have a good thing going. Why throw it away for some hypothetical Mr. Ideal that you may never find?
    icon_lol.gif
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    Oct 14, 2015 10:09 PM GMT
    dear kevin.....

    a bird in your hand is better than 2 in the bushes!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 15, 2015 12:51 AM GMT
    Keep him. Trust me.
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    Oct 15, 2015 1:02 AM GMT
    UndercoverMan saidDon't write him off completely. Tell him you think you two have rushed into an exclusive relationship and you'd like back off and for you two to date others. This way you leave the door open for the relationship to either deepen or just whither on the vine without hurting anyone. He maybe feeling the same way.


    I agree, if he's valuable as a friend, keep him as such. Just cross your fingers he thinks the same.
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    Oct 15, 2015 3:40 AM GMT
    sudeep saiddear kevin.....

    a bird in your hand is better than 2 in the bushes!


    A bird in your hand will only shit on you.
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    Oct 15, 2015 4:05 AM GMT
    If he thinks you are in love with him and you are not then you should break it off.That is really the main point.
  • KevinT

    Posts: 6

    Oct 15, 2015 7:46 AM GMT
    Mesmer said

    My advice is set the man free while there is still some decency left in you, because the way I see it is you're going to leave him after you find someone more physically attractive, but not necessarily any better.


    That's what I am afraid of... might not be someone more physically attractive but someone, due to my own stupidity, more feels like a "soul mate".

    The last thing I want to do it to hurt him.
  • KevinT

    Posts: 6

    Oct 15, 2015 7:49 AM GMT
    bro4bro saidSearching for The One is often just another excuse for playing around with The Many, along the way to settling for The None.


    Not in my case honestly... he is my only boyfriend ever and the only guy I have ever have physical relationship with lol. I certainly don't plan on going wild on Grindr just yet.
  • KevinT

    Posts: 6

    Oct 15, 2015 7:58 AM GMT
    UndercoverMan said
    bro4bro saidSearching for The One is often just another excuse for playing around with The Many, along the way to settling for The None.


    And the alternative is to settle for a good man who doesn't feed your soul and you just either break his heart down the road or your soul dies a slow death. A life with someone who doesn't feed your soul is just as lonely as being alone, if not lonelier.


    Exactly my feeling, thank you Sir.

    For example my bf would never be able to say something like you just did, something that resonates with me. We talk more on the level of "we just cooked a great meal together", "we just had a great road trip in Europe without fighting at all" (which is not that easy lol).

    The fundamental struggle I am having is my doubt over whether your statement above is true for everyone.

    Does it matter if you are in a marriage with someone who is not your soul mate, but a great life partner? Does love establish on emotional resonance, or on the fact that you still don't want to kill each other after 30 years? =)

    I know love comes in different ways for different people, so only myself can answer that. I guess I am looking for someone telling me that "it's Ok" so I will have to courage to go on in this relationship.

  • KevinT

    Posts: 6

    Oct 15, 2015 8:04 AM GMT
    WickedRyan saidIf he thinks you are in love with him and you are not then you should break it off.That is really the main point.


    He has gingerly said he loves me but I didn't have a response for him. So we likely both know we (at least me) are not there yet.

    I guess the wise thing would be to give it some more time, and break it off if I am still not sure.

    And some friends here above recommends we staying as friends, that's for sure. We are not drama queens and we deeply respect each other, so no problem with friendship regardless what will happen.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 15, 2015 1:28 PM GMT
    Why leaving him if you love him.
    It's just a matter of physical attraction, tell him how you like bodies to be and he could change that.
    Pretty easy to change body size rather than mentality