Friend is tempted to cheat on his bf

  • Leftswiper

    Posts: 90

    Oct 15, 2015 4:02 AM GMT
    So one of my closest gay friends, whom I've always respected being completely uncompromising in his morals... has confided in me that he's tempted to cheat on his bf.

    For some reason he tells me every dark thought he has, but I can't help but admire him for his honesty and self-awareness. Moreover, he never rationalizes his misdeeds or tries to justifies himself, but quite readily admits to being weak and falling short of his ideals.

    Anyway, the bf is a wonderful guy from my interactions with him, but apparently my friend doesn't like his body nearly as much as his face. The last time they had sex, he couldn't keep it up unless he was imagining a much hotter guy. He wouldn't break up because emotionally this is the best connection he has so far, but he said his eyes are "wandering a lot".

    What can I say to him? This was kind of demoralizing for me, because this friend was my role model who was bent on monogamy from day 1, and to see him think these things makes me worried... is this what it means to be gay? Why is faithfulness such a hard fight?
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    Oct 15, 2015 6:24 AM GMT
    Tell him to break up with the b/f or communicate the problems to him, of course. He's clearly not The One.
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    Oct 15, 2015 7:29 AM GMT
    JackBoneTX saidTell him to break up with the b/f or communicate the problems to him, of course. He's clearly not The One.


    Spot on.
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    Oct 15, 2015 7:30 AM GMT
    Leftswiper saidSo one of my closest gay friends, whom I've always respected being completely uncompromising in his morals... has confided in me that he's tempted to cheat on his bf.

    For some reason he tells me every dark thought he has, but I can't help but admire him for his honesty and self-awareness. Moreover, he never rationalizes his misdeeds or tries to justifies himself, but quite readily admits to being weak and falling short of his ideals.

    Anyway, the bf is a wonderful guy from my interactions with him, but apparently my friend doesn't like his body nearly as much as his face. The last time they had sex, he couldn't keep it up unless he was imagining a much hotter guy. He wouldn't break up because emotionally this is the best connection he has so far, but he said his eyes are "wandering a lot".

    What can I say to him? This was kind of demoralizing for me, because this friend was my role model who was bent on monogamy from day 1, and to see him think these things makes me worried... is this what it means to be gay? Why is faithfulness such a hard fight?


    Everyone has their own definitions. Just because the crowd goes that way, doesn't mean you should follow. icon_cool.gif Stay true to your own thoughts and live happy! Cheers!
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Oct 15, 2015 9:45 AM GMT
    I have to agree. Tell him he needs to break up and try to find a guy he connects on both levels with. The boyfriend doesn't deserve that kind of pain.
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    Oct 15, 2015 1:03 PM GMT
    It sounds like he really confides in you, so I think I would do the same, and say something along the lines of "You should know that I really look up to you, for your honesty among other things. If this is really how you feel, you probably owe it to your guy to let him know, but before you do that, maybe ask yourself whether his good qualities might be worth more. Everybody has fantasies about getting with a hot guy, but at what point are you going to be satisfied? Is that hot guy going to treat you the way this one does, or is he going to have one eye over your shoulder looking for someone hotter than you?"

    You would appear to be pretty young and I assume your friend is also, so maybe it's too soon to be that serious anyway, but I definitely think you should be honest with what you told us about your friendship, and encourage him to be up-front regardless of what he decides.
  • Buddha

    Posts: 1767

    Oct 15, 2015 1:09 PM GMT
    I'd normally recommend an attempt at an open relationship but if you have to imagine someone else when you have sex with your bf, it's a bit messed up.
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    Oct 15, 2015 1:20 PM GMT
    Well if the relationship is worth salvaging for other reasons maybe they should be working out together.
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    Oct 15, 2015 1:34 PM GMT
    Cheating = No
    Imagining = Yes
    Wishing your partner were someone else = Disrespectful
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    Oct 15, 2015 1:36 PM GMT
    Leftswiper saidis this what it means to be gay? Why is faithfulness such a hard fight?

    No, it's what it means to be a MAN. Gay or straight, if your friend is a similar age to you, mid-twenties or something, he's still dealing with raging male hormones.

    That doesn't excuse questionable behavior, but it helps to explain it. If this guy were straight he'd probably be considering cheating on his GF or wife.

    So don't ascribe it to being gay, but rather to being a young, over-sexed male. It just happens that the person he may want to cheat on is a man, rather than a woman.
  • transient

    Posts: 211

    Oct 15, 2015 2:56 PM GMT
    Missleading someone then cheating on them is pretty low.

    If you respect your friends BF as you say, and his morality, you should help your friend get out of the relationship........otherwise you, your friend and his BF are all compromising your integrity.

    It would be diffrent if they were in open relationship.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Oct 15, 2015 3:36 PM GMT
    I completely disagree with most responses here. Your job is to be his friend. If you read these forums regularly, you'll know that any time someone has hit a rough spot in a relationship, pretty much everyone on RJ advises a breakup. It is no wonder that few here have relationships. I'd advise you stay out of his business. If you want to advise him on clothing or sports or politics, fine. But his most intimate relationship? No. I like the gym idea. It is positive on all fronts and doesn't involve you making suggestions about things that you can't ever know the full story. My advice is to never, ever, recommend a couple break up. Let them work on it.

    And as to your "uncompromising morals," I suggest you begin to grow up. That doesn't mean you shouldn't pursue monogamy, it works well for many, and maybe it will for you, but life is tough and no one is perfect and no relationship is perfect all the time. You know the old truism "No one knows what goes on behind closed doors?" Well that means no one but the two people involved can fully know what will make their relationship work and sometimes compromises are in order to preserve the most important thing, the love. And most couples have secrets. Just as most people do. Stay out of it.
  • Antarktis

    Posts: 213

    Oct 15, 2015 4:59 PM GMT
    Telling him his body turns him off is harsh and cruel. He does need to communicate though, just in a more empathetic way. I think anybody in a relationship has thought about wandering.
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    Oct 15, 2015 5:54 PM GMT
    Sounds like a healthy relationship to me.
    Insecure and damaged people stay in unhealthy relationships. The real question is why would you consider such a dramatic mess your close friend? Yikes, talk about big giant enormous red flags.
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    Oct 15, 2015 6:13 PM GMT
    Antarktis saidTelling him his body turns him off is harsh and cruel. He does need to communicate though, just in a more empathetic way. I think anybody in a relationship has thought about wandering.


    I definitely wouldn't say it that way. Trying to encourage him by suggesting they do more physical stuff together is a good suggestion. I guess what I'm missing is, how did he not know what the guy was built like when they met? How long have they been together? Maybe he thought he'd see past it, and is failing. At least the friend is being honest with himself about it, and (I suspect) hoping you'll talk him out of it.
  • FRE0

    Posts: 4865

    Oct 15, 2015 8:45 PM GMT
    Leftswiper saidSo one of my closest gay friends, whom I've always respected being completely uncompromising in his morals... has confided in me that he's tempted to cheat on his bf.

    For some reason he tells me every dark thought he has, but I can't help but admire him for his honesty and self-awareness. Moreover, he never rationalizes his misdeeds or tries to justifies himself, but quite readily admits to being weak and falling short of his ideals.

    Anyway, the bf is a wonderful guy from my interactions with him, but apparently my friend doesn't like his body nearly as much as his face. The last time they had sex, he couldn't keep it up unless he was imagining a much hotter guy. He wouldn't break up because emotionally this is the best connection he has so far, but he said his eyes are "wandering a lot".

    What can I say to him? This was kind of demoralizing for me, because this friend was my role model who was bent on monogamy from day 1, and to see him think these things makes me worried... is this what it means to be gay? Why is faithfulness such a hard fight?


    That can happen to anyone occasionally. Unless it happens repeatedly it is no cause for concern.
  • Joeyphx444

    Posts: 2382

    Oct 15, 2015 9:54 PM GMT
    Leftswiper saidSo one of my closest gay friends, whom I've always respected being completely uncompromising in his morals... has confided in me that he's tempted to cheat on his bf.

    For some reason he tells me every dark thought he has, but I can't help but admire him for his honesty and self-awareness. Moreover, he never rationalizes his misdeeds or tries to justifies himself, but quite readily admits to being weak and falling short of his ideals.

    Anyway, the bf is a wonderful guy from my interactions with him, but apparently my friend doesn't like his body nearly as much as his face. The last time they had sex, he couldn't keep it up unless he was imagining a much hotter guy. He wouldn't break up because emotionally this is the best connection he has so far, but he said his eyes are "wandering a lot".

    What can I say to him? This was kind of demoralizing for me, because this friend was my role model who was bent on monogamy from day 1, and to see him think these things makes me worried... is this what it means to be gay? Why is faithfulness such a hard fight?


    Are these kids? Your age? Older?

    Tell him to get a bf who loves mentally and physically 100%. He was obviously trying to be less shallow but if you can't then you shouldn't be with someone who you are not attracted to. OR if your friend has a nice body and works out why not get his bf to do the same. At least bodies can change. So that takes effort if he wants that
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    Oct 16, 2015 3:52 AM GMT
    Leftswiper saidSo one of my closest gay friends, whom I've always respected being completely uncompromising in his morals... has confided in me that he's tempted to cheat on his bf.

    For some reason he tells me every dark thought he has, but I can't help but admire him for his honesty and self-awareness. Moreover, he never rationalizes his misdeeds or tries to justifies himself, but quite readily admits to being weak and falling short of his ideals.

    Anyway, the bf is a wonderful guy from my interactions with him, but apparently my friend doesn't like his body nearly as much as his face. The last time they had sex, he couldn't keep it up unless he was imagining a much hotter guy. He wouldn't break up because emotionally this is the best connection he has so far, but he said his eyes are "wandering a lot".

    What can I say to him? This was kind of demoralizing for me, because this friend was my role model who was bent on monogamy from day 1, and to see him think these things makes me worried... is this what it means to be gay? Why is faithfulness such a hard fight?


    1. Your friend being human and finding other men aside from his bf sexually attractive doesn't make him any less of a role model, in my opinion. In fact, I'd say it makes him MORE of one, being able to accept human nature and sexuality as what it is.
    2. He has to talk to his bf. It's unfair to both of them to keep going this way. No one should feel guilted into staying in a relationship, and no one should be in one under the false ideal that they're wanted exactly as they are.
    3. The "doesn't like his body as much as his face" part is ambiguous; is it something that can be changed? Smaller love handles? Bigger pecs/arms, etc.? Or a physical attribute he has no control over (penis size, bear build as opposed to a twink, etc.)?
    4.When your friend approaches his bf, it's important that he doesn't attack his bf or make him feel worthless. State it simply as the facts: "I catch myself thinking about men with 20" biceps while we're fooling around". If it's something the bf can't change (or refuses to/doesn't want to put in the effort), then an open relationship may need to be discussed. If that's not desired then they likely need to end the relationship. There is nothing wrong with walking away amicably if it's a simple matter of personal preference.
    5. Being monogamous and being faithful are not one and the same. I know an equal number of both relationship type couples who struggle with being faithful. Open, honest communication and not just HEARING your partner, but LISTENING to them, conscious of their feelings, conveys faithfulness in my mind. No matter what each couple/member of the relationship is doing/saying/feeling.
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Oct 16, 2015 5:51 AM GMT
    jerbear89 said
    Leftswiper saidSo one of my closest gay friends, whom I've always respected being completely uncompromising in his morals... has confided in me that he's tempted to cheat on his bf.

    For some reason he tells me every dark thought he has, but I can't help but admire him for his honesty and self-awareness. Moreover, he never rationalizes his misdeeds or tries to justifies himself, but quite readily admits to being weak and falling short of his ideals.

    Anyway, the bf is a wonderful guy from my interactions with him, but apparently my friend doesn't like his body nearly as much as his face. The last time they had sex, he couldn't keep it up unless he was imagining a much hotter guy. He wouldn't break up because emotionally this is the best connection he has so far, but he said his eyes are "wandering a lot".

    What can I say to him? This was kind of demoralizing for me, because this friend was my role model who was bent on monogamy from day 1, and to see him think these things makes me worried... is this what it means to be gay? Why is faithfulness such a hard fight?


    1. Your friend being human and finding other men aside from his bf sexually attractive doesn't make him any less of a role model, in my opinion. In fact, I'd say it makes him MORE of one, being able to accept human nature and sexuality as what it is.
    2. He has to talk to his bf. It's unfair to both of them to keep going this way. No one should feel guilted into staying in a relationship, and no one should be in one under the false ideal that they're wanted exactly as they are.
    3. The "doesn't like his body as much as his face" part is ambiguous; is it something that can be changed? Smaller love handles? Bigger pecs/arms, etc.? Or a physical attribute he has no control over (penis size, bear build as opposed to a twink, etc.)?
    4.When your friend approaches his bf, it's important that he doesn't attack his bf or make him feel worthless. State it simply as the facts: "I catch myself thinking about men with 20" biceps while we're fooling around". If it's something the bf can't change (or refuses to/doesn't want to put in the effort), then an open relationship may need to be discussed. If that's not desired then they likely need to end the relationship. There is nothing wrong with walking away amicably if it's a simple matter of personal preference.
    5. Being monogamous and being faithful are not one and the same. I know an equal number of both relationship type couples who struggle with being faithful. Open, honest communication and not just HEARING your partner, but LISTENING to them, conscious of their feelings, conveys faithfulness in my mind. No matter what each couple/member of the relationship is doing/saying/feeling.


    Wait, if the relationship is open and both parties agree, what possible problem could they have? I mean, it sounds like that's the perfect relationship for a lot of men.
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    Oct 16, 2015 9:48 AM GMT
    BloodflameWait, if the relationship is open and both parties agree, what possible problem could they have? I mean, it sounds like that's the perfect relationship for a lot of men.


    Bloodflame, I can't tell if you're being sarcastic or not so I'm treating this as a legitimate inquiry.
    Being in an "open" relationship doesn't eliminate all problems associated with a relationship. It just means that both partners are willing to OPENly communicate their desires and act on them when they feel the need to.
    There are still boundaries that need to be established, misinterpretations of situations, jealousy issues (sometimes), etc. that need to be addressed. It doesn't necessarily mean you're given the green light to sleep with whoever, whenever, although for some that's what they want. You're also taking your partner's health into consideration, since he's sleeping with everyone you're sleeping with where STI's etc. are concerned.
    Bottom line with any relationship, open or monogamous, is to be OPEN with what makes you happy. No sense in living a lie to create the traditional relationship society expects of you.
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    Oct 16, 2015 8:45 PM GMT
    ShiftyJK08 saidIt sounds like he really confides in you, so I think I would do the same, and say something along the lines of "You should know that I really look up to you, for your honesty among other things. If this is really how you feel, you probably owe it to your guy to let him know, but before you do that, maybe ask yourself whether his good qualities might be worth more. Everybody has fantasies about getting with a hot guy, but at what point are you going to be satisfied? Is that hot guy going to treat you the way this one does, or is he going to have one eye over your shoulder looking for someone hotter than you?"


    +1
    Your friend sounds very focused on his partner's physical body which I find odd. If I like someone enough to get into a relationship with them, chances are I'm going to be attracted to them. Why suddenly is he not his type? And did he get into this relationships just for the physical aspect?
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    Oct 17, 2015 12:29 AM GMT
    Everybody's eyes "wander," but just because your friend has a wandering eye, it does not follow that he should start jumping over the fence for the greener grass, leaving his BF in the dust. Most of us can really appreciate a gorgeous guy when we see one, without also having an uncontrollable desire to fuck with him.

    I tend to agree with Destinharbor - no one but the two of them knows exactly what goes on between them. You can be a best friend by being a good listener. Rather than suggesting that they separate (which really is not your call to make) you might suggest that your friend see a shrink/therapist/psychologist and talk over his issues - maybe help him find out what he is really feeling.. If they are in a serious relationship, maybe they can even benefit from "couples" counseling. The last thing he should be advised to do is to tell his BF that he no longer finds him attractive - that is, not unless he has already told him he is ending the relationship.

    Who knows, maybe in the end the two of them might
    [this is the point where the moralistic prudes on RJ should stop reading]
    find it useful to keep their sexlife lively, by occasionally sharing sex with someone they both find hot - it happens in some relationships. Or maybe this relationship has come to an end - many do.

    "is this what it means to be gay?" No - this is what it means to be human - and young.
  • Leftswiper

    Posts: 90

    Nov 09, 2015 4:02 AM GMT
    I'm surprised by the number of people advising that they open up the relationship. Am I be a "moralistic prude" for not wanting one? Or for not "compromising"? Anecdotally, many have attested to the main criteria for success of open relationships - that the relationship was open to start with. It can't save failing relationships.


    Radd saidYour friend sounds very focused on his partner's physical body which I find odd. If I like someone enough to get into a relationship with them, chances are I'm going to be attracted to them. Why suddenly is he not his type? And did he get into this relationships just for the physical aspect?


    They didn't meet via grindr or whatever, I believe it was through work or something, so they had more of an emotional connection to start from.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 874

    Nov 09, 2015 4:43 AM GMT
    Destinharbor saidI completely disagree with most responses here. Your job is to be his friend. If you read these forums regularly, you'll know that any time someone has hit a rough spot in a relationship, pretty much everyone on RJ advises a breakup. It is no wonder that few here have relationships. I'd advise you stay out of his business. If you want to advise him on clothing or sports or politics, fine. But his most intimate relationship? No. I like the gym idea. It is positive on all fronts and doesn't involve you making suggestions about things that you can't ever know the full story. My advice is to never, ever, recommend a couple break up. Let them work on it.

    And as to your "uncompromising morals," I suggest you begin to grow up. That doesn't mean you shouldn't pursue monogamy, it works well for many, and maybe it will for you, but life is tough and no one is perfect and no relationship is perfect all the time. You know the old truism "No one knows what goes on behind closed doors?" Well that means no one but the two people involved can fully know what will make their relationship work and sometimes compromises are in order to preserve the most important thing, the love. And most couples have secrets. Just as most people do. Stay out of it.


    Spot on!

    SC
  • LuisG_82

    Posts: 37

    Nov 09, 2015 7:25 AM GMT
    SilverRRCloud said
    Destinharbor saidI completely disagree with most responses here. Your job is to be his friend. If you read these forums regularly, you'll know that any time someone has hit a rough spot in a relationship, pretty much everyone on RJ advises a breakup. It is no wonder that few here have relationships. I'd advise you stay out of his business. If you want to advise him on clothing or sports or politics, fine. But his most intimate relationship? No. I like the gym idea. It is positive on all fronts and doesn't involve you making suggestions about things that you can't ever know the full story. My advice is to never, ever, recommend a couple break up. Let them work on it.

    And as to your "uncompromising morals," I suggest you begin to grow up. That doesn't mean you shouldn't pursue monogamy, it works well for many, and maybe it will for you, but life is tough and no one is perfect and no relationship is perfect all the time. You know the old truism "No one knows what goes on behind closed doors?" Well that means no one but the two people involved can fully know what will make their relationship work and sometimes compromises are in order to preserve the most important thing, the love. And most couples have secrets. Just as most people do. Stay out of it.


    Spot on!

    SC


    A friendship is also a relationship, I think you should tell your friend , is not not what he should do with his boyfriend, but the things you don't like in that friendship.

    Consider which kind of friendship it is, and the best way to open your thoughts about the things you don't like.