Is this a good break-up reason?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 02, 2009 2:35 AM GMT
    'You're not putting an effort into our relationship, I've been feeling this way for about 2 weeks now, I don't think its going to work.' ---this is what I was told. We were together for 3 months.

    MIND YOU::::

    This is the first time I'm hearing about his feelings, the day we broke up.

    Are these grounds for ending a relationship? Should this have been discussed?

    You're thoughts....
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    Feb 02, 2009 2:51 AM GMT
    icon_evil.gif
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    Feb 02, 2009 4:49 PM GMT
    LOL, this is your first time hearing about his feelings....lol, had you forgotten he had them? You speak of feelings like they just surface one day and then have to be delt with, he's had them since birth. I think there's a glitch in your thought process that you would refer to feelings this way, like they are so isolated, but he is odd too.

    No way is two weeks enough time to determine if you should scrap a relationship and if commited, I couldn't imagine myself even considering a break up without discussing it with my partner first, waiting for a change, and then still considering all of my options if that change didn't materialize. I say consider all my options because it really could be me as in something I'm doing or a skewed perception I have of him that is causing our problems really.

    Plainly put, a lot of time and thought should go into ending or not ending a relationship that has found itself on the brink. This guy must not be commited so in this case it is definitely him not you.

    However, the day of a break up is no time to discuss feelings or what led to the splitting right then for the purpose of salvaging the relationahip anyway, maybe just to vent. It's most likely a combination of things that have divided both of the parties to the point that a mild smattering of clear discussion is simply too little too late.

    When it comes to relationships, preventive precautions such as discussing our feelings, being considerate, and being attentive and anticipating our partner's wants and desires are in my opinion, the only ways to prevent a breakup because trying to patch a gaping wound that has festered with a band-aid is synonymous with what people try to do on the day of the breakup and it could never work.

    The best way to deal with a break up is to: vent intitially if you need to and then try to split as amicably with the person as possible




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    Feb 02, 2009 5:00 PM GMT
    Nothing you could have
    said would have changed anything. It appears that he had pretty much made up his mind and he blames you which is a bunch of crap. It takes two people to make a relationship just as it takes two break it up. He felt this way he should have told you. Sounds very passive aggressive to me. Count yourself lucky. You do not want to be in a relationship with anyone who can't or will not communicate to you what it is they need or want from you and then you can make an informed decision if you can deliver on those needs and wants.

    There are times when men want more than we are capable of giving and there is nothing wrong with that. That just means that you are not right for each other.

    Hang in there kiddo! 8-)

    To answer your question it's a lame reason.



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 02, 2009 5:20 PM GMT
    I was recently dumped. Everything perfect til that oen day. I wasn't given a reason sadly, just that it was over.

    I have learned when a relationship suddenly stops there are reasons. One's they don't really want to discusss. Ussually ones that they have created and hidden well from you. Other men, infidelity etc...

    We all have feelings, they don't just happen over night or within a couple hours. No relationship should end as fast as yours or mine but they often due and leave one person looking for answers. You probably will never knwo the true reason why so stop asking. Count yourself lucky and move on.

    Find a man who knows how to commit and share his feelings. Not one who hides them and wants his independence.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Feb 02, 2009 5:22 PM GMT
    Am I the only one who didn't hear what the reason for the break up actually WAS? icon_confused.gif
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    Feb 02, 2009 5:27 PM GMT
    GQ,

    I think the reason was you not putting "enough" into the relationship, no details were given of what "enough" or the lack of there is was given.icon_question.gif?icon_confused.gif

    Sounds like a "Smoke-Screen" given by the break-up'er..
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Feb 02, 2009 5:32 PM GMT
    Sounds like a "Smoke-Screen" given by the break-up'er..

    That's what it sounded like to me too icon_wink.gif
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Feb 02, 2009 5:36 PM GMT
    I agree with what has been said above. Feelings are hard for some men to articulate. I think sometimes the emotional gets lost in the logic and structure of expressing them.... and some guys, regardless of age and experience never seem to be able to talk about them.

    Communication is certainly essential in any relationship. Even with one where such things are discussed, there can be some topics that are "taboo" or "very difficult" to talk about. I would always encourage it.. early on, express the need to communicate about issues. I think early in a relationship you will get the idea whether the guy has that capability (then theres something you need to talk about.....lol).
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    Feb 02, 2009 5:54 PM GMT
    i still maintain that the foundation of ANY relationship is trust- and that from that, the cornerstone of any relationship is communication- open, candid, honest, constant. when communication breaks down, things can't last.

    what this guy should have done was man up and talk about his reservations/concerns with you when they began. if he didn't think you were calling enough, or felt he was low on your daily priority list, and that bothered him... it was both your duty to sense that (maybe you weren't truly paying him enough attention and concern), and HIS to bring it to the table for mature discussion... don't beat yourself up over having it 'spring on you' if he really was just hiding it all that well. learn from this i guess, and in future relationships, stress the importance of open communication in your life from day one.
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    Feb 02, 2009 5:57 PM GMT
    oh but in answer to the main question posed in the title of the forum: no, its not a good reason for a breakup... its a good reason for a serious talk with him to sort things out, empathize with each other, and make some adjustments/compromises. however... all of that can only happen if its really wanted, and it sounds like he just didn't want it. my point being- if he's thought it was worth the effort he'd have made it, but something deeper was bothering him- either he cheated and felt guilty, or he realized he just wasn't that into you and wanted to put the breakup on your shoulders instead of his own... regardless, the 'you haven't been paying attention to me so its over' line was just a facade.
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    Feb 02, 2009 6:23 PM GMT
    No it's not. It's crap, but if he can't talk about important stuff you don't want him, no matter how cute he might be.

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    Feb 02, 2009 6:33 PM GMT
    Unfortunately some guys will settle into a relationship, but still keep a look-out just in case someone better comes along. That's unfortunate given that no person is really "better" than another or worth more; plus, the grass isn't always greener on the other side. It's rare to get it right on the first try and sometimes you have to kiss a few frogs before you find your prince. Just remember that there are some guys who know how and what it means to be in a relationship and there are others who either can't be in a committed relationship or get into one for the wrong reasons. Take what you learned from the situation and walk away with your head held high - find someone who will accept you the way you are and won't make unrealistic demands on you. Everyone has an idea in their mind of what their perfect guy looks like; however, some people don't realize that he doesn't exist. This doesn't mean that you have to settle, but it does mean that you have to be realistic. If your ex can't even properly communicate with you then how could you ever share a long term future together?
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    Feb 02, 2009 10:21 PM GMT
    GuiltyGear saidLOL, this is your first time hearing about his feelings....lol, had you forgotten he had them? You speak of feelings like they just surface one day and then have to be delt with, he's had them since birth. I think there's a glitch in your thought process that you would refer to feelings this way, like they are so isolated, but he is odd too.


    What I meant by saying that this was the first time I was hearing about his feelings was just that.. He never discussed with me what was going through his mind, thus why I was so confused and hence why I'm made this post.

    The day he broke up with me, I head for the FIRST time that he didn't want to be with me anymore and for the reason disclosed, that i wasn't putting an effort into the relationship. I thought everything was GREAT between us, although I did have my doubts.

    'I think there's a glitch in your thought process that you would refer to feelings this way' HUH??
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    Feb 02, 2009 10:25 PM GMT
    Ducky44 saidNothing you could have
    said would have changed anything. It appears that he had pretty much made up his mind and he blames you which is a bunch of crap. It takes two people to make a relationship just as it takes two break it up. He felt this way he should have told you. Sounds very passive aggressive to me. Count yourself lucky. You do not want to be in a relationship with anyone who can't or will not communicate to you what it is they need or want from you and then you can make an informed decision if you can deliver on those needs and wants.

    There are times when men want more than we are capable of giving and there is nothing wrong with that. That just means that you are not right for each other.

    Hang in there kiddo! 8-)

    To answer your question it's a lame reason.


    I keep telling myself 'Nothing you could have said would have changed anything. It appears that he had pretty much made up his mind and he blames you which is a bunch of crap.' because I know it's true. I know that's not a legitimate reason to break up with someone, that's more of an issue and should be discussed with each other to make the relationship stronger and better. I'm pretty sure that there was more to the break-up that i know so far...


    thanks for your thoughts icon_smile.gif
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Feb 02, 2009 10:29 PM GMT
    Two weeks? I'd say yes, if I was in the relationship that I'd talk about these issues first. You could be having an "off" two weeks. Sounds like maybe he was looking for an out and blamed you. You could just as easily blame his lack of communication skills then.

    Sounds like you have little choice but move on. Learn what you can from it.
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    Feb 02, 2009 10:29 PM GMT
    HndsmKansan saidI agree with what has been said above. Feelings are hard for some men to articulate. I think sometimes the emotional gets lost in the logic and structure of expressing them.... and some guys, regardless of age and experience never seem to be able to talk about them.

    Communication is certainly essential in any relationship. Even with one where such things are discussed, there can be some topics that are "taboo" or "very difficult" to talk about. I would always encourage it.. early on, express the need to communicate about issues. I think early in a relationship you will get the idea whether the guy has that capability (then theres something you need to talk about.....lol).


    I don't think he had a problem articulating his feelings at all, except not discussing his break up feelings. He told me things that people tell each other that have been in a relationship for a year + in a three month period that we were going together.

    I strongly believe that there was more behind our break up, i just dont know what it is.......... yet.


    thanks for your thoughts icon_smile.gif
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    Feb 02, 2009 10:29 PM GMT
    HndsmKansan saidI agree with what has been said above. Feelings are hard for some men to articulate. I think sometimes the emotional gets lost in the logic and structure of expressing them.... and some guys, regardless of age and experience never seem to be able to talk about them.

    Communication is certainly essential in any relationship. Even with one where such things are discussed, there can be some topics that are "taboo" or "very difficult" to talk about. I would always encourage it.. early on, express the need to communicate about issues. I think early in a relationship you will get the idea whether the guy has that capability (then theres something you need to talk about.....lol).


    I don't think he had a problem articulating his feelings at all, except not discussing his break up feelings. He told me things that people tell each other that have been in a relationship for a year + in a three month period that we were going together.

    I strongly believe that there was more behind our break up, i just dont know what it is.......... yet.


    thanks for your thoughts icon_smile.gif
  • SeaMichael

    Posts: 138

    Feb 02, 2009 10:31 PM GMT
    Of course it was a good reason. Doesn't mean it's your fault, though. You happen to be the way you are, and he needs something different. Of course, two weeks is nowhere near enough time to figure that out (I mean, if it's a new relationship, then it shouldn't matter enough to make a post about (unless you're a fourteen year old girl), and if it was long term (or gay long term (ie, more than two months)), then I'm sure the issue had been around longer than two weeks, he just didn't really start being bothered, or thought you would change), but that's the way it is.

    Some people are givers in a relationship, others - not so much. And some givers are also takers...and that's just obnoxious...except when it's me. I like stuff. HA!
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    Feb 02, 2009 10:34 PM GMT
    mookie5381 saidOf course it was a good reason. Doesn't mean it's your fault, though. You happen to be the way you are, and he needs something different. Of course, two weeks is nowhere near enough time to figure that out (I mean, if it's a new relationship, then it shouldn't matter enough to make a post about (unless you're a fourteen year old girl), and if it was long term (or gay long term (ie, more than two months)), then I'm sure the issue had been around longer than two weeks, he just didn't really start being bothered, or thought you would change), but that's the way it is.

    Some people are givers in a relationship, others - not so much. And some givers are also takers...and that's just obnoxious...except when it's me. I like stuff. HA!


    we were together for 3 months. don't you think he should have talked to me about it before he broke it off completely. don't you discuss issues with your partner? or do you just let it eat you up and then you break up with him, leaving him clueless?
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    Feb 02, 2009 10:38 PM GMT
    czarodziej saidi still maintain that the foundation of ANY relationship is trust- and that from that, the cornerstone of any relationship is communication- open, candid, honest, constant. when communication breaks down, things can't last.

    what this guy should have done was man up and talk about his reservations/concerns with you when they began. if he didn't think you were calling enough, or felt he was low on your daily priority list, and that bothered him... it was both your duty to sense that (maybe you weren't truly paying him enough attention and concern), and HIS to bring it to the table for mature discussion... don't beat yourself up over having it 'spring on you' if he really was just hiding it all that well. learn from this i guess, and in future relationships, stress the importance of open communication in your life from day one.


    Finally I think you understand where I'm coming from. I did sense something was wrong but I didn't think it was that serious that he had to break up with me. I asked him if everything was ok, and he would tell me yes, everything is fine. Never once did he bring up the issue until the day he broke up with me.

    like i said before, i do think there was more to this.,,

    Thanks for replying icon_smile.gif
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    Feb 02, 2009 10:45 PM GMT
    Not to trivialize your emotions on this matter, but does it really matter what his true reasons for breaking up were? He clearly did not wish to discuss them, and now he is gone. Whatever his reasons for feeling that way were (are), they are a moot point because
    A) the relationship has ended already. Game over.
    B) he is not willing to stay committed long enough to work out the problem(s).

    Emotionally I understand your desire to know WHY, but the more you dwell on it the more likely you will make up reasons to blame yourself. Maybe you are partly to blame, or maybe you two just aren't right for each other.
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    Feb 02, 2009 10:50 PM GMT
    ACowboy saidNot to trivialize your emotions on this matter, but does it really matter what his true reasons for breaking up were? He clearly did not wish to discuss them, and now he is gone. Whatever his reasons for feeling that way were (are), they are a moot point because
    A) the relationship has ended already. Game over.
    B) he is not willing to stay committed long enough to work out the problem(s).

    Emotionally I understand your desire to know WHY, but the more you dwell on it the more likely you will make up reasons to blame yourself. Maybe you are partly to blame, or maybe you two just aren't right for each other.


    Oh i know, the only reason I posted this is because I just wanted to confirm that I wasn't going mad, That it wasn't completely my fault for the break up. I figured that he didn't want to be with me anymore and obviously didn't care enough to work it out that's why he ended it. I was just in SHOCK when it happened, and utterly confused!!

    I'm not going to dwell anymore, I just need to move on icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 02, 2009 10:54 PM GMT
    Sounds to me like a clear case of projection with some sadistic tendencies mixed in there for good measure. I didn't read anywhere in your profile that you are a psychic, though it's obvious he expects you to be.

    He's suffering from some type of borderline personality disorder. Don't fight for his attention because you will only be feeding his ego and validating his actions.

    Next!
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    Feb 02, 2009 11:04 PM GMT
    Tapper saidSounds to me like a clear case of projection with some sadistic tendencies mixed in there for good measure. I didn't read anywhere in your profile that you are a psychic, though it's obvious he expects you to be.

    He's suffering from some type of borderline personality disorder. Don't fight for his attention because you will only be feeding his ego and validating his actions.

    Next!


    HAHAHA you're funny. I did have a dream of him breaking up with me about a week before he actually did. Does that count? lol

    I didn't run after him, and I'm not planning on it. when you're the one breaking up with someone the last thing you want is them pestering you, I know....

    I told him that we shouln't be friends until this is all over... and havent talked to him in over a month..