Sexual Polarity - Do I treat gay guys like women?


  • Oct 19, 2015 6:18 AM GMT
    I've been having some dilemmas in the dating field in regards to how to treat the guys I go one dates with...

    I feel like for any romantic relationship to work, there needs to be some sort of sexual polarity (and i don't mean just in the bedroom).

    For example, I was seeing a guy who is sexually a bottom and i'd say he is more geared towards the feminine side (in terms of how he thinks and what he says, as opposed to his physical traits). Personally I like to take on the more masculine role and i'd ask him out/ open the door for him/ pay for the meal etc. However, sometimes I feel like his masculine side will come out and I don't know how to adjust to this sudden sexual polarity change.

    I was also afraid that i'd come across as rather patronising when I practised chivalry.

    Reading online romantic self-help advice can be confusing because rarely it is targeted towards gay relationships. I usually heed advices that's targeted for straight men, but it hasn't been working well for me...

    It's hard because I struggle to grasp on a good balance for it. I mean, when i see guys that scream MASC or FEM, it gives me a better idea to know how to pursue them (and they'd be quite different too), but when it comes to guys who are much more in the middle, i'd become lost.

    From your experience, do you feel like gay men tend to think more like straight women? Or?

    How would you go about approaching the guy and asking him "how he likes to be treated?" - surely that would come off as rather awkward...

    Any advice? Thanks.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 19, 2015 7:26 AM GMT
    If the guy is effeminate and Queenish and wants to be treated like a lady, well then treat him as such. But ask first to get clarity, don't just assume otherwise you may hurt his feelings.
  • transient

    Posts: 198

    Oct 19, 2015 2:10 PM GMT
    I am a gentleman and always open the doors.

    Just be yourself.
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    Oct 19, 2015 3:09 PM GMT
    Personally, I do not see the need to assign masculine or feminine roles in a relationship. I am a masculine guy who is attracted to other men who align with the same nature. That is not to be confused with the "totally masculine" manifesto many straight men claim to use, you have to let your guard down at some point to be intimate.
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    Oct 19, 2015 3:21 PM GMT
    I've never had this problem. I don't look at other men or myself as being female because.....ummmm.......we're MEN. icon_confused.gif

    I think you're taking too many cues from heterosexuals. Why can't you just be a dude who's with another dude? It's really easy but I think you're making it unnecessarily complicated.
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    Oct 19, 2015 3:47 PM GMT
    We sorta roll with the tide on this one. There are aspects of me that are more "the guy" like I get all the dirty jobs and have to get rid of any spiders that might appear, but emotionally I'm a little more volatile where he's the steady one. When it comes to paying, I pay more of the time because I make more money. Things like holding doors we're not really conscious of.

    I haven't really thought about this in terms of dating because most of the guys I've been with have been pretty middle of the road in terms of their demeanor. If a guy was too extreme one way or the other I don't think we'd last long.
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    Oct 19, 2015 6:47 PM GMT
    initially treat people just a little better than you expect others to treat you. Listen to what he wants and you cant go wrong.
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    Oct 19, 2015 7:19 PM GMT
    Radd saidI've never had this problem. I don't look at other men or myself as being female because.....ummmm.......we're MEN. icon_confused.gif

    I think you're taking too many cues from heterosexuals. Why can't you just be a dude who's with another dude? It's really easy but I think you're making it unnecessarily complicated.


    Agreed. When it comes to opening doors for each other, whoever gets to the handle first opens it for the other. It's really as simple as that. Also my guy and I aren't fem so neither expects to be treated like a lady.
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    Oct 19, 2015 10:52 PM GMT
    [quote][cite]Lovehidemelody said[/cite]I've been having some dilemmas in the dating field in regards to how to treat the guys I go one dates with...

    I feel like for any romantic relationship to work, there needs to be some sort of sexual polarity (and i don't mean just in the bedroom).

    For example, I was seeing a guy who is sexually a bottom and i'd say he is more geared towards the feminine side (in terms of how he thinks and what he says, as opposed to his physical traits). Personally I like to take on the more masculine role and i'd ask him out/ open the door for him/ pay for the meal etc. However, sometimes I feel like his masculine side will come out and I don't know how to adjust to this sudden sexual polarity change.

    I was also afraid that i'd come across as rather patronising when I practised chivalry.

    Reading online romantic self-help advice can be confusing because rarely it is targeted towards gay relationships. I usually heed advices that's targeted for straight men, but it hasn't been working well for me...

    It's hard because I struggle to grasp on a good balance for it. I mean, when i see guys that scream MASC or FEM, it gives me a better idea to know how to pursue them (and they'd be quite different too), but when it comes to guys who are much more in the middle, i'd become lost.

    From your experience, do you feel like gay men tend to think more like straight women? Or?

    How would you go about approaching the guy and asking him "how he likes to be treated?" - surely that would come off as rather awkward...

    Any advice? Thanks.[/quotto

    I personally would love a guy like that, minus the always paying lol. Just be you buttercup and you'll impress the right one. That the great thing about love there is so much push and pull. Not only do you have to give a guy the kind of love he needs but you to allow him to love you in a way that reaffirms his worth. This goes both ways. Most of my exes have been in the masculine role while I occupy the more feminine roll. There are always times when they reverse for a bit. Its like a dance.
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    Oct 20, 2015 2:03 PM GMT
    My guiding principles as regards any type of social interaction--intimate, professional, fraternal, etc.--are "respect" and "reasonableness." "Respect" means according someone the same treatment to which I feel I am entitled; "reasonableness" means conducting my self in a manner that comports with extant norms and standards of decency.
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    Oct 20, 2015 2:08 PM GMT
    I think it all depends of how person wants to be perceived. when you are a bottom, it's wrong to assume you should automatically identify as a submissive, feminine one. I am a versatile and I will never let myself being submissive to anyone who top me.

    sexually, maybe, but relationship wise, I wouldn't be submissive to anyone.

    I once dated a guy who keep calling me honey, and TEXTED me like 24 hours a day. my goodness, these kind of guys are as bad as heterosexual women. I decided to stop dating gay guys for good and will stick to fellow bisexuals.
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    Oct 20, 2015 7:37 PM GMT
    I think the reason why me any my boyfriend work out so well is that there is the sexual polarity in play. My boyfriend is a bit more hyper masculine that I am, he coming from a fraternity so he has been around males for a good chunk of his life, while I, don't really interact with anyone men or women.

    However, what I bring to the relationship that his past guys he tried to attempt serious relationships with were that there was no contrast for him. And that his life with another hyper masculine man was very monotone, and bland. They worked out together, ate the same things, the bedroom for his ex's were a bit of a struggle, and his ex's were not romantic at all. He had no one to round out his tougher edges, no one to really challenge him in his state of being in a relationship.

    I think if you're dating two opposite polarities can be quite interesting. But learning to adapt to anyone's personality whether it be masculine or feminine are both challenging. As a guy that falls into the spectrum of the "in-between" I can say that my pride as a man prevents me from accepting chivalrous acts like a guy paying for my meal. But you just have to be persistent about it, as for someone like me who is very hard headed it will take a while before it sinks in, thinking that "hey, this guys actually likes me". I think asking a guy how he would like to be treated would just cause confusion.

    I say offer what you can, and if he accepts or declines will say much about him. Usually men who like to be the one taken care of will gladly accept your offer of getting the bill, while men who are a bit more prideful or independent will most likely decline the offer. From there you can assess on how to interact with them later down the line should both of you feel to continue the relationship.
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    Oct 20, 2015 11:00 PM GMT
    Radd saidI've never had this problem. I don't look at other men or myself as being female because.....ummmm.......we're MEN. icon_confused.gif

    I think you're taking too many cues from heterosexuals. Why can't you just be a dude who's with another dude? It's really easy but I think you're making it unnecessarily complicated.


    +1

    A male-male relationship doesn't need to feel like a male-female relationship to be successful, or even complementary. Having dated females for half of my life, much of the appeal of dating a guy was the fact that I was dating... a guy. I am a top in the sack yet I really get turned off when the guy I'm with equates him being a "bottom" with being "the woman." No thanks. Been there. We are gonna be two hot, thumping dudes sweating it out.
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    Oct 21, 2015 2:01 AM GMT
    Lovehidemelody saidI've been having some dilemmas in the dating field in regards to how to treat the guys I go one dates with...

    I feel like for any romantic relationship to work, there needs to be some sort of sexual polarity (and i don't mean just in the bedroom).

    For example, I was seeing a guy who is sexually a bottom and i'd say he is more geared towards the feminine side (in terms of how he thinks and what he says, as opposed to his physical traits). Personally I like to take on the more masculine role and i'd ask him out/ open the door for him/ pay for the meal etc. However, sometimes I feel like his masculine side will come out and I don't know how to adjust to this sudden sexual polarity change.

    I was also afraid that i'd come across as rather patronising when I practised chivalry.

    Reading online romantic self-help advice can be confusing because rarely it is targeted towards gay relationships. I usually heed advices that's targeted for straight men, but it hasn't been working well for me...

    It's hard because I struggle to grasp on a good balance for it. I mean, when i see guys that scream MASC or FEM, it gives me a better idea to know how to pursue them (and they'd be quite different too), but when it comes to guys who are much more in the middle, i'd become lost.

    From your experience, do you feel like gay men tend to think more like straight women? Or?

    How would you go about approaching the guy and asking him "how he likes to be treated?" - surely that would come off as rather awkward...

    Any advice? Thanks.



    I think you are overthinking it a bit. And projecting the sexual roles into relationship roles in general. Some people like that, enjoy it and actively look such partners. Some even like to take it further, like serious dominant/submissive patterns in everyday life. Or to the extreme, full bdsm master/slave thing.

    While I've had weird experiences with the aforementioned stuff, other than the master-slave thing (not my thing, especially in everyday life), the weird part made things interesting, especially considering my demeanor.

    Not sure how to define myself, as most people have a tad bit different version of the definition of masculinity. Details change the face of it. I'm not feminine really, but I don't ooze uber-masculinity either. I'm quite soft, reserved and calm in most cases. I avoid conflict, compromise, negotiate, I cater, I can let a guard down. Passive masculinity is probably not the adequate word for it ... docile masculinity? Whatever the case, I'm somewhere midway on the spectrum, though I don't try to convince people differently if they deem otherwise. I know how I feel, and that should be enough for anyone who is sure of themselves.

    My second relationship was with this guy who was bottom in the bedroom, but was pretty much a dominant guy overall, even in things outside the bedroom. It wasn't super-dominance, nor did it made me feel like i was being emasculated for the sake of him feeling better in the relationship. It was done in such a way that even though I found it odd at the start, I grew to like it as time went by. It's like being introduced to a whole new psychological state of being as a concept. The mastery of the art is to make the other person grow to like it. Not overdo it or force it. He was older than me, so he had ample time to learn the tricks and more people to apply them to other than me, so by the time we got together he knew what he was doing.

    Some small examples: We both cooked, but he cooked less and he did faster, less complicated meals; He wanted somebody who's not into cars or mechanics like he was; He'd treat a small burn like you fell in a furnace or something, and bandage you like a mummy; Insisting on me sitting on his lap; Always being the big spoon; Guiding the rhythm of sex and switch of positions, often holding my hands down even though he is riding lol;

    My advice would be - Try to get a sense of what they are like through peripheral conversation, examining rounded problems directly linked to your issue, disguised as something casual. Only if you are unsure about the guy. Not sure how productive is to ask a direct question, so this may be an easier way. Or you can let the actions speak for themselves, both yours and theirs, and see where you stand.
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    Oct 22, 2015 3:58 AM GMT
    woodfordr said
    Radd saidI've never had this problem. I don't look at other men or myself as being female because.....ummmm.......we're MEN. icon_confused.gif

    I think you're taking too many cues from heterosexuals. Why can't you just be a dude who's with another dude? It's really easy but I think you're making it unnecessarily complicated.


    +1

    A male-male relationship doesn't need to feel like a male-female relationship to be successful, or even complementary. Having dated females for half of my life, much of the appeal of dating a guy was the fact that I was dating... a guy. I am a top in the sack yet I really get turned off when the guy I'm with equates him being a "bottom" with being "the woman." No thanks. Been there. We are gonna be two hot, thumping dudes sweating it out.


    well said, this sums up my thought too.

    the problem of being bottom is, it's associated as the gender role of a woman.

    I think it's erotic to be submissive sexually when you are having hot sex, but relationship wise, being submissive will put you to disadvantage.

    I perceived myself as a bottom until my third date crushed my expectation by playing hot and cold on me. After that I really loathed my past self for being a submissive bottom.

    a healthy relationship is a relationship where you treat to each other as an equal. being submissive sexually doesn't mean your top has control over you and you must act like a woman.

    I am really perplexed by all these asian potato queens who want to be submissive bottom forever, and willingly to be a "white guy's woman"

  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 872

    Feb 07, 2016 7:00 PM GMT
    There is no universal answer to this question.

    I have come across male couples who gladly organized their respective relationships along the lines of the heteronormative sexual polarity to largely varying degrees. The general assumption that the guy who mostly bottoms assumes that mostly 'feminine role' functioned as a foregone conclusion with few notable exceptions.

    If this is how you envision your m2m relationship, go for it, seek a compatible partner, and make the best out of it.icon_biggrin.gif It is your life, and other people's attitudes and beliefs should take a back seat here.

    Equally so, I have come across male couples who do not emulate the aforementioned polarity at all. These are usually the guys who simply reject the heteronormative approach and clearly reject the idea that bottoming somehow associates the guy with more of a 'female' role in their relationship.

    Whereas everyone happens to be free to choose the paradigm he may want to follow, much of the choice is usually rooted in in the culture of the environment you belong to.

    Guys who grew up in highly stratified societies usually tend to seek the comfort of the known hierarchical structure in their intimate lives, too. A dude who dominates usually tops, earns more, and generally calls the shots. He gets to pay more bills, too, possibly shoulder more responsibilities, etc.

    This type of relationships is usually present in typically asymmetrical intergenerational m2m relationships, too.

    On the other hand, guys belonging to the same peer group, who grew up in a mostly egalitarian setting are more likely than not to replicate the egalitarian approach to their relationships. They would be typically sharing the expenses, responsibilities, etc., as equally as possible.

    Some of them, like Woodford here actually point out that the big thing about dating another guy is that he is a GUY, and that he does not need to be treated like a LADY, no matter how much he may be bottoming.

    If thy know thyself, thy will know who to choose, and how to organize thy life.

    Just my 2 cents...

    SC