Autoreject

  • giodude

    Posts: 271

    Oct 21, 2015 8:53 PM GMT
    So, as most of you know, but I will reiterate it anyway, I've never been on a date/never been kissed/ no one has ever been attracted tome.

    Lately I've been liking this guy, but I literally treat him as a friend, largely because he refers to me as "friend: and that just throws a big bucket of ice cold water on my fire right there, but also because I have this chronic problem:

    I autoreject myself on other people's behalf.

    If I like someone, I obviously find qualities in them more attractive than in most of other people. So I like them for about two days and then when I encounter them again I just think :Wow. You're so kind, and smart, and happy and just . .. great. Why would you pick me me over anyone else that likes you? Everyone else has rejected me, why should you even take the time of day to consider me?" and I just leave it there. I emotionally distance myself from them and bottle up my feelings until they erupt and spew all over the place in the form of a bout of short-lived depression, and then continue to live my normal life.

    I don't have self-confidence issues in any other manner. In fact people envy my outgoing nature and my confidence in public speaking, performing (I sing here and there) and just being a great person.
    It's only in terms of romance that I feel literally less than nothing. I feel as if, even if there is no competition in sight, someone would rather pick being by themselves and waiting for someone else than giving me an inch of leeway.

    I just feel like I was designed to soldier on alone.
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    Oct 21, 2015 9:10 PM GMT
    1. You're 18 and never been on a date - May seem frustrating, but you are not the only guy in that situation.

    2. So, go on some dates, even if you think you're not good enough. You don't have to have sex, but practice dating.

    3. You seem to have diagnosed your behavior and thought process regarding potential partners - problems that you cannot overcome. Try seeing a therapist/psychologist and talk things out. Their job is to make you see what is blocking you, and help you overcome the problems. They are usually helpful in that regard..

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    Oct 21, 2015 9:10 PM GMT
    I feel the same way when I was growing up. Coming from a home where my mother is white and my father being pacific islander and going through my school days of a predominantly white influences has made me look at myself like I was very undeserving of guys I liked when I was in school. I always told myself why would he ever want me, when there was someone lighter or possibly white person that would like them. So I just never pursued going after guys who were lighter skinned then I was. icon_confused.gif

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    Oct 21, 2015 9:16 PM GMT
    giodude said

    I just feel like I was designed to soldier on alone.


    Do the Schrödinger's cat experiment.

    Unless you try, you will never know, and all you left with are neverending doubts, wondering, and self-pity.

    You gotta break the status quo somehow.
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    Oct 21, 2015 9:35 PM GMT
    you have lots of junk in our profile
    "Take the Online Dating Profile Quiz at Dating Diversions"
    but you dont give a link to the dating diversions site


    serious tho:
    you could do w/o a lot of that junk if your really 18years old.
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    Oct 22, 2015 2:20 AM GMT
    Do all the gays in S. Africa wear socks on their arms? Just wondering..

    There could be people that are attracted to you and you never know it because they don't say anything or show it to you.

    So you've identified this problem. I'm certain you're not the only person to do this. But what are you going to do differently from here on out if it's making you unhappy? icon_smile.gif
  • giodude

    Posts: 271

    Oct 22, 2015 6:20 AM GMT
    Razvigor said
    giodude said

    I just feel like I was designed to soldier on alone.


    Do the Schrödinger's cat experiment.

    Unless you try, you will never know, and all you left with are neverending doubts, wondering, and self-pity.

    You gotta break the status quo somehow.


    I have tried. I have asked people out, approached people, gotten to know people, but if they say no that's the end. How am I supposed to try dating if they won't agree to a date.

    Do I tie them to a chair and force feed them a gourmet dinner?
  • giodude

    Posts: 271

    Oct 22, 2015 6:22 AM GMT
    JackBoneTX saidDo all the gays in S. Africa wear socks on their arms? Just wondering..

    There could be people that are attracted to you and you never know it because they don't say anything or show it to you.

    So you've identified this problem. I'm certain you're not the only person to do this. But what are you going to do differently from here on out if it's making you unhappy? icon_smile.gif


    I'm the only person I know that has that problem.

    And they're arm-warmers. Typically no. They're actually sold as women's wear, but I wear them them because I like them and, that's mainly because I watch a loooooot of anime and the style of the anime characters has rubbed off on me.
  • giodude

    Posts: 271

    Oct 22, 2015 6:25 AM GMT
    pellaz saidyou have lots of junk in our profile
    "Take the Online Dating Profile Quiz at Dating Diversions"
    but you dont give a link to the dating diversions site


    serious tho:
    you could do w/o a lot of that junk if your really 18years old.

    What junk?
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    Oct 22, 2015 6:41 AM GMT
    giodude saidI have tried. I have asked people out, approached people, gotten to know people, but if they say no that's the end. How am I supposed to try dating if they won't agree to a date.

    Do I tie them to a chair and force feed them a gourmet dinner?


    No, you can't proceed if they're not interested. The problem you have is shared by so many people. And you're just 18. You are going to learn SO MUCH going forward if you remain open to it. Your top task is not to let the failures jade you though. There are enough broken gay dudes as it is..

    I would just tell you to relax, concentrate on friendships, and practicing reading people. Those that are interested will look at you different, smile at you, etc. You can try the online dating, apps, etc., but be prepared for a lot of trial and error there too.

    giodude saidI'm the only person I know that has that problem.

    And they're arm-warmers. Typically no. They're actually sold as women's wear, but I wear them them because I like them and, that's mainly because I watch a loooooot of anime and the style of the anime characters has rubbed off on me.


    Ah. Well you should wear whatever makes you happy, but of course if you dress out of the "norm" you know what society does. Gay guys are no different. I'm sure there is someone out there that will accept you as you are but there's a reason chicks dress up to snag a guy and it's not because high heels are comfortable :p Of course, if you're trying to attract other dudes who wear or are attracted to women's clothing, forget what I said. People tend to stick within their perceived type and comfort range in my experience.
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    Oct 22, 2015 4:36 PM GMT
    Mate, before anyone can love you or be attracted to you, you have to love yourself first. Once you love and accept yourself for whom you are, you will give off a positive vibe which will attract others. If you always go around thinking that you're not good enough for anyone, believe it, people see that, and it's a very unattractive quality. It has to start with you first. When you get up in the morning, look in the mirror and say at least one positive thing about yourself everyday. It will get easier and easier. My tuppence.

    Cheers,

    Sean
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    Oct 22, 2015 5:34 PM GMT
    Look for signs that they might like you:

    -Makes lots of eye contact. Some will "eye fuck" you while shy guys might look away immediately. But they will look back again.

    -Seems to smile or laught around you a lot.

    -Touches you. Hugs, grapples, poking, and pats on the back (if they do often). Means they're comfortable around you to touch you.

    -Hang around you often. Makes excuses to be around you.

    -Messages you often.

    And other stuff. If you're not oblivious, you can easily detect signs of interest. Now signs of sexual desire might be a different story.
  • FitBlackCuddl...

    Posts: 803

    Oct 22, 2015 10:42 PM GMT
    giodude saidSo, as most of you know, but I will reiterate it anyway, I've never been on a date/never been kissed/ no one has ever been attracted tome.

    Lately I've been liking this guy, but I literally treat him as a friend, largely because he refers to me as "friend: and that just throws a big bucket of ice cold water on my fire right there, but also because I have this chronic problem:

    I autoreject myself on other people's behalf.

    If I like someone, I obviously find qualities in them more attractive than in most of other people. So I like them for about two days and then when I encounter them again I just think :Wow. You're so kind, and smart, and happy and just . .. great. Why would you pick me me over anyone else that likes you? Everyone else has rejected me, why should you even take the time of day to consider me?" and I just leave it there. I emotionally distance myself from them and bottle up my feelings until they erupt and spew all over the place in the form of a bout of short-lived depression, and then continue to live my normal life.

    I don't have self-confidence issues in any other manner. In fact people envy my outgoing nature and my confidence in public speaking, performing (I sing here and there) and just being a great person.
    It's only in terms of romance that I feel literally less than nothing. I feel as if, even if there is no competition in sight, someone would rather pick being by themselves and waiting for someone else than giving me an inch of leeway.

    I just feel like I was designed to soldier on alone.


    Are you saying that if you saw yourself, YOU would not be attracted?

    If so, is probably a good thing. Because how YOU see yourself is NOT how others will.
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    Oct 23, 2015 2:42 AM GMT
    Fine_Young_Cannibal saidThen one last thing, lose the arm warmers, you're making South African's look stupid!


    >OP
    You might just try wearing a long sleeved shirt.
  • giodude

    Posts: 271

    Oct 23, 2015 7:38 AM GMT
    Fine_Young_Cannibal saidThere is no such a word as 'autoreject', it is actually referred to as being an introvert. Seems to me you have a complex. People reach out to you and you go into protective mode and shy away. If you still live with your parents it is time to fly-the-coup and become independant. Get the Pink Tongue, or visit Mamba.co.za, to stay up to date with Gay News locally. So you can partake in events and meet more people. Then one last thing, lose the arm warmers, you're making South African's look stupid!


    Listen here, Quasi Modo, South Africans do a great job of making themselves look stupid, and that includes you.

    3a5eba638be50e14c7a58b5eb7b8e94f.jpg
    NO amount of Instagram editing will filter out the ugly, mkay? Not even a monogram filter can fully disguise the bilious pastiness of that of leathery encasing you have the misfortune of calling calling your skin.

    It also seems that that blank stare of yours is accurately indicative of your basic cognitive abilities (or lack thereof), because I stated in plain words, I sing at shows and have an abundance of friends. What about that seems introverted to you?

    I am 18. It is no shame that I live with my parents (Which I don't. I study in Cape Town at UCT, which I've also said quite a few times, and my family lives in George). The only 18 years olds who don't live with their parents, have parents who are paying for their apartments for them.
  • Yatsufusa

    Posts: 23

    Oct 23, 2015 4:21 PM GMT
    giodude said
    Fine_Young_Cannibal saidThere is no such a word as 'autoreject', it is actually referred to as being an introvert. Seems to me you have a complex. People reach out to you and you go into protective mode and shy away. If you still live with your parents it is time to fly-the-coup and become independant. Get the Pink Tongue, or visit Mamba.co.za, to stay up to date with Gay News locally. So you can partake in events and meet more people. Then one last thing, lose the arm warmers, you're making South African's look stupid!


    Listen here, Quasi Modo, South Africans do a great job of making themselves look stupid, and that includes you.

    3a5eba638be50e14c7a58b5eb7b8e94f.jpg
    NO amount of Instagram editing will filter out the ugly, mkay? Not even a monogram filter can fully disguise the bilious pastiness of that of leathery encasing you have the misfortune of calling calling your skin.

    It also seems that that blank stare of yours is accurately indicative of your basic cognitive abilities (or lack thereof), because I stated in plain words, I sing at shows and have an abundance of friends. What about that seems introverted to you?

    I am 18. It is no shame that I live with my parents (Which I don't. I study in Cape Town at UCT, which I've also said quite a few times, and my family lives in George). The only 18 years olds who don't live with their parents, have parents who are paying for their apartments for them.


    Maybe why this is why you have no luck with finding dates, someone tries to give you advice or an idea on how to improve upon yourself and what do you do? You go on the defensive AND criticize their physical appearance of all things...
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    Oct 23, 2015 4:27 PM GMT
    Yatsufusa said
    giodude said
    Fine_Young_Cannibal saidThere is no such a word as 'autoreject', it is actually referred to as being an introvert. Seems to me you have a complex. People reach out to you and you go into protective mode and shy away. If you still live with your parents it is time to fly-the-coup and become independant. Get the Pink Tongue, or visit Mamba.co.za, to stay up to date with Gay News locally. So you can partake in events and meet more people. Then one last thing, lose the arm warmers, you're making South African's look stupid!


    Listen here, Quasi Modo, South Africans do a great job of making themselves look stupid, and that includes you.

    3a5eba638be50e14c7a58b5eb7b8e94f.jpg
    NO amount of Instagram editing will filter out the ugly, mkay? Not even a monogram filter can fully disguise the bilious pastiness of that of leathery encasing you have the misfortune of calling calling your skin.

    It also seems that that blank stare of yours is accurately indicative of your basic cognitive abilities (or lack thereof), because I stated in plain words, I sing at shows and have an abundance of friends. What about that seems introverted to you?

    I am 18. It is no shame that I live with my parents (Which I don't. I study in Cape Town at UCT, which I've also said quite a few times, and my family lives in George). The only 18 years olds who don't live with their parents, have parents who are paying for their apartments for them.


    Maybe why this is why you have no luck with finding dates, someone tries to give you advice or an idea on how to improve upon yourself and what do you do? You go on the defensive AND criticize their physical appearance of all things...


    Yes, the ugliest trait someone can possess isn't their physical appearance but how they carry themselves as a person.
  • giodude

    Posts: 271

    Oct 23, 2015 5:42 PM GMT
    Yatsufusa said
    giodude said
    Fine_Young_Cannibal saidThere is no such a word as 'autoreject', it is actually referred to as being an introvert. Seems to me you have a complex. People reach out to you and you go into protective mode and shy away. If you still live with your parents it is time to fly-the-coup and become independant. Get the Pink Tongue, or visit Mamba.co.za, to stay up to date with Gay News locally. So you can partake in events and meet more people. Then one last thing, lose the arm warmers, you're making South African's look stupid!


    Listen here, Quasi Modo, South Africans do a great job of making themselves look stupid, and that includes you.

    3a5eba638be50e14c7a58b5eb7b8e94f.jpg
    NO amount of Instagram editing will filter out the ugly, mkay? Not even a monogram filter can fully disguise the bilious pastiness of that of leathery encasing you have the misfortune of calling calling your skin.

    It also seems that that blank stare of yours is accurately indicative of your basic cognitive abilities (or lack thereof), because I stated in plain words, I sing at shows and have an abundance of friends. What about that seems introverted to you?

    I am 18. It is no shame that I live with my parents (Which I don't. I study in Cape Town at UCT, which I've also said quite a few times, and my family lives in George). The only 18 years olds who don't live with their parents, have parents who are paying for their apartments for them.


    Maybe why this is why you have no luck with finding dates, someone tries to give you advice or an idea on how to improve upon yourself and what do you do? You go on the defensive AND criticize their physical appearance of all things...


    I have 0 tolerance for people implying that I am/look stupid. I'm sure people dislike that I wear armwarmers, and some people do. That was not the topic of discussion.
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    Oct 23, 2015 5:47 PM GMT
    Yatsufusa said
    Maybe why this is why you have no luck with finding dates, someone tries to give you advice or an idea on how to improve upon yourself and what do you do? You go on the defensive AND criticize their physical appearance of all things...


    While his response wasn't civil, neither was FYC's post. Even less characterized as helpful. Both of them should learn how to speak to people.
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    Oct 23, 2015 6:09 PM GMT
    giodude saidno one has ever been attracted tome.


    giodude saidI'm sure people dislike that I wear armwarmers, and some people do. That was not the topic of discussion.


    It's related, IMO. You said you are wearing them because you watch a lot of anime. I watched an awful lot of the Smurfs when I was little. Man, I loved that shit... you got this awesome deep green forest, an evil wizard, snarky-ass cat, fucking... smurfberries...

    But if I walked around with blue hair and wondered why no one was interested in me, I would want someone to tell me to stop dressing like I was in a goddamn cartoon. Because we don't live in one and it's weird.

    Your personality might be amazing when people get to know you but initial attraction is almost always based on appearance.

    Ok, you can attack my pictures now :p
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    Oct 23, 2015 6:43 PM GMT
    JackBoneTX said
    Ok, you can attack my pictures now :p


    That would be very difficult.
  • giodude

    Posts: 271

    Oct 23, 2015 8:57 PM GMT
    JackBoneTX said
    giodude saidno one has ever been attracted tome.


    giodude saidI'm sure people dislike that I wear armwarmers, and some people do. That was not the topic of discussion.


    It's related, IMO. You said you are wearing them because you watch a lot of anime. I watched an awful lot of the Smurfs when I was little. Man, I loved that shit... you got this awesome deep green forest, an evil wizard, snarky-ass cat, fucking... smurfberries...

    But if I walked around with blue hair and wondered why no one was interested in me, I would want someone to tell me to stop dressing like I was in a goddamn cartoon. Because we don't live in one and it's weird.

    Your personality might be amazing when people get to know you but initial attraction is almost always based on appearance.

    Ok, you can attack my pictures now :p


    People have blue hair nowadays, grampa. I will wear what I like, when I like it.

    Seeing as I'm free to attack your pictures, of which there are 5, the only thing I can say is that you look like trailer trash. The pictures are as uninteresting, unimaginative and bland as their subject matter (which is you). The only commonality between them is a distinct trashiness, and I don't know whether it's because you're a 43 year old dressing like a 19 year old who stayed up after their bed time when they were 12 and watched too many Ice-Cube movies despite their mommy's warnings, or whether the trashiness is as inherent to you as an unsightly birthmark. Personally I think it's combination of both, because you were an ugly baby as well icon_smile.gif
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    Oct 23, 2015 9:14 PM GMT
    Hey Gio that was totally uncalled for. I know this is just an Internet forum, but if you do that irl too, then people won't like you.

    As for your "autoreject" tendencies, the more you think that way, the more it will come true. Yean rejection hurts. But if you dwell on that automatically assume someone doesn't like you, no one will.
  • giodude

    Posts: 271

    Oct 23, 2015 9:59 PM GMT
    Swifterchris saidHey Gio that was totally uncalled for. I know this is just an Internet forum, but if you do that irl too, then people won't like you.

    As for your "autoreject" tendencies, the more you think that way, the more it will come true. Yean rejection hurts. But if you dwell on that automatically assume someone doesn't like you, no one will.


    I don't randomly go around verbally attacking people, but if people start things, I will finish them. I am not a pacifist.

    Anyways, I have realised that. It's just very difficult to break that cycle.
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    Oct 25, 2015 2:18 AM GMT
    giodude said
    Ok, you can attack my pictures now :p


    People have blue hair nowadays, grampa. I will wear what I like, when I like it.

    Seeing as I'm free to attack your pictures, of which there are 5, the only thing I can say is that you look like trailer trash. The pictures are as uninteresting, unimaginative and bland as their subject matter (which is you). The only commonality between them is a distinct trashiness, and I don't know whether it's because you're a 43 year old dressing like a 19 year old who stayed up after their bed time when they were 12 and watched too many Ice-Cube movies despite their mommy's warnings, or whether the trashiness is as inherent to you as an unsightly birthmark. Personally I think it's combination of both, because you were an ugly baby as well icon_smile.gif


    I'm a little surprised you still felt the need to do that (well, maybe not after what you said to FYC). Insulting someone because of their age is ridiculous. You have the exact same fate ahead of you.

    You're a horrible, petty mess. I tried to help you when almost no one else did but I now wash my hands of you. Your destiny is to be yet another jaded, broken drama queen. On the bright side, at least your arms will be warm...