Want to leave my bf for my old fwb

  • Oct 25, 2015 11:36 PM GMT
    My current boyfriend of 3 months is a lot younger than me and adores me with what feels a lot like puppy love. I find him super cute, but I've been realizing more and more that he doesn't turn me on sexually. We also have relatively little in common besides mutual affection.

    I've been realizing also that the guy I really want to be with is my old fwb (now just a good friend), whom I have an extremely good chemistry with. He is a couple years older than me, but we're basically on the same level intellectually, and we constantly challenge each other to be a better person, despite our difference in moral values (he is what is traditionally known as, uh, a slut lol). Even though I constantly judge and write off people, somehow I can easily look past all of his faults. Physically he is not quite universally hot, but is almost perfect to me. The only reason why I eventually ended the "benefits" part of our friendship is because he wasn't looking for anything serious, and we are both tops (we've done everything but anal). He had mentioned a few times how good we'll be together as a couple if it weren't these obstacles.

    I can't help but wonder if his thinking has evolved in the past year. At 31, is he finally ready to settle down? I am actually willing to bottom half the time if he would do the same. I would totally break up with my bf tomorrow if I could be in a LTR with him. I want to just tell him where I stand on this, and to know where he stands, but it seems tasteless.

  • Oct 26, 2015 12:13 AM GMT
    > Stop leading your current boyfriend on and wasting his time - let him know how you feel

    > Your old FWB was just that - he doesn't want anything serious with you. It doesn't mean he isn't open to being serious with someone, but he didn't see it happening with you. Unless he instigates or changed his mind (due to experiences, etc), his position will stay the same

    > "I would totally break up with my bf tomorrow if I could be in a LTR with him"--> don't treat your boyfriend as a back-up option. That's terrible.
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    Oct 26, 2015 12:40 AM GMT
    i am willing to bet the fwb has not "evolved" in the last year.

  • Oct 26, 2015 5:50 AM GMT
    Well a year ago when I was with the fwb, he was still hung up about his ex (who is in another LTR already). He had warned me about his situation, but I got involved anyway because of his hotness, and hoping that he'll come around... but eventually I left him believing that I was wasting my time.

    If it weren't for him, I wouldn't even think of leaving my bf. Despite the lack of sexual chemistry, I was hoping that it will develop with time and emotional attachment, just that it hasn't happened after 3 months. I've already stopped trying to look good for him lol, but without any effect. And I see the sex as trivial. I don't expect to see anyone out there good enough besides these two, hence I don't want to jeopardize anything with my bf before knowing whether a LTR is possible with the other guy.

    I just confided with a couple of close friends about this, and there was a short debate between them about whether telling the fwb my feelings constitutes cheating.

    So far my approach is to first tell my bf about my reservations thus far (minus the fwb part) and pick his brain about how serious he is about this relationship. If he had doubts too then he might be prepared for if everything goes south. There doesn't seem to be a non-asshole way to do this.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 26, 2015 5:28 PM GMT
    So much drama. Try being single and seek therapy. Only insecure dolts date people with the drama that seems to flow from you.
  • Suetonius

    Posts: 2181

    Oct 26, 2015 11:06 PM GMT
    As Svnw688 put it in PO's last troll thread:

    "OP, on his second post, is an obvious flame-troll."

    No profile - rather trollish post, even if now number 5.

    Thanks for amusing us. Now go back under your bridge.
  • highforthis

    Posts: 747

    Oct 27, 2015 1:24 AM GMT
    It's pretty consistent with his other thread. 2 aspects to the same issue. If anything I find it refreshing to see real people sharing their weaknesses with no desire to impress an online audience... as opposed to the usual keyboard warriors.

    I've seen older people ask dumber questions here, so if anyone is afraid of drama, just stick to anonymous hookups and don't worry about trying to find love.
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    Oct 27, 2015 12:01 PM GMT
    ^ Doesn't prove anything. Just a high-qual troll. Trolls can be consistent too, if he isn't a troll then accept everyone's advice?

    OP, don't expect us to accept your lifestyle. You either ask for a open relationship, or break up and seek professional therapy as suggested.icon_rolleyes.gif
  • Oceans_of_Flo...

    Posts: 393

    Oct 27, 2015 7:16 PM GMT
    Let the boy go - easy. I know you know how. Your FWB was just that and if it makes you feel good, when you're single again, reinstate him. But, don't deceive yourself into thinking you and he evolved at the same time or that you're done evolving. Have FUN - monogamy isn't going anywhere.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 28, 2015 2:36 AM GMT
    pellaz saidi am willing to bet the fwb has not "evolved" in the last year.


  • Oct 28, 2015 5:06 AM GMT
    Interestingly enough, I had beers with him and a few friends tonight, but before the others arrived, I asked him how his latest date went, and he said that while it wasn't a date (the other guy got friendzoned) he added that he has officially gotten over his ex as of the summer, and wants to start looking to date again. This is while he is under the impression that I'm happy with my bf, and he's normally very open about his promiscuity, so I want to believe that he meant it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 28, 2015 11:08 PM GMT

    Sounds like you want your cake and eat it to

    That double edge sword
    Oh karma is a bitch wait until she bites your ass

    The disposal gay man