Being Vulnerable

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 30, 2015 1:01 AM GMT
    Just putting this out there real quick...

    I am someone who is usually VERY independent, I like being by myself and in my head a lot...I LOVE hanging out with my friends and being the life of the party, but then I always need to hibernate for a while...I mean must be an introvert thing. I realized that I can handle friendships, just fine, but relationships not so much.

    I rarely allow myself to be vulnerable or to like someone...I always have my guards up and always looking for a deal breaker.
    Also, I get fucking attached to the guys who managed to break through too damn fast. It's like I am helpless when it comes to emotions...On a bright side, it's all in my head and I show them that I am into them sparingly.

    I started talking to someone and we later started FaceTiming every night...I didn't think too much of it...But I started looking forward to our video chat at night and to my surprise the chemistry was insane one we did meet....Just INCREDIBLE.

    Now, I feel vulnerable and almost disgusted with myself that someone has this hold over me, almost as if I was at their mercy and I can't help thinking about our time together...Just like some teenager. I despise the idea of ownership when it comes to relationships...But I think I might be one of "those people".

    The thing is to counter that, I have started to actively talk to other guys to keep my mind off him. It's fucking ridiculous, but I feel like I am getting back control in some twisted ways. Basically, I don't do well with emotions and feelings...and don't know what to do with myself currently.
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    Oct 30, 2015 4:05 AM GMT
    I used to get like this when I was single and dating. Guys would talk to me and move too fast and would say ANYTHING sweet to get them on your good side. The secret in not feeling helpless in this whirlwind of emotions is to find a life outside of this person. You can NOT make them your whole world, that's how they get you.

    Find hobbies you enjoy talk to your friends, have happy hour with them just do SOMETHING that gets your mind off of this person. Also what helped me is to find qualities you don't like about them and just think of those things, it sounds weird but the more you tell yourself that you don't really like them the more it will start to sink in.

    Another thing that helped me was that you have to stop day dreaming about your life with this person. STOP IT! lol. You don't know this person well enough to start thinking about a house with a white picket fence with a dog name toto. It's all a mind game. Once you learn how to play the game you have a higher chance of winning.

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    Oct 30, 2015 4:12 AM GMT
    Make a decision to take a vacation from yourself (that is, your "rarely allow myself to be vulnerable" self), and let yourself be vulnerable. See what happens...

    ... And I think you'll find that you're stronger than vulnerability.

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    Oct 30, 2015 1:12 PM GMT
    You need to speak with a mental health professional.
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    Oct 30, 2015 4:34 PM GMT
    I used to be like you. I never allowed myself to be vulnerable and considered myself a strong individual that didn't need anyone. I learned, though, that not allowing yourself to be vulnerable also means not allowing yourself to experience the full extent that a relationship (even just a friendship) can offer.

    I had good friends, but they were always allowed only so close to my inner thoughts, desires, fears, etc. I finally let myself be vulnerable with the last guy I was seeing and it was wonderful. The emotions that came with it were very intense, and they made my outlook on life cheerier. I also hated the fact that he had this "power" over me in that he was always in my thoughts. (He was the first guy I "saw".) The relationship between us was short and things didn't work out, and I hated myself for allowing myself to be that vulnerable, but I learned alot about myself, about the gay community, dating in the gay community, and dating in general.

    It's a balance you have to work out. How much do you allow yourself to be vulnerable? How much do you hold back? How do you keep those feelings for the other person at bay? Those are all issues that you'll have to work on as the relationship progresses. It won't be easy, but I've been told it gets easier with each relationship.
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    Oct 30, 2015 8:21 PM GMT
    UndercoverMan saidYou need to speak with a mental health professional.

    This, ASAP
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    Oct 30, 2015 10:28 PM GMT
    I agree with Undercover man that you might want to talk to someone who specializes in vulnerability who can help you. Just so you know, vulnerability is one of the top struggles for adult men. When you go through counseling you learn that vulnerability is not necessarily the problem, your perspective and perception of it is. It is very much a part of being alive and can help you form super powerful connections.

    The main problem is that we (especially guys) don't really talk about vulnerability as a society so much and we often clumsily pick up cues here and there from family, friends, partners and even movies. We aren't really taught in class or at work about what we're feeling, why we're feeling it, or what to do with those emotions. Throw in stupid notions of what "toughness" means and you have mini-bombs in the form of human beings walking around each other in desperate need of compassion but incapable of even accepting it.

    Here is a TedTalk I watched awhile ago that might help give you more insight...
    https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability?language=en
    I tried to embed the video but for some reason it only shows when I preview the message.

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    Oct 30, 2015 11:50 PM GMT
    woodfordr saidI agree with Undercover man that you might want to talk to someone who specializes in vulnerability who can help you. Just so you know, vulnerability is one of the top struggles for adult men. When you go through counseling you learn that vulnerability is not necessarily the problem, your perspective and perception of it is. It is very much a part of being alive and can help you form super powerful connections.

    The main problem is that we (especially guys) don't really talk about vulnerability as a society so much and we often clumsily pick up cues here and there from family, friends, partners and even movies. We aren't really taught in class or at work about what we're feeling, why we're feeling it, or what to do with those emotions. Throw in stupid notions of what "toughness" means and you have mini-bombs in the form of human beings walking around each other in desperate need of compassion but incapable of even accepting it.

    Here is a TedTalk I watched awhile ago that might help give you more insight...
    https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability?language=en
    I tried to embed the video but for some reason it only shows when I preview the message.



    Thanks for the vid, I will check it out.
    I am already seeing a therapist and just posted it on here out of frustration. Cheers!
  • Oceans_of_Flo...

    Posts: 393

    Oct 31, 2015 12:23 AM GMT

    Oh, pish, its not vulnerability to like someone, its vulnerability to be afraid to like someone. And I find it alarming that your defense mechanism is to chat up others. If liking him drove you to that, who are you macking on then - guys you don't like? How deep does this go? Are you also vulnerable because you're gay? (giggle), I could see how you could be physically, but honestly then - what is your model of strength? Is it some bitchy queen who "knows" a lot of guys, but avoids liking anyone? If you start to "like" the men around you, you might find affability effulgent enough to reveal many of them to be foes in the light and the ones you thought villains before, were just guilty of liking you.
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    Oct 31, 2015 1:56 AM GMT
    Ah you're the emotionally unavailable type. That's not so uncommon nowadays. This behavior can be pretty sabotaging since it's all about preserving the ego. Worry less about that and you'll be fine. I'd be more concerned if you were emotionally detached but that's definitely not the case here.

  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 873

    Oct 31, 2015 4:00 AM GMT
    A good thing here would be start considering the fact that this other guy is not an instrumental in your life, and that you should not be one in his life either.

    You are trying to date. Why would you develop any vulnerability about it at all? Sure, you are looking for a lover, bf, fb, husband, etc., AND so is the other guy. This makes no one in particular vulnerable at all.

    The source of your vulnerability is your (mis)perception that this other guy is now going to be a vital adjunct to your life. And, you fear that he may not be functioning exactly as you would want him to function, so that he may shatter your dreams.

    No guy out there is trying to date anyone purely for the purpose of fulfilling this other dude's dreams. Understand your date as a person who is seeking pretty much the same thing you are looking for. The reciprocal vulnerabilities are canceling each other.

    The other source of fear is that the things may not work out between the two of you. This is what comes with the dating territory. You are afraid, and more likely than not, this other dude is afraid, too.

    So, you get going, and try to negotiate your way around the obstacles that may show up. If it works, fine, if it does not, you'll simply have to live with it, and move on.

    Stop short of seeing any element of ownership there. This is just another word for taking things for granted.

    SC
  • JackNNJ

    Posts: 1051

    Nov 01, 2015 1:59 PM GMT
    Try taking one day off from thinking about yourself.