Is 28 too young to be having a midlife crisis? What exactly is it anyway?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 02, 2015 7:03 AM GMT
    I've come to the conclusion that I'm possibly experiencing a midlife crisis and feel like I'm spinning out of control and losing myself more and more each day.

    So far, I seem to be: wanting to go to the gym less, ive had a long string of dates over the past few months have been disappointing..mainly because of indifferences that came up. Even friendships right now, bumpy to say the least. I can't even find any sort of community or bond with anyone right now.

    Right now I'm just going to bars to socialize, which I feel is probably just aggravating my condition, not because of drinking...but because It's only making me feel more alone and meeting more flighty types.

    I don't know what I'm going thru right now, but it's def. a state of hopelessness and unmotivation. I don't know where or when it started exactly, but it's been an on and off thing now since 2 back to back relationship fails a few months ago. Every since then, I've been stuck in a tailspin and can't seem to snap out of it.

    I have 1 more question: is it better off to go to a "swimclub" when you're alone and single versus a regular bar/club? Might sound crazy, but when I've heard of guys wanting to meet someone offline, it seems like the bathhouse has been mentioned more than once. But I'm not a casual sex kind of guy though, and don't think that'd help my situation any better either.


  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Nov 02, 2015 7:17 AM GMT
    sort of ... you are about to hit 30 and this is about the time you start questioning where you are and where you are headed. It sort of like a panic mode when you suddenly realized that life isn't all fun and games and you start to realize there are only a few finite years to life. Hang in there, don't burn your bridges permanently you might need to come back to them sometime in the future.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 02, 2015 8:12 AM GMT
    Its actually called quarter life crisis and is common. I had mine at 24.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 872

    Nov 02, 2015 1:49 PM GMT
    In one form or the other every dude I know goes through this sooner or later.

    Your plans and wishes are one thing, and reality is another. More often than not, these two do not coincide.

    Drinking won't make you attractive or more successful in any way. But a changed attitude will.

    Sure, you have your wishes and plans but you can manage your life as it is, too. A dude who depends on the others for his sense of happiness and fulfillment is really a poor guy.

    Use your precious time to develop and mature your personality. Go out, exercise, have fun, meet other guys remembering that they are NOT your instrumentals. Have fun, and enjoy yourself. Happy, content and satisfied folks command huge appeal.

    Shrug with your shoulders, and move on.

    SC
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 02, 2015 2:20 PM GMT
    In my personal opinion, there's no such thing as "midlife crisis." It's a cop out invented by people who are unable to assert control over the trajectory of their lives. As a starting point, I would look within myself and re-assess my motivation and priorities, and go from there.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 02, 2015 2:44 PM GMT
    AMoonHawk saidsort of ... you are about to hit 30 and this is about the time you start questioning where you are and where you are headed. It sort of like a panic mode when you suddenly realized that life isn't all fun and games and you start to realize there are only a few finite years to life. Hang in there, don't burn your bridges permanently you might need to come back to them sometime in the future.

    True. Turning 30 is often when men view themselves as finally beginning to turn older. In your 20s you're still considered young, but at 30 you're starting the slide downhill, or so some see it.

    And depending on your interests and aspirations, even if not fully realistic, turning 30 may also mean the end of them. At 30 you're not likely to suddenly become a world-class athletic sports star. Kinda old to suddenly become a rock musician. And in the world of serious classical music, if you aren't already very accomplished by this point, your future chances are becoming almost nil. Professional dancing's probably out of the picture, too, as are many of the performing arts.

    Lots of advanced degree professions are difficult to begin studying by 30 and then break into as a career, as well. So it means that doors are closing. And whatever you are today is more likely what you're gonna remain than when you were turning only 20.

    But don't start opening the bottle of sleeping pills yet. The magic of maturity and experience can play to one's advantage, in any career or pursuit. Now's the time to do a personal assessment, and weigh strengths & weaknesses, talents & liabilities.

    And you can get better with age. Every year of my Army career for 25 years I was better than the year before, at least in my own estimation. Promotions and awards tended to reinforce that. And when I retired my personal life blossomed. I consider the 10 years between 45 and 55 my Golden Decade. Happiest time of my life, with one period of tragedy I overcame. And I'm still pretty happy today.

    The OP shouldn't let late 20s and passing 30 throw him for a loop. He's just gotta change his strategies, if he's not content with the present status quo. And remember the classic adage: For every door that closes, another door opens.
  • Oceans_of_Flo...

    Posts: 393

    Nov 02, 2015 7:17 PM GMT

    Manopause? I've gone through it about seven times in the last fifteen years. Get a mug made and hold on.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 02, 2015 10:09 PM GMT
    Isn't that where you start frantically doing things for fun, before it's too late? Sleeping with people half your age; driving sports cars; taking up extreme sports that your joints are too old for; getting a make-over; etc...

    Yes, 28 is too young because having sex with people half your age is illegal! icon_surprised.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 02, 2015 10:18 PM GMT
    DOMINUS saidIn my personal opinion, there's no such thing as "midlife crisis." It's a cop out invented by people who are unable to assert control over the trajectory of their lives. As a starting point, I would look within myself and re-assess my motivation and priorities, and go from there.


    yep, exactly. Mid life crisis is the term people use to describe an overwhelming realization of self awareness. You have a lot of power now in directing the trajectory of your life and you now have stage fright. Calm yourself, realize that whatever happens you have a lot in your life to be grateful for, and move forward as courageously as possible. When it comes to dating, i'm 23 and a borderline failure, but I still feel good about myself. I aim to improve in the same areas of you, and just as the user above, I recommend you prioritize deeper self discovery.
  • Nakedman1969

    Posts: 247

    Nov 02, 2015 10:53 PM GMT
    I'm 45 so I guess I haven't had mine yet. Or I just don't know what it is.
  • tj85016

    Posts: 4123

    Nov 02, 2015 11:14 PM GMT
    Nakedman1969 saidI'm 45 so I guess I haven't had mine yet. Or I just don't know what it is.


    it's when you buy a Miata and try to pick up 21 year old twinks in a bar - it's really disturbing to watch
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 03, 2015 1:39 AM GMT
    Life gets easier as you get older. Seriously, it does. I just turned 35, and I don't have to struggle as hard as I did in my 20's to live independently. I'm happy.
    One thing - When I was younger, I did assume I'd be married by now. But I'm learning that it's okay to be alone.
  • roadbikeRob

    Posts: 14345

    Nov 03, 2015 1:46 AM GMT
    Nakedman1969 saidI'm 45 so I guess I haven't had mine yet. Or I just don't know what it is.
    Please I have been in a male mid life crisis since I was 40 and now I am 54 and still suffering from it along with a fairly recent outbreak of shingles and sciatica. In addition being stuck in a shitty low wage office clerk job where I am only making $10.20 an hour for only 20 to 24 hours a week. No wonder I am locked in crisis. I am not a happy camper that is for sure.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 03, 2015 1:55 AM GMT
    roadbikeRob said
    Nakedman1969 saidI'm 45 so I guess I haven't had mine yet. Or I just don't know what it is.
    Please I have been in a male mid life crisis since I was 40 and now I am 54 and still suffering from it along with a fairly recent outbreak of shingles and sciatica. In addition being stuck in a shitty low wage office clerk job where I am only making $10.20 an hour for only 20 to 24 hours a week. No wonder I am locked in crisis. I am not a happy camper that is for sure.


    Should be a solution out there. I see hiring or help wanted signs everywhere. Hell, Homo Depot and Menards hires old guys so I presume Lowes does too. These days, there isn't a store I go in that isn't hiring and it's forcing pay up.

    We're at 2.8% unemployment and going down. That creates havoc trying to find workers.

    Even if you can't improve wages much, and I think you can, you sure can pick up more hours.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 04, 2015 4:08 AM GMT
    tj85016 said
    Nakedman1969 saidI'm 45 so I guess I haven't had mine yet. Or I just don't know what it is.


    it's when you buy a Miata and try to pick up 21 year old twinks in a bar - it's really disturbing to watch


    In that case then, every gay white guy who is coming onto me is having a midlife crisis lol. Everytime I go out, some guy who turns out to be 40 or so is trying to get at me...only to find out their boyfriend is around the corner. Seems like guys actually become men and more ballsy when they have a boyfriend to fall back on. Bunch of bullcrap.

    I'm just really over the gay scene where I live, but it also speaks for many gay scenes. I know it sounds cliched and trite, but part of what I can't stand is these guys in their late 30s and 40s coming onto me, and then one had the nerve to say he's looking for someone closer to his age....when HE was the one who hit me up first and was asking me out. Then, one day he says he's not looking to get married, the next week talking about compatability and common stuff. Thats how most gay guys are, they will turn on you at the drop of a fucking dime.

    It just seems like most gay guys are petty, insecure or full of themselves. And it's stupid that their bullshit would affect me, but after awhile and a cumulation of the crap, it starts to affect my outlook on life and whether I'm even happy being a gay man, living a gay lifestyle period. This whole existence is built on temporary and in the moment. Even when I listen to the stories of my friends, it's all the same thing. And even my friends aren't really my friends. They do things all the time that hurt and confuse me, I don't even want them around, and will make sure that come the holidays...non of them WONT be around me. I'll be with my family and my Orlando boyfriend.

    I'm not throwing in the towel, but just letting people know where I'm coming from and why
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 04, 2015 4:43 AM GMT
    tj85016 said
    Nakedman1969 saidI'm 45 so I guess I haven't had mine yet. Or I just don't know what it is.

    it's when you buy a Miata and try to pick up 21 year old twinks in a bar - it's really disturbing to watch

    When I was an Army Lt. Colonel my office manager was a Master Sergeant/E-8 in his 40s. He got divorced, and then sorta jumped the tracks.

    He bought himself a red 2-seater sports car, dyed his hair darker and got it cut in a boyish style that didn't suit him. He started wearing a "Members Only" jacket when off duty (this is 25 years ago), that looked ridiculous on him, and began dating much younger women.

    I never liked to intrude on the private lives of my subordinates, unless it was interfering with their job performance, that directly concerned me. But I tried to give him some gentle counseling that his behavior was undermining his position & authority with his own subordinates.

    He was shortly reassigned, that resulted in his promotion to Sergeant Major/E-9, with a strong recommendation from me, the highest enlisted pay grade you can achieve. He married one of these younger women, and I attended the wedding.

    Tragically, about a year later he dropped dead of a sudden heart attack. I also attended his military funeral. A duty I had too many times in my career.

    If I've learned anything it's that life can be so strange and unexpected. And if you have a mid-life crisis, or a quarter-life crisis, or whatever, it's your life, not mine. I suppose the only important thing is that you still have a life, in whatever form it takes.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 04, 2015 5:19 AM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle said
    FuzzyPecs27 saidI'll be with my family and my Orlando boyfriend.


    Your "Orlando boyfriend"?

    Your profile says you're single.


    Well....yeah, but it's one of those things where you keep the status quo until things get official.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 04, 2015 8:10 AM GMT
    Art_Deco said
    When I was an Army Lt. Colonel my office manager was a Master Sergeant/E-8 in his 40s. He got divorced, and then sorta jumped the tracks. He bought himself a red 2-seater sports car, dyed his hair darker and got it cut in a boyish style that didn't suit him, and began dating much younger women.

    Tragically, about a year later he dropped dead of a sudden heart attack. I also attended his military funeral. A duty I had too many times in my career


    I'm glad you told this story. This just reinforces the suspicion that I need to stay the goddam fuck away from 40 year olds in the dating realm. This past year, I've dated FIVE different 40 year olds who seem to be going thru some weird mid-life crisis, and did the exact same: dressing like their in their 20s, drinking and partying, and just playing mind fuck games. Some of them mother fuckers need to drop dead suddenly because I wanted to kill em myself.

    The issue is...these 40 yr old guys having midlife crisis are so cunning and conniving. 2 of them lied about their age, and one I met out and about and didn't realize he was in his 40s. And every one of them were liars. Lies, lies, lies, empty promises, then blame me for everytime something went wrong. When in reality, they were just playing the field all the while and using me for a freebie good time.

    For now on, for the next 5-10, 15 years, I'm not dealing with anymore 40 year old men. Because their issues become my issue, and causes confusion in my life. A lot of them are good lays, but if it's just to "get their groove back", they can step the fuck back. Just leave my money on the dresser after we fuck.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 04, 2015 8:41 AM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle said
    Dang, you really are a mess. You refuse to see it.

    Just another one of your, "I'm fine but everyone else is fucked up" threads.


    Why you gotta be so objective? You're always up my ass. Do you wanna fuck? I know you're 40 and that's probably offensive to you. But based on what Art Deco said, and the examples I gave...clearly something is up when 40s types start dating much younger than them.

    Look at what the this thread is about. Duh! It's not about me being perfect and everyone else being fucked up. I just admitted that I need to change by stop dating 40 year olds. That's a flaw I admitted. However, just like Art said, most of these men dating younger shows that they are trying to fill a void possibly, and it's not really long term.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 04, 2015 9:02 AM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidI'm not forty. I'm forty-four and am fine with my age. Now it makes perfect sense that you flung that "retirement home" comment at me and another user here who is in his forties. You're taking out your frustrations with your dating woes on people here.

    All these conniving and cunning men in their forties that are after you. It must be tough being in high demand. So are saying you're 100% honest with them from the start? They all know that you're a sex worker and don't have issues with it?


    I said nursing home and silver alerts. Didn't you once reveal you were once in the biz too? I'm not throwing shade, but just asking you the same question, if you were 100% honest.

    That said, of the ones I mentioned...they all knew. One was in it himself. They all knew except for 1 of the 5. And I didn't tell him because we only met twice for like a few hours...and if I don't feel someone is really invested or they out dating all around town themselves, I don't tell em nada. Not all bitches need to be in my personal business. Too many guys are gossip queens anyway, so unless they have a good reason to know, they don't need to.

    If I sense a guy is just being nosy and artificial, I don't open up to them.
  • venue35

    Posts: 4644

    Nov 04, 2015 9:42 AM GMT
    Fuzzypecs i thought you were more intelligent..
    Turning 40 is not as far away from you as you think.
    Before you know it you will hit the big 4-0 and i really hope you are prepared for it because you sound terrified.
    Seriously you talk as if anyone over 35 smells or has a disease. Also the comment that "if you are 40 just leave the money on the dresser" is...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 04, 2015 9:50 AM GMT
    I think part of your problem is that you seem so heavily invested/involved in the gay 'scene' and it's distorted your perception.

    Take a break from a full on 'gay lifestyle' and just go out and do regular things and keep things simple.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 04, 2015 2:33 PM GMT
    FuzzyPecs27 said
    Look at what the this thread is about. Duh! It's not about me being perfect and everyone else being fucked up. I just admitted that I need to change by stop dating 40 year olds. That's a flaw I admitted. However, just like Art said, most of these men dating younger shows that they are trying to fill a void possibly, and it's not really long term.

    As often mentioned here, I didn't come out until I was turning 46, shortly after my military retirement. And when I emailed the gay guy who had inadvertently helped me to discover myself online, after decades of ignorant denial, to proudly inform him I had finally come to my gay "senses", he panicked.

    No, he protested, you're too masculine to be gay, he wrote me. WHAT??? It was YOU telling me that gay men are very commonly masculine, contrary to stereotypes, that broke through my denial. Well, he wrote, you just retired, and have separated from your wife, you're just having a mid-life crisis. I don't wanna be blamed for "recruiting" you, he said. Well pretty good recruiting - over 20 years later and I get gayer every day. LOL!

    But more to our point here, I did have to pause and think about that. I was mid-40s, going through some dramatic, even traumatic, changes in my life. Was a reaction to that to merely imagine I was gay?

    No, I remembered beginning to acquire Playgirl magazines in my 20s, shortly after they started to be published. And wanking off to the naked guys. And having no interest in women at all, my first date at 26 merely to satisfy my nagging parents. But those faggy stereotypes from my generation, that I didn't match, kept me from believing I could be "one of them". Plus my military career ruled out that possibility. Hell, I'd end up in Leavenworth prison in those days.

    So actually I don't think I ever did have a mid-life crisis. Rather, I had a mid-life Renaissance. Happiest time of my life, when I discovered my true self. And if that's called a crisis, then I can only wish it on others.

    At the same time, I saw the foolish gay guys my age trying to act 20 or 30, pathetically pretending to be younger than they were, all that nonsense. I was mid-40s and later 50s and stayed what I was, and preferred to date guys in my own "price range" as I termed it.

    Best time of my single life, guys were falling into my arms. Not because of my own charms, but because other guys my age were being passed over by their contemporaries in favor of the young things. It was like shooting ducks in a barrel, as the saying goes.

    They flocked to me because I was one of the few games in town. I never had so much sex in my life, and on a more serious level, I met some great guys who are still my friends.

    So mid-life crisis? No, it was a mid-life carnival. LOL! One of my private mottos is to "thrive where you are planted". I learned that during my many, many assignments in the Army. And it applies both to place and time. Right now I'm trying to thrive as a 60-something.

    What, you think I would allow myself to be miserable because of my age? Think again. Same with you "kids" who are half my age. Thrive where you're planted, because in terms of age, that's where you are, like it or not. icon_biggrin.gif

  • Unnamed6

    Posts: 1134

    Nov 04, 2015 3:05 PM GMT
    FuzzyPecs27 said
    tj85016 said
    Nakedman1969 saidI'm 45 so I guess I haven't had mine yet. Or I just don't know what it is.


    it's when you buy a Miata and try to pick up 21 year old twinks in a bar - it's really disturbing to watch


    In that case then, every gay white guy who is coming onto me is having a midlife crisis lol. Everytime I go out, some guy who turns out to be 40 or so is trying to get at me...only to find out their boyfriend is around the corner. Seems like guys actually become men and more ballsy when they have a boyfriend to fall back on. Bunch of bullcrap.

    I'm just really over the gay scene where I live, but it also speaks for many gay scenes. I know it sounds cliched and trite, but part of what I can't stand is these guys in their late 30s and 40s coming onto me, and then one had the nerve to say he's looking for someone closer to his age....when HE was the one who hit me up first and was asking me out. Then, one day he says he's not looking to get married, the next week talking about compatability and common stuff. Thats how most gay guys are, they will turn on you at the drop of a fucking dime.

    It just seems like most gay guys are petty, insecure or full of themselves. And it's stupid that their bullshit would affect me, but after awhile and a cumulation of the crap, it starts to affect my outlook on life and whether I'm even happy being a gay man, living a gay lifestyle period. This whole existence is built on temporary and in the moment. Even when I listen to the stories of my friends, it's all the same thing. And even my friends aren't really my friends. They do things all the time that hurt and confuse me, I don't even want them around, and will make sure that come the holidays...non of them WONT be around me. I'll be with my family and my Orlando boyfriend.

    I'm not throwing in the towel, but just letting people know where I'm coming from and why


    You and others have a nature (or personality) in which limits your capacity for happiness and ultimate success at things. In fact, this nature actively undermines whatever you get yourself into. If this nature was magically eliminated, expect that you and the others around you, would be happy, and happy in whatever failure, situation or circumstance you are in. Otherwise, expect a 0% percent chance of being successful at anything that requires a long term commitment.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 04, 2015 3:13 PM GMT
    its not like the concept is complex;
    -your the same person you were in kindergarten, is the same person graduating from college, is the same person getting married, the same boy experiencing your parents death. All the same person.
    -every day is the same length, when its your time your gone. Everything linear.

    -your biggest investment is your self and the people that hold you hostage in a relationship.
    -Love your self to the extreme. Treat people just a little better than your self. Respect is a legal requirement and should be constant. Expect the same back or leave.
    -the guy with the least regrets in life wins


    self reflection is not a crisis, but a gift. Buy a fast car, sportbike, have a relationship with the man or lady you would never consider before. Superficial junk and the cost of doing business.