Money issue with my bf

  • slowprogress

    Posts: 38

    Nov 05, 2015 5:40 AM GMT
    I never thought I'd date someone who isn't around my age or maturity because I want a relationship between equals growing together, rather than have to mentor someone or be mentored. But now that I've found myself dating a much younger guy for the past few months, our financial disparity is cramping my style, and his.

    We joke about me "sugaring" him, but in practice I haven't actually done that, at least not much more than the number of times he paid for us, and we generally split the bill. One night, after I laughed off what I thought was a joking request for me to buy him an extra phone charger for the weekends spent at my place, he got passive aggressive minutes later, and when I pressed him, he revealed his frustration that our dating has been taking a toll on his finances, that I haven't recognized his situation as a broke student, and wouldn't do such a little thing for him.

    Of course, the phone charger is nothing in the grand scheme of things, and the only reason I assumed it's his task is because I don't pay attention to what phone he has, much less what gadget he needs "oh it's a iphone5? ok no problem!" Really I rather buy him a useless giant stuff animal from the fair than buy him mundane shit.

    But the overall expectation that I should be the "generous" one bothers me. He's still young and part of me can't help but worry if he loves me for me, or more for the idea of having a boyfriend and stability. This makes me want to hold off on the generosity until the basic foundations of our relationship is on solid ground. I really don't want to be his daddy...
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Nov 05, 2015 8:33 AM GMT
    This is something that can happen when there is a age difference. Unless the younger guy has a decent-great job, it's inevitable that we won't be as financially stable (scraping by). Personally, if I ever got with an older, established guy, I wouldn't force him or expect him to pay for everything.

    I wish I could offer some sort of advice. I think that you should reevaluate the relationship and think hard if this guy had been treating you as a sugar daddy and if so, either talk to him about it or break it off and try to find a guy who's at the same financial level as yourself.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 05, 2015 9:07 AM GMT
    I think you need to be a bit more sensitive about things but talk it through properly with him.

    I dated someone when I was a student who had a lot of disposable income. I didn't expect him to pay for everything at all, but I would spend a certain amount of money on a train ticket to go and see him and then he would pay for dinner, whatever we were doing on a night out etc. So although what I was spending was a lot less, it felt like equal contribution because as a percentage of what we had available, it probably was.

    Having said that, I still ended up in some financial difficulty and had to ask my parents for more money! So it wasn't quite right still, though if we had stayed together longer we would probably have struck the right balance eventually - you don't want the poorer partner to feel they have no money for anything outside of the relationship and you don't want the richer one to feel like they are being sponged off! It's tricky for sure.
  • Ookami

    Posts: 76

    Nov 05, 2015 9:14 AM GMT
    Well... My most loved ex bf was older than me but very much broke. I still love him.

    Since he couldn't live the life I had at that days we... We created a "new life"...

    Look for things that don't involve money.

    I only buy him some stuff, like games to play together or a drink now and then. But... Like being with someone for drinks and a couple of games... I really believe he loved me. But well... We break up for not understanding each other... Different backgrounds, different desired future.

    So yeah, walkies, movies, chatting, playing a game, sports together (Never had luck with VS sports and bfs, it ends bad always for me)
    You can go to a lot of places and maybe you have to bring the car and pay the car needs to drive you guys around, but... I don't think it is bad.
    Just focus on developing a relationship and you'll see what each other wants :3
    Good luck!
  • transient

    Posts: 198

    Nov 05, 2015 11:52 AM GMT
    Just a few quick things......

    Do you see a long term future?
    Think what his sallery will be after he finnishes his education.....he wont always be a student.

    If you plan your life with someone, over a long period the financial dynamic can&will change.

    You will be the older partner, maybe on a pension whilst his carear takes if?

    I spent most of my last relationship financialy contributing more.....untill the last few years.
    The last few years my partner marginaly contributed more&for this he felt i was taking advantage.

    When i reminded him of my past generosity, his answer was thats in the past".

    He was unable to reflect that the financial dynamic would flip-flop over time.

    We are in the process of seperation.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 05, 2015 12:53 PM GMT
    This is an interesting topic for me. A guy, mid-twenties, is interested in pursuing a relationship with me, and I him. As I'm 57 and "semi-retired on a pension (semi-retired meaning I am retired but too effing young to be called a retiree and still figuring out what I want to do) and he is about to finish up a nursing degree and works, too.

    While I am doing pretty well financially, I wouldn't say I'm rich. I certainly expect to cover most, if not all of the dating expenses for the most part, at least until he is able/willing to share more. Some of the times we've been together he has asked for gas money and reluctantly given some. I can't help but think I don't want to be a "sugar-daddy" but do want to do right by him.

    I was widowed awhile back and came out earlier this year after suppressing my sexuality for >40 years. A long story which I won't get into here. I have three adult children, all older than my friend.

    I need to see it from his point of view, too. I'm looking for advice and/or comments from you younger guys or older guys in this type of situation. I appreciate it!

  • LuisG_82

    Posts: 37

    Nov 05, 2015 1:55 PM GMT
    if you joked (complained) about buying something, is because you dont feel good doing that. I think it is a read light in the relationship

    Use this opportunity to talk with him and share what do you think about this money problem.

    I know how do u feel, I was in similar situation with a guy who was in a different financial situation than me. I didnt care about buying, paying things when we were out, or even some time instead of going to the places I wanted to go, we were going to places he were able to pay.

    Until once, he asked for money because he didnt had enough for paying the rent. I give him the money. Next month instead of giving my money back, he got a new phone, which was much better than my own phone!!!!!. It was the last time I give him some money. Some weeks later I realize that I didnt wanted to deal with that situation all the time.

    The point here, he has to be congruent with the things he said, and he is doing, If his priority is to buy a cell, than buy food, or rent, then you can interpolate this to his life.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 05, 2015 2:08 PM GMT
    Your profile says you're 27 year old. You say your boyfriend is "much younger." How much younger? 18? 20? 21? In school? Of course he's not going to have much money.

    I dated a MUCH younger guy. He was visiting this country and didn't have much money. I enjoyed his company and wanted to be with him so guess what? I paid for most of our dates. I had the resources and I wanted to be with him. I didn't resent it one bit.

    You're cheap. Do the guy a favor and stop seeing him.
  • 24hourguy

    Posts: 364

    Nov 05, 2015 2:18 PM GMT
    "love" is not always enough, and dating is expensive. Sounds like you know what you're getting into....you just need to make a decision if this is a path that you really want to be on. -I wouldn't, but I'm not the one getting it from a college-stud either
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 05, 2015 4:12 PM GMT
    I'm seeing someone that's 11 years older than I am, has a great job, a house, plus two daughters and one is in college that he's supporting. I'm in my 30's, in grad school and not working. I have no expectations that he'll pay for anything. I have money saved up and I get financial support from my parents. (Of course, I'm more mature than someone in their 20's.)

    I think time will tell whether he's after you, for you or because of stability. With that being said, why can't the stability be a part of why someone finds you attractive? They might see the qualities that it takes to achieve said stability--intelligence, determination, maturity. Those can be attractive.

    If you're worried about being a "daddy", then why don't you find someone in your age range to date with stability of their own?
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    Nov 05, 2015 4:22 PM GMT
    date a much younger guy if you must; with no money, no experience, just left home and you will experience big random gapes in life skills. The knowledge and the experiences are just not there. really not there. smooth over the rough road and smile.

    what will you guys do when he is done with school?

    didnt the OP post the thread: "How Can I Lower My Standards"
  • Midas426

    Posts: 965

    Nov 05, 2015 4:58 PM GMT
    This is definitely an interesting topic and not one with an easy solution. My current partner that I've been dating for well over a year is 8 years older and makes 2/3 less than myself. He does pay his bills but he does struggle at times when it comes to discretionary income.

    I accept that when we go to nicer restaurants for example, that I'll foot the bill. On an aside my partner is white and in some restaurants I've encountered servers that defer to him and barely acknowledge me. It's hilarious at bill time when they realize I'm the one that's paying.

    But anyway to my partner's credit, he does pay for the smaller things and whenever I visit him he'll cook for me and do other things to make me feel worthy. I don't feel like he's trying to take advantage of the situation. He's never asked me for help in paying bills and prides himself on taking care of his affairs.

    It's such a tough dance though.
  • highforthis

    Posts: 680

    Nov 05, 2015 5:03 PM GMT
    UndercoverMan saidYour profile says you're 27 year old. You say your boyfriend is "much younger." How much younger? 18? 20? 21? In school? Of course he's not going to have much money.

    I dated a MUCH younger guy. He was visiting this country and didn't have much money. I enjoyed his company and wanted to be with him so guess what? I paid for most of our dates. I had the resources and I wanted to be with him. I didn't resent it one bit.

    You're cheap. Do the guy a favor and stop seeing him.


    You're at least twice OP's age and have far more resources to sugar your foreign "boyfriends". His aspirations for a normative equal relationship is reasonable
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Nov 05, 2015 5:50 PM GMT
    Finances for any couple are tricky. Inevitably one earns more than the other, one has more stability of income than the other, one wants to live a more lavish lifestyle, one prefers to save, etc. It sounds like the guy is trying to pull his own weight as best he can and you're worrying if he's using you for your money. Sounds like you don't have much if a phone plug rises to the level of sugar. Yes, you're being cheap.

    I covered most expenses when my guy (of 8+ years now) was struggling. A big chunk of it was simply paying the bills for the lifestyle I had before we even met. The additional expense of covering him was easily affordable. I was happy to do it because I loved him and loved doing things with him. Now that he's more established in his profession, he's covering me in situations that seem logical. He travels to a lot of pretty exotic spots in his work and if he sees a way to bring me along, he just incorporates my expenses into the job. Even makes it a condition of employment sometimes. And we get to be together exploring. We both are doing the best we can for both ourselves and the other and the "us."

    I know a couple of older lesbians who've been together 12-14 years. They split expenses down the middle and always have. But one just got played off and decided to retire early. The other just picked up the slack and began covering household expenses. No prob.

    If ya love, these things can be worked out. But being paranoid and cheap will kill any relationship. Let yourself love.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 871

    Nov 05, 2015 6:17 PM GMT
    A good thing here would be to show some emotional intelligence or at least some interest in the life of your boyfriend. Say, a dude is a bit of a struggling college student, and you are a reasonably successful professional guys with corresponding income. I am NOT suggesting that you should foot all the bills, cover all the expenses, and give him a USD 3Mio Amex to go shopping with.

    But you can sit around the kitchen table, and talk about the financial challenges you are facing together as a dating couple. You are intimate enough with each other for that. If the student dude is traveling to see you, paying for transportation, etc., and you are covering the meals, and entertainment, agree that this (or a degree of this) is a fair sharing arrangement that effectively helps to maintain your dating relationship functioning. He needs to know what is his bit to shoulder, and you need to know what's up to you to cover.

    When you come to think about it, the only real advantage of having an upper range income is your ability NOT to sweat the small stuff. Sure, I can easily afford to spend a couple of thousand dollars for a pair or pants. I am only wondering how would I benefit from it? I can also afford to have 4 dinners at a very fancy restaurant tonight. I doubt that my health or my well-being will benefit from my eating two steaks and two lobsters while drinking four bottles of wine?

    Hence, evolve to draw a clear line between minor acts of endearment that would involve largely insignificant expenditure, and being involuntarily drawn into the role of a sugar daddy that you do not wish to embrace at this time.

    SC

  • NealJohn

    Posts: 184

    Nov 05, 2015 7:13 PM GMT
    aloneintheworld saidI never thought I'd date someone who isn't around my age or maturity because I want a relationship between equals growing together, rather than have to mentor someone or be mentored. But now that I've found myself dating a much younger guy for the past few months, our financial disparity is cramping my style, and his.

    We joke about me "sugaring" him, but in practice I haven't actually done that, at least not much more than the number of times he paid for us, and we generally split the bill. One night, after I laughed off what I thought was a joking request for me to buy him an extra phone charger for the weekends spent at my place, he got passive aggressive minutes later, and when I pressed him, he revealed his frustration that our dating has been taking a toll on his finances, that I haven't recognized his situation as a broke student, and wouldn't do such a little thing for him.

    Of course, the phone charger is nothing in the grand scheme of things, and the only reason I assumed it's his task is because I don't pay attention to what phone he has, much less what gadget he needs "oh it's a iphone5? ok no problem!" Really I rather buy him a useless giant stuff animal from the fair than buy him mundane shit.

    But the overall expectation that I should be the "generous" one bothers me. He's still young and part of me can't help but worry if he loves me for me, or more for the idea of having a boyfriend and stability. This makes me want to hold off on the generosity until the basic foundations of our relationship is on solid ground. I really don't want to be his daddy...



    You're dating a student and students tend not to be financially secure. This is a choice you made going into it, as for feeling like a sugar daddy that is completely your own conscience. Maybe you should try dating somebody at your level in life if you want to feel like an equal
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 05, 2015 7:28 PM GMT
    An iPhone charger is less than $10. I get that you don't want to feel like a sugar daddy, but spending $10 won't make you one. In fact, NOT spending $10 on your beau makes you a tragic cheapskate.

    It's really not about sugar daddy, about principle, about finances. It's about the fact you broadcast to your boyfriend that he's not worth $10 to you.
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    Nov 05, 2015 10:48 PM GMT
    highforthis said
    UndercoverMan saidYour profile says you're 27 year old. You say your boyfriend is "much younger." How much younger? 18? 20? 21? In school? Of course he's not going to have much money.

    I dated a MUCH younger guy. He was visiting this country and didn't have much money. I enjoyed his company and wanted to be with him so guess what? I paid for most of our dates. I had the resources and I wanted to be with him. I didn't resent it one bit.

    You're cheap. Do the guy a favor and stop seeing him.


    You're at least twice OP's age and have far more resources to sugar your foreign "boyfriends". His aspirations for a normative equal relationship is reasonable


    Then my advice still stands. I'm sorry but he comes across as cheap. He needs to do the guy a favor and stop seeing him.

    Oh, and if someone is looking for a sugar daddy they'd do a lot better to look to someone who makes a lot more money than me. I'm "sugaring" no one. I'm sharing.
  • whytehot

    Posts: 1165

    Nov 06, 2015 12:19 AM GMT
    UndercoverMan saidI'm "sugaring" no one. I'm sharing.



    And she's not fat; just full figured icon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gif


    Generous arrangements with visitors from other countries isn't dating lol.


    OP should simply tell his bf how he feels, that he needs more time to be sure of the relationship before pouring in what little money a 27 year old has.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 06, 2015 12:23 AM GMT
    ^ we're married now, asshole. I'm pretty sure we were dating.
  • whytehot

    Posts: 1165

    Nov 06, 2015 12:25 AM GMT
    UndercoverMan said^ we're married now, asshole. I'm pretty sure we were dating.


    Green card!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 06, 2015 1:46 AM GMT
    If you talk to any marriage counselor, they will tell you that money is the number one thing people argue over.....regardless of age. One of the reasons my boyfriend and I stayed together for 13 years is that we each paid our own way. When we first met I made less than half what he made. Now it's the complete opposite but throughout all the income fluctuations, we both understood we were responsible for ourselves. And yes, I admit that in the earlier years when I was the one who was broke, I was resentful at times that he rarely offered to pay my way. Looking back I'm glad he didn't because it made me work harder to catch up.

    Negative feelings that are bound to pop up when one person is paying more than the other:

    GUY WHO PAYS MORE

    • Feelings of being used and taken advantage of
    • Never knowing if they are liked because of who they are or their money
    • Feelings of obligation to take care of the other person
    • Resentment

    GUY WHO PAYS LESS

    • Low self esteem because they don't pay their share
    • Entitlement
    • Dependency
    • Apathy
    • Resentment

    If you'll notice, both people end up with the same feelings on the lists.....resentment. And once resentment sets in, sexual feelings quickly fade away and many people end up cheating at this point.
  • Dominican_Gen...

    Posts: 379

    Nov 06, 2015 4:07 AM GMT
    [quote]And once resentment sets in, sexual feelings quickly fade away [/quote]

    SOOOOO true icon_exclaim.gificon_exclaim.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 06, 2015 11:40 PM GMT
    If you're broke, you shouldn't be dating. Every adult should be able to take care of themselves. The more successful partner has absolutely no responsibility to pay for anything. If they do, it should be purely out of want by them.

    If you're young and looking for handouts while dating, become an escort.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 07, 2015 1:42 AM GMT
    If you can afford it (you don't really give very much information about your income or lifestyle), and he's a poor student, you really ought to pay for all your dating activities (except for his ticket to a movie). He has no money, and you do.

    OR stop dating him, and date only guys that have as much money as you do.

    BTW, you can't be a "sugar daddy" if you aren't paying towards his apartment rent (or giving him expensive jewelry.). Buying dinners or weekends on the Island don't qualify.