So much happier not seeking out other gay people

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    Nov 05, 2015 8:46 AM GMT
    Outside realjock, and a gay meditationeet up group, I'm no longer purposefully seeking out gay men for sex, friendship, or dating. I am finally happy and excited about life again. Yes their are many obstacles in my way but life is so wonderful and full of interesting people, places, things and ideas. Looking back on my life the other time I felt so much despair for so long was when I came out at 15 and made many "gay" friends. Of course I was always too fat, too black, to religious, too... I never connected the dots that trying to be around other gay men usually makes me very self conscious and unhappy. I'm happy with the the one gay friend I've made and the one bi one. Outside of that the gay community has done me more ill than good. To leave this on a positive note. Disregarding the gay community, specifically the black gay community, of Houston, this is a really wonderful city with a lot to offer. Its not perfect. I think I can grow to love calling this city home.
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    Nov 05, 2015 9:11 AM GMT
    Seek out people you connect with, who make you feel good and who you can reciprocate with, regardless of who they have sex with.
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    Nov 05, 2015 3:06 PM GMT
    PulseFit saidSeek out people you connect with, who make you feel good and who you can reciprocate with, regardless of who they have sex with.


    Thanks, I guess
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    Nov 05, 2015 3:21 PM GMT
    *cue the violins*
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    Nov 05, 2015 3:28 PM GMT
    CODY4U said*cue the violins*


    I'm confused, why play the violin for someone who is happy. I'd like to request the guitar, or maybe the piano after I've warmed up my voice this morning.
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    Nov 05, 2015 3:30 PM GMT
    I can certainly relate, but honestly I don't consider sexual orientation any more of a factor than skin color or attractiveness when choosing friends. However, almost all of my friends are heterosexual males. I don't choose it to be that way but that's just who I naturally click the best with. The few gay friends I have are always either resentful that I won't have sex with them or refuse to be friends with me because I'm "not their type"......and yes, even for platonic friendships, which I will never understand.

    It seems everything must revolve around sex and gay bars with gay men. I have rarely met gay men who are friends who haven't slept together at some point.
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    Nov 05, 2015 3:53 PM GMT
    MrFuscle said
    CODY4U said*cue the violins*


    I'm confused, why play the violin for someone who is happy. I'd like to request the guitar, or maybe the piano after I've warmed up my voice this morning.


    There's quite a bit of resentment in your post. I've read enough "I'm done with the gay community, but I want to let you guys know why before I make my melodramatic exit" threads to know what this is about.
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    Nov 05, 2015 4:11 PM GMT
    CODY4U said
    MrFuscle said
    CODY4U said*cue the violins*


    I'm confused, why play the violin for someone who is happy. I'd like to request the guitar, or maybe the piano after I've warmed up my voice this morning.


    There's quite a bit of resentment in your post. I've read enough "I'm done with the gay community, but I want to let you guys know why before I make my melodramatic exit" threads to know what this is about.


    You are correct. I am resentful. I'm resentful that so many gay men tie dating and friendship to sex. I'm resentful that after loosing 96 pounds gay men started treating me with respect and kindness. After I injured myself and gained 30 pounds back, almost all of those gay men went back to treating me like a pariah. If you have a problem with that resentfulness that's your problem. My one gay friend is actually happy for me. His happiness for me is more important than your judgment of me. However I've made it clear in the thread that I'm not leaving realjock. Your exit remark is unfounded. I'm simply going back to investing in the things that bring me happiness, joy, and support. The gay community on a whole has not done that. It seems the gay community on a whole will not do that unless sex is made an option. That kind of thinking always makes me unhappy. So I'm doing what's best for me. On a happy note, I'm really enjoying my new roommate. He's a straight power lifter who was drawn to my post looking for a workout partner because I made it clear I was feminine. Apparently his sister is a lesbian and he and his wife have always had an affinity for gay people. I was unnerved at first but then I realized there is no point in judging what makes another person happy if that person isn't hurting anyone.
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    Nov 05, 2015 4:57 PM GMT
    Radd saidI can certainly relate, but honestly I don't consider sexual orientation any more of a factor than skin color or attractiveness when choosing friends. However, almost all of my friends are heterosexual males. I don't choose it to be that way but that's just who I naturally click the best with. The few gay friends I have are always either resentful that I won't have sex with them or refuse to be friends with me because I'm "not their type"......and yes, even for platonic friendships, which I will never understand.

    It seems everything must revolve around sex and gay bars with gay men. I have rarely met gay men who are friends who haven't slept together at some point.


    I've thanked my old roommate many times for not coming on to me. I was starting to doubt myself because so many gay men told me I was wrong for not wanting to sleep with my fiends. Its just who I am and I have the right to set that boundary.
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    Nov 05, 2015 5:20 PM GMT
    there is a need to compartmentalize your friends to match each others needs. A fwb situation will not likely be of much help on a car project.
  • SilverRRCloud

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    Nov 05, 2015 5:45 PM GMT
    You meet someone who becomes your 'friend' in an exclusively gay environment. Fine. What really makes him your friend is the common ground, you two share - being gay. The logic dictates that your 'friendship' will, at least in the beginning, revolve around your sexual orientation, dating, mating, hooking up, etc. How can it be any different? Why should it be any different?

    You meet a guy who works for the same company or works in the same line of business for, say, a different organization. You and he discover that both of you are gay. Not than much changes. Your common ground and the real source of your friendship both rest with your professional activity. You may or may not get sexual, which is neither here nor there. What keeps your friendship going is the professional content you guys share.

    It hardly makes any sense to go meeting gay guys in an exclusively gay environment or professional guys in a largely professional environment to discover that the content of your friendship is either sex or work respectively. Sure, things may or may not evolve from their origins away to more complex, and possibly more satisfying friendships and relationships in general. But this evolution cannot really be taken for granted.

    SC

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    Nov 05, 2015 6:23 PM GMT
    SilverRRCloud saidYou meet someone who becomes your 'friend' in an exclusively gay environment. Fine. What really makes him your friend is the common ground, you two share - being gay. The logic dictates that your 'friendship' will, at least in the beginning, revolve around your sexual orientation, dating, mating, hooking up, etc. How can it be any different? Why should it be any different?

    You meet a guy who works for the same company or works in the same line of business for, say, a different organization. You and he discover that both of you are gay. Not than much changes. Your common ground and the real source of your friendship both rest with your professional activity. You may or may not get sexual, which is neither here nor there. What keeps your friendship going is the professional content you guys share.

    It hardly makes any sense to go meeting gay guys in an exclusively gay environment or professional guys in a largely professional environment to discover that the content of your friendship is either sex or work respectively. Sure, things may or may not evolve from their origins away to more complex, and possibly more satisfying friendships and relationships in general. But this evolution cannot really be taken for granted.

    SC



    We can always agree to disagree. I've never had a problem with guys wanting to have sex with me. What I do have a problem with is men not stating that up front. Hanging out with me with the sole purpose of having sex with me without stating that you want to have sex with me is a problem. Assuming that because I met you in a gay place and am being nice to you means I want to have sex with you is a problem. I actually met my former roommate on A4A. Sex was never apart of the deal. Meeting more gay men like him would have been awesome. Your analogy falls very flat on its face. I've made it very clear that it is the expectation of sex that is the problem. Your analogy would make more sense if you said it should be expected that meeting people in a work environment means you should expect that they want to work directly with you. You can meet someone in a work environment get along, talk about work but never work on the same project and have no desire to. You can meet gay men in a gay environment talk about life, love, sex, politics and have no desire to have sex. I talk about sex with my straight friends. It doesn't mean I want to have sex with them or them with me. The problem I have with the gay community is that sex is viewed as the default glue that holds everything together. If I have to have sex with you in order to earn your friendship we were never just friends to begin with.

    On a positive note my old roommate and friend shows that its possible to make q friend in the gay community who doesn't assume sex is a given or is necessary.
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    Nov 05, 2015 6:27 PM GMT
    pellaz saidthere is a need to compartmentalize your friends to match each others needs. A fwb situation will not likely be of much help on a car project.


    This is pretty much what I mean. Its not helpful. I also don't want to assume that the reason a friend is helping me is because he assumes I will have sex with him afterwards. Imagine if we treated family members the same way.
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    Nov 06, 2015 1:36 AM GMT
    It's sad that most gay men would not be friends with you unless they're physically attracted to you.
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    Nov 06, 2015 3:01 PM GMT
    JacksWastedLife saidIt's sad that most gay men would not be friends with you unless they're physically attracted to you.



    Yes, but it's very very true.
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    Nov 06, 2015 3:12 PM GMT
    JacksWastedLife saidIt's sad that most gay men would not be friends with you unless they're physically attracted to you.
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    Nov 06, 2015 3:22 PM GMT
    JacksWastedLife saidIt's sad that most gay men would not be friends with you unless they're physically attracted to you.


    conversely, does that mean most of our gay friends are physically attracted to us?
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    Nov 06, 2015 3:24 PM GMT
    JacksWastedLife saidIt's sad that most gay men would not be friends with you unless they're physically attracted to you.

    I would. If you hang out with ugly guys then when a hot guy comes along you're automatically first choice.
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    Nov 07, 2015 7:54 PM GMT
    CODY4U said
    JacksWastedLife saidIt's sad that most gay men would not be friends with you unless they're physically attracted to you.


    conversely, does that mean most of our gay friends are physically attracted to us?

    Possibly. But obviously you guys didn't click sexually/emotionally. So you're now both friendzoned.

    Browse profiles on here, FB, etc where the guy is dating or in a relationship. You'll notice that the guy's friends have similar looks/traits as the guy he's currently dating.