Literally stuck between a rock and a hard place. Gay community, help me please!

  • htblklkg2

    Posts: 2

    Nov 06, 2015 9:56 PM GMT
    OK, here's the deal. I just celebrated my 15th anniversary with my partner. I love him with all of my heart, but I have to get out of this relationship. There are many reasons, but here are the main ones:

    Finances: He doesn't work, has a history of not working, and probably won't work. I'm a working professional, and I can't help but feel that he's holding me back.

    Compatibility: Since we've been together for so long, both of us have been on auto-pilot. We've gotten so used to our roles in the relationship (me the breadwinner, him the housewife), that being comfortable has become uncomfortable. Oh, did I mention he's 14 years my senior!

    I've written lists, talked to friends, visited a counselor, take medication, and for some reason, I just can't come up with the nerve to dump him. I don't even want to use the word "dump", just seperate.

    It's to the point now, where we've had 15 years to build a life together, and it's just not happening (I was 22, he was 35 when we met). I feel like our relationship is a 80/20 type of situation - it is. The hard part now is that it's either sink or swim, and I'm not sinking. But since I've became an enabler, i can't help but feel bad for him, because I feel as though he has nowhere to go.

    The issues are too deep to go through here, but thoughts on how I should proceed. Let me also say that not only are those reasons the reason I want to break up. I also feel like I've grown so much over the last 14 years and the universe is pushing to make this happen. I guess I'm just so scared of his reaction, and hurting his feelings..
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 06, 2015 10:16 PM GMT
    I never understand why people waste time. Life is short, you have concluded this guy is not right for you, nothing else needs to be said. Talk to a lawyer, you've been together long enough that splitting up is going to be complicated and unpleasant, but do it now. I know a lot of friends who have thought and debated and discussed bad relationships and every single one of them, in the end, realized that prolonging the inevitable served no ones best interests. Pull the plug, the patient is dead, walk away and move on.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 06, 2015 10:57 PM GMT
    htblklkg2 said
    We've gotten so used to our roles in the relationship (me the breadwinner, him the housewife), that being comfortable has become uncomfortable.

    Let me sorta play devil's advocate on this point, if I may. What's wrong with him being the "housewife"? Lots of straight couples are happy with that arrangement. A classic & fair division of labor, where one spouse has the outside earning career, and the other runs their home.

    Does he do nothing at all at home? Are you saying he just loafs around all day, living off you? Well, that wouldn't be good, I'd have to agree.

    On the other hand, if you lived alone without him, would you miss what he does for you? Does he cook, clean, wash the clothes, make the bed, run errands, do the household budget, keep the house on track, do a thousand other little things at home, tasks you would have to assume yourself, on top of your professional career?

    I'm not challenging you, merely trying to understand this relationship better. There have been studies that suggest the stay-at-home wife, if paid on the open market for her domestic services, might actually earn more than her working husband! So I just wonder if that's a factor here that you're adequately taking into account.

    Of course, if he's a lazy, mooching bum. get rid of him. BTW, why does your RJ Profile say your relationship Status is Single?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 07, 2015 1:53 AM GMT
    You say there are many reasons, but list only one. If you are determined to end it, than follow smartmoney's advice and do so.

    If, however, the only reason is his lack of financial contribution, if you have the income, what difference does it make, unless he just lays around and does nothing, or your principal aspiration in life is to have lots of money?

    There are lots of relationships, gay and straight, where one partner earns money, and the other doesn't, and until recent years, they were the norm.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 07, 2015 2:08 AM GMT
    Well, at least you don't have to worry about him cheating on you. It seems he's probably too lazy to pull that off either.
  • Leftswiper

    Posts: 90

    Nov 07, 2015 2:56 AM GMT
    He's 14 years older and you're the breadwinner? You're doing it wrong lol.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 872

    Nov 07, 2015 4:45 AM GMT
    Art_Deco said
    htblklkg2 said
    We've gotten so used to our roles in the relationship (me the breadwinner, him the housewife), that being comfortable has become uncomfortable.

    Let me sorta play devil's advocate on this point, if I may. What's wrong with him being the "housewife"? Lots of straight couples are happy with that arrangement. A classic & fair division of labor, where one spouse has the outside earning career, and the other runs their home.

    Does he do nothing at all at home? Are you saying he just loafs around all day, living off you? Well, that wouldn't be good, I'd have to agree.

    On the other hand, if you lived alone without him, would you miss what he does for you? Does he cook, clean, wash the clothes, make the bed, run errands, do the household budget, keep the house on track, do a thousand other little things at home, tasks you would have to assume yourself, on top of your professional career?

    I'm not challenging you, merely trying to understand this relationship better. There have been studies that suggest the stay-at-home wife, if paid on the open market for her domestic services, might actually earn more than her working husband! So I just wonder if that's a factor here that you're adequately taking into account.

    Of course, if he's a lazy, mooching bum. get rid of him. BTW, why does your RJ Profile say your relationship Status is Single?


    We have all come across this somewhat classical argument over and over again. One dude goes out and works, is breadwinner, and the other dude stays home and is basically a housekeeper of sortsicon_surprised.gif. The str8 folks have been doing it forever, and no one thought this was unusual.

    First off, the str8 folks usually and mostly have kids who mostly need lots of time, attention, time, energy and money to be set on the right path. Typically, gay couples do not face this challenge.

    Second off, 'the housekeeper' spouse argument really had lots of validity in the time and age of my grandparents when making even a somewhat basic meal was an operation that took couple of hours. I still remember my parents insisting that the silverware must be absolutely spotless. No one ever thought of putting a $600-$800 fine china coffee cup into the dishwasher. Actually, my old folks allowed the dishwasher to be used only for the items that never made it to their dining table. Everything else was far too fine and expensive, and had to be carefully washed by hand. The folks whose dust sheets in their lake houses were not properly monogrammed were thought of as somewhat 'missing the beat'. If you choose to run that kind of household, you do need your partner/spouse in charge of the works, supervising the professional housekeepers, or turning himself into one, if the size of the household allows for it. So, you go and earn the little income needed to finance your somewhat elaborate household, and the other dude takes care of the rest. Fair enough.

    I somehow doubt that many folks gay or str8 live in this mostly late 19th and early 20th century world of grand bourgeoisie in this time and age. Typically, both dudes work and are breadwinners. And they, too, share a burden of housework in our present day, largely very simplified households, too. Income permitting, a housekeeper comes in once a week, and the life goes on.

    A spouse/LTR partner dedicated to being a housekeeper also made a lot of sense in an age where social entertainment invariably included hosting elaborate lunches, brunches, high teas and dinners. The pre-internet, Netflix, home cinema, media room, etc., guys had few entertainment options. A wife who was entrusted with making such elaborate arrangements a success was a genuine asset. I am afraid that very few people do really entertain on such a grand style at their homes on a regular basis these days. And if they choose to do so, a professional caterer is likely to take over anyway...

    ---
    When all's said and done, you have either inherited a trust that will see you through to the end of your days, so you can stay home and watch TV all day long if this is what you call fun, or you have got to get going, and place some food on the kitchen table. As simple as this...

    SC
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Nov 07, 2015 6:09 AM GMT
    You indicate, "I was 22, he was 35 when we met" ... so that now makes you 37 and him 50 ... Are you sure you are not just getting tired of his OLD ass? Let's face it, by 50 these bodies start breaking down and falling apart. Who let's someone leach off of them for 15 years? No, I think obviously at one time you were very happy with him taking care of the house and cooking your meals, and doing your laundry and working part-time here and there, but now you're thinking, damn he's getting old.

    If it was the work, I think somewhere in the 15 years you would told him he needed to get job, or if he lacked education, you would have encouraged him to take some training or school or you would have dumped him. Now that he's so old, that his only source of employment is probably a Wal-Mart greeter, you want to ditch him. Nice!

    Perhaps karma has caught up with both of you. The way you talk, you never even loved him, so why did you ever stay with him? How could he have been that manipulative? How could you have been that naive for so long? So well, now here you find yourself 15 years later, also on the verge of being too old for another relationship, but still maybe some possibility still exists. And maybe you can find someone who'll contribute to buying a house, a nicer car and a big screen tv.

    Well, you are both grown men and you both should have known better. You, staying with someone you were not in love with and him not planning for his own future welfare ... or maybe you were his plan. Yes, unfortunately there are guys out there that have no problem living off of others, but in the long run they reap what they sow.

    Just tell him the relationship is not working for your any more and you feel you are being smothered and you feel like you want to find your own way in life and you want to split up. And once you do, don't go back to him or have second thoughts of getting back with him, because that would just be cruel. Good luck.

    edit:
    Your best move is to do the moving out (unless you bought a house) and leave him with everything and to start fresh and new. That way you are not placing the bigger burden on him. If you are renting you will have to remove your name from the lease and he will have to take care of his own rent. You might offer to help him out for a set period of time to give him time to get a job and start paying his own way. Keep to the schedule. If you guys got married legally ... well ... you're going to have to see a lawyer.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 07, 2015 1:07 PM GMT
    htblklkg2 saidOK, here's the deal. ... and the universe is pushing to make this happen...

    after 14 years i assure you the universe is NOT "pushing this to happen". Get back on your meds.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 07, 2015 1:58 PM GMT
    SilverRRCloud saidNo one ever thought of putting a $600-$800 fine china coffee cup into the dishwasher.

    I wouldn't do that TODAY! LOL! Why I avoid using really delicate tableware, or cookware, that isn't approved for the dishwasher. I HATE washing dishes by hand! Which is also why I sometimes dread a fancy dinner here, since I'm the chief bottle washer afterwards. And those huge serving platters and cooking pots that can't fit into the dishwasher anyway - UGH.

    But that's OK. His job is to be the chef, at which he's brilliant and works from the day preceding, or more, while I set the table (always an original creation, with newly-designed matching place cards, floral arrangements and such that invariably wow our friends), serve the cocktails and hors d'oeuvres, and then I clean it all up afterwards. I judge that a fair division of labor. And BTW, we both have our own incomes (actually 5 separate incomes between us), so that's never an issue with us.

    I like you also including consideration of the social obligations, which I had forgotten. Aside from the home entertaining you mention, we attend all kinds of social events together. Not that we couldn't each attend solo, but most of these things really do work better as a couple.

    And at our ages when we're back home dressing we act as each other's valet, to ensure we leave the house presentable. I wrote there's a thousand things a couple living together do for each other, and I wasn't exaggerating.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 07, 2015 1:58 PM GMT
    SilverRRCloud saidNo one ever thought of putting a $600-$800 fine china coffee cup into the dishwasher.

    I wouldn't do that TODAY! LOL! Why I avoid using really delicate tableware, or cookware, that isn't approved for the dishwasher. I HATE washing dishes by hand! Which is also why I sometimes dread a fancy dinner here, since I'm the chief bottle washer afterwards. And those huge serving platters and cooking pots that can't fit into the dishwasher anyway - UGH.

    But that's OK. His job is to be the chef, at which he's brilliant and works from the day preceding, or longer, while I set the table (always an original creation, with newly-designed matching place cards, floral arrangements and such that invariably wow our guests), serve the cocktails and hors d'oeuvres, and then I clean it all up afterwards. I judge that a fair division of labor. And BTW, we both have our own incomes (actually 5 separate incomes between us), so that's never an issue with us.

    I like you also including consideration of the social obligations, which I had forgotten. Aside from the home entertaining you mention, we attend all kinds of social events together. Not that we couldn't each attend solo, but most of these things really do work better as a couple.

    And at our ages when we're back home dressing we act as each other's valet, to ensure we leave the house presentable. I wrote there's a thousand things a couple living together do for each other, and I wasn't exaggerating.
  • FRE0

    Posts: 4864

    Nov 07, 2015 9:34 PM GMT
    htblklkg2 saidOK, here's the deal. I just celebrated my 15th anniversary with my partner. I love him with all of my heart, but I have to get out of this relationship. There are many reasons, but here are the main ones:

    Finances: He doesn't work, has a history of not working, and probably won't work. I'm a working professional, and I can't help but feel that he's holding me back.

    Compatibility: Since we've been together for so long, both of us have been on auto-pilot. We've gotten so used to our roles in the relationship (me the breadwinner, him the housewife), that being comfortable has become uncomfortable. Oh, did I mention he's 14 years my senior!

    I've written lists, talked to friends, visited a counselor, take medication, and for some reason, I just can't come up with the nerve to dump him. I don't even want to use the word "dump", just seperate.

    It's to the point now, where we've had 15 years to build a life together, and it's just not happening (I was 22, he was 35 when we met). I feel like our relationship is a 80/20 type of situation - it is. The hard part now is that it's either sink or swim, and I'm not sinking. But since I've became an enabler, i can't help but feel bad for him, because I feel as though he has nowhere to go.

    The issues are too deep to go through here, but thoughts on how I should proceed. Let me also say that not only are those reasons the reason I want to break up. I also feel like I've grown so much over the last 14 years and the universe is pushing to make this happen. I guess I'm just so scared of his reaction, and hurting his feelings..


    Depending on the law where you live, since you have apparently been his sole financial support, you may have to pay him alimony of you split. In any case, since he has not worked for years, it may actually be impossible at his age to find a job that pays enough to support him. It's hard to understand why he permitted himself to get into that dependency situation.
  • FRE0

    Posts: 4864

    Nov 07, 2015 9:42 PM GMT
    Art_Deco said
    SilverRRCloud saidNo one ever thought of putting a $600-$800 fine china coffee cup into the dishwasher.

    I wouldn't do that TODAY! LOL! Why I avoid using really delicate tableware, or cookware, that isn't approved for the dishwasher. I HATE washing dishes by hand! Which is also why I sometimes dread a fancy dinner here, since I'm the chief bottle washer afterwards. And those huge serving platters and cooking pots that can't fit into the dishwasher anyway - UGH.

    But that's OK. His job is to be the chef, at which he's brilliant and works from the day preceding, or more, while I set the table (always an original creation, with newly-designed matching place cards, floral arrangements and such that invariably wow our friends), serve the cocktails and hors d'oeuvres, and then I clean it all up afterwards. I judge that a fair division of labor. And BTW, we both have our own incomes (actually 5 separate incomes between us), so that's never an issue with us.

    I like you also including consideration of the social obligations, which I had forgotten. Aside from the home entertaining you mention, we attend all kinds of social events together. Not that we couldn't each attend solo, but most of these things really do work better as a couple.

    And at our ages when we're back home dressing we act as each other's valet, to ensure we leave the house presentable. I wrote there's a thousand things a couple living together do for each other, and I wasn't exaggerating.


    So like Hyacinth you have fancy candlelight dinners.
  • Oceans_of_Flo...

    Posts: 393

    Nov 07, 2015 10:09 PM GMT

    I have a knack for picking the right men ... ones who know me enough to know that if it has to end, i'll respond in kind and adapt, but I don't want to hear of it. Actions speak louder than words and an unreturned kiss or a passionless embrace can say more to communicate the end than words, but won't engrave themselves into the person's memories. The indifference it'll take to end it now, will fade and all that will remain, for him, after the pain stops, is the memory of your genuine feelings. However, if you tell him like it is, you'll just start an echo that'll halt his recovery once you're gone. You can't say it anyway. So start the gears of separation, he knows why; he's probably half expecting it and has somewhat of a plan. No more talking - he's said a lot over the years with his mouth closed. It's your turn.



  • TheAlchemixt

    Posts: 2294

    Nov 08, 2015 3:41 AM GMT
    If you're not happy then move on. You're only holding yourself back, not him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 08, 2015 2:11 PM GMT
    htblklkg2 saidOK, here's the deal. I just celebrated my 15th anniversary with my partner. I love him with all of my heart, but I have to get out of this relationship. There are many reasons, but here are the main ones:

    Finances: He doesn't work, has a history of not working, and probably won't work. I'm a working professional, and I can't help but feel that he's holding me back.

    Compatibility: Since we've been together for so long, both of us have been on auto-pilot. We've gotten so used to our roles in the relationship (me the breadwinner, him the housewife), that being comfortable has become uncomfortable. Oh, did I mention he's 14 years my senior!

    I've written lists, talked to friends, visited a counselor, take medication, and for some reason, I just can't come up with the nerve to dump him. I don't even want to use the word "dump", just seperate.

    It's to the point now, where we've had 15 years to build a life together, and it's just not happening (I was 22, he was 35 when we met). I feel like our relationship is a 80/20 type of situation - it is. The hard part now is that it's either sink or swim, and I'm not sinking. But since I've became an enabler, i can't help but feel bad for him, because I feel as though he has nowhere to go.

    The issues are too deep to go through here, but thoughts on how I should proceed. Let me also say that not only are those reasons the reason I want to break up. I also feel like I've grown so much over the last 14 years and the universe is pushing to make this happen. I guess I'm just so scared of his reaction, and hurting his feelings..


    And that's how homophobic parents put checkmate on gay/bisexual sons.

    Don't bring a gay lover around us.
    You'll always have family longer than a gay man.
    A gay man will leave you. You'll always have family.
    You're going to give up your straight family for a gay relationship? You all do not have anything to tie you down, no biological children; and, we do not get biological grandchildren. You all do not even have employee discrimination rights in places. Stay safe in the straight world.

    = = =

    Did you even marry this man?

    If you didn't and he's not entitled to a divorce settlement, he's really getting shafted.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 08, 2015 2:12 PM GMT
    15th wedding anniversary?
    15th domestic partnership/civil union?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 08, 2015 2:19 PM GMT
    So... your profile says you're single and open to meeting men of all races. Dude, I thought you were in this 15-year relationship! I hope this poor guy knows you that you're already out and about looking for new people.

    Break up with him first! You are not coming off as the good guy in this.
  • mar0302

    Posts: 273

    Nov 09, 2015 7:33 AM GMT
    Two points.. first, if you're not happy and can't sort it out with him then get out.. and second if it's true you're saying your single on our profile, he'd be better off without you - regardless of the financial impacts..