Yeah, trouble with it for a few hours. I actually came to the realization I'm gay in a sudden revelation, all at once, after half a lifetime of denial.
And why would I want to be gay? I knew many gays were rejected in society, ridiculed, discriminated against and even arrested in parts of the US. It wasn't allowed in the US military, from which I had retired only 6 months earlier, earned you a dishonorable discharge, even jail time if you were caught in the act.
But then I said to myself: you're still the same guy you were this morning. And he's a good guy. Maybe not a great guy, but not a bad one, either. And if I'm gay, and this looks for life, then maybe those anti-gay images are wrong. And gay isn't perverted, sick, evil, damned, and all the rest of it.
I've told this story here before. I had recently learned Seattle's largest annual gay gala & dance, other than Pride, was the next night. So I promptly made reservations online (using BBS back then), and attended. I wanted to learn all I could about being gay. I rarely do things by half-measures, and this was something about which I wasn't gonna drag my feet.
I attended and it was wonderful. I've been out ever since, never had any second thoughts, no remorse, no regrets. Well, other than the regret that I'd been so stupid about myself and took too long to recognize who I was.
I celebrate the date of that gala as my official coming out, and my second birthday. I turned 20 in March.
Tough time? No, the exact opposite. I realized in retrospect the tough time instead had been living awkwardly as something I never was. Don't be afraid to be who you are. We do best when we live as the person we were born to be.