I need an advice!


  • Nov 13, 2015 4:09 PM GMT
    Hello everybody! I am glad that I found this forum so I can express my very personal problems and thoughts which are killing me.

    I am 18 years old guy living in a small town. Very soon I am going to leave my birthplace and live in the capital of my country or somewhere in Western Europe and I cant wait.

    But this spring, at the end of May, I met that guy who is 15 years older than me - he's almost 33 years old. He has relatives in the small town where I live and comes often to visit them during summer while he lives in the capital. Our date was suposed to be a one night stand, but it rasied into something very special (or at least I think so). Before I met him I was confident too, but there was always something empty in me. I was expecting my prince on a white horse so bad and I always thought that he will come without me searching him and a bit later in life..It did happen indeed, without me expecting anything BUT in a period when I am still quite dependent on my parents.

    Everything between us happened very fast - we started going nude to the beach almost every day where we were exploring ourselves and flirting. It was amazing experience. He was always saying that he found the best boy in the country and doesnt know what to do. And if I were older, he would take me with him...However it came the time when he had to leave..he bought me some expensive presents and we said goodbye. I took everything as a good experience and I was never expecting anything further. But then he started writing me everyday and I was very happy about this. He was warning me that he is a trash and that I shouldnt even write him just because he bought me something, but that didnt matter for me. Everything between us involved into a long distance relationship. The first two months he came to me often, but then he offered me to come to him in the capital (we were planning this just the second time he came to me). The only way this could happen was to lie my parents that I work in some coastal resort - and I did so. It all worked and I succesfuly lied my parents almost 2 months. I knew that I am doing very risky thing, but everything happened at the moment and I didnt think about any possible consequences.

    He has very big horse business outside the capital and I was some kind of partner to him. I helped him with the horses, he was taking me almost everywhere with himself. It was just a wonderful experience exploring the rural life as I have been always living in a town and never had a chance to see such things on a daily basis. I also had the chance to explore the night life of the big city.

    Despite everything being one very nice adventure, during that time we had quite a lot fights. He describes very often his first boyfriend which he had at the age of 25 when he was still curious. He often compares me with him and I think that he sees physical and mental similairty between me and his first boyfriend The very first time when we had a fight it was when we were just flirting and he told me he had sex with his ex boyfriend. During our whole, nearly 6 months relationship he is always trying to convince me that people who love each other don't make problems if someone is cheating. I closed my eyes for this because it happened before we were oficially together. When I went back to my town I had a trip to Italy and while I was there he told me that his ex gave him a blowjob. There was a very big fight and it happened something that happens always - he starts to blame me for something and I start to search something wrong in me. Its me who is always calling him, writing him and he always says that he has job.

    I saw him for last time before more than a month. He says that he is working hard because he has to return a lot of money to friends and at the same time he doesnt have any. And the last week we had very bad fights. First he didnt call me for hours from 20:00 till 22:00 despite him being not to work. I called him almost 30 times and at the end I send him a message "end" and he didnt answer me for a week. And during this week I was sending him messages and calling him while he ignored me. I ignored him aswell and he called me the second day. He told me that I am always in his head and that he would never cheat on me at least for now. I was again very happy until I found a way to see the profiles from his city on the dating site we met. I was almost sure that I would found him there, but I didnt. I was also sure that I will find his friend and I did. My plan was to offer him a threesome to see if he is going to offer my boyfriend but accidently I sent my pic and he told about what happened to my bf. At first he said that there is no problem that I was testing him and he told me that he will call me later because he's going to his parents. when he called me later he started saying how could I do this, tht he wants to be alone. That he doesnt need relationships. The same things he says all the time when something more uncomofrtable happens.

    He insists that I am the second person in his life that he is going to love and remember forever. He makes me much more confident, I see a huge change in myself - be it lifestyle or looks. But at the same time I am not very sure if he is not just playing with me. Last year during this period I had very deep depression and I think I am going throught the same deep depression again...

    What are your opinions? Is he taking advantage of me? I am very confused. Sorry for my broken English, I havent been practising it since very long time.
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    Nov 13, 2015 4:31 PM GMT
    Your English is fine, we can understand you, I think you've done very well.

    I hope you understand when I tell you that this guy is not good for you. He compares you to an ex, who he has sex with and brushes it off and blames you when you rightly show distress at this, and he ignores you when you want to speak to him (though calling him 30 times sounds a bit excessive). It does not sound to me like he is treating you as you should treat someone you love/care about.

    I know feelings can be really intense when it's the first relationship you have had, but I think you deserve better and you should move to your new city and try to move on from him. I don't see this having a happy ending.
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    Nov 13, 2015 4:38 PM GMT
    As my grandma says, "Well ain't y'all a mess?"

  • Nov 13, 2015 4:39 PM GMT
    PulseFit saidYour English is fine, we can understand you, I think you've done very well.

    I hope you understand when I tell you that this guy is not good for you. He compares you to an ex, who he has sex with and brushes it off and blames you when you rightly show distress at this, and he ignores you when you want to speak to him (though calling him 30 times sounds a bit excessive). It does not sound to me like he is treating you as you should treat someone you love/care about.

    I know feelings can be really intense when it's the first relationship you have had, but I think you deserve better and you should move to your new city and try to move on from him. I don't see this having a happy ending.


    He compares me to his first boyfriend. The one he cheated with is his second. I am his third bf.

    I really think of doing this big step and go away with him. Actually our plan is when I finish high school to go to the capital where he lives and study in university there.

    But we were together for less than 6 months and we already have such problems. It seems like I keep contact with him just because It became part of my lifestyle. We have typical karmic relationship...
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    Nov 13, 2015 4:51 PM GMT
    Exploringmyself said
    We have typical karmic relationship...


    Self-destructive. You aren't bringing out the best in each other - he's not treating you well and as a result you act needy and desperate, until he turns on the charm again and like a puppy you jump back into his lap.

    A relationship should bring out the best in each other, not the worst. After 6 months you should realise you are not right for each other.
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    Nov 13, 2015 4:53 PM GMT
    DefensiveEnd saidAs my grandma says, "Well ain't y'all a mess?"



    Does she also say: "Well bless your heart?"
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    Nov 13, 2015 5:13 PM GMT
    Radd said
    DefensiveEnd saidAs my grandma says, "Well ain't y'all a mess?"



    Does she also say: "Well bless your heart?"

    Only if you're ugly and/or stupid.
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    Nov 13, 2015 5:34 PM GMT
    When someone self-assesses himself as "trash," believe him. The two of you ran across each other and had a wonderful interlude, good for both of you in different ways. It helped him feel better about himself, hence the presents (representing his gratitude). He tried to end things while the affair was still a wonderful perfect memory, knowing that, if things lasted longer, his own imperfections would spoil things; but he wanted to cherish that one beautiful thing (the early stage of your relationship) in his otherwise sad life as a special mental keepsake. What happened afterwards was essentially what he knew would happen--things started unraveling due to his own weaknesses. My read on this is that, if you continue on with him, you'll spend a lot of the hopeful springtime of your life being optimistic that things will work out OK with him, only to be knocked down over and over until your optimism is gone and you end up with a bitter and mistrustful attitude towards everyone. Be happy and grateful for the something precious you shared for a while; but it's time to diversify your experience with guys. You're a thoughtful, good-looking guy, and will find someone with fewer issues who fits into your life and ethos better. Truly, it will happen, if you let it. Best of luck to you!
  • metta

    Posts: 39143

    Nov 13, 2015 5:35 PM GMT
    I think it would be better if you saved money, get enough education to start building a career, find a job where you want to live and then move out.

    Your 18 years old and dating a guy that you are fighting with a lot. The odds of that relationship working out over the long haul are not very good. Putting yourself in a situation where you are depending on him without a backup plan would be a very risky thing to do.

    Good luck!
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    Nov 13, 2015 5:55 PM GMT
    >Explorer-
    I think Thammer has made some very good comment.

    Sounds like you have a very troubled relationship. But first, I wonder, you say you are age 18, but in your profile, you say you are 21. You also say that the two of you plan for you to go to the capital (Beograd?) when you finish high school, and you would attend university there. It seems very strange that you would still be in secondary school at age 18, let alone age 21.

    I can't see that your relationship with him will ever be a happy one - He says he "wants to be alone," and that he "doesn't need relationships." He has sex with his former boyfriends. In the States, one would say that he is not "good relationship material." If it is OK with you that he has sex with other men (but you said you became very upset when you found this out), and you can ignore it, and if it is OK with you that he changes from hot to cold towards you, then you can have some kind of relationship with him. Do not expect him to change. People don't change much. So what he is now, is what he will be in the future. If it does not work out, you are young, and there will other men in your future.

  • Nov 13, 2015 6:10 PM GMT
    metta saidI think it would be better if you saved money, get enough education to start building a career, find a job where you want to live and then move out.

    Your 18 years old and dating a guy that you are fighting with a lot. The odds of that relationship working out over the long haul are not very good. Putting yourself in a situation where you are depending on him without a backup plan would be a very risky thing to do.

    Good luck!



    Thanks but I am very much aware what are the best things to do for my future. The only thing I want is love. I am not with him because of his money.

  • Nov 13, 2015 6:27 PM GMT
    THammer saidWhen someone self-assesses himself as "trash," believe him. The two of you ran across each other and had a wonderful interlude, good for both of you in different ways. It helped him feel better about himself, hence the presents (representing his gratitude). He tried to end things while the affair was still a wonderful perfect memory, knowing that, if things lasted longer, his own imperfections would spoil things; but he wanted to cherish that one beautiful thing (the early stage of your relationship) in his otherwise sad life as a special mental keepsake. What happened afterwards was essentially what he knew would happen--things started unraveling due to his own weaknesses. My read on this is that, if you continue on with him, you'll spend a lot of the hopeful springtime of your life being optimistic that things will work out OK with him, only to be knocked down over and over until your optimism is gone and you end up with a bitter and mistrustful attitude towards everyone. Be happy and grateful for the something precious you shared for a while; but it's time to diversify your experience with guys. You're a thoughtful, good-looking guy, and will find someone with fewer issues who fits into your life and ethos better. Truly, it will happen, if you let it. Best of luck to you!


    Thanks a lot, a lot! Everything you said makes so much sence. None of my friends could make a better image of him like you did.

    But I love him and in many situations I see that he is a good person. I've noticed that when he makes someone happy or just makes something good, he says that he is able to make people happy aswell. But he always tells me that the person I see is not really him and that in reallity he is cruel, cold. And I dont know if with me he shows his real personallity and he learned to represent a fake personality in front everybody his whole life. Or he fakes his personality while being with me?

  • Nov 13, 2015 6:32 PM GMT
    HikerSkier said>Explorer-
    I think Thammer has made some very good comment.

    Sounds like you have a very troubled relationship. But first, I wonder, you say you are age 18, but in your profile, you say you are 21. You also say that the two of you plan for you to go to the capital (Beograd?) when you finish high school, and you would attend university there. It seems very strange that you would still be in secondary school at age 18, let alone age 21.

    I can't see that your relationship with him will ever be a happy one - He says he "wants to be alone," and that he "doesn't need relationships." He has sex with his former boyfriends. In the States, one would say that he is not "good relationship material." If it is OK with you that he has sex with other men (but you said you became very upset when you found this out), and you can ignore it, and if it is OK with you that he changes from hot to cold towards you, then you can have some kind of relationship with him. Do not expect him to change. People don't change much. So what he is now, is what he will be in the future. If it does not work out, you are young, and there will other men in your future.


    I am 18 years old. I will later update my profile.

    The thing is that this is my first relationship. This is the first person I had more than sex with. I realize that I give so much credit to all this because of this reason.
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    Nov 13, 2015 9:04 PM GMT
    Exploringmyself said
    THammer saidWhen someone self-assesses himself as "trash," believe him. The two of you ran across each other and had a wonderful interlude, good for both of you in different ways. It helped him feel better about himself, hence the presents (representing his gratitude). He tried to end things while the affair was still a wonderful perfect memory, knowing that, if things lasted longer, his own imperfections would spoil things; but he wanted to cherish that one beautiful thing (the early stage of your relationship) in his otherwise sad life as a special mental keepsake. What happened afterwards was essentially what he knew would happen--things started unraveling due to his own weaknesses. My read on this is that, if you continue on with him, you'll spend a lot of the hopeful springtime of your life being optimistic that things will work out OK with him, only to be knocked down over and over until your optimism is gone and you end up with a bitter and mistrustful attitude towards everyone. Be happy and grateful for the something precious you shared for a while; but it's time to diversify your experience with guys. You're a thoughtful, good-looking guy, and will find someone with fewer issues who fits into your life and ethos better. Truly, it will happen, if you let it. Best of luck to you!


    Thanks a lot, a lot! Everything you said makes so much sence. None of my friends could make a better image of him like you did.

    But I love him and in many situations I see that he is a good person. I've noticed that when he makes someone happy or just makes something good, he says that he is able to make people happy aswell. But he always tells me that the person I see is not really him and that in reallity he is cruel, cold. And I dont know if with me he shows his real personallity and he learned to represent a fake personality in front everybody his whole life. Or he fakes his personality while being with me?


    Thanks!

    I have known people similar to this. With an effort, they can tap into their better, happier, nature and share it around; but it is truly an effort. They know they are weak and can't maintain it, and then default to their "cruel, cold" nature. For the ones they really care about, they make a generous attempt to protect them by trying to split up or distance themselves at some point. But then they are too weak to continue this altruism, the relationship continues though they tried to stop it, and so continued proximity brings out their weaknesses and bad points, and it's disastrous.

    People are a mixture of good and bad. He isn't exactly faking his personality with you, it's just that he gives you all he can of it, it is quickly expended, and then all he has left is the bad stuff. Yes, I can understand your loving him. People can have good and rare qualities which seem tailored to our personal preferences; and their rarity makes these qualities take on a disproportionate amount of one's attention, blocking out the dangerous aspects in the person. That's how people are! You can continue to love him . . . but at a distance, and for the good things and experiences the two of you have already shared. But, always, your first obligation is to save yourself from a toxic situation. That's not selfishness, that's just your responsibility to yourself. I know it's difficult to part from someone whom you love and who has been a special milestone in your life, very difficult indeed; but this relationship can't work out well, and you must be strong. Take care of yourself, my friend, and don't go down a dark road which has no way back.
  • mystery905

    Posts: 745

    Nov 14, 2015 5:03 AM GMT
    You are only 18 and have your whole life ahead of you. Do not settle so early in life.

    It's not a sign of love if he is ignoring you and sleeping with his ex.

    You can and will do better....
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    Nov 14, 2015 1:33 PM GMT
    Please learn to edit.
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1116

    Nov 14, 2015 2:47 PM GMT
    I have no idea why would anyone want to be in a relationship with someone who is constantly comparing them with someone else? nor why be in a relationship, where instead of helping you cope with your flaws, it makes one feel worse! get out of that relationship...NOW!