new to dating men

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 15, 2015 9:44 PM GMT
    new, as in 1 month. i met one guy online and we texted a bit but he always seems against talking in person. i finally asked him yesterday about meeting in person and he completely didn't respond. : ) i think he was mainly interested in a hookup and he knew early on that i wasn't exactly looking for that.

    another guy i met in person before we even really talked. we were really into each other and ended up making out in his car for almost an hour. i was really nervous about all of it because i felt like i might grow close to him....and i will be moving in 4 months. he seemed more relaxed about it all, but also (like me) not really looking for a hookup. then two weeks later he texts me and we meet up again and i share more with him about my difficulty accepting this part of me, to which he was very encouraging. we made out again.

    we both have busy lives and live 20miles away from each other. is there such a thing as guys who have feelings for each other but remain simply friends....as in, not developing a relationship and not getting sexually intimate? i think we have sexual attraction to each other (i do for him), but part of me is nervous broaching that territory and hurting what is already a very simple and really nice thing. i think he has his head on his shoulders well because he's not rushing into anything.

    looking for any thoughts....
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    Nov 15, 2015 10:04 PM GMT
    first, I think this is a troll account, but that aside what do you mean I will be moving in 4 months and what difficulty accepting that part of you are you talking about?
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    Nov 15, 2015 10:12 PM GMT
    i'm not a troll. why would you think that?
    by moving in 4 months i mean...that i am moving in 4 months (for my job)
    and by that part of me...i mean the part of me that is attracted to men.
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    Nov 15, 2015 10:15 PM GMT
    so you are 33 and never had any type of interaction with gays ? ( except the ones you described obviously )
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    Nov 15, 2015 10:35 PM GMT
    yeah, it's a tough situation. (i'm 31) i feel so lost and like a little teenager sometimes because i don't know how to deal with all of the stuff involved with dating...and dating a man. i feel overwhelmed...and kind of stunted in my maturity regarding relationships. i've dated a few girls over the years, but not even that really. i was in a relationship with a girl for 4yrs., though in early college.
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    Nov 15, 2015 10:38 PM GMT
    the good news is I find you attractive, you look good and about that friends thing, yeah, you can be friends, It can develop into something more, maybe the other guy needs more time, but try just being friends, you feel attraction, possibly he as well, get to know him more and be critical :-)
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    Nov 15, 2015 10:46 PM GMT
    thank you. right now my biggest struggle is that he seems so casual about everything - like he could go 2 weeks without talking to me...but when we are together we are very close and we feel interested in each other....but when we text (he does have a slight language barrier) which is not that often, either....he seems kind of like it's not that big of a deal....even though he's told me he likes me and he wants to be honest with me. on my end, i think about him frequently and would drop a lot of things to see him. there are things that could be off about this situation, or it could be very healthy, i don't know. he has initiated us getting together just as i have. i wish we could hang out more frequently...like once a week or something so we could really get to know each other....but there's these giant lags between when we meet that makes it all very difficult for me. i'm afraid to burden him but also don't want him to think i don't care. forgive the venting, i just haven't been able to share this with anyone.
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    Nov 15, 2015 10:57 PM GMT
    panchito14 saidthank you. right now my biggest struggle is that he seems so casual about everything - like he could go 2 weeks without talking to me...but when we are together we are very close and we feel interested in each other....but when we text (he does have a slight language barrier) which is not that often, either....he seems kind of like it's not that big of a deal....even though he's told me he likes me and he wants to be honest with me. on my end, i think about him frequently and would drop a lot of things to see him. there are things that could be off about this situation, or it could be very healthy, i don't know. he has initiated us getting together just as i have. i wish we could hang out more frequently...like once a week or something so we could really get to know each other....but there's these giant lags between when we meet that makes it all very difficult for me. i'm afraid to burden him but also don't want him to think i don't care. forgive the venting, i just haven't been able to share this with anyone.


    sounds like you are getting attached to him while he just wants friendship at the moment and does not feel the same attachment/obsession. Just don't let your attraction to him make you blind of what is exactly going on, sounds like he does like you, but at a slower more calm pace and looks like as a friend, you need to get to know him more, that's what I think at the same time if he knows you are moving away, what can you expect from him?
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    Nov 15, 2015 11:04 PM GMT
    OP nevermind bonaparts, the guy got issues.
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    Nov 15, 2015 11:09 PM GMT
    ok, thank you. that helps a lot. he and i have very different backgrounds...for me, i have all this pent up feelings that i've tried to deny over the years - that when i find connection with a guy i guess i take a less than patient route. i should consider more his perspective, even if it's a slow route in learning what his perspective is.
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    Nov 15, 2015 11:21 PM GMT
    Dude, your leaving in 4 mo
    No relationship possible
    End of story
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    Nov 15, 2015 11:36 PM GMT
    right, we both know a relationship is not possible.
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    Nov 15, 2015 11:47 PM GMT
    I'm a dog.
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    Nov 15, 2015 11:52 PM GMT
    pellaz saidDude, your leaving in 4 mo
    No relationship possicle
    End of story


    pellaz - what is the alternative? should i not try to put myself out there and connect with other gay men in some way? (as long as they know) not do that until i'm somehow certain i will be locked down in one place?
    i feel like the only option for me is to just sleep with other men....this seems to be so easy and accessible and acceptable...and yet wanting to get to know a guy on an even simplistically normal level is like the hardest thing in the world, i have found.
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    Nov 16, 2015 12:07 AM GMT
    panchito14 saidok, thank you. that helps a lot. he and i have very different backgrounds...for me, i have all this pent up feelings that i've tried to deny over the years - that when i find connection with a guy i guess i take a less than patient route. i should consider more his perspective, even if it's a slow route in learning what his perspective is.


    The only perspective you should consider is yourself. Based on your story/situation, it appears you haven't completely accepted that you like guys. Find your acceptance and then you'll have a better understanding on the types of relationship routes that will work for you.

    Now, the complications associated with finding and retaining a relationship with another guy? That's a different story….
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    Nov 16, 2015 12:14 AM GMT
    Erik101 said
    panchito14 saidok, thank you. that helps a lot. he and i have very different backgrounds...for me, i have all this pent up feelings that i've tried to deny over the years - that when i find connection with a guy i guess i take a less than patient route. i should consider more his perspective, even if it's a slow route in learning what his perspective is.


    The only perspective you should consider is yourself. Based on your story/situation, it appears you haven't completely accepted that you like guys. Find your acceptance and then you'll have a better understanding on the types of relationship routes that will work for you.

    Now, the complications associated with finding and retaining a relationship with another guy? That's a different story….


    ok, i see what you are saying...but honestly i was hoping that interacting with and dating other gay men would help to resolve any lingering lack of self-acceptance. that it would help me to see with better eyes. i completely know i like and am attracted to guys in every way - the hard part accepting is that it's ok because of my experience in wanting to know God most of my life. i totally know i'm gay
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    Nov 16, 2015 12:25 AM GMT
    panchito14 said
    Erik101 said
    panchito14 saidok, thank you. that helps a lot. he and i have very different backgrounds...for me, i have all this pent up feelings that i've tried to deny over the years - that when i find connection with a guy i guess i take a less than patient route. i should consider more his perspective, even if it's a slow route in learning what his perspective is.


    The only perspective you should consider is yourself. Based on your story/situation, it appears you haven't completely accepted that you like guys. Find your acceptance and then you'll have a better understanding on the types of relationship routes that will work for you.

    Now, the complications associated with finding and retaining a relationship with another guy? That's a different story….


    ok, i see what you are saying...but honestly i was hoping that interacting with and dating other gay men would help to resolve any lingering lack of self-acceptance. that it would help me to see with better eyes. i completely know i like and am attracted to guys in every way - the hard part accepting is that it's ok because of my experience in wanting to know God most of my life. i totally know i'm gay


    The bolded above….work on that! Find other gay Christians (or whatever your denomination is) whom you can relate to.
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    Nov 16, 2015 5:23 PM GMT
    panchito14 said... the hard part accepting is that it's ok because of my experience in wanting to know God most of my life...

    he's got jesus; this is bad:
    first thing first is find a gay accepting church in your area.
    Google ( gay accepting churches near me MyCityName )

    in denver there is Dignity/Denver (Catholic)
    http://www.dignityusa.org/local.html#co


    post back when this is done.

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    Nov 16, 2015 6:21 PM GMT
    Well mate, I understand, and I've been through Corsicana en route to Dallas when I used to drive up weekly. I think a move to a more gay friendly city like Dallas, may help with coming out and self acceptance. I was lucky in that I was already living in NYC when i came out, so it made things a little easier. There were other people that I said, are "just like me."

    I think Corsicana is a bit small, and may be a bit resistant to gay culture. Hope this helps.

    Cheers,

    Sean
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    Nov 16, 2015 8:54 PM GMT
    pellaz said
    panchito14 said... the hard part accepting is that it's ok because of my experience in wanting to know God most of my life...

    he's got jesus; this is bad:
    first thing first is find a gay accepting church in your area.
    Google ( gay accepting churches near me MyCityName )

    in denver there is Dignity/Denver (Catholic)
    http://www.dignityusa.org/local.html#co


    post back when this is done.



    i don't care if a church accepts me. i already have one, doesn't help.
  • Destinharbor

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    Nov 16, 2015 9:20 PM GMT
    You need to have sex with a guy. Bet you haven't. All this 8th grade angst is understandable because your emotional maturity was stunted by looking for an invisible man in the sky. Start thinking like a man and enjoy your life which will never make sense, now that you've figured out that you're gay, until you know what sex is. You're leaving town so it is a perfect time to experiment. Stay safe but stop being fearful.
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    Nov 16, 2015 11:36 PM GMT
    Destinharbor saidYou need to have sex with a guy. Bet you haven't. All this 8th grade angst is understandable because your emotional maturity was stunted by looking for an invisible man in the sky. Start thinking like a man and enjoy your life which will never make sense, now that you've figured out that you're gay, until you know what sex is. You're leaving town so it is a perfect time to experiment. Stay safe but stop being fearful.


    i see what you're saying, but are you also saying that life only makes sense once you've had sex?
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    Nov 16, 2015 11:49 PM GMT
    your changing locations in 4mo, stick with the sex only thingy



  • Destinharbor

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    Nov 17, 2015 12:05 AM GMT
    panchito14 said
    Destinharbor saidYou need to have sex with a guy. Bet you haven't. All this 8th grade angst is understandable because your emotional maturity was stunted by looking for an invisible man in the sky. Start thinking like a man and enjoy your life which will never make sense, now that you've figured out that you're gay, until you know what sex is. You're leaving town so it is a perfect time to experiment. Stay safe but stop being fearful.


    i see what you're saying, but are you also saying that life only makes sense once you've had sex?


    Pretty much. That doesn't mean unsafe promiscuity, it means acting adult and not being afraid of your body, another man's body, and the reason you're gay. You've got yourself tied up in knots emotionally and mentally because you can't figure out how to relate to guys you're sexually attracted to. Sex isn't dirty or bad or forbidden. It is part of being adult. And like everything else, it requires some learning and practice. Sex is fun and and part of life. A really good part.
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    Nov 17, 2015 12:12 AM GMT
    Destinharbor said
    panchito14 said
    Destinharbor saidYou need to have sex with a guy. Bet you haven't. All this 8th grade angst is understandable because your emotional maturity was stunted by looking for an invisible man in the sky. Start thinking like a man and enjoy your life which will never make sense, now that you've figured out that you're gay, until you know what sex is. You're leaving town so it is a perfect time to experiment. Stay safe but stop being fearful.


    i see what you're saying, but are you also saying that life only makes sense once you've had sex?


    Pretty much. That doesn't mean unsafe promiscuity, it means acting adult and not being afraid of your body, another man's body, and the reason you're gay. You've got yourself tied up in knots emotionally and mentally because you can't figure out how to relate to guys you're sexually attracted to. Sex isn't dirty or bad or forbidden. It is part of being adult. And like everything else, it requires some learning and practice. Sex is fun and and part of life. A really good part.


    ok, thanks