Pre-Cheating?

  • styrgan

    Posts: 2017

    Feb 03, 2009 4:27 AM GMT
    So my boyfriend broke up with me a few days before my birthday. Which is actually not as bad as it sounds if you know the history.

    Our relationship was always technically open, but I haven't been with anyone else since around early fall.

    I have - as I've mentioned in a few forums past - been flirting heavily with one of the baristas at my local Starbucks for about four or five months. But I never really regarded it as anything more than a game of cat and mouse which was never intended to go anywhere and was certainly never intended to breach any sacred barrier between a barista and a caffeine addict.

    Anyways, for the last two weeks or so, I haven't been all over him, mostly because I've been preparing myself emotionally for the inevitable split. He apparently noticed, and made a comment tonight about how I haven't been "all smiles" recently. I responded by telling him that my boyfriend broke up with me last week and that I have been "collecting myself" - to which he replied, "Oh" and seemed disappointed. When he handed me my drink, he just politely said that he was sorry to hear about my breakup, but it was in a more disinterested tone.

    I am really convinced he's upset that I might have ben trying to pre-cheat with him. My friend who was with me disagreed.

    But so now, I'm running through dating scenarios in my head - trying to figure out if he is someone I would be interested in really getting to know, if this even qualifies as pre-cheating and if he's even going to be interested since he now knows I had a boyfriend all this time.

    Anything from your guys would be appreicated. Well, maybe not anything.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 03, 2009 7:58 AM GMT
    The instant I find out a guy is married or has a bf it is a complete turn off, especially if he tries to initiate anything while he is taken.
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    Feb 03, 2009 8:22 AM GMT
    If you are broke up, you are broke up! Stop worrying about it and go meet people -- you live in NY and should have no problem meeting people. Don't get your eyes set on any one person so early.
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    Feb 03, 2009 12:25 PM GMT
    maybe hes giving you time to regroup....some guys dont wanna be the rebound guy. He must have been interested in you and possible wants to give you time to get over your bf and make sure its really over before he becomes emotionally involved....who knows.
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    Feb 03, 2009 12:41 PM GMT
    He just found out that you were flirting with him for four months while you were in a relationship with someone else. Perhaps he doesn't want to date someone who might simultaneously be grooming his replacement. Hence the chill.
  • coolarmydude

    Posts: 9190

    Feb 03, 2009 12:55 PM GMT
    Instead of trying to read ambiguous ambiguities, TALK TO HIM AND FIND OUT!!!!!!!! This forum is a continuation of the cat and mouse game that you've been playing with the guy.

  • styrgan

    Posts: 2017

    Feb 03, 2009 2:30 PM GMT
    redbull saidmaybe hes giving you time to regroup....some guys dont wanna be the rebound guy. He must have been interested in you and possible wants to give you time to get over your bf and make sure its really over before he becomes emotionally involved....who knows.


    That's exactly what my friend thought...
  • styrgan

    Posts: 2017

    Feb 03, 2009 2:31 PM GMT
    Thank you guys for your responses!!

    I was afraid while I was writing this that I was going to have a whole lot of judgement hurled at me. Thanks for proving me wrong.
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    Feb 03, 2009 2:41 PM GMT
    I have to agree with some of the other responders. He does not want to what I call "TRANSITIONAL GUY" These are the guys that you date while you are in transition of meeting your next lover. No man wants to be especially if they want something long term.

    I was that guy once! It was not nice when I found out that I was transitioned out! LOL!

    Good Luck Styrgan.icon_biggrin.gif
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    Feb 03, 2009 2:47 PM GMT
    If you just recently broke up you need time to grieve your loss before you try to move on. Even if things haven't been good for a while and you knew what was coming, it's still a loss. You need to let yourself process this before you start looking to date again. I thought I was over my relationship right when it ended because I ended it and I had had three or four months while he was in Europe to realize that we just weren't happy anymore and we tried our best but someone had to call the end. There are still aspects of that relationship that I am struggling with over three years later. Yes, I'm over the emotional part of it for sure and have been dating now for about a year and a half. Take some time man. Relax, enjoy being single, sort things through.....then get back on the horse.
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    Feb 03, 2009 2:48 PM GMT
    If I were the cofffee man I would have done the same thing. Instant turn off finding out someone was flirting wwth me when he had a bf. It instantly says to me tha tyou would do the same thing if you were my bf. Questioning if you could be a loyal bf at all.

    The other thing would be the rebound aspect. I've been the rebound bf. the one they leave to go back to thier ex and all sorts of other scenerios.

    Suggest you just continue to be nice to him. Maybe in time you will regain his interest.
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    Feb 03, 2009 2:52 PM GMT
    Cowboiway saidIf I were the cofffee man I would have done the same thing. Instant turn off finding out someone was flirting wwth me when he had a bf. It instantly says to me tha tyou would do the same thing if you were my bf. Questioning if you could be a loyal bf at all.

    Thanks, saved me the effort of writing the exact same words.
  • styrgan

    Posts: 2017

    Feb 03, 2009 2:53 PM GMT
    Shortnsexystud saidIf you just recently broke up you need time to grieve your loss before you try to move on. Even if things haven't been good for a while and you knew what was coming, it's still a loss. You need to let yourself process this before you start looking to date again. I thought I was over my relationship right when it ended because I ended it and I had had three or four months while he was in Europe to realize that we just weren't happy anymore and we tried our best but someone had to call the end. There are still aspects of that relationship that I am struggling with over three years later. Yes, I'm over the emotional part of it for sure and have been dating now for about a year and a half. Take some time man. Relax, enjoy being single, sort things through.....then get back on the horse.


    I was waiting for someone to post this, short. I actually think it's the best advice considering that the breakup was on extremely good terms.

    Sometimes it's easier to get over someone when you absolutely hate everything about them.
  • styrgan

    Posts: 2017

    Feb 03, 2009 3:04 PM GMT
    I think some of you guys are starting to miss the idea a little bit. Forums are a bit like a game of telephone in that as you get deeper into them, fewer people clearly read the original post and rely increasingly onthe poster above them.

    I was never looking to date this guy or anything. If I was, I would have asked for his number a while ago since I was in an open relationship. The thought only occurred to me last night. I imagine in that moment, he revealed a little bit to me about who he is as a person, and I guess I found that attractive.
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    Feb 03, 2009 3:06 PM GMT
    Red_Vespa said
    Cowboiway saidIf I were the cofffee man I would have done the same thing. Instant turn off finding out someone was flirting wwth me when he had a bf. It instantly says to me tha tyou would do the same thing if you were my bf. Questioning if you could be a loyal bf at all.

    Thanks, saved me the effort of writing the exact same words.



    agreed- same words exactly- you may be ok with 'open relationships' and all but many of us are more traditional- exclusivists- as in my case; if i found out that a guy who'd been flirting heavily with me was taken the whole time, it'd be a huge instant turn-off. i'd also treat a recent break-up man as poisonous for the reason listed above.

    in fact, both things have happened to me and i speak from experience.... in one case- we went on a few legitimate dates, and i thought things were moving along... we even fooled around a bit... and then he confessed that he had a boyfriend and was currently in an argument with him so he wanted to 'shop around'- i felt used. it comes off as whorish, conniving, and would display a total disregard for what a relationship, in my mind, IS. why have one if its held in such light regard? he won't date you after this.
    in the other case- i was dating this guy right after he'd broken up with someone else and after a while it got a bit serious between us... then his ex re-entered the picture, he still had feelings for him, and left me for him. i was heartbroken.

    unless a gay man is totally inexperienced, or craves unhealthy relationships (some do, from the forums i've seen lately lol), its no wonder you were so obviously disregarded by the coffee man.
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    Feb 03, 2009 3:12 PM GMT
    I think what they are saying is if the Starbucks Baristas did not know about the openess of your last relationship, his reaction to his finding out is a normal reaction. I would be kind pissed too if someone was constantly flirting with me beyond the normal and only to find out that he had a bf at the time.

    It's kind of leading don't you think, he may have developed an attraction for you and here all the while you had a bf and you tell him this now that you have broken-up. Just a diffrent take on what you described.

    Don't get me I am not sitting in judgment.
  • styrgan

    Posts: 2017

    Feb 03, 2009 3:21 PM GMT
    Ducky44 saidI think what they are saying is if the Starbucks Baristas did not know about the openess of your last relationship, his reaction to you finding out then is a normal reaction. I was be kind pissed to if somene was constantly flirting with me beyond the normal only to find out that he had a bf at the time.


    I totally agree with you. I was saying that my flirting was never really intended to lead anywhere with this guy, and so I think everyone is getting it wrong by thinking that I wanted a realtionship or something with him. But I suppose he wouldn't have known that either.

    You think he might be pissed I've been leading him on all these months?
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    Feb 03, 2009 3:30 PM GMT
    It's possible from how you describe his reaction when you informed him about your recent break-up I would say yes.

    You could always ask and also appologize if he was offended or even a little hurt. You never know it may turn things around and at the very least.
  • styrgan

    Posts: 2017

    Feb 03, 2009 3:44 PM GMT
    Ducky44 saidIt's possible from how you describe his reaction when you informed him about your recent break-up I would say yes.

    You could always ask and also appologize if he was offended or even a little hurt. You never know it may turn things around and at the very least.


    That thought hadn't crossed my mind until just now. Great advice.
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    Feb 03, 2009 3:49 PM GMT
    Ok. So while you were in a relationship with your BF you were flirting with someone you pretty much saw everyday at a Starbucks. Sounds like an opened opportunity to cheat but seeing as how you didn't actually cheat it sounds ok right? Nope.

    I'm gonna guess that the person you were flirting heavy with didn't know you were in a relationship until you spoke, right? In his eyes the flirting was very mutual with the possiblity of something more seeing as how you guys weren't friends and you probably never really spoke with him until the breakup. The whole time the guy was probably thinking "Wow! This guy is cute and flirting with me. I might have a chance". Come to find out you were attached the whole time and flirting.

    That doesn't look good, bro. He's probably wondering how many other people have you flirted heavy with besides him while in a relationship? I'm not saying you're a bad person. Far from it but you gotta understand how the mind works in situations like this and how one is percieved based by his or her actions. In this case things just don't look good for it looks like you were sizing him up for a potential fling. Your intentions weren't of that nature (I'm assuming) but let's look at it from another view.

    Say the guy was liking your flirtations and decided to make a pass at you while you were still in the realtionship. What would you have done? Would you have continued it and taken it further? Would you have stopped and explained your situation? All these are scenerios and all were possible based upon your decison to flirt. In short you led the guy on (unintentionally) and after he found out your were taken the whole time the appeal sorta lost it's luster. To make matters worse you then tell him that you just broke up with your BF and make it sound so casual, almost inviting, as if to say "I'm available now buddy so let's go." Again I'm assuming that wasn't your intention but that's how it looks. You basically just wasted his time an nobody like that.

    I hope everything works out for you though. More guys should learn to be alittle more open and more informative. I like to flirt myself. It's fun, however, I'm not in the habit of leading someone on nor I am in the habit of staking a claim on someone elses guy. Just not my style. if I know a guy is in a relationshipo a little flirting is ok but that's as far it's gonna guy because I won't make the mistake of leading someone with false hopes.

    Best of luck to you, bro.
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    Feb 03, 2009 3:56 PM GMT
    styrgan said
    Ducky44 saidI think what they are saying is if the Starbucks Baristas did not know about the openess of your last relationship, his reaction to you finding out then is a normal reaction. I was be kind pissed to if somene was constantly flirting with me beyond the normal only to find out that he had a bf at the time.


    I totally agree with you. I was saying that my flirting was never really intended to lead anywhere with this guy, and so I think everyone is getting it wrong by thinking that I wanted a realtionship or something with him. But I suppose he wouldn't have known that either.

    You think he might be pissed I've been leading him on all these months?

    Is he pissed because you're a big tease? D'UH!! You admit your flirting was never intended to lead anywhere. He should have told you fuck off.
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    Feb 03, 2009 4:15 PM GMT
    yeah that's pretty shitty- you're not a good person, and im surprised his reaction was such a surprise- are you really that clueless of other people's feelings?
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    Feb 03, 2009 4:17 PM GMT
    The thrill of having what is potentially not available is always a good aphrodisiac, and especially in a position as a Barista where they are CONSTANTLY in contact with people, they have to flirt, to a certain extent.
  • styrgan

    Posts: 2017

    Feb 03, 2009 4:26 PM GMT
    a1972guy said ...especially in a position as a Barista where they are CONSTANTLY in contact with people, they have to flirt, to a certain extent.


    Exactly. Flirting without any sort of reprisal is common to many service-oriented industries. When you go to a bar, and the bartender is flirting with you shamelessly, you know that it's a roundabout way of him getting more tips.

    I mean I've probably taken it too far and gotten carried away - which happens with me alot!
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    Feb 03, 2009 4:30 PM GMT
    Your relationship with this barista has been "all smiles" for months. Then you lay this heavy news on him. You introduce a whole new emotion into your relationship with him. The sudden new heaviness might have been awkward for him, not knowing how to react.

    But, even if we assume he was put off by a perceived act of pre-cheating (which, having been in a dozen failed relationships before, know how it is in those last few weeks or months of relationship death throws) the way to make that right is to continue to pursue him if you think you might be interested. It is a form of commitment after all. Though, given what you wrote I really don't think he feels like you were pre-cheating.