What does it mean when...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 16, 2015 5:45 PM GMT
    Hello mates,

    I wanted to get your insight as to a situation I've been faced with lately. So, my best friend in Germany has convinced me to try online dating as of several months ago, but haven't really had much luck with that regard. I meet these guys, we have a blast, and either they want to jump into bed on the first date, or they want to get married and move in within the first three.

    Lately, I've been faced with going out with a couple of guys whom we click, go out on a few dates, have a blast, then they pull either the disappearing act, or get cold. So I decided on the last two, to really get to the root of the issues. We had a good time hanging out, and just getting to know each other. One ended up disappearing after about two weeks. He said that he was "going through a few things and just needed some time to himself." With him, he just started reaching out to me the last couple of days, and wants to get together for lunch. He told me that he's really sorry for being cold, then disappearing, but a feeling came over him that he wasn't good enough for me, and that I deserved better. Then today, he flat out asked to come spend the night... Dude, you had your chance... I just don't understand how someone can disappear, and just come back and think that I will welcome him with open arms.

    The second gave me kind of a similar response, only after i dumped him for being a complete asshole towards me. We dated a month. In the beginning, he boasted about how much money he makes, and what he has, da da da... I said nothing, because I buy things that make me happy, and not anyone else. After he realised that I'm not impressed by his material things, he started to get really cold. I cut him loose, he then stated that he has issues with Anger Management, and thinks I deserve better than him.

    Just a little background... I am a very positive, confident guy, and have a good head on my shoulders. I'll usually give you the shirt off my back, but people sometimes take that kindness for weakness. They then see that I'm a no nonsense type person, and I'm guessing it intimidates them. Anyone experience the same, and thoughts?

    Thanks in advance.

    Cheers,

    Sean
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 16, 2015 5:52 PM GMT
    GTPSean said... One ended up disappearing after about two weeks. He said that he was "going through a few things and just needed some time to himself." With him... He told me that he's really sorry for being cold, then disappearing, but a feeling came over him that he wasn't good enough for me, and that I deserved better...

    i would tend to believe him (he is not good enough). if your not capable of having a phuck buddy and just enjoy the sex, stay away.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 16, 2015 6:11 PM GMT
    Thanks for the response mate, and trust me, when someone says that they're not good enough, I believe them. Just find that it's weird that 5 months later, he surfaces as though nothing ever happened.

    Cheers,

    Sean
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 872

    Nov 18, 2015 2:15 AM GMT
    GTPSean saidHello mates,

    I wanted to get your insight as to a situation I've been faced with lately. So, my best friend in Germany has convinced me to try online dating as of several months ago, but haven't really had much luck with that regard. I meet these guys, we have a blast, and either they want to jump into bed on the first date, or they want to get married and move in within the first three.

    Yup. Apps are mostly either used for a quick NSA hookup or as a 'serious' dating tool for the guys who are unable to date the dudes from their natural environment, and develop meaningful relationships. Neither the former nor the latter are necessarily bad, negative, to be condemned, etc.. The apps and their success among so many men show that this particular technology addresses existing issues in a more or less efficient manner.

    Lately, I've been faced with going out with a couple of guys whom we click, go out on a few dates, have a blast, then they pull either the disappearing act, or get cold. So I decided on the last two, to really get to the root of the issues. We had a good time hanging out, and just getting to know each other. One ended up disappearing after about two weeks. He said that he was "going through a few things and just needed some time to himself." With him, he just started reaching out to me the last couple of days, and wants to get together for lunch. He told me that he's really sorry for being cold, then disappearing, but a feeling came over him that he wasn't good enough for me, and that I deserved better. Then today, he flat out asked to come spend the night... Dude, you had your chance... I just don't understand how someone can disappear, and just come back and think that I will welcome him with open arms.

    Every dude is a story to himself. Dating takes a lot of time and energy, and a few guys out there lack the discipline to run their lives in an organized and efficient manner. Once they start what looks like a promising dating experience, life interferes giving them the necessary excuse to vanish, and escape the responsibility that comes with a more serious kind of dating. A few days into the process, they realize that a quality, VGL dude is not that easy to score, so they come back, a bit apologetic, and hoping to be 'forgiven' for their sudden act of disappearance. There is nothing you can do about their personal weaknesses and lack of integrity.

    The second gave me kind of a similar response, only after i dumped him for being a complete asshole towards me. We dated a month. In the beginning, he boasted about how much money he makes, and what he has, da da da... I said nothing, because I buy things that make me happy, and not anyone else. After he realised that I'm not impressed by his material things, he started to get really cold. I cut him loose, he then stated that he has issues with Anger Management, and thinks I deserve better than him.

    Just a little background... I am a very positive, confident guy, and have a good head on my shoulders. I'll usually give you the shirt off my back, but people sometimes take that kindness for weakness. They then see that I'm a no nonsense type person, and I'm guessing it intimidates them. Anyone experience the same, and thoughts?

    If a dude needs help to overcome his anger issues, he may be well-advised to spend his time and money doing so. Dating someone with such a major issue still unresolved is likely to make the matters worse for yet another dude.

    It is perfectly OK to let the dude know that you do not enjoy when he goes on bragging about his alleged material(istic) achievements. There is no reason to hold back on that issue, and make him believe that you are at least, indifferent on the issue.

    The apps are out there for everyone. So, everyone uses them. A number of people out there will invariably misunderstand your kindness for weakness, and will test your determination by treating you in a mostly irresponsible manner. Use that good head on your shoulders, and develop an early warning system that would help you red flag such dudes sooner rather than later, so that you can focus your dating efforts on the quality dudes whom you deserve.


    Thanks in advance.

    Cheers,

    Sean
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 18, 2015 5:13 AM GMT
    SilverRR, excellent advice! Thank you for being spot on!

    Having met quite a few of these guys, as you've mentioned, I'm getting a lot better at spotting these red flags a lot earlier.

    Thanks again!

    Cheers,

    Sean
  • badbug

    Posts: 800

    Nov 18, 2015 7:10 AM GMT

    Yeah good advice....


    I would just add, from my perspective as i am one of these types....


    That some people also get off on attention and drama. A lot of times, I will go back to exes or start flirting again with people i dated that didn't work out just to see if they still like me, just for attention and entertainment i suppose.

    I obviously work on not behaving like this, but people often don't know their motivations when they are in the moment, only after they look back and go:

    "shit i ate at an all you can eat rib place for 3 hours, cause my mom didn't hug me enough?" when at the time, you just thought you wanted ribs.