if a guy talks about wanting/not wanting kids, would that be a deal breaker for you?

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    Nov 16, 2015 7:10 PM GMT
    I met up with a guy the other night, and it was like our first 1 on 1 meeting. It was all good, but he started talking about wanting kids. I'm like wait a minute...I'm not even thinking about that lol. Plus the guy was younger than me, like 27. It doesn't help I live in a state where everywhere you GO, people have kids and families.

    I've had this come up a couple times throughout my dating history...and Everytime I'm like, HELL NO...in my head. What is up with guys wanting kids? That's not even something to talk about on first dates. It's in the rules. You don't talk about kids, marriage, or the future on the first 2-3 dates lol.

    I personally can't see myself doing it, anytime soon or in the future. Unless you're going to do artificial insemination, a person would be fostering a child, and seeing what happened to a cousin of mine who was fostered...that's not something I'd want to take on. Plus I grew up with 3 brothers, 2 younger than me...and that was only like less than 10 years ago.

    I'm not saying guys shouldn't have kids, but for me...that's not something one should go into a relationship looking for with the other person.

    Plus, all the former closet guys who have kids...you have to work around their kids at some point. And that's just something I will never do again, not at THIS age. I was just starting a LDR with a guy who had a kid, he was great the first time, but then I went to visit him a second time and baby mama drama came up in the middle of the night and he had to drive back to LA in the middle of the night.
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    Nov 16, 2015 7:46 PM GMT
    just say no (to kids)
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    Nov 16, 2015 8:10 PM GMT
    To me it's just another variation on the theme of today's gays copying straights with respect to relationships. Back before HIV we were all sluts fucking like bunnies and gay marriage wasn't on our radar. Now being in a long term relationship is seen as the be-all end-all.
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    Nov 16, 2015 8:21 PM GMT
    Lumpyoatmeal saidTo me it's just another variation on the theme of today's gays copying straights with respect to relationships. Back before HIV we were all sluts fucking like bunnies and gay marriage wasn't on our radar. Now being in a long term relationship is seen as the be-all end-all.


    so to be a 'real' gay guy you have to be a slut?? surely what 'we' fought for all those years ago was to be able to be who we were and in whatever form that took, and if for some us that means we want/like to be in a relationship then that should be acceptable - it's not copying 'straights' its called being ourselves - just some of us don't want a long stream of meaningless fucks!
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    Nov 16, 2015 8:29 PM GMT
    thehorn saidso to be a 'real' gay guy you have to be a slut??

    We are obviously better off now than we were back then with respect to being accepted and respected by straights. Reverting to the previous behavior would not be productive.

    My post was meant to be an observation, not a statement on how we should behave.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Nov 16, 2015 9:54 PM GMT
    Why would you not want him to bring it up? You now know that this guy is thinking about his future and what's important to his happiness. Doesn't necessarily mean with you. He's just telling you something he thinks is important to him. You find that offensive? And besides, you now know to not see him further because to do so is a total waste of his time. And your's. Or maybe not your's if your idea of dating is just to get off for a while with the same guy. If he'd brought it up and said he definitely knew he'd never want kids, would that have been better for you? Acceptable?
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    Nov 16, 2015 11:20 PM GMT
    I was happy to hear my guy say he didn't want kids. Been there. Done that.

    It definitely would have been a deal breaker.
  • badbug

    Posts: 800

    Nov 17, 2015 12:46 PM GMT
    This is interesting to me,

    I am bisexual and have only recently started entertaining/accepting the idea that i would choose a man as my long term partner...

    Nothing against guys, i have some serious abandonment and mommy issues that i have been wrapped up in my whole life, i haven't really had time to work on my daddy issues. icon_twisted.gif

    And like most people my age, i grew up in a mostly more homophobic male culture, so it was easier for me to not try and f)ck my cute male friends. I jerked off a lot thinking about them though....but had enough issues, without worrying about alienating my friends who were also no doubt, homophobic.



    I am not sure if you are aware, but women are pretty crazy about babies. Some of my male friends are too, that i don't really understand.



    This has me interested, because it was always hard finding a girl that didn't want children. I really don't want children.

    I have seen, met, even dated...many girls that say they don't want children, that end up wanting children.

    The few females i know that really don't care about having kids, have been mentally ill females that i am very glad don't want any kids. They'd be cute kids though....


    My latest ex, was 15 years older than me, so it wasn't an issue. Even at 48, it was still a slight issue, moreso the fact she didn't have any, not that she wanted them, but she felt "incomplete" and that she was less than her friends that did have them.



    So this sort of leads me to the happy hope, that i may not have as much of an issue with finding a man, who doesn't want kids. Something i never even thought about, until reading this post.



    To the original question,

    If a guy wanted kids, that would be a deal breaker.


    If he talked about it on dates 1-3, i think it would really depend on how good he looked or how interesting i found him.

    If i thought he was super intellectual and just pondered all sorts of abstract ideas, that would be fine.....or if he was so hot, i just didn't care that he was this needy on date 1....


    But assuming he's not super smart or super hot, i would probably see it as a bit of an issue. Like, what's the rush? Why are you in a rush? What does your being in a rush, say about your willingness or unwillingness to project your romantic fantasies onto me....


    So yeah, i get it.

    It's kind of brutal, but people are supposed to be selling themselves on the first date(s)....

    If you are already getting needy on the first date, what does that say about you?


    And this btw, is coming from a very needy person that would totally talk about kids on the first date, if i didn't know it was a no no.

    But, i am also reasonably sure i could be charming enough to get away with it.
  • JackNNJ

    Posts: 1051

    Nov 17, 2015 1:58 PM GMT
    I like kids just fine - just so they're someone else's. None for me, thanks.

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    Nov 17, 2015 4:34 PM GMT
    Gay's are full of fantasies. The animal shelters are full of really high quality dogs because of this. Kids are a 24/7 , $200k commitment (before college ) not something to take on when your big focus on life is an underwear collection.
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    Nov 17, 2015 6:20 PM GMT
    contrary to popular belief raising children requires skills and sacrifice. The absolute minimum qualification is you have volunteered for the task.
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    Nov 17, 2015 9:46 PM GMT
    @ bad bug, thanks for your detailed post lol. Yes, you certainly won't have to worry about a guy having kids lol.

    @ destin harbor: because we were sitting in the house watching Netflix! Lol. Before we talk about kids, we need to be doing something kid friendly like a Disney world date or arbortion clinic where I'll be like...maybe lol.

    Also, it's too early because we don't even know on the first date if the two of us will even see each other again. You can't put the carriage before the horse. That's like going to a steakhouse and the waitress says, "Heres the dessert menu" before even asking for drinks, apps, and entrees. Since that night, he hasn't hit me up, and I haven't hit him up either. Personally I'm kinda scared off by the whole thing, but if it came down to it I'd love to see him again. But I don't need someone sizing me up to how good of a father provider I can be. I'm done with that fucking shit I won't let someone play me like that ever again. Everything I do is because of me and and I never ask my friends for a dime, whether anyone thinks escorting is a good choice or not.

    Alpha13 saidGay's are full of fantasies. The animal shelters are full of really high quality dogs because of this. Kids are a 24/7 , $200k commitment (before college ) not something to take on when your big focus on life is an underwear collection.


    Exactlly. And the bullshit needs to stop. Even my other friend last night had the audacity to say HE wanted kids last night when I told him of the story. I'm like dude...are you fucking serious? Get a place to live first, stop sleeping couch to couch, then you can remotely think about kids. Otherwise, you're still a kid. If you have a roommate, you're still a frat kid living in a bachelor house.

    I think being gay is a blessing. You don't need kids to be complete. Fucking open a nursery or daycare center or be a teacher if you want to be around kids! Lol. I also believe the bible saying "be fruitful and multiply" was a blessing also, not a commandment...as someone interpreted it's one of the often misinterpreted verses in the bible.
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    Nov 17, 2015 11:26 PM GMT
    Either/or is great. If he tells me he wants kids, I'll be able to tell him we're not a match. If says he doesn't want kids, one less incompatibility to worry about. Win/win. Can't imagine raising a child with another guy. It always looks super awkward and forced to me.
  • stratavos

    Posts: 1831

    Nov 18, 2015 2:40 AM GMT
    ... contrary to what's being stated, I'd love to have kids, but I do know that I'm not at the point in my life where I'd be able to properly raise them.

    I do not have my own home, I do not have a stable job, and I have not paid off my student loans. I don't even have the rest of my education that I want to take yet!

    Also... you don't have to be monogamous to raise children, but someone does need to be there to help them.
  • 24hourguy

    Posts: 364

    Nov 18, 2015 3:54 AM GMT
    Two kinds of people; those that want kids, and those who don't, -and that usually isn't something that changes.

    No kids for me. No babies. No adult children from previous relationships. The good news is, gay men don't "accidentally" get pregnant. But I still wouldn't get involved with someone who really wanted children.
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    Nov 18, 2015 7:19 AM GMT
    I mean I wouldn't talk about kids when I first started going out with a guy but if I could see we were getting serious then I would have to bring it up because I am definitely having kids and he was against it I would probably need to sit him down and tell him if he want's to have a future with me that future will include kids. It would suck if he were to leave but I really like kids and will have at least one before I die lol.

    I've never actually dated a guy before though so take my post with a grain of salt.
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    Nov 18, 2015 10:42 PM GMT
    Lumpyoatmeal saidTo me it's just another variation on the theme of today's gays copying straights with respect to relationships. Back before HIV we were all sluts fucking like bunnies and gay marriage wasn't on our radar. Now being in a long term relationship is seen as the be-all end-all.


    If you actually paid attention, you'd see that heterosexuals tend to adopt trends that are popular within the gay community. Not the other way around.

    Also, the reason nobody wanted kids and marriage back then was because most people thought it was science fiction (because, literally, equality in sexual orientation and consecutive rights for people like us being portrayed no more normal than straight folks, was only found in sci-fi literature).

    Since now it is a reality - this is why more and more gay couples put an accent on healthy long term relationships that would potentially lead to marriage, and of course, the option of having kids.

    Also, no need to generalize about people back then. Not everybody was promiscuous.
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    Nov 18, 2015 11:04 PM GMT
    Razvigor saidIf you actually paid attention

    Where's the fun in that? Besides, that sounds like work and I'm done with that stuff.