Tops, bottoms, mild confusion

  • badbug

    Posts: 800

    Nov 18, 2015 11:46 PM GMT

    I am new to the looking for a man scene, and have just taken for granted the idea that most gay/bisexual men are into all aspects of sex with another man. Naturally i assumed, and have heard that some men are tops or bottoms but i guess i just thought that perhaps it was more rare or less a defining feature of sexual relations than i assumed.


    It's sort of just hitting me, for example that the really cute 18 year old boy at the store the other day that was checking me out, practically raping me, with his eyes.....might have come home with me, for me to find out that he wasn't into me fucking him?


    I am less interested in how this relates to casual hook-ups. I understand if you want to be a top or a bottom or prefer blow jobs or whatever, looking for exactly what you want online. For myself, it's not that much of an issue cause i really am fine with just getting a hand job or blow job or whatever in a once off situation. It's more about seeing someone naked and getting off, regardless of the manner. So for one night only, i can bottom or top or whatever...


    I do though, find it kind of interesting on how this might work on a long term basis. Like are a lot of guys really that picky in long term relationships about what they will and will not do? And what they want from a sexual encounter? Obviously it's a mix, but i am wondering from all of you who have more experience, what have you found that mix to be?

    Is my future boyfriend, going to be fine with mostly hand jobs and blow jobs and maybe anal only a couple times a week? I mean i guess i am looking for a bottom, but he's got to want to top atleast a couple times a month....i mean come on, we're gay aren't we??(that's a joke)


    My experience with females, is that they pretty much let you do whatever you want to them aslong as you seem in command. They are all very submissive, even the ones that try and take control, it can easily be taken back from them. I do tend to dominate my relationships, so maybe that's just my experience.

    I guess i just sort of thought, whatever guy i end up with is going to be happy enough with what i give him.....how rare is that guy?


    Anyways, please share your experiences or how your current relationship works.....

    I am used to manipulating females to get what i want from them...i fear it's going to be harder than i realise with men. icon_twisted.gif
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    Nov 19, 2015 12:01 AM GMT
    badbug said...
    I am used to manipulating females to get what i want from them...i fear it's going to be harder than i realise with men. icon_twisted.gif


    Great another manipulative homo. Just what the world needs.
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    Nov 19, 2015 12:15 AM GMT
    Good to know that you're cool with taking a 11 inch thick pole a couple times a month.
    Personally, I would never and sadly the only guy that ever wanted me to bottom was about that big.
    You would also be disappointed to find out there are guy that can't get hard if they have to top, just can't. And some guys just want to cuddle; God will punish them if they do anything more.
    I feel sexual compatibility is very important in any relationship, if it weren't you'd be in one now--am I right? I've based my 16 year relationship on it.
  • badbug

    Posts: 800

    Nov 19, 2015 12:15 AM GMT
    Ahh yes, well thank you for your insightful reply st.undercoverman. If only we could all be blessed with such a fine tuned moral compass as yours....

    I have found, the most manipulative people often see themselves as straight forward and honest, they're often the most destructive types because they geniunely believe the lies they tell you aswell as themselves.

    I was a far more manipulative person before i realised i was manipulative at all. How can you control something you aren't aware of?


    Now...tell me how you like it? I am on a fact finding mission here. icon_smile.gif


    @dustin

    I like your pic, you got sort of a bad ass Josh Brolin in No Country for Old Men vibe going.


    Yeah, 11 inches would probably be too much. I wonder how rare that kind of size is statistically. I've used some pretty large dildos on myself, but someone that far outside the norm would be a no no.


    The god cuddle people, i just couldn't interact with anyone like that anymore. I might be limiting myself to atheists and agnostics as far as long term partners go.

    As for the guys who can't get hard, that's what viagra is for. : )


    Yeah, i understand sexual chemistry being important....but it seems suddenly more complicated to me than it ever has.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 874

    Nov 19, 2015 5:26 AM GMT
    Heterosexual relations invariably have very well-defined defaults. The anatomy dictates who is going to bottom and who is going to top. (And the few women pleasing their men with strap-ons do not really affect or change this equation at all.)

    M2M sex is a very different animal altogether. Probably, much of the historically political opposition to the M2M sex has been based on the fact that the political class have never been able to effectively impose any functioning default on the M2M sex mechanics, despite many attempts to do so. Letting men choose and agree between (or among) themselves who bottoms or who tops without the involvement of the political class has always been seen as highly subversive, and actually threatening to the stability of the existing order/regime. Both historically and politically, this is a matter of quite some importance.

    On a more mundane level, a degree of versatility, with most gay guys actually claiming to be bottoms has become a basic default in most cultures of Europe, the Americas and Australia/NZ these days. Even a few years ago, guys still hotly debated the back pocket handkerchief coding and both its usefulness and practicality. Almost every NSA hookup you connected with wanted to know if you were a top or a bottom, unless this was somehow obvious (if possibly misleading). In the meantime, the NSA hookups became a dime a dozen with all the Apps apparently providing an endless stream of available and willing guys to mess around with. Going 'all the way' (as in having anal sex) during your first fleeting, first encounter is mostly seen as somewhat excessive these days. A BJ has become a default, simple and easy, giving both guys the opportunity to get their rocks off, and swiftly move on with their lives until the next NSA hookup shows up on the horizon.

    No doubt, the fact that bottom shaming is now a matter of the past contributed to the significantly increased level of openness among the gay guys and their specific bottom proclivities.

    In other words, even if you are strictly a total top, the chances are that the other guy you have just hooked up with will have absolutely no problem giving you a BJ. It helps if you happen to be 'bigger' in the size department, so that no doubt/discussion starts over who gets to go down on his knees.icon_surprised.gif But the chances are that very few guys will have any hangups about giving a reasonably sized dude a BJ at a drop of a hat.

    When it comes to having FBs, FwB and LTRs, the focus naturally changes. The good, ole' sexual roles come into play with full vengeance, too. For the play to successfully continue over a long(er) period of time some sort of understanding is needed. Both guys simply need to know what to expect. The 'anything goes' attitude, now prevalent among the one time NSA hookups won't work here unless a degree of sexual role compatibility is reached.

    Yup. This thing among the men IS quite a bit more complicated...icon_biggrin.gif


    SC
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    Nov 19, 2015 6:00 AM GMT
    I mean I feel if your going to be in a relationship it needs to be with someone who is compatible with you. Like for example what I would look for sexually in a boyfriend would be someone who likes to top 95-100% of the time. For me I can barely even get turned on at the thought of topping so it would be ideal for me to find someone the opposite of me. I mean if you lean more towards being vers then it would be wise to find someone that is also more vers and doesn't care which position he takes.
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    Nov 19, 2015 2:38 PM GMT
    The difference is that women don't have cocks that need to be erect in order for penetration to happen. In the gay world, if you're a self-proclaimed "top," you had better be able to get and maintain an erection when it's time to satisfy your "bottom" partner. Otherwise, you'll have a very, very dissatisfied bottom. The bottom line here is that disclosure and transparency are important. Whether you're a "top," "vers," or "bottom," you cannot mislead your potential sex partner, or there's going to be a heavy price to pay for that.
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    Nov 19, 2015 3:13 PM GMT
    Sex is one of the most misunderstood human interactions. Be safe and have fun.
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    Nov 19, 2015 3:44 PM GMT
    theantijock%20engage%20stalker%20reducti

    dustin_K_tx saidGood to know that you're cool with taking a 11 inch thick pole a couple times a month.
    Personally, I would never and sadly the only guy that ever wanted me to bottom was about that big.
    You would also be disappointed to find out there are guy that can't get hard if they have to top, just can't. And some guys just want to cuddle; God will punish them if they do anything more.
    I feel sexual compatibility is very important in any relationship, if it weren't you'd be in one now--am I right? I've based my 16 year relationship on it.


    You mean like how some guys can't get hard if they think about fucking a sibling, or can't get hard if thinking about someone fucking a child? Or can't get hard for cunt because God might punish them?

    Does "can't" presume that you ought to be able to do these things? That there's something wrong with you if you can't?

    I believe the more accurate word is simply "don't", not "can't", particularly when you add God to the mix. Some guys don't get hard were a sibling involved, some don't get hard were children involved, some don't get hard when ass is involved. Not everyone gets off on incest, not everyone is a pedophile, not everyone eats pussy, not everyone is into ass. Just because ass doesn't get someone hard doesn't mean he's missing some ability he ought to have.

    So it ought to be an objective doesn't, not a judgmental can't.

    Just because ass turns you on doesn't mean you have to be an ass about who doesn't get hard for ass. Thank you.
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    Nov 19, 2015 3:55 PM GMT
    badbug said
    ... I do tend to dominate my relationships, so maybe that's just my experience...
    and how did that work for you? otherwise got you here and now.
    sad
    -if you on grinder for gods sake tell him what you want.
    -if your in a relationship, you two care for each other. Sex is about 1/3 of it.
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    Nov 19, 2015 10:45 PM GMT
    badbug said Ahh yes, well thank you for your insightful reply st.undercoverman. If only we could all be blessed with such a fine tuned moral compass as yours....

    I have found, the most manipulative people often see themselves as straight forward and honest, they're often the most destructive types because they geniunely believe the lies they tell you aswell as themselves.

    I was a far more manipulative person before i realised i was manipulative at all. How can you control something you aren't aware of?


    ...


    There was nothing in your post that indicated you had any intention of changing other than maybe having to step up your game because you "fear [manipulation is] going to be harder than [you] realize with men. icon_twisted.gif"

    In a few years when you're looking for a quality guy to settle down with you, you'll be posting bemoaning how difficult it is to find a gay guy who isn't jaded and relationship/commitment shy. It's an all too familiar whine vintage here on RJ.

    Just remember all the manipulation you did in the past and how you had a hand in creating the world in which you find yourself.

    I'm not against whoring around; just be sure your sex partners know it's just a NSA hook up and that you haven't manipulated them just to get in their pants.

    As far as fine tuning your moral compass just do unto others as you would have done unto you. You've heard that somewhere before, I'm sure.
  • badbug

    Posts: 800

    Nov 20, 2015 2:46 AM GMT

    Lots of interesting info and some preachy bullshit, thanks guys. icon_smile.gif


    @silver,

    yeah the history of homosexuality and its social and political implications throughout that history is certainly some interesting stuff to play around with.... Someone like the Emperor Elagabalus, is fascinating partly for those reasons.


    @pellaz

    "and how did that work for you? otherwise got you here and now.
    sad"


    I am not sure what your implying. That i am sad? Or that the fact that i am here is sad?

    I think this says more about you and your feelings about a person's life's worth, whether they are single versus being in a relationship.

    Would i be happier in a relationship? Of course....for about a week. Then i would be in the same emotional state that i am in now......varied, like virtually every other human being on earth.


    @undercoverbrother

    Can't really disagree too much on the face of it, with anything you said, but find myself wanting to. : )


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 20, 2015 3:16 AM GMT
    badbug said
    ...

    I do though, find it kind of interesting on how this might work on a long term basis. Like are a lot of guys really that picky in long term relationships about what they will and will not do? And what they want from a sexual encounter? Obviously it's a mix, but i am wondering from all of you who have more experience, what have you found that mix to be?

    Is my future boyfriend, going to be fine with mostly hand jobs and blow jobs and maybe anal only a couple times a week? I mean i guess i am looking for a bottom, but he's got to want to top atleast a couple times a month....i mean come on, we're gay aren't we??(that's a joke)

    I guess i just sort of thought, whatever guy i end up with is going to be happy enough with what i give him.....how rare is that guy?


    Anyways, please share your experiences or how your current relationship works.....



    My partner and I aren't picky about what we will and will not do to please the other. We are quite open with each other. We are both vers - one is vers/btm and the other vers/top so we are a pretty good match and haven't had many issues when it comes to the bedroom scene.
  • ardeerd

    Posts: 35

    Nov 20, 2015 3:34 AM GMT
    jimib saidSex is one of the most misunderstood human interactions. Be safe and have fun.


    This.

    If you want to bottom occasionally, bottom occasionally. Just be honest and safe.
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    Nov 20, 2015 3:58 AM GMT
    DOMINUS saidThe difference is that women don't have cocks that need to be erect in order for penetration to happen. In the gay world, if you're a self-proclaimed "top," you had better be able to get and maintain an erection when it's time to satisfy your "bottom" partner. Otherwise, you'll have a very, very dissatisfied bottom. The bottom line here is that disclosure and transparency are important. Whether you're a "top," "vers," or "bottom," you cannot mislead your potential sex partner, or there's going to be a heavy price to pay for that.


    "The difference is that women don't have cocks"

    I'll tell ya ..... I have two lesbian tenants that would make you wonder. Grrrrrrr
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    Nov 20, 2015 4:38 AM GMT
    We are swimming in a sea of bottoms so I doubt you will have any problem finding one. However, many gay men equate bottoming with being a woman which means they relate it to being feminine (which is not necessarily true.)

    If I had to guess at percentages, this is what they would look like:

    95% of all gay men are true bottoms (regardless of what they claim.)
    60% of all gay men who claim to be tops are actually bottoms.
    75% of all gay men who claim to be versatile are in reality bottoms.
    100% of all gay men who claim to be bottoms are indeed bottoms.

    So you see you will have no problem finding a bottom. Finding someone who is truly versatile might be a bit harder though.
  • Sunny_x9

    Posts: 95

    Nov 20, 2015 7:54 AM GMT
    hey ,
    I have not read your complete story"
    but for a part of it - its pretty different in some Asian countries
    about the terms " Top : " Bottom :

    Top - dominant partner who wants Bottoms to give BJ's
    and Bottom's get laid and give their back

    Bottom - (mostly opposite) submissive partner who wants Tops"
    to bang their backs and make Bottom's to give BJ's for them

    Versatile - guys who does both he can suck or/and he likes to get sucked
    he bangs or/and likes to get banged

    and ....
    Slut - who likes and go to many guys
    :-)
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    Nov 20, 2015 6:33 PM GMT
    Radd saidWe are swimming in a sea of bottoms so I doubt you will have any problem finding one. However, many gay men equate bottoming with being a woman which means they relate it to being feminine (which is not necessarily true.)

    If I had to guess at percentages, this is what they would look like:

    95% of all gay men are true bottoms (regardless of what they claim.)
    60% of all gay men who claim to be tops are actually bottoms.
    75% of all gay men who claim to be versatile are in reality bottoms.
    100% of all gay men who claim to be bottoms are indeed bottoms.

    So you see you will have no problem finding a bottom. Finding someone who is truly versatile might be a bit harder though.


    I think people tend to forget its much easier to bottom than to top. I'm a verse bottom myself. I rarely top and can live without it honestly. However I have noticed that I have to be really turned on by a dude to top him and if he turns me off, foul smells, coming off desperate for the dick, wrong body type, I will go flaccid very quickly. I don't think there are more bottoms than tops. It could easily be that you can lower your standards for a top but not for a top. I prefer hairy guys but will let a smooth guy fuck me. However I am not as turned on by smooth guys so I rarely feel the desire to top them. Could be the tops you claim are bottoms simply don't want to top you because you don't turn them on enough.
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    Nov 20, 2015 10:23 PM GMT
    What I've noticed is that tops generally don't like their bottoms to be bigger or taller than them (there are exceptions) and vice versa. I think it still goes back to the man/woman role in sex where the man (penis) must be more bigger/taller than the woman (vagina/hole). Yeah not everyone thinks this way, but it's still somewhat engraved into people's minds.

  • Nov 22, 2015 4:21 AM GMT
    We are what we are, for some maybe psychological others physiological and others both. I'm bottom vers, it just depends on the chemistry that I have with the person, I've never topped and bottomed only twice, so that is not super important to me, for me sex is emotional and a nurturing experience. Personally, I feel satisfied with just kissing cuddling and maybe a bit more than that, but the 'penetrative intercourse part' is not really necessary. I;m sure there are odd balls like me out there icon_cool.gif
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    Jun 05, 2016 10:06 PM GMT
    badbug said
    @dustin
    I like your pic, you got sort of a bad ass Josh Brolin in No Country for Old Men vibe going.
    The god cuddle people, i just couldn't interact with anyone like that anymore. I might be limiting myself to atheists and agnostics as far as long term partners go.


    There is so much love to give through touch modalities of healing.
    In a long term relationship, the two people are wise to touch for affirmation, healing, affection, support more than for the importance of orgasms.
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    Jun 06, 2016 12:18 PM GMT
    StephenOABC said
    There is so much love to give through touch modalities of healing.
    In a long term relationship, the two people are wise to touch for affirmation, healing, affection, support more than for the importance of orgasms.


    I wish my partner would understand this...