Should I bother contacting a guy who hasn't contacted me after Our first date?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 19, 2015 8:35 AM GMT
    I'm starting to feel like I'm becoming slightly wiser, or maybe just more aware as I approach 30. I know the question sounds trivial and childish, but I really start to ask myself these questions.

    After being on hundreds of first dates this year where guys didn't always make the first contact again, I'm going to start playing a little game. The game is going to be, I will not contact a guy again after a date unless they contact me first.

    I'm not saying everyone should play this game, or that I'll do it with everybody, but I'm starting to pick up on things more and more. And my thing is, if a guy can't be bothered to ask how I'm doing, or ask about meeting again at the end of the date, and just basically being a nonchalant, indifferent fuck...why the FUCK should I keep putting myself out asking about them?

    And really, I'm becoming bothered less and less by that. I'm tired of running behind people who seem interested 1 day, only for them to start playing games the next. I know it seems cold and heartless, but it seems like with new relationships, if the other party isn't putting in the effort...then chances are they just aren't invested.

    And I hate the fact that I live in a legalized marijuana state. All these guys are potheads and have absolutely nothing intellectual to bring to the table. The level of effort put into relationships out here seem to be bare-fucking minimum. Literally. Pun intended.
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    Nov 19, 2015 9:31 AM GMT
    MuchMoreThanAWhore saidI know it seems cold and heartless, but it seems like with new relationships, if the other party isn't putting in the effort...then chances are they just aren't invested.


    Bingo.

    If they are right for you, they won't care about coming across as too keen. They won't play games. They won't leave you guessing.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 874

    Nov 19, 2015 11:49 AM GMT
    Playing games usually achieves very little.

    Having a good plan tends to be more productive.

    Only you can decide who is worth your time and trouble. Why bother to call (or even expect the guy to call you) if you really have no interest in seeing him again? So, you gave it a try. It did not work, and you went your separate ways. Case closed. Neeext!

    If you happen to be interested in a dude, and see some potential, do grab the initiative. A txt or even a short call will show that you are both interested in seeing the dude again, and that you have guts to show your interest, and could not care less if the dude is going to respond or not. I am not talking about growing clingy, obsessive and all over the dude. But a short message to a dude who you are interested in is OK.

    Now, no one is saying that he may or may not be willing to reciprocate for any number of good or bad reason. You did your bit. You left no stone (that you thought was worth your time and energy) unturned, and if no reply came, you moved on...

    It helps to remember that there is plenty of fish in the sea. And whereas, so many of us would like to believe in our own exceptionalism, the truth is relatively very few people really are exceptional in a way that may matter to you or me personally. Thus, getting a reply or not really matters very little...

    SC

  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Nov 19, 2015 5:08 PM GMT
    Good advice RR^^. I would add that your statement, OP, "And I hate the fact that I live in a legalized marijuana state. All these guys are potheads and have absolutely nothing intellectual to bring to the table" is wrong. I know many high achieving, kind, interesting guys who smoke dope. It is the guys you're seeing, not the pot. If you're having such a hard time finding good guys, I suggest a better strategy than simply acting just like them might be to revise how you go about finding guys for dates. Clearly you're surrounding yourself with shallow, rude people. Just look at the guys here. 90% are pretty nice guys longing for (or having) love. But it's the other 10% who are stereotypes of the the worst image of what a gay male should be.

    Addendum: Why are you so afraid to show yourself in your profile? You don't even say what state you live in. I assume you're closeted. Maybe that fear is why you're not attracting quality guys.... Come on, guy. You're 30 years old. Stop hiding.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 20, 2015 8:24 AM GMT
    Wait a minute, bitch. I'm not 30 years old yet lol. I just turned 28 a couple months ago lol.

    But re-reading my post, I knew I'd get some flack for mentioning pot smokers lol. I'm not saying pot guys aren't smart, successful, etc. But I've been around enough to know that versus a non smoking pot guy, pot guys tend to be flat and linear on dates. They either just want sex because they're always high, or they fall asleep.

    I get that I can open up and not be "just like them", but they need to show me. This guy in particular, we know each other thru a friend, but we hadn't seen each other in a couple years. I approached him. There's my effort. I also texted him a couple times when he didn't respond before our first date. So this isn't really a new thing. And Everytime, it'll turn out they're hitting up other guys and sleeping around. That's why I'm cutting chances. No more chances for guys anymore.

    If I had the number to every gay guy in town, and forwarded them who I'm about to meet with, I bet there would be 6 guys saying that person hit them up for sex the night before/after our date,

    I'm just tired of always being the person trying to make stuff work with some of these guys. I know when a guy is into me. They'll be blowing my phone up the second I walk out the door. Of course, I'm perfectly understanding of taking time to assess the situation and miss the person. So, I'll wait this one out....while I'm doing my own thing.
  • badbug

    Posts: 800

    Nov 20, 2015 12:13 PM GMT

    Great advice from SilverRRcloud


    I feel ya cuz.


    It's not a bad idea to set your filter settings a little higher.


    As a former pot guy, growing up in a pot guy culture with many pot guy and gal friends, i can tell you virtually all of us quit because it made us lazy and boring to be around. Maybe it's too much good BC Bud....quick short story, my main dealer was actually Snoop Dogg's dealer when he was in town for concerts. He'd hang with Snoop backstage and at after partys....the best part was he was a super white nerdy looking guy, small fucking world eh?

    I shit you not, this is the best part of the story, he had a t-shirt made of him and snoop and he'd wear it. Like those kind couples get with both their faces on the front, like how fucking funny is that? Snoop or his managers eventually made him take down all the pics on his facebook page.




    Yeah sure some people are full of energy and vibrant smoking pot. Some drunks are really cool too.....but i have found a huge portion of people smoking into their mid 20s and beyond, are addicted and would like to stop but can't.



    But yeah, if what you are doing isn't working try something else.



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 20, 2015 1:47 PM GMT
    "Hundreds of first dates this year"--that's monstrously impressive! Great way to meet new people. You don't always have to be the one to make first contact, but you should never reject the possibility that some guys simply do not feel comfortable initiating, even if they really, really want to.
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    Nov 20, 2015 4:04 PM GMT
    MuchMoreThanAWhore saidI'm starting to feel like I'm becoming slightly wiser, or maybe just more aware as I approach 30. I know the question sounds trivial and childish, but I really start to ask myself these questions.

    After being on hundreds of first dates this year where guys didn't always make the first contact again, I'm going to start playing a little game. The game is going to be, I will not contact a guy again after a date unless they contact me first.

    I'm not saying everyone should play this game, or that I'll do it with everybody, but I'm starting to pick up on things more and more. And my thing is, if a guy can't be bothered to ask how I'm doing, or ask about meeting again at the end of the date, and just basically being a nonchalant, indifferent fuck...why the FUCK should I keep putting myself out asking about them?

    And really, I'm becoming bothered less and less by that. I'm tired of running behind people who seem interested 1 day, only for them to start playing games the next. I know it seems cold and heartless, but it seems like with new relationships, if the other party isn't putting in the effort...then chances are they just aren't invested.

    And I hate the fact that I live in a legalized marijuana state. All these guys are potheads and have absolutely nothing intellectual to bring to the table. The level of effort put into relationships out here seem to be bare-fucking minimum. Literally. Pun intended.


    It's a top/ bottom thing. Bottoms tend to copy their mother's behavior patterns which are pretty passive and coquettish. Never expect them to make the first move about anything. They are waiting for you to lead on every point of the relationship including pursuing them after a first date. There is not much rationality in that kind of behavior so don't let it frustrate you.
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    Nov 20, 2015 5:12 PM GMT
    Alpha13 said
    MuchMoreThanAWhore saidI'm starting to feel like I'm becoming slightly wiser, or maybe just more aware as I approach 30. I know the question sounds trivial and childish, but I really start to ask myself these questions.

    After being on hundreds of first dates this year where guys didn't always make the first contact again, I'm going to start playing a little game. The game is going to be, I will not contact a guy again after a date unless they contact me first.

    I'm not saying everyone should play this game, or that I'll do it with everybody, but I'm starting to pick up on things more and more. And my thing is, if a guy can't be bothered to ask how I'm doing, or ask about meeting again at the end of the date, and just basically being a nonchalant, indifferent fuck...why the FUCK should I keep putting myself out asking about them?

    And really, I'm becoming bothered less and less by that. I'm tired of running behind people who seem interested 1 day, only for them to start playing games the next. I know it seems cold and heartless, but it seems like with new relationships, if the other party isn't putting in the effort...then chances are they just aren't invested.

    And I hate the fact that I live in a legalized marijuana state. All these guys are potheads and have absolutely nothing intellectual to bring to the table. The level of effort put into relationships out here seem to be bare-fucking minimum. Literally. Pun intended.


    It's a top/ bottom thing. Bottoms tend to copy their mother's behavior patterns which are pretty passive and coquettish. Never expect them to make the first move about anything. They are waiting for you to lead on every point of the relationship including pursuing them after a first date. There is not much rationality in that kind of behavior so don't let it frustrate you.


    Not true but funny
  • FRE0

    Posts: 4865

    Nov 21, 2015 12:11 AM GMT
    The op wrote, "After being on hundreds of first dates this year where guys didn't always make the first contact again, I'm going to start playing a little game. The game is going to be, I will not contact a guy again after a date unless they contact me first."

    Hundreds of first dates in one year? Really? Your life must be a blur. How many of them can you even remember? And where did you find all of them?
  • spirou

    Posts: 38

    Nov 21, 2015 12:26 AM GMT
    feel weird .

    i tend to know by the end of the meeting ( date ) if you'r going to see each other or not after the first one

    i would mention it to the other if i want another date or not before the 1 first one is over .

    the waiting game to see if call or not is not for me .
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 21, 2015 1:54 AM GMT
    DOMINUS said"Hundreds of first dates this year"--that's monstrously impressive!


    Really? I think you and I are opposite on this. This was a huge red flag for me.

    Perhaps "hundreds" means "dozens" because the internet. But if it's really "hundreds," I'm going to say to the OP, maybe it's you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 21, 2015 2:20 AM GMT
    Every time I say that prostitutes are fucked up emotionally, certain guys here jump on me like I don't know what I'm talking about (yes, usually the prostitutes.) Let me produce Exhibit A.....the OP. Thread after thread he's whining about how no one wants to be around him and simultaneously bragging about how much he charges an hour for his ummmm....."services." He claims in one thread that other blacks don't like him and then in another thread that whites don't like him either and refuse to invite him to parties. All of his threads are about failed social interactions and fucked up relationships that never last more than 48 hours. Now he's berating guys for playing games and his solution is to....yup.....play games. He hides his face and yet he's a prostitute. If you're selling your ass on the street to anyone with the cash, why the need for such discretion? If anyone disagrees with him he threatens to "reach through the phone" and kill them and actually seems to believe this is physically possible.

    I have a sneaking suspicion the problem is the OP. icon_confused.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 21, 2015 4:43 AM GMT
    How I feel when I read a post by the OP:

  • whytehot

    Posts: 1167

    Nov 21, 2015 7:20 AM GMT
    MrFuscle said
    Alpha13 said
    MuchMoreThanAWhore saidI'm starting to feel like I'm becoming slightly wiser, or maybe just more aware as I approach 30. I know the question sounds trivial and childish, but I really start to ask myself these questions.

    After being on hundreds of first dates this year where guys didn't always make the first contact again, I'm going to start playing a little game. The game is going to be, I will not contact a guy again after a date unless they contact me first.

    I'm not saying everyone should play this game, or that I'll do it with everybody, but I'm starting to pick up on things more and more. And my thing is, if a guy can't be bothered to ask how I'm doing, or ask about meeting again at the end of the date, and just basically being a nonchalant, indifferent fuck...why the FUCK should I keep putting myself out asking about them?

    And really, I'm becoming bothered less and less by that. I'm tired of running behind people who seem interested 1 day, only for them to start playing games the next. I know it seems cold and heartless, but it seems like with new relationships, if the other party isn't putting in the effort...then chances are they just aren't invested.

    And I hate the fact that I live in a legalized marijuana state. All these guys are potheads and have absolutely nothing intellectual to bring to the table. The level of effort put into relationships out here seem to be bare-fucking minimum. Literally. Pun intended.


    It's a top/ bottom thing. Bottoms tend to copy their mother's behavior patterns which are pretty passive and coquettish. Never expect them to make the first move about anything. They are waiting for you to lead on every point of the relationship including pursuing them after a first date. There is not much rationality in that kind of behavior so don't let it frustrate you.


    Not true but funny


    From experience I've actually found that to be true. At first I didn't think they're interested, took a bit more initiative than I thought was reasonable, and usually it turned out they were waiting the whole time. One ex was quite explicit, ie: "I'm waiting for you to say I love you first" lol
  • Nhlakz

    Posts: 149

    Nov 21, 2015 10:49 AM GMT
    To the OP it would b better to show ur face and see what u look like...myb the guys u go after r not into u "physically"..it sound dumb but it happens..and u ddnt unswer y ur profile doesnt state were u from and etc.
  • mcbrion

    Posts: 305

    Nov 23, 2015 6:29 PM GMT
    Wellllllll….I'm not in agreeance with all of this, except that mature guys definitely don't play games.

    However, I put an ad out to meet a guy, but then realized that the impending death of my lifelong dearest friend, my cousin (a woman), has made it harder for me to enjoy the company of others.
    SO, what I've done is explain to others that this is what's happening and why I couldn't meet them right away. I had to go to Hawaii to see her in case this is the last time I see her alive.

    My point is: if you don't know a guy, you have NO idea what's going on in his life unless you've asked. Maybe he knows his company is about to lay off 3,000 people and he might be one of them. Maybe he has a health issue he's worried about. Maybe a sick relative (like me).
    I've had several guys ask if I lost interest, and I explained to them that my cousin is my soul mate, that we grew up together and have been each other's best friend (and I mean BEST - ahead of ANYone else) for 64 years, and so, while it's a tough time for me, I'm not avoiding them. (If I'm not interested I simply say, "I appreciate your interest, but I'm going to have to decline our meeting.") And that's all I say. You don't owe anyone a reason you don't want to see them again. You only need to be respectful.
    So, if you're meeting guys and they're all gaga over you on Monday, but by the weekend, they've changed, or seem distant, ASK QUESTIONS. But only if you think the guy is mature. Not always easy to tell, but sincerity - highly undervalued in today's society - is a good sign that a guy can be trusted to do what he says - or else explain - WITHOUT YOU ASKING - why he didn't call/write/broke the date, or whatever. If you have to ask, he's not mature. Not set in stone, but pretty well-proven. Someone who wants your attention isn't going to risk losing it over circumstances beyond his control. He's just going to tell you what came up, because he wants to continue seeing you.
    I did note the original poster is 30. I have observed that different things are valued in each successive generation, and pardon the observation, but, as my former boss, the VP of Public Relations for the City of San Francisco once relayed to me, an associate called the generation born after 1985, the "point and click" generation. Meaning, instant gratification is more common among a generation that grew up getting instant responses by clicking on a page. People are a bit more work than just clicking. So maybe the guys are expecting instantly great sex, or instantly great chemistry, but they are oblivious to the fact that you're kind, caring, not sarcastic (a defense mechanism, to be blunt), attentive, funny. Well, that wouldn't be someone I'd spend much time with, but I know: different strokes for different folks.

    I find far less game playing in guys around my age (64) because we see the end of the road is closer to us than the beginning of life, and we're not interested in foolish pursuits that leave us alone and empty. We want connection, affection. Well, let me amend that: some of us are emotional adults at this age: many men (and women) are still children, emotionally speaking, at 60, even 70.


    My aunt died at 77 and I remember looking at her (I loved her, but she treated my cousin, my best friend, Mona, abominably when Mona was growing up) and thinking to myself as she lay dying, "this woman has never made a true friend in her life." I loved her, but I could see how anyone not family would NOT love her. Angry, sarcastic, biting and worst of all - unloving (in a healthy way).

    Enough about that, but being older is not the same as being a mature adult. As the saying goes, "growing OLDER is inevitable: growing UP is optional."

    Moral of story: Pay attention to what they do, and how they treat you. And make sure you are someone who wants to be treated well. Retreating into the "I won't call you unless you call me" is going to turn you hard, bitter and cold. Not a recipe for finding a loving person and a loving relationship.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 23, 2015 7:55 PM GMT
    In my 3 relationships I knew after the first date. I waited the 'mandatory' 2 day waiting period, so as not to look too eager, for the next date to call.

    N looking for one these days though. FwB or FBs re fine.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 27, 2015 7:11 AM GMT
    Wait... Is this about romance or retail sales?

    On the other hand, is there any difference? icon_confused.gif

    Sales: always follow up with an affirmating message/offer. Once. (you don't want them to chuck you in to the spam/block file). If no response, add them to the quarterly or annual contact list.

    Romance: same as the above, but only if you're hot for them.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 27, 2015 11:36 AM GMT
    MuchMoreThanAWhore saidI'm starting to feel like I'm becoming slightly wiser, or maybe just more aware as I approach 30. I know the question sounds trivial and childish, but I really start to ask myself these questions.

    After being on hundreds of first dates this year where guys didn't always make the first contact again, I'm going to start playing a little game. The game is going to be, I will not contact a guy again after a date unless they contact me first.

    I'm not saying everyone should play this game, or that I'll do it with everybody, but I'm starting to pick up on things more and more. And my thing is, if a guy can't be bothered to ask how I'm doing, or ask about meeting again at the end of the date, and just basically being a nonchalant, indifferent fuck...why the FUCK should I keep putting myself out asking about them?

    And really, I'm becoming bothered less and less by that. I'm tired of running behind people who seem interested 1 day, only for them to start playing games the next. I know it seems cold and heartless, but it seems like with new relationships, if the other party isn't putting in the effort...then chances are they just aren't invested.

    And I hate the fact that I live in a legalized marijuana state. All these guys are potheads and have absolutely nothing intellectual to bring to the table. The level of effort put into relationships out here seem to be bare-fucking minimum. Literally. Pun intended.


    how long have you been in dating games?

    'hot and cold' happens all the time. from 14 men I dated, 3 of them played hot and cold on me (1st one almost broke my heart, 2nd one upseted me, 3rd one I have seen it coming). these experience were enough to crush my hope to have a relationship.

    I am no longer attracted to a gay man other than sexual experiment (I am biromantic bisexual... I think)

    but really, you should date a lot of guys if you want to find a relationship. these days, people use hookup apps to meet and fuck, and it as easy as buying cokes in supermarket.

    don't focus on one guy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 10, 2015 3:20 AM GMT
    Hello everyone, thanks for the replies. I can't quote everyone because I'm on the iPad. But I took all but the overly redundant, trite, and ignant Floosie comments seriously. I mean really, do some gay men truly think that every gay man gives a fuck whether someone is into sexwork? Especially when 90% of guys on these dating apps are living an open relationship and double life? And...How many of you talking that shit don't watch gay porn? Ok, and what is gay porn? Sex for money. now stop with bullcrap already. Stop trying to use your views as a consensus as to what other people think of me. FYI, the person I referred to who I last went on a date with was a go go dancer

    Let me clear up a few things: no. It hasn't been hundreds of first dates. I'd probably say a dozen. Most weren't even real dates. You know potheads are too lazy to go on a real date. And truth be told, most of my first dates usually lead up to another meeting. Has anyone taken a personality test before? I took one yesterday and I was rated as a CONSUL type personality. It seems like long term relationships are part of my thing. And I'm realizing if other people aren't that type, then maybe they are a type that likes flings and playing with people's feelings. Seems that's how most personalities of some guys are.

    By the way, i broke and made contact with a couple guys...and as expected, they started playing games and acting distant and unavailable. I just don't have time for all that. That's why I'm considering moving to a city more diverse because some of these white wash cities are just a bunch of experimental types just out to try something new. I been in Orlando for a couple weeks, and i always find a boyfriend whenever i come here. I just don't care to live in a year round summer city anymore.