If you like a guy, do you REALLY have to hide how much you're into them in order to reel them in? Or is this just feminine wisdom?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 22, 2015 6:14 PM GMT
    Have come across this advice in several places but to me it feels like it's more of a hetero thing where the macho guy chases the girly girl and the girl plays coy so that he won't think she's easy.

    I keep hearing gay dudes confess to hiding how they feel and delaying communication to keep guys guessing and on the hunt. But given how many gays complain about frustrated they are with how guys leave them hanging, not knowing if they are "into them" or not, I wonder whether being upfront is the better way to go. It's definitely easier.
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    Nov 22, 2015 6:39 PM GMT
    Are you having problems of your own or are you critiquing the dating lives of others in a a broad generalized way.

    Oddly enough I have a friend who gets turned off if a guy is too into him. He actually decided not to have sex with a guy because his lips quivered when his dick got close to his face and it turned him off. He also has a really good looking friend who is into him. He recently told me he doesn't treat the guy well, for good reasons. He thinks because he is one of the few guys who isn't trying get with him it makes the guy want him even more. Its funny because my friend is really not attracted to the guy. I've told him both he and his friend want what they can't have. Which oddly cemented his place in the friend zone for me.

    I'm feminine and I've never told anyone to play hard to get. I know this is real jock and every ill must be blamed on femininity instead of simply being called bad advice or bad behavior. If anything I've been told I'm too upfront about what I want for guys in my area. No need to waste anyone's time is my motto.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 22, 2015 6:45 PM GMT
    I think attraction and love is a game
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 22, 2015 6:52 PM GMT
    It's a human thing. No one values that which is easily obtained.

    It's a delicate balance between when to let your feelings be known and when to hold back. It depends on the other guy. It's different for every relationship.
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    Nov 22, 2015 6:54 PM GMT
    UndercoverMan saidIt's a human thing. No one values that which is easily obtained.


    Relationships are hard work. A good relationship is never easily attained.
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    Nov 22, 2015 7:00 PM GMT
    MrFuscle said
    UndercoverMan saidIt's a human thing. No one values that which is easily obtained.


    Relationships are hard work. A good relationship is never easily attained.


    Then I'm frightened because the relationship my husband and I have came so effortlessly. We haven't had to work at it. Not yet anyway. Honeymoon phase.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 875

    Nov 22, 2015 7:07 PM GMT
    UndercoverMan saidIt's a human thing. No one values that which is easily obtained.


    Very true.

    Yet, quite a few dudes out there are are happy to play. Few are really good at it, and many end up being losers.

    The chances are that few, very few dudes like being played with. If they sense that you are playing hard to get, etc., they'll drop you and run over to the next available guyicon_razz.gif. You will end up with your regrets, though. icon_redface.gif

    No one expects you to spill ALL your beans at once, at the early stages of dating. A smart dude will actually verbalize very little. His actions will speak much louder than his words.

    Show some initiative. A short weekend together to start with? Followed by a bit of longer weekend, say, few nice dinners, home-cooked meals, concerts, movies or whatever shared contents you guys happen to be into.

    Offer something once. Offer one more time, and you'll see what the reaction is... Again, the actions ALWAYS speak louder than words.

    Never allow the haste to ruin the good thing. Stop short of programming every waking hour, and every weekend, etc.. Show reasonable initiative and clear interest. But stop short of showing any sign of developing obsessive hots for a dude out there. The chances are that that he won't like them. And the chances are that you'll look stupid...

    SC

  • bro4bro

    Posts: 1035

    Nov 22, 2015 7:08 PM GMT
    If you really like me, you better let me know.

    I don't play games and I get bored very quickly with people who do.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 22, 2015 7:17 PM GMT
    UndercoverMan said
    MrFuscle said
    UndercoverMan saidIt's a human thing. No one values that which is easily obtained.


    Relationships are hard work. A good relationship is never easily attained.


    Then I'm frightened because the relationship my husband and I have came so effortlessly. We haven't had to work at it. Not yet anyway. Honeymoon phase.


    Well I am very happy for you. I could try to psychoanalyze why you and your guy have such an easy relationship but there is no real benefit to that other than stroking my own ego. I wish you many years of effortless bliss. You've earned it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 22, 2015 8:08 PM GMT
    The people worth pursuing will know how to maintain proper boundaries without playing coy, hard-to-get, or out of reach.

    http://markmanson.net/fuck-yes

    I don't give time to people who aren't as equally enthusiastic about spending it with me, and aren't afraid to show it.
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    Nov 22, 2015 9:26 PM GMT
    woodfordr said
    I keep hearing gay dudes confess to hiding how they feel and delaying communication to keep guys guessing and on the hunt. But given how many gays complain about frustrated they are with how guys leave them hanging, not knowing if they are "into them" or not, I wonder whether being upfront is the better way to go. It's definitely easier.

    When I was single, and liked a guy, I would just "glow". I don't know how else to describe it. I said nothing to him. If he didn't pick up on it, well, maybe he wasn't receptive.

    And when the end of the night came, when the bar was closing, if that's where we were, I simply said: "Would you like to go home?" And yah know, about 90% of the time he would say "Yes". Then we just decided his place or mine.

    Usually it was my place, which was already all set out for him. I swear, I had this down to a science. icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 22, 2015 9:36 PM GMT
    Well first off, females have to be selective about who they have sex with because they have limited eggs, where men have infinite sperm, which is why men chase more than women do. These "men" you speak of who worry about guys leaving them hanging can be explained in several way: the left hanging men like being chased, when in reality maybe the other guy likes being chased too, some men don't have confidence so they bitch and complain when rejected/ignored instead of finding someone else or just moving on, some guys seem needy and they just put off men who just want to have pressure-less fun/experiences, especially post first encounter which reveals a lot (anecdote below).

    Sorry, but this whole "game" of pretending you're not into them is bullshit and not what you're actually doing. If you like someone and they make you happy, and you have no evidence of you making them as happy as they're making you, then you demanding their presence and attention is selfish and annoying, this is why you should act more coy to elongate the process of collecting more data about your potential mate's feelings for you to ensure romantic reciprocity within the relationship. The complexity of courting needs to be examined as we age so that we avoid these high school bullshit scenarios where grown men complain like 12 yr old pussies when a boy doesn't call them back.

    I had one guy I was trying to be friends with and dare I say casually dated, act like a psychopath because I could tell he was obsessed with me and I just wanted a pressure-less experience with no tunnel vision craziness of wanting a relationship or expected sex, and when I didn't want to have sex with him after him awkwardly sitting close to me over and over with no reciprocation for hours at my apt, him ignoring my cues of saying I had to work the next morning so he had to leave soon, he then flipped out on me when I said I didn't want to have sex and blamed me as if I was leading him on, when realistically he built of a delusional story of expectation in his brain that I never once agreed to. Half of the time these "coy" guys who "pretend not to be into you" have to do so because they're fixated on getting power from being in a partnership rather than using a relationship to maintain a loving connection. These types are simply more covert succubus' with dicks who are smart enough to reel you in fraudulently, and then suck the life out of you once you're already waist deep, and it's pretty embarrassing/disgusting.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 22, 2015 10:55 PM GMT
    Just be honest; have integrity. The rest will follow. You're over thinking this.
  • 24hourguy

    Posts: 364

    Nov 23, 2015 12:06 AM GMT
    this topic is the kind of shit that keeps me single.
  • mystery905

    Posts: 745

    Nov 23, 2015 12:08 AM GMT
    I would say you have to at least show some interest. But don't go overboard. See if there is any reciprocation before declaring your undying love!

    Baby steps....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 23, 2015 12:18 AM GMT
    At the opposite end of the spectrum from playing hard to get is coming across as clingy or needy. Start gushing too soon in the relationship and you'll scare most guys off.

    You usually can tell when the time is right to let your feelings be known. Oddly enough my husband and I moved quite fast. I could tell he was in love with me and I knew I was in love with him very soon after we began dating. I could tell he wanted to tell me but wasn't confident so I gently coaxed it out of him and quickly let him know I felt the same.

    My boyfriend before my husband told me he loved me as he was running out the car to go to a rehearsal. When I returned to pick him up I told him that I heard what he said and asked if he wanted to repeat it so I could be sure.
  • Triggerman

    Posts: 528

    Nov 23, 2015 12:29 AM GMT
    First, you have to talk to the person. Love from afar is stalking.

    You say hi, I noticed this or that about you. In 4 seconds you can tell if they are interested or just putting up with you because they are trying to be nice and it is socially awkward.

    Do they immediately look for friends to help them out? Not a match. He is not into you.

    Do they come back with witty reparte? Fun, you have two minutes to sell yourself as the best choice available. If after two minutes he starts looking at friends or the music video, not into you.

    If he comes back with a funny line and you meet that with a better line, 20 minutes.

    If he moves physically closer to you, you hit a home run.
  • Triggerman

    Posts: 528

    Nov 23, 2015 12:46 AM GMT
    Or you can use the Completion Backwards Principle. Find the most awkward person at the bar, wedding, social situation and get them on the dance floor. Overweight, not really comfortable at the event, skinny guy or gal that is dreading being there, find the person that is hiding on the wall. Dance with them. They are almost always great dancers. Dance with them but hey, I love this other song we gotta stay for one more. Dance that second dance. Let them go walk away. One, the crowd loves you. I didn't think Caroline was having fun but I just saw her dancing. Next, everyone wants to be Caroline. Or Herbert.
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1116

    Nov 23, 2015 12:47 AM GMT
    red83 saidThe people worth pursuing will know how to maintain proper boundaries without playing coy, hard-to-get, or out of reach.

    http://markmanson.net/fuck-yes

    I don't give time to people who aren't as equally enthusiastic about spending it with me, and aren't afraid to show it.


    Same here! I am not afraid to show how someone makes me feel! I don't trust people who hide their feelings whatever their reasons.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 23, 2015 12:58 AM GMT
    Triggerman saidOr you can use the Completion Backwards Principle. Find the most awkward person at the bar, wedding, social situation and get them on the dance floor. Overweight, not really comfortable at the event, skinny guy or gal that is dreading being there, find the person that is hiding on the wall. Dance with them. They are almost always great dancers. Dance with them but hey, I love this other song we gotta stay for one more. Dance that second dance. Let them go walk away. One, the crowd loves you. I didn't think Caroline was having fun but I just saw her dancing. Next, everyone wants to be Caroline. Or Herbert.


    That's actually kind of horrible
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 23, 2015 1:05 AM GMT
    It doesn't matter because the guy has to make the first move and talk to me first, if a guy fails to initiate the first move and approach me first then there's no way I would be into him, that is a really huge deal-breaker for me.
  • Nhlakz

    Posts: 149

    Nov 23, 2015 7:53 AM GMT
    [quote][cite]SilverRRCloud said[/cite]
    UndercoverMan saidIt's a human thing. No one values that which is easily obtained.


    Very true.

    Yet, quite a few dudes out there are are happy to play. Few are really good at it, and many end up being losers.

    The chances are that few, very few dudes like being played with. If they sense that you are playing hard to get, etc., they'll drop you and run over to the next available guyicon_razz.gif. You will end up with your regrets, though. icon_redface.gif

    No one expects you to spill ALL your beans at once, at the early stages of dating. A smart dude will actually verbalize very little. His actions will speak much louder than his words.

    Show some initiative. A short weekend together to start with? Followed by a bit of longer weekend, say, few nice dinners, home-cooked meals, concerts, movies or whatever shared contents you guys happen to be into.

    Offer something once. Offer one more time, and you'll see what the reaction is... Again, the actions ALWAYS speak louder than words.

    Never allow the haste to ruin the good thing. Stop short of programming every waking hour, and every weekend, etc.. Show reasonable initiative and clear interest. But stop short of showing any sign of developing obsessive hots for a dude out there. The chances are that that he won't like them. And the chances are that you'll look stupid...

    SC

    relationships between two males r harder than two females or a dude and a female...there is no handbook or guideline to dating within the community and some of us have a tendency of "picking closeted men"(which r difficult to date)...and the out ones have issues..and settling is not an option...
  • mcbrion

    Posts: 305

    Nov 23, 2015 6:08 PM GMT
    The idea that Love is some sort of "battle" and that you must win it is the antithesis of what love is.
    Take a puppy dog: he/she loves you, is always eager to display that. Do people reject the dog because it is too "easy"? No.

    In my experience, having lived in San Francisco for 30 years, there were the guys who were emotionally available and showed they liked you (of course, this was back in the '70s, when guys were more open about their emotions than it seems they are now), or there were the guys who had what I call "the issue": I like you, but I don't want you to like me back, because then I'll have to respond and I don't want you to know this, but I'm very insecure inside, and I think that any guy who likes me must have something wrong with him." Since I understand this thinking because of my work in mental health, I don't stay around to try to break thru someone's defense system (that's all that it is, there's nothing else. People are so afraid of the relationship ending up with them getting rejected, they are focused on that, and not the building of the relationship itself).
    I met quite a few guys, and found that when they were growing up, the family environment was on, shall we say, the "cool side." Meaning, no open affection, or "I love your" from mom - or dad. Mine was the opposite. My father came into the bedroom and hugged and kissed my sisters, and my brother and me every night until I was 15. So, intimacy is not an issue for me (I do have other ch allenges, but not to do with relationships) and when I like a guy, I act like it.
    I feel sorry for the guy who is put off that someone likes him. I can understand the alarm one could feel at a declaration of love on the first date, but other than that, I find the more secure one is inside, the less he plays emotional games (passive/aggressive, or that book where the two women wrote how to "catch" a guy. I've never experienced genuine love as something that requires play-acting. Nor do I believe it exists). Except maybe on Facebook.
    So, given enough time - 3 dates or so - one usually has a feeling if this should continue (and not just because the sex is great, because that's a trap: if sex is great, lets face it, its easy to become hooked if you are a very sexual person and sex is No. 1 on your list (it's No. 4 on mine, after Communication, Affectionateness, Attentiveness). I learned in San Francisco that the guys who put sex in first place usually didn't pay attention to the red flags they should have noticed, such as the guy is only warm before sex, and cold afterwards, or doesn't pay attention to you, or want to know your history: your family, childhood, what you wanted to be when you grew up.
    Arbitrary list? Not really. A person who is interested in you is no different than someone who is a Star Wars fan: what they love, they want to know EVERYTHING about, no matter how small the detail. They LOVE anything to do with Star Wars. I'd say who'd want someone who doesn't pay them that degree of attention, but people who play games have trust issues. And if you cannot trust, You cannot Love. They go together. Some will disagree, but they're quite mistaken. Ask any great philosopher, or read Kahlil Gibran's "The Prophet." He has a beautiful section about love truly meaning LOVE, and it is a giving - not a taking - thing. You give it because you have it to give, he says, and to Love is "sufficient unto itself." Meaning, you get high off the love YOU feel: you don't usually need someone to love you back for you to love them. You just do. So, if you run into these guys, tactfully suggest therapy. You'll be doing them a favor.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 23, 2015 6:27 PM GMT
    Triggerman saidOr you can use the Completion Backwards Principle. Find the most awkward person at the bar, wedding, social situation and get them on the dance floor. Overweight, not really comfortable at the event, skinny guy or gal that is dreading being there, find the person that is hiding on the wall. Dance with them. They are almost always great dancers. Dance with them but hey, I love this other song we gotta stay for one more. Dance that second dance. Let them go walk away. One, the crowd loves you. I didn't think Caroline was having fun but I just saw her dancing. Next, everyone wants to be Caroline. Or Herbert.



    So you're saying to use people as objects to manipulate others into liking you? This is the worst advice ever! Not to mention cruel.
  • EDRock

    Posts: 20

    Nov 23, 2015 7:09 PM GMT
    UndercoverMan saidIt's a human thing. No one values that which is easily obtained.

    It's a delicate balance between when to let your feelings be known and when to hold back. It depends on the other guy. It's different for every relationship.



    sadly, this seems much truer than not. guys, maybe myself included seem to have a gut instinct to recoil if someone is too nice, open early on. Even if the other guy appears to be a "9" or "10" most people will not show too much too soon.

    Mainly just use common sense rules of personal interaction. You can only avail yourself to the other person. We should be honest about our intentions, desire to date, get to know them better, something like that. If they are not able or willing to communicate similarly they are likely not a sincere, love match type.